Chronicles Of Max
by Kinkajouu
Summary: Sequel to 'Confessions'. Six months into Tyson's pregnancy, everything is just getting madder, there's more shocks than an electric chair and pairings galore! Max/Mariam, Tal/Kai, Bry/McFahrt, Spencer/Henry/Emily, Tyson/Miguel, Tyson/Brooklyn.
1. I've Got Chlamydia!

- It's big, it's here, it's called Tyson! No, it's now 6 months into Tyson's pregnancy, and the bladers are still at McFahrt's school. It's the sequel to 'Confessions Of A Blader'!

- WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Attempted sex. But they fail. Miserably.

- Disclaimer: For the last fucking time, I do not own anything. Except Mrs McFahrt.

A/N: I thought you people have waited long enough… XD These updates may be slow, though, because at the time of writing this, I only have 5 chapters planned. And it's taken me ages to work out 6 months into Tyson pregnancy!! Enjoy, and I know you will :P

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**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 1: I've Got Chlamydia!**

Tuesday 25th March 2008

10.00 in the am

It's me again. After Tyson's shock announcement of his, er, pregnancy, I decided that it was too much effort to try and keep a diary. But, it's now 6 months into Tyson's pregnancy, and I thought to myself, "who wouldn't want to read a hilarious diary that belongs to Max Tate, and which tells you all the details of what's going on with Tyson and his bump?"

So then I answered myself. "Everyone wants to read a hilarious diary by Max Tate which gives all the grizzly details about Tyson's pregnancy".

The bumpy one and I are currently in English. Tyson's bump is so big, that he has to have his chair about 5 feet away from the table, because he can't fit his legs under it anymore! That is how big his bump is. Sort of.

I think everyone nearly died with shock when Tyson said he was pregnant. And of course, everyone blames Tala for the fact that everyone now knows, because it was Tala who was having an argument with Tyson at the time when Tyson said he was pregnant.

If I say the word 'pregnant' one more time, I may have to hit Tyson round the head. If only for the entertainment value of him looking all confused. I love it when I hit him round the head for no reason, and then he looks all confuzzled. Of course, I don't hit anywhere near his stomach, for I might hurt the baby, and I don't want to be doing that.

All the teachers continuously stare at Tyson's bump. To be fair, it is an odd sight. A fully-fledged male human being, waddling down the corridor and into classes with a baby bump. It's like something you'd see in that Arnold Schwarzenegger film.

Anyway, we now have a new little group. Tala and Kai are with us practically all the time now, save for the moment when they're off screwing each other senseless. We don't exactly mind that they leave when they're… Frustrated. We've all had enough of seeing them have sexytime.

And by 'we', I don't just mean me and Tyson. Mariam's also joined our little group. Well, she would, considering she's MY girlfriend -insert your smiley faces here-. Actually, talking of Mariam… It's roughly been 6 months since we started going out, and we still haven't done the dirty deed, i.e. SEX.

Mariam chickens out every time I brandish a condom at her. I'm sure me being naked at the time with a full hard-on has nothing to do with it… Much. Maybe I should ask if she's ready to sleep with me whilst being fully dressed?

Back to the lesson. We are learning about Macbeth. All I've learnt about him so far, is that he was a very nasty man. That is it. Tala and Kai aren't even listening, but just giggling away to themselves. How do they get away with it? If it was me and Tyson giggling away to ourselves, we'd be booted out of the class, no matter how pregnant Tyson is.

Damn, I just said the 'p' word again, didn't I?

It's still weird putting the words 'Tyson' and 'pregnant' in the same sentence.

5 minutes later

Apparently, baby is kicking, because Tyson is stroking his belly. I've learnt that he only strokes it when the baby kicks. He's going "shh", too. Like the baby can hear him!

One minute later

Oh God. Tala and Kai have spotted the bump-stroking, and they ALWAYS have to join in if Tyson's stroking his bump. This is no longer an English lesson. It is now a bump-stroking session.

"Excuse me boys," the teacher said from the front.

Tala, Kai and Tyson looked up, but none of them stopped stroking the bump.

"Can you please stop stroking… That thing, and turn to face the front of the class again, please."

"'That thing' happens to be my baby bump," Tyson said.

"Yes, well… This is still a lesson, and you all need to stop stroking Tyson."

"I'm not stroking Tyson!" I protested.

"It looks like you are under the table," the teacher replied.

"Where the Hell would I be stroking him if it was under the table?! What are you trying to imply?!" I shouted at the teacher.

Tala and Kai were still stroking the bump.

"What she's trying to imply is that you are stroking my penis. Do stop it, Max, this is a lesson," Tyson laughed.

Gee, thanks, Tyson.

Walking to Lunch

12.01 in the pm

La, la, la, la, la, la, laaaaaa. Kai and Tala are holding hands whilst walking down this here corridor. It's quite sweet, really. Tyson's going on about 'his Brooklyn', and what he's going to do when he sees his 'sweet little ginger nut'.

We're also talking about the baby.

"You know you're 6 months in, Tyson," Tala said.

"Well, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't be this big," Tyson replied. People were staring at his bump.

"You've got another three months to go, yet. You're going to get bigger," I reminded him.

"Damn… Yeah."

"Oh my God! What if it's twins?!" Kai exclaimed. All this baby stuff has made him mad. Er. He is apparently desperate for a seahorse.

"It's not," Tyson said.

"But what if it is?!"

"But it really isn't. The midwife told me that there was only one."

"But if it's twins, can I have one?!"

"Kai, for fuck's sake, it is not twins, and even if it is, you wouldn't be getting one."

Kai looked all sad and pouty. Tala gripped his hand tighter.

"What I was about to say, was that now you're 6 months in, you'd better start thinking of baby names," Tala said.

"Brooklyn and I have. We can't think of one that we agree on, though."

"How about Voltaire?"

"Shut up, Kai," I said.

"Boris?"

"Kai, shut it."

"Ian? Zeo? Gordo? Gary Glitter? Geoff? Patrick? Spongebob? Squidward? Mr Krabs? Sandy? Merry? Pippin? GANDALF?!"

"Kai!"

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, here's a good one. Gideon!"

"Kai, I am not naming my baby after any of the evil gits we've met, or anything random."

"… Ok."

We continued walking towards the canteen, when Kai spoke again.

"OK, how about Dr. B?"

"Kai. Shut. Up."

Lunch

12.11 in the pm

There's nothing like sitting at the canteen table, whilst two of your gay friends (Kai and Tala) feed each other from each others mouths (eww), and your girlfriend is moping about because her brother left the school, and having Tyson wince in pain.

"Tala, Kai… Can't you do that somewhere else… Or at least a bit more quietly?" I asked the two mad Russians. "I'm trying to eat my chicken sarnie, and it's really distracting hearing you two suck soup from each other's mouths."

"Sorry, Max."

I looked at Tyson. He was fiddling with his bits.

"Do you mind?" I asked.

"Not really," he replied. Well, he would. "I swear this baby keeps pulling my balls up."

"… Thanks for that, Tyson," Mariam said. She's finally looked up from her food.

"Will you please cheer up," Tala said, looking at Mariam. "I've had enough of you looking like a clinically depressed person with a face like a slapped arse."

"Yes, please," Kai said.

"No, I wasn't offering to slap your arse."

"Oh."

"Cheers, Tala. You really know how to cheer someone up," Mariam said, with a big smile on her face.

Huh, so if I ever need to cheer her up… I should just insult her like Tala does?

"Anyhoo, Mariam. Do you feel like staying in my room tonight, if you know what I mean?" I asked her.

She turned beetroot red.

"Oh, but Tyson will be there, and it won't be fair on him and-"

"No worries," Tyson grinned. "I'm staying in Brooklyn's room tonight. He wants to massage my bump."

"Oh, but Kai and Tala might hear, and-"

"We don't mind. After all, we wake half the school up with our sexytime," Tala grinned.

Mariam sighed.

"Sure, I'll stay in your room," she said.

Result! Sort of.

8.05 in the pm

Mariam has arrived, and she's brought all her sleeping gear. Which is wise, as we'll be sleeping. Amongst other things. Teehee. She's currently sat on my bed, looking a bit depressed. Is now the time to insult her to cheer her up?

A minute later

No, I don't want to spoil my chances of getting laid.

A minute later

Instead, I've given her a big hug, and it seems to have worked, because she's finally smiling.

"I wish you'd smile a bit more," I told her.

"I wish I could, but it just makes me sad that Joseph's left."

"More fool him. He's the one missing out, not you. So cheer up, already! Besides, it's not like you're NEVER going to see him again, is it?"

"… Yeah, you're right."

"When aren't I?"

"Alright, don't get too cocky."

"Too late. I'm as hard as stone."

"Max!"

"Sorry!"

We both keeled over giggling.

8.30 in the pm

There is banging on the wall. And moaning. It also happens to be coming from Tala and Kai's direction, so three guesses what they're up to.

"Are they always that loud?"

"Yes."

"How do you get to sleep?"

"We have to wait until they finish. And even then they stay up for hours, singing or talking really loudly."

"They sing after sex?"

"Yes. It's one of those weird Kai and Tala things. Personally, I go to sleep after sex."

"Same here."

Awkward silence falls upon us.

"So, do you want to?"

"Want to what?"

"Have sex?"

"Well… Erm…"

"Oh come on, Mariam. We've been going out for 6 months, and not even done it, yet."

"I know! I just want to go slow… And-"

"If this relationship was going any slower, we'd be going backwards."

I am not wrong.

9.00 in the pm

I honestly don't want to force Mariam into doing anything she wants to, so I'll have to get her in the mood… By stripping. No, not really!! The amount of times I've done that and she's chickened out even more is ridiculous…

So, kissing her like there's no tomorrow will have to do.

"Are you ready, now?" I ask her.

She nods.

Just as I was about to take her top off… She screams at me.

"I'VE GOT CHLAMYDIA!"

I stare at her and then shake my head.

"For God's sake, Mariam… Just cuddles tonight, then?"

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A/N: Teehee. Sorry if this wasn't AS funny at 'Confessions'. I just need time to get back into the hilariousosity… Which isn't easy to say. I'm sure I'll get back into the groove soon, though.

I'll try and update real soon. Unless the Big Bang Machine under Switzerland creates a black hole tomorrow and we all end up dying…

I'm so optimistic today :D

This chapter would've been up yesterday, but… I got slightly drunk and ended up on Club Penguin and stayed on it until 2 in the morning /

So, did you guys enjoy this? I hope so, and if not, then that's OK. It WILL get better :D Review?


	2. Why, Yes, I Am Wearing Speedos

- WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Just swearing, methinks. In fact, I don't think anything REALLY sexual happens until chapter 4... And that chapter comes with a twist which I'm sure you'll all love. Oh, Kai and Tala have a bit of "fun" in the pool, but you can't really tell what they're doing. Just insert your dirty thoughts when you read it.

- A/N: I dedicate this chapter to MarianQ, as she said she was going to hunt for it after she finished work. It has been uploaded later than intended, though.

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**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 2: Why, Yes. I Am Wearing Speedos**

Wednesday 26th March '08

10.00 in the am

I don't know why, but Kai and Tala have organised a big group trip to the swimming pool in town. What's worrying is that:

A) It was Kai and Tala who organised it;

B) They invited EVERYONE;

C) We're having to skive off from school, and just hope that none of the teachers notice.

So, here we are… At the swimming pool, with people swimming around (obviously)… And I don't know what to do. Swim, maybe? Currently, I'm sat at the side of the pool, and Tyson is floating nearby. Mariam's still in the changing rooms somewhere, as are Kai and Tala.

It amazes me that Tyson can float. Seeing as he's pregnant, full of water already, and was fat even before he got pregnant. He seems to be enjoying it though.

"Look, Max! Can you see little feet kicking my belly?! Baby likes it!"

"Or, baby might just be saying, "please, Daddy number 1, baby no want to be in more water! Baby is fed up with water!" and is therefore kicking you to tell you to get out."

"Awww, nice baby."

"Tyson, it's not a dog."

"I know that. I mean, I've never fucked a dog, so why would I be pregnant with a puppy?"

Then we got distracted by the arrival of Tala and Kai. Or, to be more precise, what they were wearing.

"Er, Tala… Are those-" I began.

"Why, Yes. I am wearing Speedos," he replied.

Me and Tyson looked at Kai.

"Please tell me those aren't the bottom half of bikini," I said to Kai.

"Alright, they aren't the bottom half of a bikini," Kai replied, shrugging.

"He lies. They are, but he didn't want to wear the bikini top, because he said his moobs weren't big enough," Tala said.

"Tyson could wear it, though, if he wants," Kai said, whipping the bikini top out of nowhere, and throwing it to Tyson, who just lay there floating and staring.

"I'll pass," Tyson replied, throwing the bikini top back at Kai.

May I point out, that Kai's bikini bottoms are all stringy, and have "Babe" written on the backside. He worries me. Tala worries me, too, because he probably bought them for Kai. They both worry me.

"I was going to wear my very attractive, pink all-in-one swimsuit," Kai explained as he sat down next to me, "but I decided not to, because the last time I did, I managed to get both legs stuck in one hole."

Please, brain, don't let that image get into my head!

… Damn… Too late.

I was saved from the madness of Kai, by the arrival of Mariam. She was wearing a very pretty, floaty and baby blue bikini. I must say, she looks hot. And bikinis suit her better than Kai.

"Sorry for taking ages," she said, sitting down on the other side of me. "I managed to get both legs stuck in one hole somehow."

"AHA!" Kai exclaimed. "I just KNOW you were sitting there, Max, with images of getting both of my legs stuck in one hole of my swimsuit, thinking 'God, he's weird for getting both of his legs stuck in one hole of his swimsuit!' But look now, even your own GIRLFRIEND does it! How weird does that make me now?!"

I chose not to answer that.

"Kai…" Mariam began, looking him up and down, as he had stood up when shouting, and was still pointing at me, "are you wearing bikini bottoms?"

"… Yes."

"Why?"

"… Because I like them."

Mariam shook her head, and decided to say no more of the matter. Instead all three of us chose to watch Tala cannonball himself at Tyson. He missed, but plopped in just next to Tyson, causing Tyson to float away with the ripples, laughing manically.

"We don't have the normalest of friends, do we?" I asked Mariam, as Kai slid himself into the water going, "Oooh, it's warm."

"No… But then if we had normal friends, it would take all the fun out of life," Mariam answered.

I nodded, and we returned to watching Kai swim around in circles. Clearly he didn't see the big red blob swimming towards him underwater, but we could, and before Kai knew it, he was being dragged down by a Tala shark.

What we saw next… Made us wish we didn't see it. As Tala was doing something _very_ sexual to Kai underwater. It was a good job the water was so ripply, otherwise we would've been able to see everything.

Tyson came floating back, paddling himself with his hands.

"It amazes me, y'know… That I'm full of water, but I still manage to float as good as a boat."

"Not all boats float good," Mariam pointed out.

"Yeah, like the Titanic. That sank," I said.

"But that was because She hit an iceberg. She was floating fine before that," Tyson said. "Anyway, the likelihood of me hitting an iceberg is zero, so I shall float to my hearts' content. Weeeeeee."

We just stared at him as he prepared to float a lap of the pool. Kai and Tala re-emerged, both very breathless. Whether it was from holding their breath for so long, or because of what they were doing, I don't know. It was have been both. I also noticed that there was suspicious white stuff floating next to them.

"Can you to please not do that sort of thing in a public pool?" I ask them.

"No," Tala replied, and got out, sitting next to me. He pulled up Kai to sit on his lap, and we all watched as Tyson came floating towards us.

"Are you actually going to do any swimming?" Mariam asked him.

"Why would I do that when I can just float?" Tyson replied.

We all just stared at him, when Kai started pointing at the diving board. We all looked up to see Hilary stood there with a megaphone.

"Like she needs one of them," Tyson said, referring to the megaphone.

Hilary put the megaphone to her mouth, aware that she had gotten everyone's attention.

"Everyone in this pool has sucked my tits," Hilary said.

"No they haven't," Tyson shouted back.

"What tits?" Kai said.

"She's more flat-chested than Jordan!" Tala said.

"That's really not a good comparison, since Jordan has big basoomas," Mariam pointed out.

"Alright, she's more flat-chested than me, then," Tala corrected himself.

"That's better," Mariam said.

We all watched as Hilary jumped off the board, and managed to land belly-first into the water.

"Ouch!" Tala said, and winced at the noise it made.

"Have you ever done that?" I asked. "It fucking hurts. I recommend not doing it…"

Hilary got out of the pool, holding onto her stomach-area, and looking in pain. It was her own damn fault for not diving right.

Biology

2.15 in the pm

Unfortunately, the teachers DID notice that we'd all disappeared, and we were forced to go back up to the school. That was alright, since we'd been in the pool so long, that we all looked like prunes.

So here we are in Biology. The only problem is that we don't have Mariam with us. She's in a different class. We do have Tala and Kai, though, and Biology with them is always interesting. We're dissecting things again, today.

We also don't have Tyson. Once he heard that we had to dissect a frog to find it's liver, he almost exploded his vomit everywhere. It was not a pretty sight. So I'm left with Kai and Tala AGAIN, and we're extremely behind everyone else, because every time Tala goes to cut the frog, Kai squeals and tell him to stop.

It's so annoying.

Tala's trying again… And…

"Ooooh, stop, Tala, you might hurt it!"

"For fuck's sake, Kai, it's already dead! How could I be hurting it any further!"

"I'm sure that when it died, it wanted to be buried in one peace, so why should we go and cut out it's organs?!"

"Kai, frogs don't have funerals, burials, or cremations, so stop whining and let me get on with it."

"But it wants to be buried! I'll bury it!"

"Fine, you bury it, just let me get it's liver, first!"

"Nooooooo!"

… Do you see what I have to put up with?!

P.E., Otherwise known as Physical Education, but something I know only as torture with balls, rackets, sticks and other equipment

3.15 in the pm

Final lesson of the day… I don't know if I have enough energy to do this lesson. It's hockey. It requires a lot of energy. Something I don't have a lot of, and therefore is the reason why I don't think I can survive it.

But I shall persevere! For Mariam is doing hockey, too. It's girls versus boys. The only bad things are:

1) I'm on a team with Kai and Tala (Tyson is excused because of his _condition_;

And 2) Mariam is on a team, with Emily.

Being up against Emily, and having Mariam on a team with Emily is very, very, very, very bad, because she will be out to murder us both. In the most brutal way possible. With her hockey stick.

Aaaaand, they're off! Kai's the captain of this team (a mistake, methinks), and has managed to hit the ball before the girls' captain. Who happens to be Emily. Kai 'passed' the ball to Tala (actually, he just hit in in a random direction, and Tala just happened to be stood there), Tala passed to me, I passed to Brooklyn, Brooklyn passed to Tyson, who was cheering at the sidelines…

"Brooklyn, Tyson's not playing!" I reminded him.

"Oh, yeah!" he shouted back to me.

So the girls now have the ball. Emily is running with it, Mariam's at the side of Emily, wide open… Emily changes direction, aims at Mariam and… HITS MARIAM WITH HER HOCKEY STICK IN THE ARM! What the fuck?!

"Mariam!" I shouted, and ran over to my little chicken dipper.

Mariam was crouched down, holding her arm with tears in her eyes.

"That fucking hurt," she mumbled.

The ref called off the match, and told Tala and Kai to take Mariam up to the medical ward (a big mistake asking them, to, if you ask me… Kai's bombarding her with questions you'd ask someone to find out if they had concussion).

I've walked over to Emily, who is smirking more evilly than I've ever seen her smirk before. In fact, imagine Tala's evil smirk. It's worse than that!

"Why did you hit Mariam?" I ask her.

"Because I don't like her," Emily replied, still smirking up at me. I've only just realised how much I've grown…

"Why? Because she's going out with me?"

"Too damn right."

I stared at her.

"Let me ask you Max… What does Mariam mean to you?"

"The world. More than you ever meant to me."

"Really? So let me ask you why you haven't slept with her yet."

"Sex isn't everything."

"That's not what you thought when you were with me."

"Well, I'm not with you anymore. And if Mariam doesn't want to sleep with me yet, then that's fine."

"Are you sure she doesn't want to sleep with you, because she doesn't actually _like_ you or want to be with you?"

"No, she wants to take it slow. Anyway, stop questioning my relationship with Mariam, and just leave us the Hell alone!" I shouted at her, and turned away.

I began walking back into the school, when Emily shouted at me.

"She doesn't love you, Max!"

7.05 in the pm

We are all hiding out in Room 101. 'We' being me, Tyson, Mariam, Brooklyn, Kai and Tala. Kai and Tala seem to be in mine and Tyson's room more than their own, these days.

I decided that Mariam was going to stay in my room tonight. Well, actually, she asked if she could stay, and I wasn't about to object. Tyson announced that Brooklyn was going to stay in our room tonight, too, which was news to Brooklyn. Kai and Tala are here because they felt left out, apparently.

"You two aren't actually sleeping in here, are you?" Mariam asked Kai and Tala, who were both sat on the floor.

"Yes!" Kai replied.

"Well, there will be no sexytime, no moaning, nothing, you got it?" Tyson told them both, and they nodded.

We all took to looking at Mariam's arm, and as she lifted up her sleeve, we all hissed at the big purple mark that was there.

"The nurse told me that it's going to ache for a while, and so I should avoid lifting things and stuff with it," Mariam told us.

"So your knight in shining armour will have to help you out, then?" Kai asked, his eyes… Twinkling. Twinkling?!

"Yeah, I'll carry her bag around for her and everything," I nodded.

We all then decided that we were all knackered. What from swimming, mad Biology lessons (thanks, Kai), and P.E. with certain people hitting other certain people with hockey sticks… We were officially pooped.

Mariam cosied herself up in my bed, and Brooklyn cuddled into Tyson. Kai and Tala gave Tyson's bump one last stroked before snuggling into their sleeping bags on the floor.

I pulled Mariam in closer to me, and began stroking the bruise on her arm, trying to make it feel less achey.

10.13 in the pm

"Ohhh… Tala…"

"Shh, Kaisy, they'll hear you."

"Fuck me, Tala…That feels good…."

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?!"

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A/N: Holy. Crud. This chapter took me less than an hour to write! Does it look a bit rushed? If it does… You know the reason why.

Please tell me you know what 'moobs' are.

The line, "everyone in this pool has suck on my tits" belongs to Russell Howard. Google him. I have a bit of a crush on him. He is fantastic. In fact, I love him so much, that every time he comes on my TV screen, I do a tiny little wee.

… Not that you needed to know that.

I hope you enjoyed, anyway!


	3. Oooh, When I Was A Young Warthog!

- WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Tala-bashing, attempted sexual activities. Fail.

- A/N: Does this story get updated every Monday, or is it just me? Actually, the answer to that question would be both XD I've just looked at the chapter plans, and two of the chapters involves laxatives! I don't remember planning that! Which reminds me, I have a fantastic idea for chapter 11... Enjoy!

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 3: Oooh, When I Was A Young Warthog!**

Friday 28th March '08

10.00 in the am

Tyson has a scan. A baby scan. At 11 in the am. That is why me, Kai and Tala re sat on a bus next to him, on our way to the hospital. We're having to skive off from school again. Honestly, we spend more time out of it than in.

Someone does need to remind me why Kai and Tala are coming along, though. There's no need for them to be here! Tyson asked ME to come along to the scan with him (Brooklyn was busy - too busy to go to a scan of his baby… What a fantastic Father he's going to make…), not Kai and Tala.

They were in the vicinity when Tyson asked me, though.

So they overheard everything.

So really, if you don't want Tala and Kai to invite themselves to something, you have to discuss it in private.

That is the mistake Tyson made. He asked me in front of Kai and Tala.

5 minutes later

I think Kai might be feeling broody. Watch out, Tala, he'll want to adopt! Unless he's weird like Tyson and has two sets of genitals. Not that Tyson has a vagina. He has an indoor vagina. No, I don't mean that, do I? I mean that he has a penis, but he also has a womb, but no vagina. His arsehole is his vagina.

30 seconds later

Why am I thinking about that?!

1 minute later

As I was saying, before I rudely interrupted my own train of thought with thoughts of Tyson' weird genitals… I think Kai might be feeling broody. Not only does he keep suggesting names to Tyson, but he keeps feeling Tyson's bump, and there's a woman sat on the seats opposite to Tala, who has her daughter with her.

Unfortunately, the woman is so fat, that she takes up both seats. So the little girl was standing up when we got on. Tala sat down, and patted the seat for Kai to sit next to, but Kai looked at the girl, who was giving him puppy eyes, and he let her sit next to Tala instead. Right now, the girl is talking to Kai non-stop about all her toys. Strangely, Kai seems to be very happy talking about the toys. Tala looks pissed off, and the girls' Mum seems quite happy, too.

5 minutes later

Tyson is having a singsong… He's singing badly, of course.

"Oooh, when I was a young warthog!"

"I dread to think what that baby's going to look like, then," I said.

"Do you think it'll look like a seahorse?" Kai piped up.

"Oooh, I like seahorses!" the little girl exclaimed.

"You like seahorses?! So do I!"

"Wow! Can you be my new Daddy?"

Blimey.

The Bus Stop Outside The Hospital

10.35 in the am

When we got off the bus, Kai turned back to it, and waved off his newly-adopted daughter. He actually cried. We tried telling him he probably wouldn't see her ever again… But he was bawling his eyes out too hard to hear us. Tala's holding onto him at the moment, as we walked up the path to the hospital. Tala looks a bit worried, actually.

I would be, too, if I were him.

Sat In the Waiting Room… Waiting

10.40 in the am

"She was my first-born…" Kai sniffled.

"For God's sake, Kai. She wasn't your daughter!" I said in exasperation.

A minute later

"… She liked seahorses, too…"

"For crying out loud, Kai!"

A minute later

"She was my first-born and liked seahorses…"

"Kai, if you don't stop going on about that girl and bloody seahorses, I'm going to castrate you," I said.

"BUT SHE WAS MY DAUGHTER!"

"NO SHE FUCKING WASN'T! SHE WAS A RANDOM GIRL ON THE BLOODY BUS WHO HAPPENED TO LIKE SEAHORSES!" I shouted at Kai.

"Erm, excuse me," the woman at the desk said. "Can you please keep the noise down. And no swearing."

Me and Kai shut up and crossed our arms. Tala was reading a woman's magazine and had apparently noticed nothing. Tyson was looking around at all the pregnant women, who were staring at him and his bump. He had also apparently noticed nothing.

11.00 in the am

Here we all are, in the scanning room. It's not actually called that, but never mind. Tyson is lay down on the bed, and me, Tala and Kai are squashed around like sardines. Luckily, it's the same woman doing the scan, so she won't be _too_ worried that Tyson is male and pregnant.

She fainted the last time we went for Tyson's scan (yes, Brooklyn was also busy that time, so I was asked, and Kai and Tala tagged along…).

"Have you had many more cravings?" the woman asked Tyson, whilst squeezing jelly onto Tyson's belly. He giggled.

"No more unusual ones… Morning sickness has gone away, too."

"Erm, about how you're going to deliver…"

"Well, I'm definitely having a c-section. I am not squeezing this thing out of my arse. As pleasurable as it was making it, it won't be pleasurable squeezing it on out."

"Can we make babies?" Kai asked Tala.

"Later," Tala replied with a wink. Kai grinned.

The woman/nurse/thing raised her eyebrows, but put the scanner thing on Tyson's stomach, and rolled it around in the jelly. She soon picked up a picture.

"Look! It's a seahorse!" Kai exclaimed.

"If I get you a seahorse, will you shut up about them?" Tala asked.

"No."

A minute later

"Can we call it Gary?"

"Call what Gary?"

"The baby."

"Kai, for Christ's sake, I'm trying to enjoy my scan, and you're making it as unenjoyable as possible. Stop it."

"Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha, 'unenjoyable' isn't even a word!"

5 minutes later

We had to get Tala to take Kai out of the room. He decided to keep poking Tyson's belly, going "Gary" at it. Tyson said he was going to twat Kai in the face if he didn't stop it.

On the bus back to the school

11.40 in the am

Kai is looking around sadly. We all know that he's looking for the little girl from earlier. Tala may have to adopt a child sooner than he thought. He could have Tyson's.

Baby is apparently kicking, as Tyson is rubbing his stomach, I pray to God that Kai and Tala don't- Too late. They've spotted the belly-rubbing. It's turned into group belly-rubbing. Again.

"Tala, can I have a baby?" Kai asked.

"No," Tala replied.

"But I want another child! I lost the little girl!"

"If I get you a pet, will you stop going on about seahorses and babies?"

"… Maybe."

Tea

6.00 in the pm

We're all munching. Well, sort of. Kai and Tala are munching and snogging. It's not attractive. Brooklyn has also rejoined us. He didn't even see Tyson after we came back from the scan… Surely he'd have wanted to see the latest ultrasound picture that Tyson brought back?

The point is, he's here now, and he and Tyson are looking at the picture together. Mariam is sat next to me… Oddly quiet. And her lip is split.

"What happened to your lip?" I asked her.

"I had an accident."

"What sort of accident?"

"I met Emily's fist."

What a bitch!

15 minutes later

I went on a hunt for Emily, and I found her.

"Why did you hit my girlfriend?" I asked as I walked up to her.

"I'm sorry, were you talking to me?" Emily said, pretending she hadn't heard me.

"Yeah. I'll repeat even though I know you heard the first time. Why did you hit my girlfriend?"

"Your girlfriend? I didn't know you had one," Emily said, smirking.

"Just because I haven't slept with Mariam, doesn't mean we're not going out. Just stay away from me and Mariam. Stop interfering, you jealous cow."

I walked away with my head held high in a dignity-at-all-times way. Only problem is, whenever I do that, I trip over something. Like this mat. How did that get there?

9.15 in the pm

Tyson has gone to Brooklyn's room tonight. Brooklyn's been planning something special, apparently. Kai and Tala have also volunteered to stay in their own room tonight. Which leaves room 101 to me and Mariam!

"Max…" Mariam began. She was in my bed.

"Indeed?" I replied, between brushing my teeth. I wanted to taste minty fresh!

"I think I'm ready."

"For bed?"

"For sex, you arse."

"You're not sexing my arse!"

"Max, you've gotten lot somewhere. I'm ready for sex. With you. Your arse will not be involved."

"Ah right. I was wondering how that would work, anyway. Unless there's something you need to tell me…?"

"Oh, ha ha. Finish brushing those pearly whites of yours, and get in this bed."

"Yes, sir!"

A minute later

It didn't take me long to finish brushing my tushy-pegs. Maria, was offering herself to me on a plate, and I wasn't going to turn down this opportunity! Currently, I'm snogging the girl of my dreams. And because she was under my duvet, I didn't know that she was only wearing her underwear (and that does include both pants and bra, you bunch of pervs) until I got in with her.

I was just about to undo her bra, when she squealed.

"What?" I asked.

"I've got terrible gas!"

"Yeah, and?"

"It smells! Bad!"

"Mariam, I think I probably have worse…"

I tried to get on with taking her bra off, but she squealed again.

"I need to poo!"

I removed my hand from her back, and stared at her. She stared at me.

"You don't need to poo, do you?" I asked her.

"Actually… No," she replied.

"Mariam, if you don't want to have sex, then just say!"

"Ok. I don't think I'm ready for sex."

Bleh. Just cuddles and kisses tonight, then…

Saturday 29th March '08

7.30 in the am

Tyson returned a little before seven this morning, with a case of the grumps. Brooklyn must've pissed him off. Mariam seems kind of… Distant. I think even she's getting fed up of her getting cold feet anytime we even think the word 'sex'.

At the moment Tyson is looking through a baby and Mother magazine (Kai bought it for him…), Mariam is in the bathroom, and I'm still snuggled up in my bed. We're planning to actually go to some practice matches today.

I was about to go back to sleep, and snooze for a bit, when someone honked the horn outside. Tyson made no indication that he was going to answer it, and Mariam was still taking a shower, so I myself had to get out of bed to answer the bloody door.

I've opened the door, aaaand… It's Tala and Kai. Kai looks amused. Tala looks pissed off. And is wearing a hat.

"Something's happened," Tala said seriously.

Kai sniggered, and Tala threw him a warning look. I let them both in, and Kai immediately went over to Tyson and his baby magazine. Tala sat on my bed. Just in time, Mariam walked out of the bathroom, brushing her sopping wet hair.

"What's happened?" she asked. Clearly she'd heard Tala.

"Something bad," Tala replied unhelpfully.

"It's quite funny, really. But I like it," Kai said, not looking up from the magazine. We all looked at him.

"What's happened that could be so bad, that you're having to wear a hat?" I asked Tala.

"This," he replied, and took off his hat.

30 seconds later

Excuse us for the pause, but we (not including Kai) are all staring at Tala's hair. And it's taking a while, but I think the appropriate reaction will arrive soon.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Yup, there it is.

5 minutes later

Laugh. Deep breath. Laugh some more.

10 minutes later

Tala has bleached his hair. It is bright yellow. I am not joking.

"It's not fucking funny!" Tala snarled.

"How, erm… Did you do that by mistake?" I asked, trying not to crack up again.

"Well, I tried to dye it a darker shade of red, since my natural colour's a bit bright… But they obviously got mixed up somewhere at the hair dye factory, because instead of putting red dye in, they put bleach in!"

Mariam was red with trying not to burst out laughing. Kai had come over and was now stroking Tala's hair. Tyson had stopped laughing and had returned his attention to the baby magazine.

"I like it," Kai commented. "Tala reminds me of a seahorse, now."

* * *

A/N: Well, it looks like Kai finally got his pet seahorse… Sort of. Hopefully, there won't be anymore seahorse talk for a couple of chapters… I went sort of overboard with it this chapter XD

I'm not too proud of this chapter, actually… But never mind. It's an update for you guys, and hopefully made you laugh!

Review?


	4. You Are My Only Seahorse

- WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: You're going to love this chapter. Manlove, swearing, LIMEY, LEMONEY GOODNESS! Johnny-bashing and a seahorse song(ish)…

- A/N: Why is it that this story gets more reviews than anything else I write?! Surely it's not THAT funny… (I can see everyone disagreeing with me in their reviews, now…) Anyway, I said this chapter contained a bit of a twist (hopefully). It's a twist that some of you are going to love… I think StZen in particular is going to love it… :P Enjoy!

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 4: You Are My Only Seahorse**

Sunday 30th March '08

8.05 in the am

Kai is thinking of starting his own diary, apparently. That's what he's gotten me up at eight o'bloody'clock in the morning for, anyway. In fact, what he said, was:

"Max, I want to start a diary. Can I borrow yours to see how it's done?"

Why would you want to steal someone else's diary, just to see how you'd write in it?! I'm getting the idea that Kai is not well in the head, anymore…

My point is, that I am letting him borrow my diary for today, so he can write in it, and then he's going to come back to me with it, and we'll read through it, and then I'll grade him on how well he did.

It was his idea to do the grading, by the way. He believes he's going to be taking an exam and everything. Yes, Kai. It's going to be the "How Well Do You Fill In Your Diary" exam. The sad thing is, when I told him that, he actually believed me. He started panicking, saying he hadn't studied or anything.

Anyway, over to him. Speak later!

8.10

Er, dear diary…

Is that how Max starts his?

No, he can't start it like that. He writes in it too much…

Anyway, I am Kai Hiwatari, and I am entering you…

NO!

I don't mean that! I mean I'm writing an entry in you!

8.15

Tala is bustling around in the bathroom, muttering something about denture bleach. I don't know why he wants it. I don't know why he has it. He's a confusing boyfriend to have. Strangely, he says the same thing about me…

8.20

"Kai?"

"Yesh?"

"Why have I just found a bottle of 'Autumn Red' hair dye?"

Is this a trick question?

"I don't know. Why have you just found a bottle of 'Autumn Red' hair dye?"

"Why is the denture bleach bottle empty?"

"I don't know. Why do you keep asking me?"

"Because you were the one helping me dye my hair yesterday."

"Yeah, and?"

"You were the one who put the dye on."

"Yeah, and?"

"I asked you to make sure you knew which bottle you'd picked up."

"Well, they both looked the same, so I thought it wouldn't matter."

A vein twitched in Tala's temple. Did I just say something wrong?

"You thought it wouldn't matter?!"

"Did I pick up the wrong bottle, then?"

"Obviously, you gay, seahorse-loving twit!"

Er… Oops?

8.25

Tala isn't very happy with me, as he just found out I'd picked up the wrong bottle when dying his hair yesterday. He shouldn't have put the dye next to the bleach! Why do we have denture bleach, anyway?!

"Why do we have denture bleach, anyway?"

Tala is sat on his bed, with his back to me. I think I've really pissed him off.

"We stole it off Voltaire if you remember correctly," he replied matter-of-factly. He still isn't looking at me. "I brought it along, so we could remember stealing it, and have a good laugh about it. But now we can't, considering you've used it on my hair."

"I'm sorry…"

"Sorry isn't good enough. Did you hear about that girl, Georgia Nicolson, who used denture bleach to put two blonde streaks in her hair?"

"No…?"

"The blonde bits snapped off. If I go bald because of you, I'll never forgive you."

"… I'll glue your hair back on if it does fall off…"

Tala turned round and looked at me with his eyebrows raised. I hope I'm imagining this, but one of his strands seems kind of limp… Like my cock. Currently, anyway.

"Tal… One of your strands look kind of limp."

"I haven't put any gel on, yet. You're going to help me dye my hair properly," Tala said to me, standing up.

"But I cocked up yesterday," I said miserably, and pouting. He can't resist my pout. "I'll just cock up again…"

"There's no bleach to confuse it with today… Besides, I'm not really that mad…" Tala said, giving me a hug.

I love his hugs. So warm, and snuggly, and cuddly, and huggy. He's like a big cuddly bear. With less fur.

"Can we have sex, now?" I asked.

"Not yet. You need to help me dye my hair."

"Can we have sex after that?"

"No, we need to annoy Tyson and Max after that. It's on our 'To Do' list."

"Can we have sex after that?"

"Maybe."

"YAY."

8.45

Tala has the dye on his head. He's complaining that it's really itchy. I hope I haven't put toothpaste on by mistake. Or even worse… My pink bubble bath! Oh my God! What if I have?!

"Oh my God, Tala! What if I've put my pink bubble bath on your head instead of the dye, and that's why it's all itchy?!"

Tala just stared at me.

"If you'd put bubble bath on my hair… My head would be all bubbly."

Ooooh yeah. Of course it would. I still need to check, though. I zoomed into the bathroom.

"Are you checking?" Tala called to me.

"Yup."

"What's the verdict?"

"I didn't put my bubble bath on your head."

"I told you. It's just the hair dye, Kai. Now get back in here."

I zoomed back into the bedroom. Tala was all spread-eagled on the bed, smothering his (or, our, as we seem to sleep in the same bed) pillow with red hair dye.

"Tala, get off the bed! You're going to dye the sheets!" I squealed.

"For fuck's sake, Kai. Here I am, offering myself to you, with my legs akimbo, and all you can bloody think about are the bed sheets?!"

"… Yes. YOU'LL STAIN THEM!"

"You are impossible."

9.03

I've shoved Tala's head in the sink to wash off the hair dye. I don't know if it was a good idea, because he's turning everything red.

"Why do you have to insist on having red hair?" I asked.

"At least it's not blue. Unlike some."

"I'm not the one dying my hair blue."

"Well, neither am I. I'm dying it red."

That comeback backfired, I think. Once I was sure the hair dye was all out, I picked up a towel to start drying Tala's hair with. Just as I was about to shove it on his head, he started shaking his head about like a dog, sending water everywhere.

"Oi, you're getting everything wet!" I yelled.

"We're in the fucking bathroom, everything tends to get wet, anyway!"

"It doesn't need to get any wetter!"

"Will you stop complaining about everything?!"

"No! Get this fucking towel on your head before I butt-rape you!"

"Ooooh, is that an offer?"

I am LOSING this battle.

"Tala, just dry your hair, or no sex for you today."

"That's OK. You were the one asking for sex earlier, not me."

"But you just wanted sex, too."

"I wanted you to make the first move for once. But you didn't."

I give up. This conversation is confusing my tiny brain.

"Just… Shut up. I'm going to bang next door."

"Are you now?"

"Yes, and bang them all I will!"

Tala raised his eyebrows at me, as I walked with my head held high straight into the closed door. Bollocks.

9.05

To honk, or not to honk, that is the question? I never want to honk the horn, because you're supposed to honk it when you're horny, apparently. That's what this sign says, anyway. But then the other sign says you have to honk for the attention of Max and Tyson. And someone's scribbled under it "and bump".

I want a bump.

Well, obviously not just a bump. I want a bump with a baby in it. Otherwise I'd just be fat. And that would be horrific. How would I bounce up and down on Tala if I was jump of lard. You could just see the headlines now:

"Tala Ivanov, great redheaded, gay Russian Beyblader gets killed during sex by being bounced on by a lump of lard that looks suspiciously like Kai Hiwatari (also gay)."

… How did I start thinking about that, again? Oh yes… The horn. To honk, or not to honk, that is the question.

9.05 and a half

Honk.

"Oh, it's you again," Max answered the door.

Well, that's nice.

"I came to bang you," I said.

"I beg your pudding?!" Tyson said, also appearing at the door.

"I came to bang you, as well."

"There will be no banging without me," Tala joined in, stepping out of our room.

"No one is going to be banging!" Max interrupted. "Can't you two go and be mad somewhere else?!"

"No," me and Tala replied simultaneously.

"Anyone notice that we missed breakfast?" Tyson said, looking thoughtful.

"Yes," Tala replied. "It's OK, I banged the dinner ladies."

"I banged them, too," I said.

Max and Tyson just stared at me and Tala as if we'd sprouted tentacles.

"I'm not letting you two into this room if you're randomly banging things. I don't know what you've taken, but you're not infecting us with it. Good day to you, sirs," Max said, and shut the door on us.

9.07

Me and Tala are still stood outside the door. I said we should make as much noise as possible so it annoys the Hell out of Tyson and Max, but Tala decided it would be better if we just stayed outside their door, really quietly, so that they don't know we're still here. Then, when they emerge, we grab them by the balls.

I hope Tala was joking about grabbing them by the balls. The only balls I grab are my own. And Tala's. When he lets me. Or when he's been naughty. Or sadistic. Or… I'll stop, shall I?

9.15

The handle is going down… The door is opening…

"SURPRISE!" me and Tala shouted at… Tyson.

"HOLY FUCK!" he shouted back, falling on the floor. "OH MY GODS! I THINK I MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOUR!"

"HOLY FUCK, TALA! WE SENT HIM INTO EARLY LABOUR! THE SEAHORSE!" I shouted at Tala.

"Kai… It's a baby…" Tala replied calmly.

"THE BABY SEAHORSE! IT'S COMING!" I shouted.

"No.. Kai. It's not a seahorse. It's a baby human," Tala explained to me.

"Oh… Yeah. I was getting excited then, sorry."

Tyson and Max stared at me.

"I thought you were going into labour?" I asked Tyson.

"I lied," he replied.

"Why, God, can't I have a normal life, with NORMAL friends?!" Max said, praying to some invisible beardy bloke. Or woman. You never know…

"Because then you wouldn't have many laughs," Tala replied, throwing his arm around Max's shoulders.

"Excuse me, Max, but that is my arm," I said.

"I think you'll find it's attached to my shoulder, therefore it's actually mine," Tala disagreed.

"Max, give me back my boyfriend," I said.

"You can HAVE him," Max replied, shoving Tala in my direction. "I didn't offer my shoulders for him to grab, y'know!"

"It looked that way to me…"

"Well it wasn't!"

"Are you sure…?"

"I am not having this conversation with you. Can you both bugger off?"

"No."

Max hung his head, and Tyson just stared at us. Tala stared at me and I stared at Tyson's bump. Do you think he would notice if I cut it off and attached it to myself? I WANT A BUMP!

"Tala, I want a bump. One with a baby in it," I said.

"Oh, God, not more pregnant men, PLEASE!" Max exclaimed, throwing himself face-first onto his bed. I think he's been traumatised by everything. Including knobs.

Lunch

12.06

"You… You are my only seahorse…" Tala sang to me.

I love Tala. I really do.

"That's so sweet," Mariam said, as I glomped Tala.

"Sickening, more like," Max disagreed.

"You're just jealous, Maxie."

"I am not. If you hadn't noticed, I have a lovely girlfriend of my own, who happens to be you, and you don't see me singing seahorse songs to you over lunch."

"Why don't you? Maybe I'd like it?"

"Do you want me to sing a seahorse song to you, then?"

"Not really."

"Well there we go then. My point is proved."

"What point?"

"I don't know."

I stared at Max and Mariam. They were having one of the most confusing conversations in the history of confusing conversations. And there's a lot of confusing conversations in the history of confus- I'll shut up.

"I WANT SEX!" Tala shouted.

We all looked at him. We being, the entire canteen.

"Well so did I, but you wouldn't do me!" I said.

"Please, guys, no sex talk at the table," Mariam said.

"Sorry," I apologised.

"Tyson, you're being very quiet," Tala said, staring at Tyson… Well, staring at the bump.

"I was inwardly humming a tune to Delilah," Tyson replied.

"Delilah?" Everyone asked.

"Yes… Delilah. If it's a girl, I'm going to call her Delilah," Tyson shrugged.

"THAT'S SO CUTE!" Mariam exclaimed.

"If it's a boy, can you name it Kai?" I asked.

"Er… No."

"WHY NOT?!"

"Because one of you is enough… I don't need my baby to be named after you if it's a boy, too. I just can't imagine two Kais running around."

I hung my head and pouted. Tala came to the rescue.

"Well that's OK. If we ever have a little boy, we won't be calling it Tyson."

"Fine by me," Tyson shrugged again, and resumed inward humming.

"WE CAN HAVE A BABY?!" I shouted. The entire canteen looked at me.

"Er…" Tala shifted about in his seat. I had him now!

"Can we start trying tonight?!" I asked excitedly.

"Kai, are you forgetting that making a baby requires some female parts?" Max asked me. "Tyson only got pregnant because he's weird and has some ovaries as well as a penis."

"Mariam… Lend me your eggs." … I don't say that every day.

"Oh, no, Kai. You are not extracting any of my eggs," Mariam said, holding her hands up to me.

"I WANT EGGS, DAMMIT!" I yelled.

"Fried, scrambled or boiled?!" one of the dinner ladies called back to me.

"FERTILISED! BY TALA!" I yelled back.

"Tala, please sit down. You're embarrassing me," Tala said. He was as red as the ace of spades. No, I don't mean that. He was as red as a tomato.

I sat down, very aware that the entire canteen was staring at me, and that the dinner ladies were now cooking me some eggs. Once again, I had managed to make a complete arse of myself in front of everyone. I blame Tyson. And his bump.

12.15

The dinner ladies have made me boiled eggs. I don't want them! Max has been muttering something about moving far away and not telling anyone where to for the past nine minutes.

Johnny's walked over. I still can't stand him, the stupid, rich, pompous twat.

"Hiwatari… I hear you've gone ga ga for children," Johnny sneered.

"Go finger yourself, Johnny," I replied. Mariam choked on her drink.

"Oooh, touchy. I doubt you're_ capable_ of reproducing," Johnny said.

"At least I get laid. Unlike you."

Yes… Tala, what DO you see in this sad excuse for a dude?"

"Why don't you go and read your little porn magazines, Johnny-no-dick?" Tala replied.

Max choked on his drink, too.

"With attitudes like yours, I don't know why Robert's bothering to invite you to the massive party we're throwing tonight."

"Massive party? With all 4 of you?" I raised my eyebrows.

"We'll pass," Tala said.

"Your loss," Johnny said.

"Not really," I said.

"Well, how about it, Max? Mariam? Tyson and bump? Brooklyn who doesn't appear to be here?"

"I'm laying off the parties until baby is born, dude," Tyson said.

"I'm expecting a call from Mariah tonight…" Mariam trailed off.

"I just don't want to come to your stupid party," Max said. "I have much better things to do."

Johnny shrugged his shoulders and walked off. Wow. We all just declined an opportunity to party! Is this a sign of our maturity?

… No.

15.30

I am chasing Tyson around his and Max's room. Max, Tala and Mariam are stood by the door watching. I want Tyson's bump, dammit!

"Give me that bump!" did I mention I was holding a knife?

"Kai, for fuck's sake, will you put that knife down?!" Tala shouted to me.

"Nooooooooo!" I shouted back.

"Kai, you're going to make me go into labour!" Tyson called behind him as he jumped from his bed to Max's.

"Good! Then I'll have the baby and you can keep the fat!" I yelled at him.

"WHO GAVE HIM DRUGS?!" Tyson yelled at Tala, Max and Mariam.

"It wasn't me, officer," Tala held his hands up.

"WILL SOMEONE GRAB HIM?!" Tyson roared.

The next thing I knew, two pairs of hands had grabbed my arms, and pulled me onto the bed, and someone else wrenched the knife from my grip. It was only a butter knife, though… Not exactly dangerous.

"What have I told you about running with sharp objects?" Tala said to me sternly.

"Sorry," I pouted.

"Sorry isn't good enough. You could've really hurt someone this time."

"Who are you, his Mother?" Max asked Tala.

"It feels like it sometimes," Tala replied with a dark look on his face.

"How can I make things better, Tally?" I pouted some more.

"With SEX, of course!" Tala replied, pouncing on me. YAY!

I could see Tyson rubbing his bump, and Max and Mariam just stood next to him. All of them were staring at us.

"HOW DOES SEX MAKE UP FOR CHASING ME ABOUT WITH A BUTTER KNIFE?!" Tyson yelled as Tala carried me off into our own room.

16.00

I am pouting. I thought me and Tala were going to have some sexytime… But now he said it'll have to wait until later, because he has emails to check. I'm all hard now! Stupid, teasing, motherfucking boyfriend…

"Tala… I want sex!" I whined.

"So do I… But it'll have to wait," Tala mumbled back from his perch in front of the laptop.

17.00

I have tried everything. I've paraded around naked (I even answered the door to Max naked, who quickly left), I've made sex noises… I even rested my penis on Tala's shoulder! And he still didn't move! He just shrugged it off as though it was a bug or something!

Right now… I am lay on my own bed (the sheets haven't been washed since we first got here, and they're still clean! Only because we always sleep in Tala's bed…), playing with myself. I'm hoping that this will get Tala's attention…

17.25

Apparently not.

17.30

I'm dressed, and about to leave. I've said to Tala that I'm going to see Max and Tyson, and he merely grunted. Maybe he's more pissed off with me about everything than I thought…

"See you later, then," I said, and opened the door.

"Oi," Tala piped up, spinning round. "Where are you going?"

"Next door to bug Tyson and Max… I did say, but you weren't listening," I said, continuing to walk out the door.

"Nooooooo you don't!" Tala said, launching himself at me, and pulling me back inside our room.

I frowned up at him as he shut the door, and pushed me onto his bed.

"Sexytime!" he announced.

I frowned some more, and pushed him away. He looked at me inquisitively.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"We were going to have sexytime ages ago, but then you turned your attention to the bloody laptop, even though I had the most painful erection, and you didn't even care!" I pouted.

"I'm sawwy," Tala mumbled, coming closer again and nuzzling my neck.

"'Sawwy' doesn't cut it," I said.

"I'll give you lots of attention now."

"I don't want it now."

"Oh, but your penis disagrees."

Betrayed by the cock!

17.36

Tala has ripped my clothes off. He's really impatient when he gets going… He's grinding his erection against mine, and moaning like there's no tomorrow.

"Hurry up," I moaned.

"Oh, shush," he replied, pushing two of his fingers inside me.

I don't know why he bothers to prepare me anymore… He could randomly shove his lovestick in me when I'm asleep, and I still wouldn't notice. Or mind.

"You're leaking," Tala pointed out, nodding to the precome dribbling out of my erection.

"Yes, and you're _hardly_ doing anything about it… Teaser," I rolled my eyes.

Tala grinned and removed his fingers. He then leant down and took my entire erection in his mouth.

"Grrrawwwaaaahhh!" I make the most interesting of sex noises…

"You make the most interesting of sex noises," Tala commented, rising from my **PENIS**. I've always wanted to write that in big, bold letters…

I just nodded, and watched as he positioned himself at my **ARSEHOLE**. I've always wanted to write that in big, bold letters, too…

"Put it in!" I complained. Sure, he can be impatient when HE wants to get off, but when it comes to MY needs… Oh no, he has to torture me by going insanely slow.

Tala raised his eyebrows, and shoved his lovestick in me, hitting my prostate head-on, and making me scream. This earned us a very loud thump from next door. Two of them, in fact. Just simultaneously.

17.40

I have decided that I can no longer write our sex scene. Though I can tell you that the sexytime is over. I am exhausted. Tala is singing the 'You Are My Only Seahorse' song to me. I would join in, but I'm too tired.

Room 101, a.k.a. Tyson and Max's room

19.05

I handed the diary to Max. Tyson has gone for a walk, so it is just me and Max. Tala went to get me food. Like, an hour ago. I got bored waiting for him and have come to Max to get my diary entry graded.

"'I am Kai Hiwatari, and I am entering you?'" Max read, looking up and raising his eyebrows at me.

"What? I've never written a diary before," I replied, shrugging.

"I can see that… Oh God… You didn't write the eggs thing in here?"

"Obviously I did."

"And- OH MY GOD! You wrote you and Tala having sex?!"

"Yeah. Don't you write you and Mariam having sex, then?"

"No. But that's mainly because I can't get my penis anywhere near her."

"Teehee… Penis…"

"You are so immature."

"I am not. See? I'm getting pounded into!"

"How did Tala not notice you writing this?"

"I made him wear a blindfold."

"Seriously?"

"Well, no… He closes his eyes, so all I have to do is make moaning noises, lie back and enjoy it, and write in the diary. Simple as."

"Simple as what?"

"… Eggs."

Max flicked back to the beginning of my diary entry, and scanned through it again.

"Well, on the whole, it's not a bad diary entry."

"YES! Do I pass, then? Am I qualified to hold my own diary, now?!"

"… Er, yeah. You get an 'A'."

"FANTESTICLES!"

"There's just one problem."

"What's that?"

Max held the diary up.

"You've written your diary entry in my diary… Not your own."

"Oh. Was I supposed to buy my own diary, then?"

"OBVIOUSLY! You're not getting mine!"

"But yours is so much more interesting to read!"

"GET YER OWN DIARY!"

"I WANT YOURS!"

19.05

"Alright, you can stop writing everything I say now, Kai. Just give me my God damned diary back."

"Sorry."

* * *

A/N: All of those that may have done a tiny little wee from laughing too much, say 'FANTESTICLES'!!

… FANTESTICLES!

LOL.

I have bad news… My Mother cancelled our internet today… Which will take effect in 5-10 days… BUT IT'S OK! WE'RE GETTING BETTER INTERNET TOMORROW! :D

It's my birthday on Thursday. -Hint Hint-. I want presents. Well, no. I don't XD I WANT REVIEWS! LOL.


	5. Someone's Stolen Your Horn!

- WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Emily's being evil again…

- A/N: I was about to say something totally unrelated to this story… But I refrained, because I just remembered that it has something to do with my other story… Yes, the one where Kai's a nut job.

On the other hand, did you guys approve of 'The Kai Chapter'? If you liked last chapter, let me know, and I'll think about letting Kai worming his way into another chapter…

Why is this author's note all about Kai?!

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 5: Someone's Stolen Your Horn!**

Monday 31st March '08

7.30 in the am

Max has regained control!! Max has the diary! Fwahahahaha! Fwah! Write your diary now, Kai!! Fwahahahaha, and mwahahahaha and also bahahahaha!

30 seconds later

HA.

7.50 in the am

We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of… OK, no we're not. We're actually walking (or waddling, in Tyson's case) to breakfast. 'We' being me, Tyson, Mariam, Kai and Tala.

I wish Kai and Tala would go away. They're getting madder and madder.

And madder.

Breakfast

7.56 in the am

Ahh, a nice healthy breakfast of… Fried eggs and bacon. OK, maybe not so healthy… We do have orange juice! Sunny D! I love this stuff!

A minute later

Kai is scribbling down in a book. It's brand new, because he's left the price tag on. I want to know how he's managed to buy a book in the space of last night, and this morning. I'm pretty sure no shops are open…

Anyway, it's apparently his diary. In fact, I'm sure it's his diary. Do you know how I know this?

It's got "Kai's diary, do not touch, open or shag, for fingers will be eaten!"

I'm not going to question it.

A minute later

Kai's so preoccupied in writing everything we're saying and doing down, that he hasn't noticed me pouring his Sunny D into my cup. Actually, he probably has. He's probably written it down:

'Max has just poured my Sunny D into his own cup… Hang on… That's my Sunny D! Shit!'

Hahahahahahahahahaaaaa…

He's not doing anything about it, though, so I'm quickly gulping it down, and now have my sights set on Tala's Sunny D.

5 minutes later

Now, it may have taken me a while to notice, but… Where the Hell is Brooklyn? I haven't seen him for hours!! Surely when your boyfriend is pregnant, you'd want to be with him all the time to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid?

Like shovel five pieces into his mouth so fast, that he's choking and that makes Tala have to get up and perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on him?

30 seconds later

Tala knows the Heimlich manoeuvre?

30 seconds later

Three of the five pieces of toast have come flying out of Tyson's mouth, and have landed on the page of Kai's diary on which he is writing. Me and Mariam are laughing so hard at the expression on Kai's face. He looks horrified.

A minute later

I can just imagine what he's scribbling down now:

'Tyson was just choking on some toast, being the voluminous whale he is, meaning that Tala has had to just leave my side for the first time in years to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre, and it's somehow turned into the wheelbarrow position… And some pieces of toast have now just landed on this page, all squished. Ewwwww.'

I should stop thinking about what Kai's writing, and write my own bloody diary.

5 minutes later

"Are you eyeing up my Sunny D?" Tala asked me.

"Nooo…" I replied in the most unconvincing voice ever, with my eyes still on his drink.

"THAT'S A LIE, MAXIE BOY!" Tala shouted at me, standing up and pointing.

We all raised our eyebrows at him. Except for Kai. Who's still writing in his diary.

Then… The most weirdest of all things happened.

Emily came over.

Emily sat down.

More precisely, Emily sat next to Mariam.

And gave her a hug.

WTF?!

A minute later

Everyone's sitting here, eyes darting back and forth, no one speaking… How many times have we been in situations like this?

"Sooo…" Emily began.

"What the Hell do you want, you life-wrecking, boyfriend-stealing, ginger, jealous little witch?" Mariam asked.

Woo! Go Mariam!

"I take offence to the ginger thing," Tala declared, pointing again.

"It wasn't aimed at you, so don't," Mariam replied.

"Is that how you're going to speak to a person who just gave you a hug out of the kindness of their heart?" Emily asked Mariam.

Mariam feigned thinking for a moment.

"Hmm… Yes."

The silence resumes, and all eyes were back on Emily. Except Kai's. Oh wait, he's actually looked up. Probably wondering why none of us are talking. He's raised his eyebrows. Well, hello, Kai! It's been a while since we saw those peepers of yours!

"Why is Emily here?" he asked.

… He's only just realised that she's here.

"Nyerrrr," Tala said in reply, and got up, and dragged Kai with him as he walked away, who was trying to scribble down what was happening.

That left me and Mariam staring at Emily… Who was staring back… And Tyson was rubbing his belly. Baby was clearly kicking again.

"Kicking again?" I asked Tyson.

"Yeah… Aiming right at the bladder, I'm hoping I won't have to run to the- no good. Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee…" and he got up and ran off in the direction of the toilets.

"Don't you think Michael's kind of cute?" Emily asked Mariam, pointing in the direction of Michael. You couldn't actually see him. He still had his face glued to Hilary's.

"Not really," Mariam said, but looked in the direction Emily was pointing anyway.

As Mariam looked away, I noticed Emily discreetly pour something into Mariam's Sunny D. She was so discreet, I thought I'd imagined it, until she smirked evilly and got up and walked away.

I was just about to warn Mariam not drink her drink when she… Drank it. All of it. I watched as Mariam put her cup back down on the table. She looked at me. Well, she wasn't falling asleep, having a heart attack, keeling over, dying, or shitting herself… So that left me to wonder what Emily had put in her cup.

"Where did Emily go?" Mariam asked looking around.

She's only just noticed that Emily isn't here?

"Somewhere… Listen, I just saw her put something in your cup when you turned to look at Michael. I went to warn you to not drink it, but then you drank it…"

Mariam raised her eyebrows at me. I raised my eyebrows back at her. She began rubbing her stomach.

"What's the matter?" I asked, watching where she was rubbing.

"I need the loo… Don't feel so good…" she muttered.

I grabbed her hand and we ran out of the canteen. I was leaving the Sunny D goodness behind for the sake of my lovely girlfriend and her upset tummy. As we turned round the corner to the dormitory section of the school, we found an Emily in our way.

"Out of the way, Emily," I said, watching her royal gingerness.

"Er, how about no?" she smirked.

"EMILY, GET OUT OF THE WAY YOU JEALOUS SLAG! I NEED TO GO AND HAVE A SHIT!" Mariam screamed.

Well… That was one way of putting it.

"Is that so? I guess the liquid laxatives worked, then…" bitchy McBitch bitch, bitch said, smirking some more.

"I knew you'd put something in Mariam's drink," I said, baring my knashers.

"Indeed I did…" Emily replied, smirking some more. If she wasn't careful, the wind would change and her face might stay that way.

"Can we stop this discussion? I REALLY need to pooooooooooo!" Mariam whined.

"Get out of the way, McBitchy bitch," I said, pushing Emily so she was near the wall. Me and Mariam ran past, and we heard Emily shouting things at us, but we didn't really care. I needed to get Mariam to a loo.

8.25 in the am

We have arrived at the door of Room 101. I said that Mariam could stink our toilet out, since Tyson does it all the time. Our toilet is used to poo. And I don't say that every day.

Actually… Something looks different about our door. I don't know what it is.

"Someone's stolen your horn!" Mariam shouted.

"Ooook. You didn't need to shout that, but I knew there was something missing," I frowned.

I opened the door and Mariam dashed inside. I can't believe someone's stolen our horn!! That was a limited edition horn! I won't be able to get another one!! Everyone loved that horn! Who would steal it…? EMILY. I bet it was her who-

Ew. There are nasty sounds coming from our toilet. Who knew Mariam was capable of producing such sounds?!

8.33 in the am

Tyson's just turned up. He's got a mark in the shape of a hand on his cheek.

"Don't say a word," he said to me.

"Was it Kai?" I asked. It was very likely that it was Kai. Kai is that sort of person.

"Nope."

OK, so maybe it wasn't Kai. Ah! Mariam's just emerged from our bathroom. She's quickly closed the door.

"I wouldn't go in there for a while," she advised us.

She sat down next to me, and held her stomach. Tyson raised his eyebrows at her, but said nothing.

"So… How come you've been slapped?" I asked Tyson. He was rubbing his own stomach. I feel quite left out… I'll rub my stomach, too.

"Brooklyn," he muttered darkly.

"ABUSE!" Mariam shouted.

She's doing a lot of shouting today. I might have to gag her.

"No, not abuse. I told him the truth."

"The truth about what?"

"Teehee… The tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth…" Mariam giggled to herself. What did Emily REALLY put in Mariam's drink?!

"About the baby."

"What baby?" I asked.

Tyson stared at me.

"Oh, I don't know. What baby did you think I could possibly be going on about, Max?"

"Ah, yeah. Sorry. Christ, you sounded like the old Kai, then."

"The fact that I don't know who the actual Father is…"

"… Do what?"

"I don't know whether Brooklyn's the Dad, or if Miguel's the Dad…"

"Does that mean you're the Mum?" Mariam giggled.

We both stared at her, but she continued to giggle.

"So… You don't know who the Dad is?" I repeated.

"Yes… I do believe that's what I said…"

Crikey.

"Crikey… Well, I'll suppose you'll know when it's born. If it's ginger, it's Brooklyn's. If it's blonde, it's Miguel's!"

Tyson stared at me.

So I stared back.

Then, without warning, the door burst open (Tyson had left it unlocked), and Kai came in, butt-naked except for a party hat.

"HONEYS! I'M HOME!"

* * *

A/N: I don't actually know if liquid laxatives exist… I just thought of that Bowling For Soup music video, and thought "laxatives".

Sunny D… Yummmm… I went into a shop last night, and saw some on the shelf! I haven't seen Sunny D for years! I used to love it… I still love it :D It reminds me of Juno, though… LOL.

The last bit with Kai wearing a party hat… Wasn't supposed to happen. It was the only way I could finish this chapter XD

Sorry this chapter is a day late :P I began writing it yesterday, and then just never got around to finishing it…

Review?


	6. I Shall Google All The Frog Porn I Want!

WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Ehh… Tyson's being a bit odd… And, erm…

A/N: I'm soooooo sorry for not updating this last Monday!! I know I've never officially said that this story will be updated every single Monday, but it just seemed to turn out that way. I try not to put a date on when stories will be updated, but sometimes I do say "oh, I'll update this again on…" and then I don't meet that date, which pisses me off as well as you, the readers. Anyhoo, yeah, I was super busy last week, and had planned to update on Friday, but that failed, too… Yeah. So I'm doing lots of updates today to make up for it :) Enjoy!

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 6: I Shall Google All The Frog Porn I Want!**

Monday 31st March '08 Continued

Biology

10.16 in the am

I left Mariam in the safety of Room 101's bathroom. I even gave her air freshener, which she accepted with raised eyebrows. I may have insulted her. Well, we don't want the entire room to reek, do we?

Today in Blodge… We are staring at a frog. It's still in it's container at the moment, because when Tala tried to take it out, it jumped at his face, and he nearly squashed it with his fist, which obviously angered Kai, the animal-loving freak. It's not a seahorse, but it's the closest thing he's seen to a seahorse and therefore loves it.

Or, he would love it, if any of us could take it out of the container thing without it leaping out our faces. I don't know why we couldn't study a dead frog. A live frog is so much harder to look at.

A minute later

Tyson's opened the container, and the frog is now leaping around the room. Why is it always us?! Everyone else's frogs are nice and calm, and they're studying the slimy green things without problems. But when it comes to us, we ALWAYS have issues!

5 minutes later

The teacher helped us catch the bloody frog, and it's now being held on the desk by Tyson.

"Does it have a penis? I want to see…" Tyson said, trying to turn the frog over.

"You sick bastard," Kai said.

"What? Surely it has a penis? It's natural to want to see other penises! The amount of times I've seen yours!"

"That's because I've been drunk and horny!"

"Still, I want to see it's penis!"

Why, why, WHY does every single conversation we have go into 'Rude' mode?!

10 minutes

Tyson just asked loudly to the teacher if frogs have penises. The poor teacher turned bright red and chose to ignore the question.

"I'm going to have to Google it…" Tyson muttered.

"You are not Googling a frog's penis, you beasty perv," Kai snapped.

"I have a laptop and I shall Google all the frog porn I want!"

"YOU DISGUSTING TWAT!"

"Mr. Hiwatari, can you please keep your voice down…" the teacher asked nervously.

Kai nodded but continued to glare at Tyson. I wonder what's got his goat today.

5 minutes later

"Tala…"

Oh God… Kai's got that tone in his voice that clearly says he wants something. Please don't let it be sex…

"Yes, my little chicken dipper?"

"Can I have a pet seahorse?"

"Where the fuck would you keep a seahorse?" Tala said, staring at his boyfriend.

"In the bath."

Tala continued to stare, so Kai stared back, and Tyson and I stared at them both. Well, actually, Tyson was staring at the frog.

"You are not having a seahorse," Tala said finally.

"Aww, but-" Kai started, pouting.

"Kaisy, how many times have we had this conversation, really?" Tala interrupted sternly.

"Loads," Kai mumbled, still pouting.

"Exactly. You will still not be allowed a seahorse, no matter how many times you ask."

Kai didn't reply, but sat there with his head hung, and his pout still clearly visible. Tyson was poking the frog in unmentionable places. He'd just better hope that Kai doesn't look up-

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THAT FROG?!" Kai exploded.

He apparently looked up…

"I'M JUST SEEING IF IT HAS A PENIS!"

"STOP TOUCHING IT!"

I'm… Just going to rest my head on the table and wait for it all to be over.

3.30 in the pm

We've retreated back to Room 101, and luckily it doesn't smell in here. Tyson and Kai have finally stopped arguing. But only just.

"Mariam?" I called out.

Maybe she was still in the bathroom? Oh wait, no. There's a lump in my bed. It's moving… It's emerging… It's Mariam!!

"You OK?" I asked, giving her a cuddle.

"Getting there," she smiled. "I haven't had to shit for a while now, so that's good."

Tyson and Kai stared at her (Tala's buggered off into town).

"Too much information," Tyson said, and collapsed on his bed, rubbing his bump.

"Brooklyn still not around?" Mariam asked.

"Nope… I saw him briefly at lunch, but he just scowled at me," Tyson sighed.

"Miguel's been staring at you a lot today, y'know," I commented.

"Yeah, probably because he heard that there's a chance he might be the squiggle's Father," Kai piped up.

The squiggle?

"What the Hell do you mean by 'the squiggle', Kai?" Tyson frowned.

"Baby," Kai replied, shrugging his shoulders. "They tend to look like little squiggles when they're inside, y'know."

We just stared at him, and chose to ignore everything he said.

"Were classes good today?" Mariam asked me.

"When are classes ever good?" I replied.

"Good point."

"Tyson did get over-enthusiastic about a frog's penis in Biology, though."

"… I won't ask."

"I wouldn't."

"Yeah, Tyson… Just remember, I'll be watching your every internet move," Kai piped up again, scowling at El Pregnanto.

Tyson scowled back and gave him the finger. Kai looked as though he was about to eat Tyson, when there was a knock at the door. How I miss that horn… We all looked at each other, and then I tutted and rolled my peepers. Clearly, I was going to have to answer the bloody door.

A minute later

Tala is there.

Tala is holding a box.

Tala has dumped a load of cat things outside his and Kai's door.

There is mewing coming from inside the box Tala is holding.

No one inside Room 101 seems to have noticed that me and Tala have been stood here for the past minute staring at each other.

Nor have they noticed the cat noises.

30 seconds later

"Max, can you please let me in?" Tala asked finally.

"TALLLLLLLLL!" Kai yelled from inside the room, and shoved me out of the way.

Tala came inside the room, with Kai badgering him about the box, what's in the box, is it a magic box, and so on and so forth.

I guess I'LL shut the door, then…

5 minutes later

Me, Mariam and Tyson are still waiting to see what's in the bloody box. Though, I know it's a cat. I mean, Tala's not going to have gotten a load of cat stuff, and then bought Kai a seahorse, is he?

Is he?!

A minute later

Tala's still lecturing Kai about how it's an animal, and that it needs love, too, and that he's got to take care of it. Jesus Christ, Tala. Kai is 17 years old. I think he knows how to look after a cat…

A minute later

Tala has finished his lecture, and Kai's launched himself at the box. He's pulled out the CUTEST little grey kitten.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Kai asked excitedly.

"A boy," Tala replied, smiling.

"I shall name him Bam," Kai said, cuddling the little kitten.

"Hey Kai… I can tell if it's a boy or girl for you," Tyson smirked.

"FUCK YOU, TYSON, YOU PERVERTED, FROG-FONDLING WEIRDO!"

* * *

A/N: And Bam makes an entrance!! I do actually have a grey cat myself… But she's female, and called Smudge XD BUT, I do have a grey rabbit, who is called Bam!

I'm sure you all know by now that I have a rabbit. If you don't, then you've clearly not been reading any of my author notes XD

My rabbit, Bam, is named after Bam Margera. Because Bam Margera is hot. A bit beardy, but hot. Bam the rabbit, though, is not hot. He's naughty. REALLY naughty.

Anyhoo, review? :)


	7. NOOOOOO! BIBBET!

- WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Max and Mariam try to get it on again… But they fail XD Oh, the death of a famous hamster…

- A/N: It's been fucking ages since I updated this. We can only blame my lack of internet… I hope I've still got 'the touch' to write this story XD Enjoy!

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 7: NOOOOOO! BIBBET!**

Wednesday 2nd April '08

Room 101

5.16 in the pm

Kai's ball of fluff is sat on my face. OK, that could sound dirty. His new little kitten is sat on my face. I have a cat's arse on my face. I am not amused. I don't know why Kai and Tala don't just MOVE into mine and Tyson's room. We have half of their bloody cat stuff in here as it is.

"Kai, can you please get your cat off my face?" I said, rather muffled.

"Teehee, he's playing," Kai giggled, but took Bam off my face anyway.

"No, he wasn't playing, he was sitting on my face! And releasing some rather unpleasant gasses," I replied.

Kai wasn't listening. He was just playing with Bam. Tyson is sat on his bed, playing with Bibbet. I'm not too sure that it's a good idea. Kitten - plus - hamster - equals so not good.

5.21 in the pm

Tyson is letting Bibbet run riot on his bed. Bam is sniffing about, and I sense a disaster approaching. I do hope it doesn't make Tyson go into early labour.

"Kai, Tyson, I don't think it's a good idea for you to both be letting your pets run around… Considering one is typically food, and the other might be hungry," I said.

Neither of them listened to me. Fine, I can't say I didn't warn them.

5.31 in the pm

Disaster has struck!

Bam finally found Bibbet, and attacked, and is now playing with Bibbet. Bam is picking Bibbet up in his mouth, and refusing to hand Bibbet over. Tyson is beside himself. Kai is telling Bam to drop Bibbet…

"Kai, Bam isn't a dog!" I said.

"I know, but he did drop the hamster," Kai replied, scooping Bam up in his arms, and leaving the bleeding hamster on the floor.

"SPEAK TO ME, BIBBET!" Tyson said, holding the little hamster in his hands.

"Dude, he can't speak," Tala said, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh, is Bibbet a boy? I've always thought he was a girl," Kai asked, stroking Bam's head.

"Nah, I'm sure he's a boy."

"DO YOU MIND! STOP DISCUSSING THE SEX OF MY HAMSTER, AND HELP ME SAVE HIM!" Tyson bawled.

"Sex? Yes, please," Kai said, only catching the one word.

5.35 in the pm

Bibbet is gone. It's actually quite sad, even though he/she is… Or was, just a hamster.

"NOOOOOO! BIBBET!" Tyson cried.

Kai actually looks quite guilty.

"I'm really sorry, Tyson," he said quietly.

Tyson sniffed and stood up.

"I'm going to bury him… Has anyone got a box?"

"I have a spare sock," Tala suggested.

"I said box, not sock," Tyson said, glaring at Tala.

"I know you said box. I don't have a box, but I do have a sock. Just the one."

"Well, I don't effing want a sock, I want a box!"

"Well, I don't have a box!"

"Then why did you open your big trap?""MY big trap?! Look in the mirror, Tyson!"

Why does everything turn into an argument? I reached under my bed, and got out a shoe box. I don't know why I have it, but I thought it might come in handy, and it has. I threw it at Tyson, and he and Tala promptly stopped shouting at each other.

5.43 in the pm

Mariam has turned up, as she and I are going out into town to eat. I don't know what we're going to eat. We'll decide when we get there. Anyway, Mariam has indeed turned up, and she's raised her eyebrows. Well, to be honest, seeing Tyson crying over his dead hamster, Tala lounging around on my bed looking really bored, and Kai stood in the middle of the room holding his new kitten and looking really sorry is quite odd. It's not something that happens every day.

Well, then again, odd things do tend to happen every day, these days.

5.46 in the pm

Tyson has gone to bury Bibbet, and Tala and Kai and buggered back off to their own room. And they've taken Bam with them. They've left the cat toys, though. How kind of them.

"Ready to go, then?" Mariam asked.

"Yes… I can't wait to get out of this madhouse for a while. They're all driving me crazy," I replied, putting my jacket on.

"They've been driving you crazy for the past four years," Mariam pointed out.

"Yes, but they weren't as bad back then… It's like they're all on acid now."

Mariam giggled, and we left.

On a random wall in town eating chips

6.15 in the pm

We were going to go to the little café, but then we smelled chips and had cravings. We were also going to go to the cinema, but they still recognise us. Damn.

"Chippy chips are the best kind of chips to have," Mariam said, staring at a chip.

"Mmm," I agreed. "Except home-made chips. Yummm…"

"Mmmm… You're so right," Mariam said.

"Do you want something to eat afterwards? Like ice cream?" I asked, shoving more chips into my mouth.

"Nah, the chips are enough. Besides, it's really cold tonight, so I just want to retreat to your bed," Mariam replied, winking.

"You never know, Kai and Tala may have kept it warm for us," I grinned.

"Just as long as they haven't been _doing_ anything in it."

"Good point."

"Come on, let's go back."

"We've only been out for like, half an hour!"

"I know, but it's really cold."

"Alright, you win."

Well, this was an exciting night out. Not.

Room 101

6.45 in the pm

We are back, and slightly warmer. Though, I can't wait to get into that bed, and, erm… Do stuff… Teehee. We've both shrugged off our jackets, and dumped them onto Tyson's bed. He still hasn't returned from burying Bibbet. Either that, or he's gone to Brooklyn's. Or Miguel's.

Me and Mariam fell onto my bed, kissing like mad, when I heard a moaning noise. I broke apart from Mariam and frowned down at her.

"Was that you?" I asked.

"No," she replied, shaking her head.

She was also frowning. At least it wasn't just me who had heard it. Otherwise I would think that I'm going mad. I got off from on top of her, and then I heard a sniggering noise. I definitely wasn't hearing things.

I looked down, and saw two pairs of beady eyes looking up at me from under Tyson's bed. One pair were blue, the other pair were violet.

Tala and Kai.

Bloody idiots.

6.47 in the pm

Tala and Kai have crawled out from under Tyson's bed, and are laughing manically. What I want to know is how they got in here, and why they're in here!

"How the Hell did you two get in here?" I asked, frowning.

"We got another key made for your door," Tala grinned, holding up a new key.

Great. Now they could let themselves in whenever they want to.

"Why are you in here?" Mariam asked.

"To scare the first person to come back in. It happened to be you two, and you both looked so confused," Kai laughed.

He is mad, and will get a slap.

"If you hadn't noticed, me and Mariam were trying to get somewhere, and you RUDELY interrupted," I said, still frowning.

"We know. We'll be going now, anyway. God knows what Bam's eating," Tala said.

A minute later

Silence. Tala and Kai have gone. Me and Mariam are trying again. Where were we? Oh yes. Kissing.

A minute later

"I'm hoooome! And Bibbet-less!" Tyson shouted, bursting through the door.

I give up.

Me and Mariam were just not meant to have sex.

"Better luck next time," Mariam mumbled.

I nodded, and gave Tyson a slap.

* * *

A/N: I'm soooooo not happy with this chapter. It's not funny at all :(

But, I can't be bothered to re-write it… I spent too much time on it, and I don't have that much time to give XD

Maybe I have lost my mojo?!?!

Maybe it'll return next chapter? I hope so, I have to write them all having an indoor barbeque.

Yes. You did read write. An INDOOR BARBEQUE.


	8. The Indoor Barbeque Party

- WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Indoor barbeque. And Max and Mariam finally get some sexytime!!

- A/N: I am going to try my damned hardest to make this chapter good and funny! I'm hoping that listening to 'The Gummy Bear Song' will help…

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 8: The Indoor Barbeque Party**

Thursday 3rd April '08

10.35 in the am

Maths

I feel… Quite mad. No, really. I feel rather bizarre today. Like… I want to jump onto this table, rip my clothes off, and shout "HALLELUJAH!"

That is how mad I feel.

A minute later

I won't jump on the table, rip my clothes off, and shout "HALLELUJAH!", though. I have more self control than that.

A minute later

Lee, however, doesn't.

I think we're psychically connected. He's jumped on the table, and ripped his clothes off, but he didn't shout "HALLELUJAH!"

A minute later

Shall I shout it?

Another minute later

The teacher is trying to persuade Lee to put his clothes back on. Tyson, Tala and Kai are laughing their heads off. No one will notice me if I stand up on this table and shout…

"HALLELUJAH!"

Everyone looked at me.

Even Lee. Who was rather busy trying to prod the teacher in the cheek with his penis a moment before.

10.45 in the am

Me and Lee have gotten a telling off, and have been sent out of the room for "disrupting the lesson". That wasn't disrupting the lesson, that was having a bit of fun! Disrupting the lesson would be putting a bomb in the teachers desk, and then gluing her chair to the floor, and putting glue on her seat so she couldn't move.

Or maybe I'm just thinking of revenge?

A minute later

Whatever it is I'm thinking of, it sounds good.

Lunch

12.05 in the pm

Ahhh, how lovely to see my girlfriend. I haven't seen her all day so far, and so I have just given her a cuddle.

30 seconds later

WHY IS IT, THAT I CAN'T ENJOY ANYTHING WITHOUT KAI AND TALA BUTTING IN?! I CAN'T EVEN CUDDLE MARIAM WITHOUT THEM SHOVING ME AWAY SO THEY CAN CUDDLE HER THEMSELVES.

They annoy me.

Sat at a table, eating

12.13 in the pm

I say 'eating', but Kai and Tala are doing that thing where they eat from each other's mouths, faces, etc. Surely that's not eating? Surely that's just weird?

"I've been thinking…" Mariam said.

Oh God.

"You don't seem to do that a lot, to be honest," Tyson said.

"How rude!" Mariam exclaimed.

Kai and Tala still haven't emerged from each other's faces.

"What were you saying?" I asked Mariam, trying to keep the conversation back on what she was originally going to say.

"I was thinking… Maybe we should throw a party?" she shrugged.

Me and Tyson stared at her. She stared back. I'd like to think that Tala and Kai spared a glance, but they probably didn't.

"Why?" Tyson asked.

"Why not?" she replied.

"But… Why?" he repeated.

"Why not?"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

This is not actually going anywhere…

Five minutes later

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Huh?"

Tala and Kai have emerged, and stumbled across Tyson's and Mariam's very annoying and unhelpful 'conversation'.

"Mariam suggested we have a party," I told Tala and Kai.

"Why?" Kai asked.

"Why not?" Mariam replied, rounding on him.

"But, why, though?" he repeated.

"Why not?"

"Jesus Christ, will you all stop it?!" I cried, finally losing the plot.

Everyone looked at me.

"We're going to have a party, because we can, and also because we seem to be the only ones left who _hasn't_ thrown a party yet!" I explained. I'm hoping this was the reason why Mariam suggested we throw a party, anyway.

"Fair enough," Tyson shrugged.

"When and where are we going to have it, though?" Tala asked, genuinely interested now that he knew that he may have a chance to get drunk again.

"I was thinking tomorrow," Mariam suggested.

"Tomorrow?" Tyson repeated.

"Yes.

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"Wh-"

"SHUT IT!"

Tyson shut up and pouted.

"Tomorrow night, then," Tala nodded. "Now, where are we going to have it?"

"Well, maybe outside, because I was thinking that we could have a barbeque, too," Mariam said.

"Have you seen the weather forecast for tomorrow? It's shit. Anyway, who says you have to have a barbeque outside?" Tala said.

"Teehee, foreskin," Kai giggled. We ignored him.

"Well, maybe you have to have a barbeque outside, because of the fact that it BURNS and gives off SMOKE and everything?" I explained.

"Yeah, and? You can control those factors if you want it indoors," Tala shrugged.

"Trust me Tala, having an indoor barbeque is a bad idea," I said.

"No it's not."

"It is - because we're all involved! If it was anyone but us, I'd say it was a good idea."

"You have a point there… Whenever we do something, it always goes wrong…"

"Exactly."

"We should still have the barbeque indoors, though."

"No!"

"Actually, I think Tala has a good idea there," Mariam said thoughtfully.

I could not believe that she was siding with the big-eyebrowed one!

"Oh yes, and WHERE exactly are we going to have this INDOOR barbeque?!" I nearly shouted. I wanted to win this battle.

"Indoor barbeque? Are you all mad?" Kai piped up, finally joining in.

"Where have you been?" Tyson raised his eyebrow.

"Right here," Kai replied, also raising his eyebrow. "Are you blind as well as pregnant?"

"Shut it."

"We'll have it in mine and Kai's room," Tala shrugged.

"WE WILL NOT!" Kai shouted. "What about Bam? And the lifetime's supply of lube! And the condoms! AND WHAT ABOUT MR. TWINKLE-TOES?!"

We all raised our eyebrows at him.

"Kai, it's a barbeque. We're not setting fire to the room. We'll move Bam, though. We'll put him in Tyson and Max's room," Tala reasoned, patting Kai's arm.

"OK," Kai smiled.

"Who's Mr. Twinkle-Toes?" Tyson asked nervously, not too sure if he actually wanted to know.

"His cuddly toy. It's a seahorse," Tala replied, nodding in Kai's direction, who was happily humming to himself.

"So, he's been going on about seahorses for months, and he's actually had a cuddly one all this time?" Mariam asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Yeah. He wants a real one," Tala frowned.

"Can we get back to planning this party," Tyson said.

"Has anyone else noticed that Tala and Kai's room is a little… Small? Just like the rest of the dorms?" I said, pointing out a valid, er, point.

"Yes, but we're not inviting many people, so it doesn't matter," Tala replied.

"Who ARE we inviting then?" Mariam asked.

"I dunno, it was you who thought of this party, so you think of the people who are coming," Tala shrugged.

"Well, us five, for sure. Brooklyn and/or Miguel, if they want to. Lee's always a laugh… Erm…" Mariam said, counting on her fingers.

"So, a grand total of maybe EIGHT people," I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, wait… Mathilda will come…" Mariam added.

"Ooooh, nine people," I rolled my eyes again.

"You don't need lots of people at a party to have a good time. You just need vodka!" Tala exclaimed.

"Party?! Ooooh, I'll come!" Michael butted in, spinning around from his table.

"You can't come. You stole my girlfriend," Tyson scowled.

"Why do you care? You're GAY!" Michael pointed out.

"I'm still holding it against you!"

A minute later

So, the grand total of people coming to this 'indoor barbeque party' is ten. Mariam asked Mathilda if she wanted to come, and she said yes. Tyson asked Lee if he wanted to come, and he responded by taking all his clothes off again. We like to think that that was his way of saying 'yes'.

Tyson has asked Miguel AND Brooklyn to come… Which I don't think is a good idea, really. Also, Brooklyn has been keeping away recently, so I half expected him to say 'no'… So why he agreed, is a mystery.

Friday 4th April '08

Tala and Kai's room

5.30 in the pm

I never want to set foot in this room ever again after tonight.

I have been given a tour of it by Kai. Most of it involved 'and here's so-and-so… Which we've had sex on many times… Oh, and here is Tala's special pen. He shoved this up my arse one day."

I think I really have been scarred for life.

I'm afraid to sit anywhere, just in case Kai yells at me "OH! ME AND TALA HAD SEX THERE EARLIER!"

You can't say they haven't Christened it…

6.30 in the pm

Well, this certainly is a jolly affair… Not. Tala and Kai are in a corner snogging each other, both holding out their bottles of vodka, which I am very tempted to take and smash over their heads. Mariam is sat on the window ledge, I'm leaning against it next to her, and we are both watching Tyson try and light this one-time-use barbeque, whilst also keeping an eye on Miguel and Brooklyn, who are giving each other evils.

Michael, Lee and Mathilda have yet to turn up.

A minute later

Michael's just turned up. He's raised his eyebrows at Tyson trying to light the barbeque.

"No one told me about an indoor barbeque," he said.

"You clearly didn't listen to the entire conversation, then," I replied.

Michael shrugged, and sat on Tala's bed.

"I wouldn't sit on that, if I were you," Mariam warned him.

"Why?"

"OOH! MICHAEL, DON'T SIT THERE!! THAT'S WHERE ME AND TALA HAVE SEX A LOT, AND YOU'RE SAT RIGHT IN THE PATCH OF DRIED CUM WHICH IS IN THE SHAPE OF A SEAHORSE!"

We can't say we didn't warn him.

6.43 in the pm

There is a knock on the door… Aaaaand, Miguel has opened it to reveal that Lee and Mathilda are here. Lee has his arms around Mathilda's shoulders, and is completely naked. Poor Mathilda is trying desperately to look anywhere but the mad, nude dude holding onto her.

"Yo, not too late, are we?" Lee asked, holding his hand up in way of a greeting.

Miguel shut the door as they walked in.

"Dude, can't you go anywhere with clothes on?" Tyson asked, glancing up, and getting a cock prodded in his eye.

"No. I prefer wearing no clothes. More comfortable," Lee replied, not apologising for the blatant rudeness of his penis poking someone in the eye.

"Not even a thong?" I asked.

"Nah, it goes right up your bum crack."

We accepted it and moved on.

"Anyone for vodka?!" Tala yelled, offering around about 5 bottles.

7.01 in the pm

I've gulped down about half a bottle of vodka, and I'm flat on my back in the middle of the room. I have just discovered that vodka is strong.

And tastes bad.

"OH MY GOD! MAX! YOUR HAIR IS IN THE BARBEQUE!"

A minute later

MY FUCKING HAIR IS SINGED! I KNEW THIS WOULD BE A FUCKING BAD IDEA!

7.16 in the pm

Oh God. Help. Lee's penis just twatted Tala round the face… So Tala has got his own out, and now their having something called 'Penis Wars'.

I'm just going to finish off this vodka, and pretend nothing is happening…

A minute later

Ahahahahaha!! Tala fell over and landed in the barbeque and burnt his bum!

8.30 in the pm

We all is very, very drunk. -Hic-. The Barbie… Burberry… The thing with -hic- fire… Has been burning for some time. Tyson eventually tried to -hic- cook some sausages -hic- but they looked deadly.

"I'm too sexy -hic- for my cock…" Lee kind of sang.

"You're all so pissed," Tyson giggled. "And I'm totally not!"

Kai and Tala have fallen -hic- asleep. So have Mathilda, Michael, Miguel -hic- and Brooklyn.

"I finks me and Maxie's should goes to beddy-byes," Mariam giggled.

I agreed, and we went -hic- 'home'.

8.45 in the pm

It'shhh, just taken usshh fifteen -hic- minutesshh to get next door and -hic- collapsshh on my bed.

"It's still - hic- really early," Mariam giggled.

"Let'sshhh do sshhommfing, then," I giggled.

10 minutes later

Tyson has just thrown a bucket of water over us for being too loud and walked back out. Admittedly, I feel a lot more sober and refreshed. I think Mariam's still drunk.

"Still want to do something?" she piped up.

"Are you sober enough to?" I giggled.

She glared at me, before launching herself at me and latching onto my face.

9.06 in the pm

Dude, totally ten minutes of kissing without air!

The next bit is being censored.

Not that Tala and Kai or anyone else censors out their sexytime… But… Uhhh…

9.30 in the pm

In your faces, Emily!! I've had sexytime with Mariam, and you haven't!

Oh, wait…

I've had sexytime, and you haven't! That's better. Admittedly, it wasn't full-on sex… But Mariam sure is good with her hands -hinthint-.

* * *

A/N: I had to go back and edit the 'indoor barbeque' bit… Because I realised that nothing had actually gone disastrously wrong…

I think I've found my mojo again :)

Review?


	9. I Want My Best Man To Be A Seahorse

- Warnings for this chapter: Can you tell I'm getting bored of writing this in capitals? Haha. Erm, let me just actually look at the plan for this chapter… Nothing too bad… But there does seem to be a lot of Kai being mad. And talking of sucking Tala off.

- A/N: I can't apologise enough for not updating this story sooner. So I'll just apologise once. I'm am indeed very sorry. With knobs. Admittedly, it's only been a month since it was last updated, and I know of stories by some other authors that don't get updated for SIX months. Or maybe longer. But a month is a month too long.

I shall try and make this chapter super long, super funny, and super random.

I watched the Top Gear special where they went to Vietnam last night, so I should have some hilariosity in me.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 9: I Want My Best Man To Be A Seahorse**

Saturday 5th April '08

11.05 in the am

Outside in the school gardens, 'chilling' with the 'gang'

I'm still feeling _very_ hungover from last night. I have no one to blame but myself. And Tala. Since it was him who supplied the vodka. The stupid, Russian, ginger knob….

"Max, did you know I can read thoughts?" Tala said.

Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no.

"Really? In that case I take back calling you a stupid, Russian, ginger knob in my head, then."

"You called me a stupid, Russian, ginger knob?"

"… You can't actually read thoughts, can you?"

"No."

"Crap."

"I do take offence to the 'ginger' bit, though. My hair isn't ginger. It's red."

"That's also known as ginger."

"Guys, can we not get into an argument about Tala's hair colour? You know how it always somehow turns into a fist fight…" Mariam piped up from where she was lay.

I can't look at Mariam without thinking about last night and what she did with those fabulous hands of hers…

… Ooooh nooooo. Stand DOWN, little man!

"Max, do you have an erection?"

"Kai, why are you looking at my crotch?"

"I'm not."

"You blatantly were, if you noticed my erection."

"It's not hard to miss, really."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Even Tala noticed it."

"No he didn't."

"I actually did."

Why are we talking about my erection? WHY?! Why can't the erection just go away, and this conversation will turn into normality again.

Well, I say 'normality', but…

11.15 in the am

We have started discussing dream weddings. Mariam is currently cooing about hers. She mentioned something about sparrows, doves, and pigeons, and then said something about the song for her first dance would be "Hard Rock Hallelujah" by Lordi…

"And everyone will come in fancy dress…" Mariam continued.

"I think you've been spending too much time with us," I said. "Go away and don't come back until you're normal again."

Mariam scowled at me, and shut up. Which was a bad thing to do, because no Tyson had launched into what would be his dream wedding.

"I will wear a dress, and the baby will be my page boy or bridesmaid, whichever gender it turns out to be… And the groom will be… Well-groomed."

We stared at him.

"When I get married…" Kai started. Oh God. I braced myself for idiocy. "… I want Tala to wear a dress. With no underwear underneath. And when I go to take the lacy thing off his leg under the dress… I will not emerge, for I shall be sucking him off."

Ooook, too much information.

"Oooh, how sexual," Tala giggled.

"And, and, and… I want my best man to be a seahorse," Kai finished.

That will be one wedding that I WON'T be going to. They can show me the video and pictures, because I'm going to refuse to go to it.

"What would your dream wedding be like, Max?" Tyson asked.

"Not like Kai's, yours or Mariam's," I replied.

"Normal, then?"

"Exactly."

12.03 in the pm

Lunch

The dinner ladies are yet again listening to 'Prince Charming'. They seem to be obsessed with that song.

Oh, wait, they've changed it.

To 'You Spin Me Around' by Dead Or Alive.

"MEATSPIN!" Kai yelled.

We all looked at him, so he sat back down and started eating his baked potato. Shrugging, we all started eating again, too, and watched the dinner ladies singing along to their funky song. I must admit, they are a barrel of laughs.

"When we get back to Room 101, we shall be listening to better music," Tyson said.

"So, none of your CDs, then?" I joked.

"Fuck you."

"Why are we going back to Room 101, anyway?"

"Because I want to find that rulebook and see how many rules I've broken."

I looked at Tyson. He looked at me. Mariam looked at us both. Kai and Tala were doing that eating-from-each-other's-faces thing again, so they weren't looking at us.

"Tyson, I think you've made that book completely pointless."

"I wonder if there's a rule saying 'men are not allowed to get pregnant'?"

"That's more a rule of life."

"Point made and taken."

12.46 in the pm

So, here we are, in Room 101, and Tyson has put on his 'better music'. Personally, things can't get much better than 'You Spin Me Around' by Dead Or Alive…

But get better it has, because Tyson has put on 'Caramelldansen' by Caramell. I love this song!! It's so addictive, and the dance is fantastic!!

Ok, excitement over.

We're now looking for that bloody rulebook.

A minute later

Though why Kai has brought Bam in to look, too, is a mystery.

A minute later

Maybe it's to make up for his lack of looking for the rulebook?

As he is still doing the 'Caramelldansen'.

A minute later

Now, the poor cat has been roped into doing the 'Caramelldansen', too.

I feel for that cat, I really do.

Five minutes later

Mariam found the rulebook. It was wedged behind the sink in the tiny bathroom. I don't know why it was there, I'm not going to ask why it was there, I'm just going to accept it and move on.

Like I have to, these days.

A minute later

'_Rule 23: Students will avoid having sexual contact with teachers._'

Hmm, I haven't broken this one. Yet. Mwahahaha.

No, I shall never break this one, as I have a girlfriend with a fantastic pair of hands.

Well, not just a fantastic pair of hands, but also a fantastic pair of-

"'_Students will behave like grown-up, mature adults, and not spanner-wielding baboons_'." Tala said.

"Are you making that up?" I asked.

"Nope," he replied, pointing to it in the book.

Wow.

So many ideas running through my head, now.

Two minutes later

"'_Students will please avoid having sexual contact with each other, and will please avoid from indecent exposure_'." Tyson read.

Lee's fucked.

Figuratively, of course.

But literally is against the rules.

Not that Tyson, Tala, Kai or I care…

A minute later

"Do you think male seahorses have testicles?"

Oh God. The obsession with seahorses has broken out once again.

* * *

A/N: OnlyNotReally may recognise meatspin… Haha.

MarianQ will have heard all about 'Caramelldansen' in the PM I sent her, because I was doing the dance at the time, and I listened to it from the point it got put in the story…

If anyone wants to see Kai and Ray doing the 'Caramelldansen', go to this link:

http: // www. youtube. com /watch?v=QnGkKReBFnI&feature=related

(But, obviously get rid of the strategically placed gaps).

I'll try and update sooner next time!

Review? I know you want to. Because you love me. And this story. :)


	10. SUPERLY EVIL MASSIVE GINGER BITCH!

- Warnings for this chapter: Emily's being super-bitch again, so Max turns super-bitch, too, and there's moaning and a-groaning going on…

- A/N: I'm watching Celebrity Big Brother… I want Verne (the little dude who played Mini-Me in 'Austin Powers') to win. He is fantastic. Fantastically tiny!

Mmm, Fruit Pastilles… :)

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 10: SUPERLY EVIL MASSIVE GINGER BITCH!**

Monday 7th April '08

7.31 in the am

Urgh.

I. Need. To. Get. Out. Of. Bed.

But I can't.

A minute later

Do you know why I can't get out of bed?

No?

It's because Mariam has shuffled to the end of the bed in her sleep, and is latched onto my legs. She has the weirdest sleeping habits. And - oh my God. My leg is wet. SHE'S DROOLING ON MY LEG!

A minute later

I just accidentally kneed her in the mouth with my… Knee. She has emerged from the other end of the bed, with the craziest bed hair I have ever seen. And I have seen some crazy bed hair in my time.

Anyway, we are now both awake and up, and my leg is slowly drying off. I actually fancy some breakfast this morning, so I'm getting dressed right away. I would go to the loo, but Mariam has stolen the bathroom.

So, to now pass some time, I am going to wake Tyson up.

7.36 in the am

Do you want to know how I am waking Tyson up?

Of course you do.

I'm about an inch away from his face, and I poking him repeatedly in the chest. His eyes are fluttering, the toilet has been flushed… Any minute now…

"FUCK A DUCK! MAX, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

Result.

"Who's fucking a duck?" Mariam asked as she walked out of the bathroom.

"BEASTIALITY!" Kai cried, bursting through the door.

"WHY DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST WALK IN WHENEVER YOU LIKE?!" Tyson shouted.

"Do you see what you've started, now?" Mariam asked me, looking at me with her stern eyes.

"Unfortunately, yes. But I'm not the one who's going to deal with it, because I am escaping into the bathroom."

And I walked off. Into the bathroom. And left them all to it. Shouting about fucking ducks.

Breakfast

8.07 in the am

Everyone seems to have gone stupidly quiet. Maybe we've finally had enough of each other being so ridiculously mad? I know I have…

"Tala, I want a tattoo," Kai said.

Oh God.

"You're not getting one."

"But I want one."

"What of?"

"A seahorse."

"Absolutely not."

"Please?"

"Y'know, it still worries me that you act more like his Mother rather than his boyfriend, Tala," Mariam said, accidentally flicking porridge at Tyson's face.

Tyson flicked a piece of toast back at Mariam.

Mariam stared at Tyson, and Tyson stared at Mariam. Then, Mariam got a large spoonful of porridge on her… Spoon, and put it in her mouth, pouring the rest of the bowl on Tyson's head.

She has officially been around us too much.

Tyson is _very_ annoyed, and has thrown his entire plate of toast at Mariam, but Mariam has ducked and - oh God. It's managed to hit the back of Emily's head.

Do you like how I'm not trying to intervene?

I might now, though, because Emily's looking a bit murderous.

In fact, she's looking _very_ murderous. She's holding a pair of scissors, making the _snipping_ motion with them. Me, Tyson and Mariam are just staring at her as she's getting closer.

I'm going to stand up and-

Oh my God! She's grabbed Mariam's ponytail and cut it off!

"YOU MOTHERFUCKING SUPERLY EVIL MASSIVE GINGER BITCH!" Mariam yelled, feeling about at her now short hair.

Emily is laughing evilly, and has walked off.

McFahrt has made her way over to us… Great. Detention here we come…

"Can you five please keep the noise down?" Head-woman walked off.

Tala and Kai look most offended, seeing as they weren't actually doling or saying anything. I'd be offended, too, if I were them.

But luckily, I'm not.

I'm me, and I'm being dragged back up to Room 101 by Mariam.

8.20 in the am

"Look at it! All short, and uneven and-"

"Yes, I can see…"

"She's such a stupid-"

"Yes, I know…"

"You're not being very sympathetic!"

I sighed as I got yelled and ranted at. What else was I supposed to do? Put my arm around Mariam, say 'there, there' and go and get her hair and glue it back on?

"It'll grow back, don't worry. And anyway, I quite like your short hair," I said.

Mariam smiled.

"Well need to go to the hairdresser in town, though. To get it at least straight," Mariam said, looking in the mirror again.

"Why do I have to come?"

"Because you're a loving, caring boyfriend who wants his girlfriend to be happy."

Translation: If you don't, I'll castrate you.

At the hairdressers in town

10.03 in the am

Here I am again, skiving off lessons to help a friend (or, girlfriend, in this case) in need. I might as well not bother coming to this school. I might as well just rent Room 101 from McFahrt, and strike a deal not to go to lessons.

The hairdresser is fascinated by Mariam's luscious blue locks.

They are having a full-on conversation about her hair, what shampoo she uses, if she uses any electricals on it, and so on.

At least I have company myself.

In the form of Brooklyn.

I know, unexpected.

A minute later

I say I have company, but Brooklyn isn't exactly saying anything. I'll start a conversation, then…

"Soooo, how come you're here?" I asked.

"Cut and blow dry, and I'm getting a back, sack and crack done."

Ooook, FAR TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

"What happened to Mariam's hair?" he asked.

"Emily happened to it."

"Ah."

He's said 'ah', but I know for a fact that he understands nothing of mine and Mariam's feud with Emily…

"May I ask a question?" I asked.

"You may."

"How come you hardly ever hang around anymore? I mean, there's a chance that Tyson's baby is yours, and… Y'know…"

"But there's a chance that it isn't mine. I don't want to get too close to Tyson and the bump if it turns out it isn't mine," Brooklyn said seriously.

Crikey.

"So, that's why you're only around occasionally?" I asked.

Brooklyn nodded.

"Max! We can go now!"

I turned to look at Mariam and-

Oh my God.

A minute later

I may have just had a little orgasm over Mariam's new hair.

Is that wrong?

Wednesday 9th April '08

Lunchtime

12.07 in the pm

Me and Mariam have waited a couple of days before we get our fabulous revenge on Emily for cutting Mariam's hair off.

That, and was also had to skive off lessons _again_ yesterday, to find the stuff we need to use on Emily as revenge.

The stuff is not a easy to come by as you might think.

And I've also got you curious as to what it is, haven't I?

Good.

12.12 in the pm

We're still waiting for the opportune moment…

A minute later

There it is!

Emily's 'friends' have left to go to the loo, and Emily is on her own. She bent down to look in her bag for something, me and Mariam walk past pretty damn close and…

… There! One slip of my wrist, and the fantestical liquid laxatives have been poured into Emily's drink. Ha, ha, and triple HA.

A minute later

Is it a good idea to lurk at the canteen door, giggling and pointing at a person who is about to be struck my laxatives any second?

No?

Damn. They'll all know it was me and Mariam, then.

Oh well.

3, 2, 1... Yup, there it is. Emily's taken a gulp of her drink. And I mean a gulp. I mean more than a gulp, actually. She's just downed the entire thing.

A minute later

Blast, bugger and damn.

Emily is on the move.

So me and Mariam are also on the move after her, to make sure those bloody laxatives kick in sometime soon.

If not, we may have to administer some more…

… And surely Emily will have noticed that me and Mariam are practically jogging to keep up with her?

30 seconds later

… Apparently not.

5 minutes later

Result! The laxatives have kicked in, and Emily has dived into the nearest girls' toilets. I have sent Mariam in there as well, to generally poke fun at Emily's misfortune.

I also had to lend Mariam my jacket, so she could put it over her nose and mouth, so she couldn't smell anything.

A minute later

Mariam is back out, coughing and spluttering.

"That was worse when I got laxative-fied!"

I raised my eyebrows.

"I couldn't really say much, because she couldn't hear me over the noise of her squeezing her guts out."

"Ok, you could've said that in a little bit of a less gross way…"

"Sorry."

Mariam handed me my jacket back as we loped off to Room 101. We'd decided that there really was no point in going to lessons for the rest of the day, since we hadn't been to any recently, anyway…

I sniffed my jacket before I put it back on.

Eww.

Friday 11th April '08

Something in the pm

I don't even know what time it is anymore… Sometime in the evening, I know that one… Me and Mariam have been in detention A LOT this week for not turning up to classes.

The thing is, Kai, Tala and Tyson all raised their eyebrows at us as though they never skive, and are the perfect students.

Which they're not.

Right now, we're all hiding out in Room 101, because Emily is on the warpath again.

A minute later

That might be because me and Mariam put laxatives in her drink, though.

A minute later

Oh well, shit happens.

Life goes on.

And then even more shit happens.

A minute later

"Kai, can you please stop poking it?"

"No. I've only just noticed how hard it is."

"It's been this hard for about 3 or 4 months."

"That's a long time for it to be hard."

"Yes, and it's going to be hard for at least another 3 months, now stop poking it!"

Of course… That is Kai and Tyson discussing how hard Tyson's belly is.

But I know that it sounded kind of sexual.

A minute later

"OH MY GOD! MY WATERS JUST BROKE!"

"OH MY GOD! THE SEAHORSE! IT'S COMING!"

"TYSON'S HAVING HIS BABY?! NOW?! BUT HE CAAAAAN'T!"

"KAI! LET GO OF MY ARSE!"

Who said what? I don't know. All hell has broken loose, because Tyson is apparently going into labour.

He can't go into labour now! It's too early!

"Get me to the hospital!"

"SAVE THE SEAHORSE!"

"WAIT!" I shouted.

Everyone looked at me.

"Tyson, the wet patch is near your penis. Not your arse. And there is only a little bit of it."

We all looked at Tyson's supposedly 'broken waters'.

"But I had a pain and everything!"

_Prrp_.

"No, Tyson, you have what is known as gas. And you wet yourself."

"Teehee, he needs incontinence knickers," Kai giggled.

Tyson pouted.

Later on at something like 10.08 in the pm or something…

"I still can't believe that baby kicked my bladder, I wet myself, and farted and thought I was going into labour."

"You got Kai all excited, you know," I said to Tyson, not looking up from the issue of _heat_ magazine I was reading.

"I know. I'll have to apologise to him tomorrow or something…" Tyson said, drifting off into sleep.

…

But not for long.

"AH! Tala! Harder!"

"Kai, shh!"

I would like to point out that Tala and Kai are next door in their own room.

And yet, we can still hear everything.

"Fucking horny bastards," Tyson growled, slamming his fist against the wall.

There was a thud from the other side.

"We heard that you faking twat!"

* * *

A/N: I got bored towards the end, lmao.

Yummm, I'm watching some proper yaoi :P

'Sensitive Pornograph'… Fucking fantastic yaoi…

Review, because you love to do so…


	11. They'll Find Us And Eat Our Livers

- Warnings: Oh, the sheer randomosity of it all…

- A/N: Teehee.

PKW: I'm thinking of a soooooong.

Kai: Oh God.

PKW: If you were gay…

Kai: I'm not gay!

PKW: … That'd be OK… Because I'd still love you aaaaanyway!

Kai: You're not listening… I'm. Not. Gay.

PKW: Oh all right. If you insist. Here's Tala to fuck!

Tala: Howdy.

Kai: I'M NOT GAY!

XD

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 11: They'll Find Us And Eat Our Livers**

Saturday 12th April '08

11.23 in the am

I am extremely bored.

No, scrap that.

I'm BEYOND extremely bored. I'm so beyond bored, that even my boredom is bored!

A minute later

"I have an idea," Kai piped up from where he was lay - under Tyson's bed.

Oh God. Please, no. I might be bored, but I really can't stand any madness from him today.

"If it involves fire, seahorses, babies, or knives, then you can forget it," Tyson replied, not looking up from his latest _Mother And Baby_ magazine.

Kai didn't reply.

Meaning that his idea contained one of what Tyson had said.

Or maybe all four.

"I have an idea myself," Tala also piped up from where he was lay - under my bed…

"If it involves orgies, then no," Tyson again replied, still not looking up from his magazine.

Tala didn't voice his idea.

I think Tyson's on a roll, today!

Quite literally, actually. He just tried to get off his bed, mumbling something about nipping to the loo, and he only succeeded in rolling off his bed onto the floor, where he was caught in the clutches of Tala and Kai - the Tickle Brothers.

A minute later

Referring to Kai and Tala as the Tickle Brothers gives off that smell of incest.

Not that incest has a smell.

Or, it might do. I wouldn't know, though.

5 minutes later

My phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered. Tala and Kai turned their attention to me (Tyson finally got to the bathroom, and they've come out of their 'hiding places').

"Max?"

"Again, no. It's the Pope." I don't know why people go 'Max?' when I answer my phone… Who else are they expecting to answer my phone…?

"Is it?"

"No. It's something called sarcasm."

"Are you not human then? Anyway, nice to speak to you sarcasm, but I just wanted to let you know-"

"Can I interrupt you and ask a question?" I asked.

"No."

"I'm going to anyway. Who the Hell is this?"

…

It all went quiet at the other end. I ask a valid question, because the dude on the other end of the line didn't state who he was. I put it on speaker phone so I could get Tala and Kai to 'help' if things started to get a bit mad…

"I'm a seahorse."

Wrong thing for the person to say.

"A SEAHORSE?! WOOOOOOWWWWWW!!! DO YOU HAVE A TAIL, AND DO YOU HAVE BABIES, AND CAN YOU BE MY PET?!" Kai yelled at the phone.

"Kai, calm down!" Tala shouted.

"Yup, they're there," the voice said, and the line went dead.

We all looked at each other.

A minute later

Poor Tyson has just walked out of the bathroom to find Tala and Kai looking at each other nervously, and me looking at them with my eyebrows raised. He has now raised his own eyebrows.

"What's going on…?" Tyson asked suspiciously.

"Maxie received a phone call… From a seahorse," Kai explained.

Tala smacked his forehead.

"No, Kai, it wasn't really a seahorse. It was Spencer… And I'm gathering that he was taking to Bryan just before he put the phone down."

We all looked at Tala in surprise. Even Kai.

"Bryan and Spencer… Haven't heard much from them, recently," Tyson said.

"No, that's because they managed to escape and stay in town," Tala said.

"We need to get in the vents," Kai said seriously.

Me and Tyson stared at him.

"You're right, my seahorse-loving, crazy, sex-obsessed, well-hung boyfriend," Tala agreed.

What?!

"You two," Tala said, pointing at me and Tyson, "get in that vent, now."

He pointed to the one above Tyson's bed.

"Er, hello? I'm a bit pregnant," Tyson pointed out, pointing at his bump.

"We'll squash you in."

Me and Tyson continued to watch Kai and Tala, as they broke their way into the vent. Once they had the cover off, Tala helpfully shoved Kai up there. Personally, I think he just wanted to grope Kai's arse a lot.

"Tell me, why are we doing this?" I asked, as Tala shoved me in the vent.

"Because they'll find us and eat our livers," Kai said, shuffling along the vent, making room for me to shuffle up.

"By 'they', I suppose you mean Bryan and Spencer," Tyson said.

Tala was clearly having trouble getting Tyson in the vent, as there was a lot of moaning and groaning going on back in the room.

"Indeed," Kai said. "If you remember rightly, they tried to split me and Tala up. Then they gave up on that idea, and moved into town. Ever since, they've been sending us signs that they're going to kidnap us and take us back to Russia where we belong."

I was slightly shocked.

Kai had said something normal and not involving seahorses!

And also, Tyson is now in vent - but stuck.

2 minutes later

With a bit of heaving and shoving, Tala has managed to make Tyson move, and is in the vent himself now. I feel like such a prat, scuttling along the vents with 3 very mad friends, one of whom is pregnant.

What if Mariam catches me!

It's unlikely, though, since she's gone into town with Mathilda. If you were wondering where she's gone to… Haha.

12.15 in the pm

"We're going to miss lunch!" Tyson complained as we were still scuttling through the vents.

"It's alright, it means you can lose weight," Tala said from behind him.

"I'm not fat! I'm pregnant! And baby is hungry!"

"Stop complaining and keep moving. I don't particularly like having your arse stuck in my face."

12.35 in the pm

I'm beginning to feel very claustrophobic. Tyson's stopped complaining about missing lunch, but he's cursing under his breath, and Tala doesn't seem to be saying much other than, 'yeah… Hmm… Ok…' every time we pass over a grill along the vent.

Kai, on the other hand, is having a whale of a time. He's singing and everything. Which is not a good idea, as we are in the vents, above everyone's heads.

They will think that we've officially gone mad.

"WE'VE GOT BOOBS!" Kai shouted to us all behind him.

What?!

"Boobs?!" Tala shouted back.

"Yeah! Boobs! Emily's stripping!" Kai shouted back.

Oh God no. He's over a grill, isn't he?! A grill that just happens to be looking down into Emily's dorm! Nooooo!

"Keep moving, Kai!" I say, pushing Kai's voluminous purple bottom.

"Oi, I can see that, Max! Stop touching Kai's arse!" Tala shouts to me.

As I pass over the grill, I can see Emily looking up at the vent, and frowning… She's opening her mouth, opening her door and…

"HELP! THERE'S A BUNCH OF PERVERTS GOING THROUGH THE VENTS!"

Oh fucking fantastic. If Kai had kept his big mouth shut, we might not have been caught.

12.45 in the pm

We've ran - well, crawled - through the vents as fast as we could. We've now stopped over one that just happens to be looking down into McFahrt's room. Tala has gagged Kai by shoving his underwear into Kai's mouth (Tala explained when he ripped them out of his trousers that they had Velcro on them…), and Kai is now happily chewing and slobbering on Tala's pants. Quite disgusting, really.

"Look how saggy they are," Tala said, as he, Tyson and I all stared down at McFahrt (this grill just so happened to be at one where it's in the middle of three passageways - Kai's sat behind Tala, still slobbering).

"That is why I do not like women," Tyson said.

"Not all boobs are like that," I reasoned.

"Yeah, but they get like that eventually," Tyson replied.

"Surely boobs shouldn't be that saggy, though? Hers practically reach her knees!" Tala said.

"Ok, this is beginning to freak me out. There is just something not right about staring down at your Headmistress' saggy breasts," I said.

The other two agreed, and we moved on.

In the school gardens

1.03 in the pm

Air! Space! No Kai's arse in my face!

I don't know WHY we went through all those vents… Just to go outside and lie down under a tree. I just think that Kai and Tala wanted to play 'Mission Impossible'.

"We found you."

Me, Tyson, Kai and Tala turned around to see… Bryan and Spencer. OHMIGOD! Tala gave a little 'eek', and hid behind me.

"You two, with us, to Russia, now," Bryan said sternly.

"Nooooo! I don't wanna go!!" Kai bawled, actually crying.

Once Kai had started crying, that was it, Tala started crying, too. Me and Tyson just watched on with raised eyebrows, as Bryan and Spencer watched them with raised eyebrows.

"How did you find us?" Tyson asked.

"You're not that difficult to spot, to be honest," Spencer shrugged.

I looked at Tyson and his bump. Spencer had a point.

"We just knew that Tala and Kai would think about escaping to the outdoors by going through all the vents," Bryan explained. "So I got Spencer to draw up a map of the route you'd take through the vents," at this, Spencer whipped out a board from nowhere, detailing the _exact_ route we took, "and where you were going to end up exactly." Spencer pointed to a tree drawn on the board.

I have to say it. They are two crazy mother fuckers. And fucking psychic, by the looks of things.

"PLEASE, BRYAN! DON'T MAKE US GO BAAACK!" Tala bawled, crawling along, and latching himself onto Bryan's leg.

"PLEASE, SPENCER!" Kai joined in, and latched onto Spencer's leg.

"On two conditions," Bryan smirked.

"Anything," Tala said, he and Kai jumping up, and all their crying stopped.

"One, you let us in on your crazy shenanigans…" Bryan said.

Oh God… Not more crazy Russians. Please, no.

"Sure!" Tala agreed brightly.

"What's the other one?" Kai asked.

"Tyson has to name his baby after me," Bryan said simply.

"NOT A CHANCE IN HELL!" Tyson roared, rubbing his bump. Tala and Kai promptly zoomed over, and started rubbing his bump, too, and sniffling.

"Please Tyson… We dun wanna go back," Tala said, pouting.

"Middle name. Not first name," Tyson said glaring at Bryan, and Tala and Kai immediately started wooping about, cheering.

"What if it's a girl," I said, pointing out a valid point.

"Bryanetta," Bryan said.

Help.

* * *

A/N: LOL.

The next chapter… Will be a bit of an odd one. They have to do a 'choir'-like thing… But, er… You can probably tell that it won't exactly be normal…

On another note: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEWS! We finally reached over 100 :D 200, here we come!

Finally, there's a new poll up on my profile. If you have the time, please go and vote :D

Reviews? XD


	12. I'm Not Okay

- Warnings for this chapter: The usual…

- A/N: Right, this is going to get complicated XD I'm going to do a summary of this chapter: they get asked to form mini-choirs, but our loveable group get all confused and pick a very wrong song that is far from choir-like. XD

Also, it's going to be in script-form for part of this chapter… But I'm sure it'll be OK

XD

And because I'm so gosh-darn nice… You're getting this chapter THREE WHOLE days early!

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 12: I'm Not Okay**

Sunday 13th April '08

8.15 in the am

This is so UNFAIR.

McFahrt set off all the fire alarms this morning, got everyone's sorry arses out of bed, made is shiver in the fucking cold, got us back indoors in the assembly hall, at a ridiculous time of morning on a Sunday, JUST to tell us that we're all going to be having a competition.

A choir competition.

WHAT SORT OF SICK INDIVIDUAL IS SHE?!

"What sort of sick individual is she?!" I moaned to the rest of the table in the canteen.

The rest of the table being Mariam, Tyson, Tala, Kai, Bryan and Spencer.

"Yes, Max… We're all tired, and annoyed at what McFahrt has done and announced… But keep it down… I'm still recovering from last night's overindulgence of vodka," Bryan said, holding his head.

Apparently, the return of Bryan and Spencer had called for a mini-party, I.E. Bryan, Spencer and Tala all getting very drunk.

"Guys, we need to think what song we're going to do for this choir contest thing," Mariam said, slurping on some of her cereal.

"What makes you think that us four are doing it with you three?" Bryan asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Because we usually do mad shit with them," Tala replied, drinking his coffee.

"Not anymore."

"I beg to differ. We are. It'll be funny."

"Tala…"

"Don't argue with me Bryan."

Wow. So Tala does have some normality in him after all!

"Can we sing the 'You Are My Only Seahorse' song?" Kai asked.

We all stared at him.

"I'm pretty sure we're supposed to sing a religious song…" Mariam said.

"Fuck that bullshit," Bryan said. He didn't carry on with his sentence, and it left us all wondering if what he said actually made any sense…

"Then we shall do a fantestical song, a song no other group will do…" I trailed off.

We all sat, slurping our drinks, and thinking.

"I've got it," Spencer said, somewhat enthusiastically.

About to take the stage

4.30 in the pm

"Will choir group… 'We Love Seahorses'… Please take the stage," McFahrt called out.

I don't know why we let Kai name out choir group. I said it was a bad idea, Tyson said it was a bad idea, Mariam said it was a bad idea, Spencer said it was a bad idea… Bryan said 'fuck off', which is his way of saying it was a bad idea… But nooo… Tala insisted that we let Kai name the stupid group.

'We Love Seahorses'…

Honestly.

A minute later

We are on the stage… We are taking a deep breath, though I don't know why all of us are doing it - as Mariam's the first one to sing…

And off we go!

Mariam: Well if you wanted **sexytime**, that's all you had to say.

Max: I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.

Tala: For all the **saucy** looks,

Kai: The photographs your **seahorse** took,

Tyson: Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

Spencer: I'm not okay

Bryan: I'm not okay

Spencer: I'm not okay

Bryan: You wear me out

Mariam: What will it take to show you that it's not the **sex** it seems?

Spencer: (I'm not okay)

Max: I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means

Spencer: (I'm not okay)

Bryan: To be a joke and look, another line without a hook

Tyson: I held you close as we both shook, for the last time **have** a good hard **fuck**!

Spencer: I'm not okay

Bryan: I'm not okay

Spencer: I'm not okay

Bryan: You wear me out

Tala: **Enjoy** **all** the **saucy** looks

Kai: The photographs your **seahorse **took

Max: You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed

Spencer: I'm okay

Bryan: I'm okay!

Spencer: I'm okay, now

Bryan: (I'm okay, now)

Mariam: But you really need to listen to me

Max: Because I'm telling you the truth

Tyson: I mean this, I'm okay!

Tala: (Trust Me)

Spencer: I'm not okay

Bryan: I'm not okay

Spencer: Well, I'm not okay

Bryan: I'm not o-fucking-kay

Spencer: I'm not okay

Bryan: I'm not okay

Kai: **Seahorse**!

5 minutes later

The rest of the school and McFahrt and all the teachers are staring at us with their mouths hanging open. I'd like to think that that's a sign that they're extremely impressed.

That's what I'd like to think…

"What the HELL did you call that?!" McFahrt yelled at us, completely blowing her top and looking like a _very_ angry mushroom.

"Our song," Tyson shrugged.

"IT'S A CHOIR CONTEST! TO SING RELIGIOUS SONGS! SO YOU CAN BE PART OF THE LOCAL CHURCH'S TEAM IN THE NATIONAL CHOIR COMPETITION!" McFahrt yelled at us.

"Oooh, is that was it was for? If we'd have known that, we wouldn't have even bothered taking part," Tyson said, and we all trooped off stage and ran up to our respective dorms to avoid getting a beating from the angry mushroom.

All cramped in Room 101

10 minutes later

"I think it was Kai's seahorse parts that made us lose…" Bryan said.

"Stop blaming Kai," Tala frowned.

"Personally, I think we're all to blame," I said. Everyone looked at me. "I mean, if we weren't so mad and entertaining…" I continued.

Everyone continued to look at me, before nodding and saying that I was completely right. Yet again.

* * *

A/N: XD

I had a teacher at school who looked like an angry mushroom when she was shouting… Lol.

All of the words that I've changed in the song, are all put in bold, lol!

Review?


	13. His Lemur Ways

- Warnings: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

- A/N: If you haven't done so already, I urge you with the urgiest urge that you vote on my poll :)

'Urgiest isn't actually a word.

It was a year on Sunday that I've been on this site :O However, I didn't start writing stories until… March, I think it was XD

Dramatic lemurs are mentioned in this chapter. If you've never had the pleasure and hilariousnosity of seeing a dramatic lemur, then I suggest you find them on YouTube.

Anyhoo… Let the randomness take over :D

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 13: His Lemur Ways**

Monday 14th April '08

Blodge

10.15 in the am

This is ridiculous.

A minute later

Do you know why this is ridiculous?

A minute later

Of course you don't. That's why I shall let you in on the ridiculousnosity.

Bryan and Spencer have joined us for this class.

I think they're stalking us.

Well, no. I think they're stalking Tala and Kai.

I think Bryan's in love with Tala. But won't admit it.

Back to the ridiculousnosityness.

Bryan and Kai have having an _intense_ staring competition.

A minute later

It's like watching two dramatic lemurs having a competition to see who's more dramatic.

A minute later

Not that I've ever seen two dramatic lemurs having a competition to see who's more dramatic.

A minute later

I'd imagine it to be something like this, though.

A minute later

On the other hand, Bryan has distracted Kai with his lemur ways, which can only be a good thing. It leaves me, Tyson, Tala and Spencer to dissect this mouse in peace, without Kai squealing at us every 23 seconds.

5 minutes later

"I might be not blinking and staring intently at Bryan, but don't think I'm not watching you _destroy_ that mouse, fuckers."

HOW CAN HE BE WATCHING US?!

Does he have an extra pair of eyes on his ears or something?!

10.30 in the am

"Tala, do you and Kai go bareback?" Tyson asked, and Tala accidentally cut the poor, dead mouse's right front paw off.

Here we go again… Sex talk.

"All the time," Tala replied, casually. "Kai enjoys the feeling of me cumm-"

"ALRIGHT! STOP RIGHT THERE!" I yell. I cannot stand this sort of conversation from them. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't them talking about it.

"I do," Kai agreed. Clearly he also knew where Tala was going with his sentence.

He hasn't taken his eyes off Bryan, though.

How are they not blinking?!

Lunch

12.04 in the pm

I don't know what concoction the dinner ladies have given us today, but it looks lethal. I don't think they actually know what they make… They just sing and dance around, and add a mixture of ingredients to a pot and then call it 'dinner'.

I don't call this dinner.

I call it 'Something That Looks As Though It's Come Out Of Tyson's Arse'.

Quite horrific.

12.15 in the pm

I'm slurping on some ice cream. I've refused to eat the original 'dinner' they gave us. And because the dinner ladies love me so, they kindly gave me ice cream.

I'm trying to ignore the blatant cat hairs I keep finding in it.

A minute later

Just as I was inspecting another spoonful of ice cream, guess who came and sat down next to Tyson, holding a box?

Miguel.

A minute later

Guess who just sat down between me and Tyson, glaring daggers at Miguel who was on the other side of Tyson?

Brooklyn.

Me and Mariam have just glanced at each other nervously, because this cannot end well.

Tala and Kai have noticed nothing. They're glued to each other's face.

Which wouldn't surprise me - anything could be in that 'dinner' they're 'eating'.

Bryan is watching Tala and Kai with his lemur eyes, and Spencer is looking at the Brooklyn-Tyson-Miguel situation with mild interest.

A minute later

"I came to give you this," Miguel said to Tyson, holding out the box he was, er, holding.

"Aww, cheers," Tyson said, chuffed.

He opened the lid of the box, and inside… Was a new little hamster. The first thing we all noticed was that he had oddly-coloured eyes. One was red, and the other was black.

"I got him because he reminded me of you - a bit odd," Miguel said, his elbow resting on the table, and his face propped on his hand. He was smiling.

Brooklyn wasn't.

"That's so sweet!" Mariam squealed, getting up and leaning over Tyson's shoulder. She stuck her hand in the box, and stroked Tyson's new pet. "Max, why don't you ever buy me things?"

"Do you honestly want a hamster?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"No… But I'd love a whale."

"You're not funny."

"Jeffers," Spencer said.

We all (except Tala, Kai and Bryan) looked at him.

"You should name him Jeffers," Spencer explained.

"Yeah!" Tyson said, getting all excited. "Who's the cutest hamster ever, Jeffers? Yoouuu arrre."

"What about Bibbet?" Brooklyn scowled.

"Bibbet was cute at the time, but look at Jeffers! Isn't he amazing?!" Tyson cooed.

"YOU! GRANGER! IS THAT A HAMSTER I SEE IN YOUR HANDS?!"

Oh God.

McFahrt's seen it.

5 minutes later

We've had to sit here and wait whilst she made her way over to us. To be fair, the canteen tables are kind of squished together, and she is not a small lady.

She is growing the most fantastic moustache, though.

"Tyson Granger, I've told you about pets in school before!" McFahrt put her hands on her hips, trying to look stern and angry, but only succeeding in looking like a very fat, moustached mushroom.

"Never stopped me before, though, has it, Mrs Saggy-Breasts?" Tyson replied.

"I should have you expelled! For cheek, constant breaking of the rules, and, and… BEING PREGNANT!" McFahrt yelled.

"Well, I should have you fired for being fat and having a moustache!" Tyson yelled back.

The dinner ladies were cheering him on.

If they're not careful, THEY'LL be the ones being fired.

"Well I never!" McFahrt said, seriously looking as though her head was about explode from redness.

"Well I did!"

"Excuse me, Mrs. McFahrt…" Bryan addressed our beloved head, getting up and zooming right into her face. "Have you ever had the pleasure of seeing a dramatic lemur?"

"Well, I, erm… Mr. Kuznetsov… You're far too close…" McFahrt stuttered, going even redder.

"Dramatic lemurs… Look something like this," and he did his dramatic lemur eyes.

McFahrt has waddled off, muttering that she'll abandon the 'no pets' rule, as long as they're kept in the dorms.

"Care to take this outside?" Brooklyn scowled at Miguel.

"Care to take _what_ outside?" Miguel scowled back.

"This," Brooklyn replied, and twatted Miguel in the face!

Well, Miguel obviously wasn't going to stand for that, so he punched Brooklyn in the face in return. Of course, this got the entire canteen (including the dinner ladies) chanting, "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

5 minutes later

Everyone has ran outside, and are watching Brooklyn and Miguel fighting. Tyson and Tala are trying to stop them, but to no avail. Kai is happily cheering them on with the rest of the school, whilst holding Jeffers for Tyson.

Bryan and Spencer are watching on with raised eyebrows.

I think Bryan should get in the middle and do his dramatic lemur look. That'd stop them.

"Max, shouldn't we help?" Mariam asked.

"No. You should never interfere with a gay fight," I said wisely.

She nodded, but we both know that we have no idea what I'm on about.

"Mariam, how are you enjoying your new short hair?" someone slimy said, sliming up to Mariam.

"If your hair wasn't so short already, I'd cut yours off in retaliation. But I have more maturiosity than that, so I won't," Mariam scowled at the evil, slimy thing stood next to her.

"I dislike you with a passion, Mariam," El-Slimio said.

"Oh yeah? Well I dislike your FACE with a passion," Mariam replied, baring her teeth and looking like a mad dog with rabies. Not that I'll ever admit that she looked like that to her face…

"I can't STAND you!" Miss Slime roared, and launched herself at Mariam.

As Emily tackled Mariam to the ground, they knocked me over in the process, because I just happened to be in the way.

So there they are, trying to tear each other's hair out, and poke each other in the eyes whilst LAY on top of ME! Of course, I can't stop them, because they're on top of me!

I shall not admit that I am getting slightly turned on by two girls writhing around on top of me in a fight.

A minute later

"Spencer!" I yelled. He looked at me, disinterest all over his face. "Get these mad women off of me!"

He saluted (why?) and walked over. He pulled Emily off of Mariam, and held her in the air. Her arms and legs were still waving all over the place, and she was flashing her knickers to the entire school. Not a pretty sight, really.

Mariam sat up off of me, but in between my legs. I also sat up, and wrapped my arms around her waist, and leaning my chin on her shoulder. She was still staring daggers at Emily, who Spencer was carrying off back towards the school.

"Max?" Mariam asked, turning her head around to look at me.

"Yes?"

"Why do you have an erection?"

"Ah…"

Mariam raised her eyebrows at me, and we both stood up. Brooklyn and Miguel had finally been separated. Tala was holding onto Miguel, and Bryan was holding onto Brooklyn (he was also doing his lemur look into Brooklyn's face - Brooklyn looks absolutely terrified of the nutter holding onto him. I would be, too…). Tyson is stood between them, holding his arms out. Doing that makes his bump look even larger.

"What the fuck do you two think you're doing?!" Tyson yelled.

"He started it," Miguel growled. I have to say, Tala is not holding him very hard…

"No, mate. YOU started it, by buying my boyfriend a fucking hamster," Brooklyn disagreed, keeping an eye on the lemur holding him, and sounding very English.

"Tala…" Kai said, waddling up to his boyfriend, and looking in the box at Jeffers. "Can you buy me a hamster?"

"Will you fuck off, you animal-loving freak!" Brooklyn shouted at Kai.

Ok, I'm trying to stay neutral, and not take sides here, but even I think that was uncalled for…

"Don't you have a go at my boyfriend!" Tala yelled at Brooklyn. Kai's eyes were welling up with tears…

"You can stay out of it, too, eyebrows!" Brooklyn shouted at Tala.

Oh God.

They've been mentioned.

"Miguel, go and fuck him up for me. I have a boyfriend to cheer up," Tala said, releasing Miguel, who promptly jumped on Brooklyn, punching him in the face again.

"Oh for God's sake!" Tyson shouted, having had enough, and stormed back off up to the school, with Tala and Kai (and Jeffers) in tow.

Me and Mariam followed, giving Miguel and Brooklyn a spare glance as we left. Bryan pouted, noticing that no one was taking any notice of his dramatic lemur eyes, and he also followed us.

Room 101

7.25 in the pm

We're all cramped in mine and Tyson's room again. Kai's brought Bam in here, too, and Tyson is keeping Jeffers in Bibbet's old cage. I think he learnt his lesson when Bam brutally murdered Bibbet.

"I can't believe Brooklyn picked a fight with Miguel, just because he bought me another hamster!" Tyson said.

He was still so pissed off, that I could see the steam still coming out of his ears.

"Did anyone notice how Emily just randomly picked a fight with me?!" Mariam said, also looking very annoyed.

"Yes," Bryan said.

"It gave Max an erection," Kai giggled.

"How the Hell do you know I got a stiffy?!" I asked Kai.

"I have erection radar," Kai nodded.

"Erect penises aside… Spencer, what did you do with Emily?" I asked the tall, blonde, very quiet dude sat in the corner playing with Bam.

"I killed her and ate her liver," he said monotonously.

We all raised our eyebrows.

"Well, no. I didn't. I locked her in the caretaker's cupboard."

We all rolled our eyes.

"Wait until I see Brooklyn. I'm going to give him the biggest bitch slap, EVER!" Tyson said, returning to his annoyed look.

"My erection radar is tingling," Kai piped up.

We all looked at him.

"The thought of slapping Brooklyn is turning Tyson on," he explained.

We all looked at Tyson's crotch.

Lo and behold: there was a tent.

* * *

A/N: Okay, okay. I failed. I did try to finish this yesterday, but last night I got a bit distracted… By a conversation about hairy backs and happy nipples -cough-

But, I'm only a day late, so don't eat me.

No more updates until Friday - I've got that dratted Theory Test on Thursday, and now I'm putting all my energy into reading some books for it -_-'

Hopefully I'll be able to update 'Crying Blood' on Friday… Hmmm…

The hamster Miguel gave Tyson is based on my own hamster - he has one red and one black eye! He's not called Jeffers, though. He's called Mikey XD

Next chapter of this… Things go slightly downhill for Kai and Tala :(

O.O

That's my dramatic lemur look XD


	14. I Don’t Want A Fish, I Want Tala

- Warnings: Vacuum cleaners not being used in an appropriate way… Sadness for a happy couple.

- A/N: I really need to update that other story I've got on the go… And do numerous oneshots. GAH!

Good news is, I passed my theory driving test last week :)

Enjoy.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 14: I Don't Want A Fish. I Want Tala.**

Tuesday 15th April '08

Child Development

9.30 in the am

You know when it's one of those days, when you just have a feeling that _everything_ is going to go terribly wrong? I'm having one of them.

Seriously. I just have a _feeling_. A bad one.

And it has nothing to do with the mad Child Development teacher dumping baby dolls on us. Y'know the ones. The ones that cry if you don't change their nappy, 'feed' them, put them to sleep, hold them in a certain way, etc.

Well, it might have something to do with that.

But I have a bigger feeling that has nothing to do with the babies.

Although, mine will not stop crying.

A minute later

"Hey dude," Tyson spoke to me, rocking his baby. It's asleep. Or, it would be asleep, if it was real.

"What?" I replied, finally snapping, and shaking the baby I was holding.

"Don't shake it!" Mariam reprimanded me, rocking her own baby, which was also 'asleep'.

"It won't shut up!" I hissed.

"Sing it the seahorse song," Kai suggested. Even his was 'asleep'.

WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!

"I've just realised, before everyone rudely interrupted me, that this is fantastic practice for when I actually have my baby," Tyson said.

We all looked at him.

"You only realise this now?" Tala asked, raising his eyebrows, and trying to stem the flow of pee erupting from his baby.

"Well, yeah. Sometimes I forget I'm pregnant. I'm quickly reminded by the constant need to pee, and the kicking, though," Tyson said.

We stared at his bump.

How can he forget he's pregnant with THAT thing?!

2 minutes later

"I don't like it," Bryan said, staring down at the screaming baby he's plonked on the table.

"I quite like it," Spencer said, rocking his own baby.

You have no idea how funny it is to see them with babies.

"Ilaiiichie aLOORRAA!" Kai roared.

We stared at him.

"Tala, translation please?" I said.

"Kai said 'I like it A LOT'," Tala replied.

Great. Kai's developed a language that only he and Tala can understand.

"Again, I don't like it. Please remove it from my person," Bryan said, scowling.

"Ahh, but this way, Bryan, you get an understanding of what it would be like to have a baby," I said, trying to sound like the teacher.

"I never want children, so what's the point of me doing this?"

"Just in case you do happen to have a child," I shrugged at Bryan.

Spencer shrugged at me.

I don't know why.

Let's not question it.

"I won't be having any children, though," Bryan said, glaring at me.

"Well, just in case you do. Just in case you fuck someone-"

"I don't do fucking."

"You don't do sex?"

"No."

"… WHY?!"

"Because it's pointless."

Someone please explain to me why I'm having this conversation with Bryan?

"Sexytime is not pointless. It makes babies. Me and Tala are going to have a baby, aren't we Tala?" Kai piped up in a language we can understand, staring at Tala.

Tala nodded. And frowned.

What's up with him?

"Children!" the teacher shouted.

Children? How old does she think we are? Four?

"Class is almost over! Please return the babies to their boxes-"

Oh yeah, because that's what you'd do in real life. You'd put it in a box.

"- and pack your things up, ready to leave."

Gladly.

"Wait! I've changed my mind!" the teacher shouted.

She can't do that! I want to leave! Why do we have the most indecisive teachers ever?!

"How about you have the babies for a day?"

NOOOOOO!

"NOOOOOO!" Bryan shouted, dropping his baby on it's head, causing it to scream.

"Yes, if you take the babies for a day, and then bring them back just before teatime. That'll be nice, won't it?"

"NOOOOOO!" Bryan shouted again.

I don't think his baby will last that long.

In fact, I think Bryan might end up throwing it out of a window. And film it. And put it on YouTube.

Because he is that sort of asexual person.

Lunch

12.10 in the pm

Well, this is a jolly affair. There's not room to swing a cat at this table, anymore. Brooklyn and Miguel have both joined us again for lunch, with Tyson sitting in between them, frowning.

They're both staring at Tyson's plastic baby.

I hope they're not thinking it's the real thing. I'd be worried if they did.

5 minutes later

Bryan is doing his dramatic lemur look at his baby.

It's started crying.

P.E.

2.17 in the pm

Do you know how difficult it is to play tennis whilst holding the baby?

No?

I do. It's very difficult.

My poor darling child, er, fake baby. Yes. My fake baby has been hit in the face twice with a tennis ball so far.

I think Bryan's aiming for it. Because I'm playing him.

He's not even holding his baby. It's just dangling from his hip. If that were a real baby, he'd be in prison right now. So I guess it's a good job that it isn't a real-

MY BABY! BRYAN JUST HIT THE BALL INTO MY BABY'S FACE!!

AGAIN!

"Bryan! That was uncalled for!" I yelled at him, dropping my racket, and cooing over my baby to make sure it was okay.

I stopped when I realised that it's a blob of plastic.

2.21 in the pm

I have become very distracted.

Bryan is just aiming tennis balls at me.

But I can't stop watching the way Mariam moves… She's actually fantastic at tennis… And is so skilled, because she hasn't dropped her baby once…

And her arse looks fantastic, wobbling from side to side.

"ERECTION RADAR IS TINGLING!" I heard Kai shouted from the far court.

I looked down at myself.

Damn.

"Don't worry, baby. It's nothing unnatural. Daddy's just a bit excited," I cooed to my darling chil- the plastic baby. It is just a piece of plastic, Max.

A minute later

"Grow up!"

Who said that?

Was it aimed at me?

How dare they!

Oh, wait. It wasn't aimed at me. It was Tala who said it, and I can only presume that it was directed at his one true love… Who looks a bit lost now that Tala has stormed inside.

Oh God.

5.10 in the pm

FREEDOM FROM THE BABIES!

Bryan looks particularly relieved. Tyson and Kai look rather disappointed. Anyone else who hasn't been mentioned don't look that bothered.

"What shall we do?" Mariam pondered.

"Go to a quiet room and fuck?" I suggested.

She stared at me.

As did everyone else.

"Okay, maybe not," I shrugged.

"Let's go back to Room 101 and let the randomness take over," Tyson said.

"Yeah!" Kai piped up enthusiastically.

"Caretaker," Spencer said.

We stared at him.

"Let's steal things from the caretaker's cupboard," he explained.

"Why?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Because I want the Hoover that's in there."

We stared at Spencer some more, but he didn't go any further. We accepted it and went to the caretaker's cupboard.

In there was one of those red Henry Hoovers. You know the one. The one with the face. Spencer's face cracked into a grin, and he tugged it out of the cupboard. Once he was out of the way, we dived in there to see what else we could steal.

A minute later

There is nothing else.

Except for a tub of green goo stuff. I have no idea what it's for, but I'm not stealing it.

It reminds me of snot.

Room 101

5.21 in the pm

"Spencer, why did you want the Hoover?" Mariam asked.

"Because it has a face," he replied, staring at Henry the Hoover.

"Why did it have to come in here?" I asked in annoyance.

"I didn't want him to feel lonely," Spencer replied monotonously.

Are all Russians this odd? Or just the four in this room?

"Do you know what Hoovers are good for?" Kai asked.

Oh God.

"Hoovering the floor?" Mariam shrugged.

Spencer shrugged, too.

"No. Fulfilling your sexual fantasies," Kai said.

Oh God. I'm leaving. Now. I'm going.

"Where do you think you're going?" Bryan said, as I tried to make a quick exit.

He shoved me back onto my bed, and before I could say where I was going to, Kai had plugged in Henry, and was whipping his penis out.

"NO, KAI! THERE'S BETTER WAYS TO GAIN SEXUAL PLEASURE!" I yelled at him.

My cry was ignored, and Henry was switched on and promptly attached to Kai's penis. It is a horrific sight. Kai seems to be enjoying it.

Fucking weirdo.

5 minutes later

Kai is now satisfied, and is pointing the Hoover tube at me. He can fuck off. That is not coming anywhere near my cock.

"Do you know what else it's good for?" Kai said.

No, no, no.

"Sucking babies out of holes," Kai continued.

Tyson's eyes went wide, and he pressed himself up against the wall. Kai switched the Hoover on again.

"Kai! No!" Tyson shouted, but Kai couldn't hear him.

Kai yanked down Tyson's trousers, and attached the tube to Tyson's arsehole. He needed worry, it won't really suck the baby out.

I hope.

5 minutes later

Kai's gotten bored of trying to suck the baby out of Tyson's arse, and he's now happily sat in a corner of the room, switching Henry on and off, and giggling as it attaches to his face, nipples, arm, etc.

"Tala, can Henry join in with our sexytime?" Kai asked when Henry was turned off.

Tala didn't reply, but walked out of the room. Kai shrugged, and dropped Henry's tube (oo-er) and followed Tala out of the room.

Bryan and Spencer shrugged at each other, and also walked out of the room, Spencer quickly unplugging Henry before they left, and tugging Henry behind him.

Me, Tyson and Mariam were left to stare at each other and wonder what the bloody Hell is going on.

7.46 in the pm

I don't like it.

Me and Mariam are cuddled up in my bed, and Tyson is lay on his own. And we are listening.

Listening to what's going on next door in Tala and Kai's room.

And for once, it's not sexytime.

It's the opposite.

A minute later

I mean, we've all noticed that something's not right between them… And tea was horrific… They weren't talking, touching eating from each other's faces or anything. Nothing.

And they've been going at it since we got back from tea.

Not sex.

Arguing.

And I don't like it.

A minute later

Me and Mariam have crept outside the door of Room 102, and pressed our ears against the door. There is a lot of foreign shouting going on.

We can't understand it.

"I think they're speaking Russian," Mariam whispered.

"Or that Kai-Gibberish," I whispered back.

"IT'S OVER!" we heard Tala's voice shout.

And everything went quiet.

Oh God.

7.55 in the pm

Me and Mariam have come back into Room 101. Tyson heard Tala's last shout, too. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole school heard it. It was rather loud.

"What do we do?" Mariam asked.

"Nothing we can do. Just let them get on with it," Tyson shrugged.

I half expected Spencer to shrug, too, before I remember he's not in here.

"Well, we could always-"

I was cut-off mid-sentence by a little knock at the door. Me, Tyson and Mariam all looked at each other. I sighed, realising that neither of them were going to answer the door. I stood up, walked over to it, opened the door, and came face-to-face with Kai.

He had a face like this:

T_T

I actually hugged him.

8.00 in the pm

This is actually very depressing. I'm sat on Tyson's bed next to Tyson, whilst Mariam is sat on my bed, holding Kai. He's all sniffly, and his eyes are red. I want to ask him what's happened, but I think it's quite obvious.

I want the details, though.

"Erm, Kai… It's obvious that Tala split up with you…" I said gently, and Kai sniffed. "But why?"

Kai sniffed again.

"Said I was childish. That I was an idiot. Th-that… That he di-didn't love me," Kai replied, and burst into tears.

Oh God.

8.34 in the pm

Tyson wanted to go into Room 102 and give Tala a piece of his mind. But we reminded him that he was heavily pregnant, and all the excitement may make him go into early labour. He quickly sat back down again.

Kai is going to sleep in our room until further notice.

I don't see why not.

Since Mariam moved in quite a while ago. She never actually goes back to her own room anymore. I've had to move and organise my clothes in my chest of drawers so she can fit hers in.

Back to the point.

I'm sharing Tyson's bed tonight, and Mariam said she'll look after Kai, which is sweet of her. He's already fast asleep in my bed, and Mariam is stroking his hair.

If he wasn't gay, and she wasn't mine, I'd be pissed off and jealous.

But I'm not.

Because he's gay, and she's already mine.

Wednesday 16th April '08

Midnight

I cannot get to sleep. I keep looking over to my bed and seeing Mariam lie there with Kai. I feel a pang of annoyance every now and again, because he's sharing a bed with my girlfriend.

But then I remember that he's gay.

1.03 in the am

Tyson's bump is pushing me out of the bed.

I swear I can feel a little hand pressing into my arse.

Unless…

Oh my God! Tyson has an erection!

Breakfast

8.04 in the am

I am absolutely knackered. I did not get a wink of sleep, what with the knowledge of my Mariam sharing my very own bed with another guy (even if he is gay), and the fact that I had a baby bump and an erection pressing into my back.

Kai can sleep with Tyson tonight.

A minute later

Tala has just walked into the canteen with Bryan and Spencer.

Spencer seems to have suction marks on his face.

I think he was 'getting to know' Henry the Hoover last night…

5 minutes later

Tala and his crew has just walked straight passed out table, not paying any attention to the very depressed and deflated grey, blue and purple blob on our table, and they've sat at a table as far away as they can.

Bastards.

A minute later

Kai is crying. We can tell, because we can hear him sniffling against the table.

That, and a wave of salty water has just washed my empty cup off the table.

He is stupidly depressed.

"Kai, please cheer up," Mariam said, patting his head.

"Yeah, there are plenty more fish in the sea," Tyson said cheerfully.

Kai looked up.

"I don't want a fish. I want Tala," he said, smashing his face back onto the table.

Crikey.

* * *

A/N: Sexually inappropriate behaviour with Hoovers… LOL.

The green goo that they found in the caretaker's cupboard! It EXISTS! I know this for a FACT, because when I was in 6th form, me and my friend Chrissie accidentally, er, got gloss paint all over our hands in Art. So, the art teacher sent us to the caretaker's hut, and we had to dip our hands in the green goo to get the paint off :/

Anyway…

Yes, things have taken a bad turn for Tala and Kai.

:(

Review?


	15. The Airplane Human Stick Thing

- Warnings: Still some sadness, but cuddles cure all!

- A/N: I am going to eat my rabbit, since he keeps eating all my story plans! Grr!

Anyhoo, over 150 reviews now! :O Keep 'em coming! XD

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 15: The Airplane Human Stick Thing**

Thursday 17th April '08

Breakfast

7.59 in the am

Monkey nuts. In milk. That is what I think my 'breakfast' is, this morning. I may or may not have mentioned this before, but I'm quite worried about those dinner ladies…

"Dude, I swear these are monkey nuts," Tyson said, reading my thoughts, and picking one up with his spoon.

"They do resemble monkey nuts a little…" Mariam joined in, also picking one up with her spoon.

The one person who didn't join in, was Kai. His face was mashed onto the table much like it was yesterday. In all honesty, he has not said an awful lot since Tala split up with him.

Talking of Tala, the redheaded, Russian, airplane-human-stick thing himself was over in the far corner of the canteen, with his two bestest chums (Spencer and Bryan), and he does not look all that fabulous.

In fact, if I'm being honest, Tala looks shit and dishevelled.

"Kai… Do you want the rest of my Sunny D?" Mariam asked the deflated, big-purple-bottomed friend in front of us.

He shook his head.

"Do you want to feel bump? The baby's kicking," Tyson asked.

He shook his head again.

"Do you want a seahorse?" I asked.

There was a pause, before he finally shook his head again.

Aha! He had to think about that one!

5 minutes later

"Come on, Kai. Let's go and feed Jeffers," Tyson said, unsticking Kai's face from the table, and walking out of the canteen.

Kai has left a puddle of snot on the table.

Nice.

However, this now gives me and Mariam the opportunity to try and talk with the airplane-human-stick thing! I finish off my Sunny D, and we quickly zoom over to the table of the enemy…

"Tala… Bryan… Spencer," I nod as I sit down.

They stare daggers at me.

Well, no. Tala's staring daggers at me.

Bryan is doing his dramatic lemur look, and Spencer hasn't stopped staring at Emily.

Why is he staring at Emily?

"Hullo," Mariam said cheerfully, sitting down next to me with the Russians.

Tala narrowed his eyes.

"What do you two want?" he snapped.

How very rude.

"Well, we'll get straight to the point. May we ask WHY you've broken up with Kai?" I sad, trying to look stern, but probably only succeeding in looking like a twat.

Tala frowned at me.

"I really don't think that's any of your business."

"Oh, I think it is. He is one of my best friends, and he also happens to have stolen my bed. I'd like you two to resolve this issue you have between you, so I can enjoy the soft, paddedness of my bed in peace, thank you please."

What am I going on about?!

Tala sighed.

"I don't want anything to do with Kai until he grows up."

At that, Tala, Bryan and Spencer got up and walked off.

What is Tala on about?! Until Kai grows up?! But Tala luuuurves Kai's immaturity!

Doesn't he?

Biology

10.30 in the am

You must be starting to think that this is the only class we ever have… You'd be wrong. This is just the most interesting class to write about.

Admittedly, nothing spectacular has happened in today's lesson, but when you're sharing a table with Tala, Kai, Bryan, Spencer and Tyson, you can assume that things are going to be a bit frosty.

In this case, things weren't just a bit frosty.

They were full-on iced over.

Tala and Kai kept shooting glances at each other. I couldn't tell whether they were both going to burst into tears, or yell at each other. Or both.

But the bell has rang, signalling the end of the lesson, meaning I can go and escape them all. Sort of. Kind of. Not. I've dragged Tyson out of the classroom as fast as I can, and I gesture for us to make a quick getaway, but he has that weird look in his eye.

You know the one.

The one people sometimes have when they're sympathising with a friend because their life has gone badly wrong.

Before I can stop him, Tyson has walked back into the Biology room, and dragged Tala and Kai out by their arms.

"TALK. TO. EACH. OTHER." he said slowly.

Tala glared at Tyson, before glaring at me, and then glaring at Kai.

Kai just glared at Tala.

"You've still got Bam. I want him."

"I paid for him, therefore I get to keep him."

"He was a gift to me! You have to give him back to me!"

"Not a chance!"

Great, Tyson. Do you see what you've started? You've made them break out into a gay fight.

Other students stared as Tala and Kai continued to shout at each other over who should get what. They were acting like they were going through a divorce! Spencer and Bryan were leaning against the wall, whistling. They clearly weren't going to intervene.

"AND MR TWINKLE-TOES! YOU'VE STILL GOT HIM!" Kai yelled.

"YOU CAN KEEP YOUR BLOODY STUFFED SEAHORSE!" Tala yelled, pulling Mr Twinkle-Toes out of his man-bag, and throwing it at Kai's face.

Tala's been carrying that thing around with him?

More to the point, Tala MISSED Kai's face, and the seahorse zoomed right past Kai's right ear, and straight into the breasts of… Mrs McFahrt.

Oh God.

She's bent down, picked up the cuddly toy, stared at it, and then stared at our little group.

"IVANOV! HIWATARI! GRANGER! TATE! KUZNETSOV! SPENCER-WHATEVER-YOUR-LAST-NAME-IS! ALL OF YOU HAVE DETENTION THIS EVENING. 4PM. CLEANING THE STAFF BOGS NEAR THE CANTEEN. THE SMELLY ONES!"

Surely she can't say that?

AND THAT'S UNFAIR!

I was doing nothing!

NOTHING, I TELL YOU!

"Mrs. McFahrt," Bryan finally piped up, zooming straight into the face of our beloved head, and immediately doing his lemur look. "I find it highly unfair that Spencer and myself should receive detention when we were just innocent bystanders who just happen to be associated with these morons."

McFahrt went red.

"Well, I, um… Yes, Mr… Bryan. You are quite right. Ahem. You and Spencer do not have to attend detention. BUT THE REST OF YOU DO, GOT IT?!"

Why didn't Bryan stick up for me and Tyson?

The bastard.

"Oooh, I think she _laaaikes_ you," Tyson said to Bryan once McFahrt had gone, nudging Bryan in the ribs, and waggling his eyebrows.

"I use my looks to my advantage," Bryan shrugged.

"What looks?" I raised my eyebrows.

"Fuck you, Max."

"You'll be fucking McFahrt, next, Bryan…" Tyson said, still waggling his eyebrows.

"Like I've said before, I don't do fucking."

Me and Tyson rolled our eyes, and watched as Tala stormed off, with Bryan and Spencer in tow. Kai picked up Mr Twinkle-Toes off the floor again, as McFahrt had dropped it when Bryan had used his lemur skills again.

Kai sniffed, and launched himself at me.

I patted him on the head, and mouthed the word 'help' at Tyson. He just laughed. The bastard.

Detention

The Staff's Smelly Toilets Near The Canteen

4.00 in the pm

Now, I know detention isn't exactly supposed to be a jolly affair, but this is ridiculous. It's like being stuck in a morgue. Only more depressing. If that's possible.

Kai is over the far room of the toilets, cleaning a pipe with a toothbrush. Tala is on the opposite side of the toilets, unblocking the very blocked sinks. This leaves me and Tyson with the actual toilets themselves.

They all look worse than mine and Tyson's toilet.

And even that doesn't look very pleasant.

So imagine (or not, depending whether you'd like to vomit or not) what these bogs look like…

Kai is singing something… What's he singing?

"I love you… You love me… We're a seahorse family…"

Who's he aiming that at?

I'm assuming Tala, because Tala is staring at Kai, but Kai hasn't noticed. He's still scrubbing away with his toothbrush, and singing to himself with his head hung low.

I cannot take anymore of this.

They are going to have to make up.

Sure, the annoying-Kai, er, annoyed me… But this depressed Kai is… Depressing me. I'd rather see him retarded than depressed.

Is that a mean thing to say?

"Max, there is a really stubborn shit stain in the bottom of that bog, and no matter how much I scrub at it with the brush, it will not come off!" Tyson said, bursting out of the cubicle he was in, and looking at me. "Aren't you going to do your share of the cleaning?" He asked, staring at my plunger (oo-er) and my make-shift scrubbing brush (a scouring pad sellotaped onto the end of a stick) that I was holding.

"The scouring pad keeps coming off," I explained, and he nodded. "I'm just watching those, two," I mumbled, so only Tyson could hear.

Though, Tala might've been able to hear me, too. You just don't know with him. He has Spidey powers you could only dream of having.

Tyson glanced from Tala to Kai. Both were just sat at the opposite ends of the toilets, both just scrubbing absent-mindedly. Tyson raised his eyebrows, and mentioned something about tackling the shit stain again.

He locked himself back in his cubicle, and there was a loud splash from behind his door. I dread to think what he's done. Then, something extraordinary happened.

Kai looked up.

Tala looked up.

They both stopped scrubbing.

And looked ad each other.

And then Kai burst into tears.

He got up, and I prepared myself to be launched at again, but Kai just rand past me, wailing, and straight into the arms of Tala, who was now also bawling his eyes out.

What?!

Tyson's cubicle door opened again, and I raised my eyebrows at him. He was soaking wet. He raised his eyebrows at me, before pointing at Tala and Kai and shrugging. I shrugged back, and he nodded.

We just had a non-verbal conversation.

And I don't really know what was said.

I do know that we are both very confused, though.

So, we left the sobbing couple to their crying, and returned to Room 101. Mariam was sat waiting for us, and we explained to her what the Hell just happened.

Now, we're all waiting with baited breath whether or not Tala and Kai will indeed sort things out…

* * *

A/N: I wasn't feeling it, this chapter. Not at all.

I seem to have a hit a bit of a writer's block with everything else, too.

Gah.

Review?


	16. I Can Spin It In A Circle!

- Warnings: Uber cuteness, there are mentions of some Tala/Kai loving, a 'touching' little Bryan/McFahrt scene (and mentions of more in her office…), and Max is going to do the unthinkable. O.O

- A/N: I am going to worm an elephant thong into this chapter. Because I can.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 16: I Can Spin It In A Circle!**

Friday 18th April '08

8.11 in the am

Breakfast

Mariam, Tyson and I are nervously awaiting the arrival of Kai and Tala. Bryan and Spencer are over in their little corner, doing what suspiciously looks like twiddling their thumbs. I am relieved to see that Bryan is scowling for once.

I raise my eyebrows at Mariam in a kind of 'where the Hell are Kai and Tala' way. She shrugs her shoulders to say 'no idea'. I'm getting quite good at this non-verbal malarkey.

"I detect uber gayness," Tyson said

"It's not me," I said.

"I should hope not," Mariam said, staring at me. I stared back.

"No, Kai and Tala are here. They're getting their breakfast. They both look happy," Tyson said, tilting his head.

I looked towards the dinner ladies. They were singing along raucously to 'I Want To Break Free' by Queen. And there were Tala and Kai, giggling at them.

Yup, they seemed to be back to their normal selves.

Which is a relief.

A few minutes later

Kai and Tala have finally joined us. Kai seems to be grinning more grinningly than usual. Tala seems to have quite a happy look on his face. Though, when he looks happy, his forehead wrinkles upwards, causing those two strands of hair dangling in front of his face to raise up, and then his eyebrows look even more prominent than usual.

I shall never tell him this.

I quite like my penis and balls as they are.

"Ahh, what a beautiful day it is," Tyson said, stretching out, and lifting our side of the table up with his bump.

"It most certainly is," Tala agreed, nodding.

"I love my Tala," Kai said quietly, but we all heard him, and he launched himself at Tala in a bone-breaking hug.

I have to admit, it is quite cute. In a way.

A minute later

Bryan and Spencer have finally decided to join us. I knew that they'd be feeling lonely and couldn't resist our charms if we ignored them for long enough.

Well, actually, I just forgot they weren't with us.

But they are now! Spencer made some hand gestures at Emily on his way over. They looked quite like two fingers being stuck up at her, but Spencer was at a funny angle, so I can't be sure.

I hope something isn't blossoming there.

It would be quite horrific.

Though, it would get super-bitch off mine and Mariam's case.

"You made up, then?" Bryan asked Tala somewhat disappointedly.

Tala nodded, and kissed the top of Kai's head. He latched onto Tala even tighter, if that was possible. Bryan rolled his eyes, but there was a hint of a smile. Or smirk. Bryan doesn't do smiling. But he does smirking.

8.20 in the am

I don't know what McFahrt has against us, but she is barging her large arse through the tables, and heading towards ours. We haven't done anything this morning! In fact, we've been quite boring and mushy!!

She just hates us.

She has arrived.

We've all raised our eyebrows at her.

Except Bryan, who has a PROPER smile on his face.

What?! Why?! Bryan doesn't do smiling!! So why is he smiling?! WHHYYYY, DAMMIT?!

"Erm, Kuznetsov…" McFahrt began somewhat nervously, before frowning. "Where are the eyes?"

I just know for a fact me and Tyson wanted to burst out with 'between the nose and eyebrows', but we didn't, because we were too horrified by Bryan responding by doing his dramatic lemur look.

"There they are," McFahrt smiled, tapping Bryan on the nose.

WHAT?!

"I need to see you in my office, Kuznetsov. Nine am sharp. Don't be late," McFahrt said, turning and walking out of the canteen.

WHAT?!

We all turned to look at Bryan, who was looking quite pleased with himself.

"What?" he asked.

Biology

9.42 in the am

Today, we are doing theory work. Not cutting open small animals. This means that Kai is not distracted, and now he won't shut up. I'm trying to block him out, but every time I manage to, I think of what Bryan could be doing up in McFahrt's office. Because he is still not back, yet. And the images I'm getting are quite horrific.

I suppose I shouldn't worry. He said he doesn't do sex.

"- and then Tala kissed my head, so I leaned up to kiss him back, and then we broke apart, and he pulled me right into him, and I rested my head under his chin, and stroked my nose, and-"

"So you didn't have sex, then?" Tyson asked, perhaps a little too loudly.

We now have the attention of Johnny and Oliver on the table next to us.

"No," Tala shook his head. "We're going to take things slow, and do some properly normal couple stuff occasionally."

"That's fair doodles," Tyson said, nodding.

Kai had opened his mouth again to tell us more about last night. Probably how he secretly licked Tala's penis whilst Tala was asleep or something. He was cut off, anyway, by the arrival of Bryan. He's just banged through the door, and our little group has raised our eyebrows at him. Especially Spencer. I think he's getting bored.

"Sorry I'm late, Miss," Bryan said to the teacher at the front of the room, who just nodded. "Elaine- erm, I mean Mrs McFahrt was spank- I mean, talking to me in her office."

The teacher at the front of the room just nodded again, and returned to marking some papers or whatever it was she was doing. Probably drawing stick-men porn. That's what I do to look busy.

The back of my Biology book could practically be made into a stick-men porn film. There are some stick-women, but they just seem to be watching the stick-men. These gays have taken over my brain…

Bryan took his seat next to Spencer, and we all stared at him. He stared back at us all, before raising his eyebrows.

"What?" he asked.

"So… How was 'Elaine'?" Tala sneered.

Bryan went red.

"Did you enjoy the spanking she gave you?" Tyson grinned.

Bryan went even redder.

"Bryan, you do know there's a rule in the rulebook that says something about students not being allowed to have sexytime with a teacher, right?" Mariam asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Someone was bound to break it. I just didn't expect it to be him," Tala said, sniggering.

Bryan mashed his face onto the desk. I think he's done it to hide the redness. I thought he didn't do sex? Maybe he didn't. I'm hoping at this stage in time, that spanking was all that happened up in her office…

"Elaine doesn't count as a teacher, though," Bryan mumbled.

"She's the HEAD teacher, Bryan," Mariam said, raising her eyebrows.

"But she doesn't teach," Bryan continued his protests.

"She teaches sex education apparently," Tyson giggled.

She actually does. She teaches all the little students that you can't get pregnant from kissing. That you actually have to stick an erect penis into a vagina. Tyson breaks this rule, but then, Tyson's always breaking the rules.

But she's teaching a more intimate sex education to Bryan.

Bryan still has his face mashed onto the table.

He doesn't now, actually. He's just looked up, considerably less red, and quite worried.

"Is it wrong that I got a stiffy from being spanked by a fat woman with her knickers down?"

TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!

"Yes. That is wrong," Tala said. He looks quite horrified, and has retreated to the arms of Kai, who is patting Tala's head in a somewhat understanding manner. I don't know why. It's quite odd to see their roles reversed.

"Condom," Spencer said.

He speaks at last!

He speaks something very random, but at least it's something.

We're all doing what we usually do, and staring at him. He elaborates.

"If you go all the way with McFahrt, then make sure you use a condom."

Bryan is staring at Spencer.

"As much as that doesn't even bear thinking about, Spencer is right. We don't need any mini McFahrtsov's running around," I said.

"McFahrtsov's," Mariam giggled.

Bryan frowned.

"I've already told you, I don't do sex. And I will not be having sex with McFahrt!"

Oops.

He may have shouted the last part.

The entire class is staring at him.

He's mashed his face onto the table once more.

In town

4.12 in the pm

After classes had finally finished, I realised something horrific. I have a lack of money. I would email my Mum and/or Dad and ask for some more, but I have thought of a better plan.

I am going to get a part-time job.

A minute later

I don't know why Kai has chosen to come with me on my search for a job. Maybe he wants one, too? But then, why would he need one? He's stupidly rich.

4.45 in the pm

I have asked in shops (even a sex shop, though, that was Kai's fault. He wanted to get Tala a 'present', and then made me ask if they have any jobs, because he wanted me to get a discount for him if he ever went there again - they didn't have any jobs, in the end), I even asked the tramp sat at the side of the street if he was employing a bigger mouth to ask for money.

He said no, but said he was looking for someone with a big mouth to suck his cock during the night to keep him warm. He then grinned, bearing all three of his rotten teeth, and just as he was about to reach out to me, Kai unknowingly came to the rescue, and pulled me away to look at some hats he'd found in a shop window.

They had Tala's face on.

Kai insisted that he had to buy one.

He bought me one, too.

And has rammed it onto my head.

He's wearing his, too.

4.51 in the pm

Okay, I'm really getting desperate now. I suppose I could look tomorrow if I don't find anything today, but I'd rather just hop straight onto the working wagon.

"I'm cold," Kai complained, pouting.

"Well, I didn't ask you to come out with me to find a job, so don't blame me," I replied, taking a look at the stalls at the market we were passing.

"I wasn't blaming you, I was just complaining."

I rolled my eyes, and looked at the fruit and veg stall we were approaching. The bloke packing up some things looked a bit disgruntled, and not at all impressed. I approached him, hoping beyond hope he wanted a guy like me to help him out.

"Hi there," I announced my presence.

Kai looked at me, confused as to who I was talking to. I pointed to the big butt in front of us. The fruit and veg man stood up, and turned around to look at us.

"Listen, kid. I'm not in the mood for any of your little pranks, so why don't you and your gay friend run off home?" the man said, frowning.

Kai looked down at himself, clearly wondering what it was about him that told everyone that he was gay.

"I'm not going to play any pranks, sir. I just wondered if you were looking for help on your stall?" I asked, doing my irresistible cute look.

Though, I might not want to be doing my irresistible cute look if this bloke is anything like the tramp…

"Funny you should ask… My other lad quit today, leaving me right in the shit," the bloke said, dumping a box of apples onto me. "Shove those into my van, will you?"

I tottered over to his van, and put the apples into the back of the van. I turned around, and the bloke dumped a box of smelly, rotten fruit into my arms.

"That's all the shit I've found that's no good, because my other lad never fucking checked."

I raised my eyebrows. I could do a better job than this 'other lad'!!

"When do you want to start?" the man asked gruffly, giving me another box of apples (Granny Smiths, yum) to put into his van.

"Well, I'm still at school, so…" I trailed off.

"I'm open 7 days a week, kid. Only for a few hours on Sunday, mind. I already have a girl working Monday to Thursday."

"I can only do Saturdays and Sundays, really," I said, thinking.

"That's enough to keep me covered. You start tomorrow. Nine am sharp."

"Fantastic!"

I helped my new boss load his van with all his goods, and I waved him off as he drove away. Kai looked at me.

"Max, does my appearance scream 'GAY'?"

Room 101

7.10 in the pm

Dinner was fun. Tala kept laughing, because Kai insisted that we wear the 'Tala Hats' all night. I eventually got so fed up of Kai talking, that I reached over the table, pulled his hat off his head, and stuffed it into his mouth.

Mariam is wearing mine, right now.

Tala and Kai have gone into their room, so Kai can give Tala his 'present'. I dread to think what it is. We do have Bryan with us, though. Spencer has… Disappeared. According to Bryan, anyway. I reckon that Spencer might just be spending some quality time with Henry the Hoover.

"May I enquire as to where Kai bought Tala's present from?" Tyson asked.

"A sex shop," I replied.

"Oh God," Tyson said.

"I know," I replied.

7.15 in the pm

There was a knock at the door.

As per usual, I've had to be the one to open it.

I opened it… And saw Kai's present to Tala.

I didn't know whether to laugh, or be mortified that I've had to answer the door to _this_.

I let them both in, Kai giggling like mad, and Tala looking mighty pleased with himself.

"Oh my God…" Mariam said, looking Tala up and down.

Tyson's eyes went wide, and Bryan actually hid under my bed. That's how traumatised he is.

"What?" Tala asked.

"Tala…You are wearing nothing but an elephant thong. Your penis is inside the trunk," I said, staring at the elephant.

Tala rotated his hips.

"Look! It swings back and forth!"

Help.

"Hahaha, look! I can spin it in a circle!"

He and Kai collapsed onto the floor in a fit of giggles.

… I actually have nothing to say.

11.15 in the pm

Tala and Kai have gone to their room, finally. They took the elephant thong with them. Thank God.

Bryan has gone, too. Spencer eventually showed up, a little bit red face, and his fly undone. I have lost the will to ask, anymore. Bryan looked a little relieved when Spencer showed up, and they disappeared. Probably to discuss who had the best sexual experience today.

Which leaves Tyson to snore loudly in his bed, which he is doing now, and leaves me and Mariam to snuggle down into my bed. She seemed quite sad when I'd told her I'd gotten a job, but brightened up when I told her it was so I could earn some money to spoil her.

"Max…" she said sleepily.

She's so cute. And her short hair keeps tickling my neck and ears. It makes me giggle in the middle of the night, waking us both up. Quite annoying, really.

"Yeah?" I replied, tapping her nose.

"… I can hear sex."

What?

Her eyes opened, and stared at mine. We both frowned, and listened really hard. She was right. I could hear sex, too, now.

I wonder who it could be…

A minute later

The sounds have gotten louder. We can hear everything.

"Ahh!!! Tala!!!"

"Kai, you really need to keep your voice down!"

"But your big elephant trunk is banging into me and it feels sooooo good!"

So much for taking things slowly.

* * *

A/N: -sigh-

Review?


	17. How The Hell Did I Squeeze That Out?

- Warnings: Excessive talk of poo.

- A/N: Erm… I'm married to MarianQ! :D

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 17: How The Hell Did I Squeeze That Out?**

Saturday 19th April '08

7.26 in the am

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

It's my first day at work today, and I need to get dressed, and eat and I REALLY NEED TO HAVE A SHIT!

Stupid Tyson with his stupid penis, and his stupid pregnancy, and the stupid baby squeezing his stupid bladder, so he's having to pee a stupid amount.

Honestly, he has been in that bathroom for the past five minutes, doing nothing but peeing. I can hear him, and it's been quite a steady flow.

7.30 in the am

He is STILL peeing! Oh wait. No, it's stopped.

I can hear the water of the tap running… The door's unlocking… It's opening… AND ME AND MARIAM CHARGE AT TYSON, SHOVE HIM OUT OF THE WAY, GRAPPLE WITH EACH OTHER, VARIOUS BODY PARTS (I.E. HER BREASTICLES) GET SQUEEZED, AND I WIN AND LOCK MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM!

Ha, ha and triple HA.

5 minutes later

Y'know those times, when you're sat on the bog, having a crap, and you get up to wipe your arse, and you happen to look down into the bowl, and see a huge log lying there, or it's in some odd shape, and you think 'how the Hell did I squeeze that out'?

This is one of those times.

5 minute later

"I just did the weirdest shit," I announced, walking out of the bathroom, letting Mariam rush in.

"Was it big?" Tyson asked casually.

This is not a normal conversation.

"It was quite big. It was kind of angular, too."

Why am I describing my crap?!

"That's quite bizarre."

"It is. I've never done a log like it before."

"I beg your pudding?" a gay voice said at the door.

Me and Tyson turned to look at the entrance to our room.

Tala, Kai, Bryan and Spencer were stood there. Staring at us. I'd like to know how they unlocked our door, opened it without us noticing, and how long they've been there.

"Erm, how did you get in?" Tyson asked.

"We still have a key," Tala replied, waving it in the air.

"And another one," Kai smirked, looking somewhat like his old self and waving another key.

The bastards have been getting keys to our door cut!

"Do you want to explain why you were talking about shit?" Tala asked, him and his minions walking in, and plonking themselves down on our beds.

Make yourselves at fucking home, why don't you?!

"Max did an unusual one," Tyson replied.

Thanks, Tyson, my bestest pal. Why don't you just announce to the world that I did a weird crap this morning?

"Tala did a right smelly one this morning," Kai announced, sounding like his new random self.

We all stared at him.

"Thanks," Tala said, crossing his arms, and trying to be in a huff with Kai, but failing as Kai wrapped his arms around Tala's waist, and attempting to suck on Tala's nipple through the fabric of his t-shirt.

"I think I might actually leave this conversation, now," I said, grabbing some clothes I'd laid out on my bed before I'd gone into the bathroom.

Right on cue, Mariam exited the bathroom, looking slightly startled that Kai, Tala, Bryan and Spencer were in our room. I rushed in and started getting changed. Back in the bedroom, I could hear the ongoing conversation about poo.

"Mariam, have you ever done a weird poo?" I heard Tyson's voice ask.

"Don't be silly," Mariam replied.

"Yeah, Tyson. Everyone knows that girls don't go for shits," Kai added.

How wrong he was.

8.53 in the am

At my new job

I decided to turn up early, and make a good impression. I don't know if I did or not, but the bloke who is now my boss has just got me setting up the stall. It's quite worrying that I don't even know his name…

"Erm, boss…" I started nervously, as he plonked a tray of bananas into my arms.

"Put that next to the Granny's. And call me Bob."

Bob. He does have a name after all!

"Right… Bob, erm, how do you use these scales, then?" I asked.

And he showed me. Just like that. I wish I could say he tripped over, of dropped a load of fruit, or ballet danced his way over to me to show me, but he didn't. He's way too normal.

Using the scales is easier than I imagined. All I have to do is press a button on them for the fruit the customer is buying, and then weight the fruit they want, and then charge them whatever it comes up with on screen!! It's as easy as pie!

Well, easier than pie.

Pie is not as easy as you think it might be.

9.06 in the am

I think I have my first customer approaching! I'm so excited!

Admittedly, it's an old woman who doesn't look as though she can see a lot.

So she might be here for a while.

The thought of that doesn't excite me so much.

But she'll be my first customer!

9.13 in the am

She is still making her way over to the stall.

9.16 in the am

She's finally made it to the stall. I raise my eyebrows at her when she finally reaches me.

"Excuse me, dear… Do you sell elephant thongs?"

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK?!

I peer into her face curiously, wondering if Tala and Kai had somehow disguised themselves. I saw no hints of gayness, though, and realised that this woman must be for real.

"Erm, no. Sorry, we don't," I replied.

"Oh. I'm sorry to trouble you then, dear."

And she tottered off at her snail pace.

I cannot believe that just happened.

9.20 in the am

A proper customer has arrived… A nice-looking lady with what appears to be her son. He's screaming something about 'the nasty nanas'. The lady's chuckling and has asked me for some oranges.

I ask how many she would like.

She tells me she wants four.

I put four into a bag and weigh them.

"That'll be 81pence," I said. It's weird working in British pounds/pence.

She hands over her money, and I give her the change and her oranges. She goes on her merry way, with her son screaming something about the oranges being too orange.

Lunchtime

12.24 in the pm

Looking at all this fruit is making me hungry… I'd stupidly forgotten to pack some lunch. I was hoping that Bob would come back to let me get some lunch, but no such joy. Surely I'm supposed to have a break…?

"Max!"

I turn around, and there is my lovely girlfriend running towards me. I give her a big hug as she reached me, and pushes a foil-wrapped package into my hands.

"What's this?" I ask.

"Lunch. I've got some for me, too. Because the other are _still_ discussing their bowel movements."

I was hungrily opening my lunch before she said that. Now I'm opening it somewhat less unenthusiastically. When I finally got into it, I found bacon sandwiches. I love bacon!

"How did you make this?" I asked Mariam, who was leaning up against one of the poles of the stall, shoving a sandwich into her mouth.

"I didn't. The dinner ladies did," she replied once she'd swallowed her mouthful. "So, anything interesting happen today so far?"

"Actually, now that you mention it…"

And I began telling her how my first 'customer' was an old lady wanting to buy an elephant thong. Mariam choked on her sandwich when I'd finished. Once she could breath again, she burst into laughter.

"Seriously?!" she asked, her eyes watering from all the laughter.

"Yes. Seriously. I nearly directed her in the direction of the sex shop Kai bought Tala's from, but I thought that she might eventually find it on her own. That, and the fact that I didn't want to admit that I know where to buy elephant thongs from."

Mariam laughed again.

And so I laughed.

And so we stood there, both laughing our heads off.

Once we calmed down, we finished our yummy sandwiches, and Mariam gave me a quick kiss and hug before saying that she'd meet me at 5pm when I finished. Then she went back up to the school.

1.01 in the pm

You are never going to guess what?!?!?!

No?!

Well, the little old lady who asked me this morning if I sold elephant thongs, is now walking past…

WITH ONE ON HER HEAD!

The world has officially gone mad.

1.33 in the pm

A bunch of chavs have just walked past, and one doubled back and came up to the stall. I hate chavs with a passion. I tried to be civil as I could when he asked for some grapes. I gave him his damn grapes, and took his contaminated money off of him.

Contaminated with what, you ask?

With his chaviness.

He's gone and rejoined his mates, all of whom are now stood opposite the stall, laughing and generally being twats.

1.35 in the pm

They are now throwing grapes at me.

Ignore them, Max…

5 minutes later

They are still throwing grapes at me…

5 minutes later

They are no longer throwing grapes at me. They've gone to pester the Indian woman selling carpets down the other end of the market. They've taken their grapes with them.

I hate chavs.

5.05 in the pm

Mariam is waiting patiently as me and Bob pack up all the fruits and veg into his van. He then pays me my little wage, and me and Mariam trundled our way back up to the school.

"That old woman walked past me again, y'know," I mentioned to Mariam, counting my decent wage of £50.

"The one who wanted an elephant thong?" she asked.

"That's the one. She has an elephant thong, too. On her head."

And Mariam burst out into those uncontrollable, high-pitched, contagious giggles that got me started, too. And once we both started, we couldn't stop.

And I mean, REALLY couldn't stop!

Tea

6.01 in the pm

Me and Mariam had to sit down on our way back to the school, to try and compose ourselves. We have only just made it back for tea. I told her all about the chavs, and she told me to just twat them in the face the next time I see them.

I'll do that.

I'll get Tala and Kai to help me, too.

A minute later

Erm, McFahrt has joined us at our table. Meaning that she's taken up half of the other side. Bryan is sat by her, and Spencer is sat by him.

There is some incredibly sickening sex eyes going on between them.

McFahrt and Bryan, I mean. Not Spencer and Bryan.

Hahahahahahahahhahaaaaaa.

A minute later

This does mean, however, that Mariam, myself, Tala, Kai and Tyson are crammed on this other side of the table.

There is not room to swing a cat.

Not that we'd want to swing a cat.

Not that Kai would LET us swing a cat.

A minute later

I have just happened to look down into Tala's lap.

"Tala… Why is there an elephant trunk poking out of your trousers?"

* * *

A/N: Oh. My. God.

Just… That. O.O

I'm having such issues recently.

Ergh.


	18. My Testicles Have Egos!

- Warnings: Chav-bashing (YAAAY!), an awkward staring competition, mentioning's of Bryan/McFahrt, and pubes. Or lack of them. Haha.

- A/N: At the time of writing this… FF(dot)net is still broke, I'm still bored of writing, and it's gone all cloudy outside.

OOH! THANKING YOU ALL, YOU GENEROUS LOONS, FOR THE REVIEWS! We has now reached 200 :D

-THROWS CONFETTI AT PINKJASMIN9.0 FOR THE 200TH ONE!-

Hurrah.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 18: My Testicles Have Egos!**

Sunday 20th April '08

9.06 in the am

As today is Sunday, Bob kindly said that he'd give me a little extra money today, because you always get a bit more if you work on a Sunday.

Which is kind of him.

Sort of.

The chavs from yesterday are hanging around again. Laughing and swearing and generally being twats, prats, and fuckers. Again.

They bought some more grapes, too. And are eating them.

Whoever heard of chavs eating grapes?!

9.15 in the am

Okay, they've started throwing grapes at me again.

What they seem to forget, is that I have an entire stall of fruit and veg behind me. Mwahahaha…

9.31 in the am

This has turned into a food fight!! Even the Asian lady from a few stalls down has come over to join in! It is me and the Asian lady versus the chavs!!

And we are winning!

Because we are throwing potatoes!

And carrots!

9.33 in the am

Okay, the chavs are just throwing the carrots back… So we've picked up the apples. As me and the Asian lady begin launching them at the ogres opposite us, I hear a roar from behind and someone grabs me!

"What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing?" I hear Bob growl in my ear.

The words 'oh' and 'shit' would be appropriate here, I feel.

"You've destroyed my stock!" Bob shouted, throwing his arms up in the air like a very angry person.

Which he was.

I notice that the Asian lady has scuttled back to her own store, and the chavs have disappeared… Great. I'm going to get the full blow of this. I hope it'll be painless.

9.55 in the am

I have been fired.

Obviously.

Well, I didn't expect Bossman Bob to say, "yes, Max, you can still work here, and throw spuds at the chavs every day, if you want". No. I was expecting to get the sack.

Bob gave me a fiver for my work today.

I think I deserve a bit more.

I fucking _owned_ those chavs!

Room 101

10.15 in the am

I have arrived back in my room.

Mariam, Kai, Tala, Spencer, Bryan and Henry the Hoover looked around at me in confusion when I walked in (well, Henry didn't, obviously… He just kind of stared and smiled with his painted-on face - Spencer waved his sucky-tube, though, in a way for Henry to greet me. Umm…).

But then their attentions were turned back to Tyson's bed.

Brooklyn, Tyson and Miguel were having a three-way staring competition.

"You're back early," Mariam commented as I sat down next to her.

"Got sacked for throwing the stock at some chavs," I replied.

"Nice one," Tala grinned. I grinned back.

"Erm, what are they doing?" I asked anyone in particular, nodding at Tyson, Brooklyn and Miguel's direction.

Everyone other than the three I'd nodded at shrugged at me.

"It had started out as a staring competition between Miguel and Brooklyn to see who would be the better boyfriend for Tyson," Tala said.

"But then Tyson joined in… And now no one knows what's going on," Mariam added.

Ah.

I see.

… I think.

Well, no, I don't. I'll just nod and agree.

10.21 in the am

They are still staring.

It's making my eyes water just from looking at them.

I can also see Bryan slipping into dramatic lemur mode. I think he wants to join in.

"Erm… As much fun as this is, I said I'd, er, spend some… Ah, _quality time_ with Elaine," Bryan said nervously, standing up, and walking to the door.

I don't want any images getting into my head.

Tala and Kai sniggered.

"Just make sure you don't get _lost_ up there," Tala giggled.

Please… Just, no.

"Condom," Spencer nodded.

NOOOOOO!

Bryan turned red and left.

2 minutes later

I have some horrific images in my head of Bryan getting lost up McFahrt's dress, now.

I'm going to have to go and clean my head out with soap.

Excuse me for a moment.

A minute later

I am in the bathroom, looking at a bar of soap… And I'm wondering how I can clean my brain out. Hmm… Maybe if I shove two pieces down my ear…

But they might get stuck.

And I might go deaf.

Which, at this moment in time, would not be a bad thing, because Spencer's switched Henry on, and I can hear a lot of giggling from Kai. I dread to think what's going on.

Right, two pieces of soap are definitely going in my ear.

10.27 in the am

I have walked back out to the bedroom… Tyson, Miguel and Brooklyn are still having their, um, staring competition, and Spencer, Kai and Henry are-

Oh my God.

They are vacuuming Bam.

The cat is enjoying it.

He has rolled over, and they are vacuuming his stomach.

I join Mariam and Tala, who are watching the two ongoing scenes in front of them with wide eyes… This is not normal.

A minute later

OH MY GOD!

EVERYTHING HAS JUST GONE QUIET!

I CANNOT HEAR ANYTHING!!

Mariam is saying something to me, but I'm looking blankly at her. She now looks a bit worried. Now Tala is saying something… But I don't know what!

"I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING!" I yell… I can hear myself… Sort of.

Tala and Mariam are just staring at me, now.

The others have not stopped what they are doing.

5 minutes later

Tala and Mariam have rushed me down to the Nurse's office… And she's currently looking down my ears. She's saying something to Tala and Mariam, but I don't know what, obviously.

I think she's just found the soap.

Yes, she has. She's now sticking a pair of tweezers down my lug-holes.

A minute later

I can hear!

"Max, why did you stick soap down your ear?" Mariam asked as we trotted back up to Room 101.

Hopefully the staring competition had stopped, and Spencer and Kai has stopped vacuuming the cat.

"I was trying to clean my brain out. I had horrific images of Bryan and McFahrt," I replied.

Mariam made an 'oh' face, and nodded. She was probably feeling my pain. She probably had images too.

She didn't stick soap in her ears, though.

"What sort of horrific images?" Tala asked.

"Just… Horrific ones," I replied, not wanting to go into detail.

"What? Like him bent over her desk, and her spanking him-"

"Tala! Shut up!"

"Or… Him slipping her huge panties off and sniffing them?"

"TALA! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Mariam wailed, covering her ears.

"Or him travelling up her dress after he'd taken her huge panties off, and getting lost in the many folds of her skin trying to find her vagina?" Tala grinned evilly.

…

I think I'm going to be sick.

"And then, once he had located her love muffin, he-"

Me and Mariam didn't give Tala a chance to finish. We've locked him in the same caretaker's cupboard that Spencer got Henry from. We're not letting him out, either. Kai and Spencer will have to come and rescue him.

Room 101

10.58 in the am

Me and Mariam are astonished to find that Miguel and Brooklyn left. According to Tyson, Miguel eventually won the staring competition, so Brooklyn stormed off like a sulking bitch, and then Miguel left, too, to go and buy some baby clothes.

Which is quite sweet.

"Where's Tala?" Kai asked.

"In the caretaker's cupboard," I replied. "We've locked him in there because he was saying nasty things…"

"What nasty things?" Kai enquired.

"Things that Bryan and McFahrt might be doing," Mariam replied.

"Eww…" Kai said. "I was going to go and let him out, but if he saying things about them… Then he can stay in there a bit longer."

And with that, Kai gathered up the very clean Bam, and Spencer unplugged Henry and they walked out of Room 101. Huh. They weren't even forced out.

Me and Mariam looked at Tyson, who was stood up, and attempting to look into his underwear over the top of his bump.

"Er, Tyson… What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm looking at my penis," he replied. "Because everyone wants it. So I want to see why they want it."

I don't want it.

And I'm pretty sure Mariam doesn't want it.

Kai and Tala definitely don't want it. They want the baby, though. Kai does, at least.

Spencer has Henry. That is all I'm saying.

And Bryan… I'm not going there.

So not everyone actually wants Tyson's penis. I was about to point this out to Tyson, but he spoke before me.

"I am seeing what everyone wants, though. I do have a nice penis. It's a bit on the small side, but at least it's not being swallowed by pubes. Max, come have a look at my balls. Come and see how smooth they are."

"Err… No thanks," I raised my eyebrow. Tyson is certainly loving blowing his own trumpet.

"Oh yes… I do see why people want me. I am one sexy beast."

Me and Mariam stare at him. He notices, zips his trousers back up, and looks at us.

"I'm a bit ego-testicle," he said.

"Do you mean egoistical?" Mariam asks.

"Nope, I do mean ego-testicle. My testicles have egos!"

He has collapsed onto his bed in a fit of laughter, as if what he had just said was the funniest thing in the world. It wasn't. It was mildly amusing, but incredibly blowing-own-trumpet-like.

4.03 in the pm

Tala has just burst in, looking rather annoyed.

Kai is behind him, looking quite amused.

Spencer is behind him, looking apathetic.

And Bryan is behind him… Looking, uh, _flustered_. And his fly is undone.

"MAX, YOU BASTARD!" Tala yells, and launches himself at me.

He grabs my neck, and I prepare myself to die at the hands of a homicidal, homosexual Russian. But it doesn't come. Instead, I am being TICKLED.

"Nooo… Haha, stop- hahahahaha, STOP IT! HAHAHAHAA! TALA, NOOOO!!!" I yell.

He's tickling my sides. My sides are the worst place to tickle. I might end up peeing myself in a minute.

… No, he's stopped. Wetting-one's-pants-nightmare-scenario avoided.

"So, Bryan," Tyson began, grinning as they all eventually trooped in. "How was… _Elaine_?"

Bryan went red.

"Erm… Yeah, she's… Nice," he mumbled.

Honestly, I don't want to hear or think about what they did. Elaine McFahrt is not a small lady, so imagining her having sex with her would… Kill me.

"Did you find her squish mitten?" Tala grinned.

Where is he getting all these names for 'vagina'? He is gay. He should not know so many names for 'vagina'.

"Well, it wasn't that hard to find, to be honest," Bryan said, shrugging.

Nooo… The images!

"Can we please talk about something else?" I asked.

"Like what?" Tala asked back.

All eyes are on me.

"Like the fact that Tyson's testicles have egos?" I suggested.

Everyone stared, and nodded, and Tyson got his balls out to show us how happy they were that everyone wanted them.

Erm…

Monday 21st April '08

Biology

9.34 in the am

Tala and Tyson are having some of the weirdest conversation this morning.

"Push your belly button right in with your finger," Tala commanded.

"Er, why?"

"Just do it!"

"Okay… Oh my God! It makes your bits vibrate!"

Everyone in the vicinity has just looked at our table.

Thank you, Tala and Tyson.

Lunch

You'll be glad to know that McFahrt has not joined us. I wouldn't be able to handle having to look at her across the table… The images from yesterday would come flooding back, and might make me puke.

"I can't decide whether I want a little boy or a little girl," Tyson said, shovelling some cottage pie into his mouth.

"I would ask what Miguel or Brooklyn want… But I suppose they're too busy fighting each other to think about it," I said.

Tyson nodded, and looked sadly at his bump.

I want to hug him. But Kai got there first.

"It's okay, Tyson… If Brooklyn and Miguel are too busy fighting, then me and Tala will come and be surrogate Fathers."

We're all staring at him.

"I think the baby will be confused enough as it is, without having two _more_ people wanting to be it's Father," Bryan said.

"I want a baby," Kai said happily, rubbing Tyson's stomach.

"Er, Kai. Can you get off me, please?" Tyson asked nervously.

Kai did as he was asked, and sat back by Tala.

"So, Bryan… Have you and McFahrt decided whether you want a boy or a girl?" Tala asked, the evil grin back on his face.

"She's not pregnant, Tala," Bryan stated calmly.

"How do we know that?" Tyson also grinned, waggling his eyebrows.

"Because we used a condom, just like Spencer told me to."

NOOOOOOOOOO!

THE IMAGES!!!

7.30 in the pm

It's nice and… Quiet.

Room 101 is currently being occupied by me, Tyson, Mariam and Jeffers the hamster.

We are not doing much. Just wallowing in the peacefulness.

I could get used to this…

7.35 in the pm

Of course, it didn't have to last for long, did it?!?! For fuck's sake… Tala and has barged into our room with a very naked Kai.

"SOMETHING BAD HAS HAPPENED!" Tala shouted.

Kai shut the door behind him.

"What?" I asked apathetically.

"Why is Kai naked?" Tyson asked, only just looking up from his magazine.

At the wrong moment, Kai spotted something shiny on the floor, so he bent over to pick it up, and showed us all his… Glory hole. Thanks, Kai.

"Because we were going to have hot sexytime!" Tala said in a bit of a panic, looking really quite worried. "But Kai was chewing his favourite apple-flavoured bubble gum, and I started to undress him, and as soon as he was naked, he sat down, tried to blow a bubble, but the gum dropped into his crotch, and now it's stuck in his pubes! Look!"

Tala straightened Kai up, and span him around.

There was indeed a blob of green gum stuck in Kai's pubes.

I looked at Tala, who was sweating, and seemed to be hyperventilating a bit. Jesus Christ… I'm not seeing the emergency…

"And, erm… Why have you come to us?" Mariam asked nervously, obviously not sure if she wanted an answer.

"Why don't you just cut it out?" I suggested to Tala.

Tala stared at me.

"Why didn't I think of that?" I mumbled to himself. Me and Mariam rolled our eyes. Tyson was no longer interested and had gone back to reading his baby magazine. "Do you have any scissors?" Tala asked.

It was my turn to stare.

"You have your own," I said.

"Yes, but they are in our room, and I can't be bothered to go back next door to get them," Tala argued.

I sighed, and walked into the bathroom, picking up a pair of scissors I had seen in there earlier. I don't know why they are in there. As they are the type of scissors you use for paper… Hmm.. I handed them to Tala, who told Kai to stay still. He then began cutting out the gum out of Kai's pubes, and threw it into the bin once it was out.

"But now he has a bald patch," Tala said, standing back next to me, and tilting his head as he looked at Kai's pubes.

"He is also still naked," Mariam commented. "I've never particularly wanted to see Kai's… Bits… But now it seems I have. Involuntarily. And I think I've seen quite enough. Can you cover him up?"

Tala shook his head, and dragged Kai into the bathroom, locking the door behind them.

"If they have sex in there, I will not be happy!" Tyson said, looking over his magazine.

"You'd get turned on, though, wouldn't you?" Mariam giggle, poking her tongue out at Tyson.

"Maybe… But I wouldn't be happy that they were doing it in our bathroom."

He disappeared behind his magazine again, and me and Mariam stared at the bathroom door, wondering what on earth those two were doing in there.

8.00 in the pm

They have emerged… And Kai now has _no_ pubes. Tala's grinning, which leads me to believe that he's done something evil.

"Thanks for your help," Tala said as he and Kai left.

Just as they shut the door behind them, I distinctly heard Kai say, "Tala, I'm going to look like a plucked chicken! And be all stubbly when it grows back!"

Which leads me to believe…

I've run into the bathroom.

There are pubes belonging to Kai, stuck in my razor.

THE BASTARDS SHAVED KAI'S PUBES OFF WITH MY RAZOR!

* * *

A/N: I wasn't exactly in the right state of mind to write this… Not a happy bunny at all… And quite hungry. So I understand if you don't approve of it…

I just did a really evil laugh. Mwahahahahaha…

Review?


	19. The Internet Is For Porn

- Warnings: Cutey, fluffyness.

- A/N: "The internet is for porn, the internet is for porn, grab your dick and double click, for porn, porn, PORN!"

XD

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 19: The Internet Is For Porn**

Tuesday 22nd April '08

Breakfast

8.05 in the am

I am willing to forgive Tala and Kai for shaving Kai's pubes off with my razor. Only if they do me some favours. None of which I wish to be sexual in any way whatsoever.

"Am I willing to forgive you about using my razor for deeds I will not mention," I said to Kai and Tala, who just stared at me.

After a while, Tala opened his mouth, and I _thought_ he was going to say something stupid. But he just yawned. I rolled my eyes and carried on.

"Yes, I am willing to forgive you both, but first, you must do me some favours."

Kai yawned.

"First, you must both go and buy me a new razor."

They both yawned.

"And then, you must go on a date."

Tala stared, but Kai yawned. Why are they yawning at everything I say?! It's really annoying me.

"You're ordering them to go on a date?" Tyson asked, raising his eyebrows at me.

"Yes I am!" I exclaimed, standing up. "These two have not had a proper date, am I correct?! Yes, of course I'm correct, because Max Tate, who is, ah! ME! Is always right!"

Everyone in the vicinity stared at me, and so I sat down, a little embarrassed.

"He is right, actually. We have never been on a proper date," Tala said, putting his finger to his lips and looking thoughtful.

"Oooh, a date," Kai giggled.

"Alright, Maxie. A date and a new razor? We can buy your new razor whilst we're out on our date!" Tala said, pointing at me and standing up.

There is no need for that.

But at least they're buying me a new razor!

Biology

10.15 in the am

I am beginning to enjoy this lesson. Maybe it's just that my mind is in a relaxed state… Maybe I'm just mad?

I'm not as mad as Tala and Kai, though.

They have propped mine and Tyson's feet up onto chairs next to them, whipped off our shoes and socks, and are giving us foot massages. Tala even had lotion in his man-bag. Which is worrying.

I dread to think what else this lotion has been used for.

"Umm, boys… Do you think you could… Not… Give foot massages in class, please?" the nervous teacher said nervously from the front of the class.

I wonder why she is so nervous when she speaks to us? It's not like we're going to bite her, or whip our penises out and-

I'll stop right there.

3.30 in the pm

Room 101

Tala and Kai are next door, getting ready for their date. Me, Mariam and Tyson are in here, getting our disguises ready to follow them.

Though, no matter how much Tyson tries to disguise himself, he still sticks out like an erect penis.

Bryan and Spencer politely declined to "watch this sickening act of manlove", as Bryan put it. We asked him how far he'd gotten with McFahrt. He left.

So, here we are, disguising ourselves badly, for something that is bound to be very cute. Or quite disgusting. I beg to God or whoever that Kai and Tala do not try to have sexytime in a public place. Like on a bench in the park.

They'd be arrested.

And then we'd have to bail them out.

With money borrowed from Kai in the first place.

3.35 in the pm

I don't know why this involves me wearing a pair of tights and one of Mariam's skirts, though.

Why am I being disguised as a woman?!

A minute later

So is Tyson, actually.

Only, he doesn't need to wear tights, because he shaves his legs, anyway.

A minute later

Mariam is wearing a moustache.

Enough said.

Out In Town Following Kai and Tala

4.15 in the pm

So far, they have gone into Boots and bought me a new razor. Am I happy about this? Well, I would be, if it wasn't a woman's razor they had bought me.

It is pink.

They don't know this, but I am already plotting the best way to kill them.

4.30 in the pm

Now we are all trundling through the park. Kai and Tala some twenty-five metres in front of me, Mariam and El Pregnanto here.

Tala and Kai are draped all over each other, and holding hands. It's quite sweet, really. The old ladies that pass by don't have looks of approval, but we do. It really is cute.

"Can't we join in?" I asked Mariam.

"No, you numpty. We're in disguise, remember?" she replied.

She is right. We are in disguise. And as good as our disguises are, it would still be very obvious that it's us if we're giggling and cuddling like Kai and Tala are right now.

4.34 in the pm

There is something horrific going on before our very eyes.

Tala is chasing squirrels.

A minute later

Tala is still chasing squirrels.

A minute later

Kai's laughter has turned to yells of horror as the squirrels are now chasing Tala.

This is more amusing than watching Tala chase the squirrels.

In a twisted sort of way.

5 minutes later

Oh my God… Huff, huff… Tala and Kai, huff, huff… Are running away, huff, huff, from the squirrels, huff, huff… But… Pant, pant… They are running in, huff, huff… OUR direction!

Huff.

At the school

5.01 in the pm

"Why were you following us?" Tala asked, as we pulled off our disguises (well, Mariam pulled off her moustache - I am not taking these tights off in the reception of the school in full view of everyone).

"We wanted to spy on the uber cuteness," Tyson replied.

"We got you a new razor, Max," Kai said, and handing the Boots bag to me.

I looked inside. There was the pink fucking razor.

"Gee, thanks," I said, rolling my eyes. Mariam giggled.

A minute later

"Why don't we have a group date?" Tyson suggested as we were trundling up the stairs to the dormitories.

"A group date?" I repeatedly nervously.

"What, like… In a group?" Tala asked.

"Obviously," Tyson replied, rolling his eyes. "We'll grab Spencer and Bryan, and McFahrt if we have to, and Lee… And one of the potential daddies… And go down to the river!"

"Not Lee," Tala scowled.

"But Lee is fun!" Tyson protested.

"He wears a mankini!"

"YOU wear an elephant thong!"

"It's not the same as a mankini, though!"

"May I interrupt and ask why only one of the potential daddies?" Mariam asked, her finger in the air for some reason that escapes me.

"Do you want another fight to break out?" Tyson said, raising his eyebrows.

"Point mad and taken… But won't the other one get jealous and pissed off that he wasn't invited?" Mariam pointed out, her finger still in the air.

"Yes, but whichever one it is will get over it, because I will present my arsehole to him when he least expects it!"

… Thanks for that, Tyson.

By The River

5.15 in the pm

We have dragged Lee, Miguel (who does not say a lot, to be honest), Spencer and Bryan (who was reluctant to tear himself away from his beloved Elaine - there was a lot of lip-smacking going on between them, before we eventually persuaded him to come… We think they were kissing, but she might have been sucking his face off) down to the river for half an hour or so.

This is so we don't miss tea.

Because we are all actually quite hungry.

Lee is wearing his mankini, and Tala is wearing his elephant thong. They are having an argument over which is sexier. Kai, of course, is taking Tala's side. The rest of us are staying at the sidelines.

Though, Spencer kind of insisted something else was sexier.

"Henry."

"Spencer, the hoover can't be sexy," Mariam said, raising her eyebrows.

"It can. He suck well."

"That's because it's a hoover. It's not sexy," I said. I already felt like we were losing this battle.

"I'll let him suck you, then you will see that he is sexy," Spencer persisted.

"Spencer… It is a hoover, not a 'he'. And it is not sexy, and it will not be attached to any part of me," I said, wanting to tear my hair out.

"He is a 'he'. He is called Henry. That therefore makes him a 'he'," Spencer said.

I can't handle anymore of this. Here was me thinking Spencer was the most normal out of the four Russians. I have now discovered that he is as bad as the rest of them.

He is in love with a hoover.

A few minutes later

"YOU COMPLETE ARSEHOLE! You got my thong wet!"

"YOU PUSHED ME IN THE RIVER!"

"That's because you insulted my elephant!"

"That's because you said mankinis are weird!"

"That because you said I was gay!"

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE!"

I sense a fight coming on.

4.53 in the pm

We are trooping back up to the school. Tala and Lee are completely soaked. Tala is nursing his… 'Poor elephant', as he put it. It apparently doesn't like water.

I think Tala has got a little bit attached to that elephant thong.

5.06 in the pm

Do you know what the advantage of having one of your friends 'dating' the headmistress of a school is?

The fact that you can get away with anything.

McFahrt is sat next to Bryan, both looking at each other all lovey-dovey-like. Tala is sat with us, in nothing but his soaking elephant thong, and Lee is also with us, in nothing but his mankini.

McFahrt just raised her eyebrows when she saw them. But said nothing.

Amazing. Simply amazing.

7.10 in the pm

Tyson is singing a song.

Do you want to know what he is singing?

Of course you do.

"The internet is for porn, the internet is for porn, grab your dick and double click, for porn, porn, porn!"

Do you want to know why he's singing that?

Of course you do.

It is because he is on his laptop, looking at porn. Obviously.

A minute later

"I'm going to Miguel's room. He just invited me over on MSN to watch porn with him," Tyson said, shutting his laptop and walking out.

Me and Mariam looked at each other and shrugged.

7.45 in the pm

"Tyson didn't say how long he was going to be," I said.

Mariam shrugged.

"He'll probably be there until morning. If they're going to watch porn, then you know what it'll lead to, and then they'll fall asleep."

She is right.

A minute later

I shuffled closer to Mariam, who was sat on my bed, reading a book. She looked up at me, and raised her eyebrows. I grinned.

"What?" she asked.

"You do realise that we have the whole room to ourselves for once?"

"Yeah, and?"

"Shall I put it bluntly?"

"Yes, please do."

"I have a hard-on and it wants you."

She turned a lovely shade of pink, but put her book down (well, threw it across the room onto Tyson's bed), and lay down on my bed. It was my turn to raise my eyebrows.

"TAKE ME!" she yelled dramatically.

I complied. I only had to hope that Tala and Kai hadn't heard.

8.05 in the pm

I like sex.

:)

* * *

AN: MarianQ - I had to go back and read through this chapter because I kept slipping into MSN speak! *Shakes fist* I'd actually written quite a bit of it in MSN speak… Grr.

If anyone has any ideas about what stupid things they could do in later chapters, could you leave some suggestions? Lmao, I'm running out of ideas!

Ahem.

:D


	20. TALA! DON’T PUT IT ON MAXIMUM VIBRATE!

+ Warnings: Arguments, evil Emily, sexytime in the shower, a video of said sexytime, and other videos of gay sexytime. Heh.

+ A/N: I am most unamused. Which apparently isn't even a word. Bam has just ripped a load of my wallpaper off. The little fucker.

I just opened my window, because I was really warm, but now I'm really cold :S How bizarre…

Good Lord… We've reached chapter 20...

O.O

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 20: TALA! DON'T PUT IT ON MAXIMUM VIBRATE!**

Wednesday 23rd April '08

8.15 in the am

You know those times that we seem to have, when everyone is not saying anything, but our eyes are darting back and forth from each other? We are having one of those moments right now. We seem to have a lot of them, if I'm being honest…

Which I am.

A minute later

Of course, you might want to know why we're having one of these little moments again. Well… First, Miguel sidled up to the table, somewhat shiftily, knowing that Brooklyn was probably watching him from a far corner somewhere, and he then launched himself at Tyson.

They sat there for a while, just cuddling. Which was quite sweet.

And then Brooklyn waltzed over.

And he pushed Miguel off of Tyson, and glomped Tyson himself. Tyson looked very pleased at all the attention he was getting.

But Miguel glomped back onto Tyson, and so now we are here, and both Miguel and Brooklyn are now glomped onto Tyson.

And this is why we are doing our shifty eyes thing.

A minute later

At least McFahrt isn't with us.

Lunch

12.08 in the pm

All day, Miguel has done nothing but follow Tyson around like some lost puppy. Tyson seriously has the two potential daddies wrapped around his little finger. He is loving the attention.

As you can probably imagine.

Currently, Miguel is feeding Tyson whilst rubbing the bump. None of us actually know what to say. Maybe we should mention something about the fact that we can see Brooklyn storming over, looking completely enraged?

Nah.

He might attack Tyson, and make him go into labour. And that will provide some entertainment.

Haha.

A minute later

Brooklyn and his anger have arrived.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Tyson? You ditched Miguel for me, so explain to me why you're fucking being all lovey-dovey with him?!"

I get the inkling that Brooklyn is not very happy.

I wonder if he needs another 'Sack, Back and Crack' done?

Eww.

"Well, you're hardly ever around, Brooklyn! You always fuck off somewhere, and only ever come back if Miguel's around me!" Tyson yelled back. A valid point the makes.

"Yeah!" Miguel shouted.

… Is that really all he has to say on the matter?

"That's because you seem to be doing fine on your own! You don't need him hanging around you!" Brooklyn yelled.

"Well, maybe I _look_ as though I'm doing okay! But maybe I'm not and that's why Miguel hangs around!" Tyson shouted back.

"Yeah!" Miguel shouted.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS SHOUTING?!" McFahrt yelled from the doorway of the canteen.

We all looked over at her, and she stomped her way over to us.

"Hello Elaine," Bryan said cheerily, once she was next to us.

"My office, Bryan," McFahrt said, and they both tottered off to her office. McFahrt seemed to have forgotten the reason why she came over to our table. She has been distracted by Bryan! Yuuussss!!!

A minute later

On the other hand, images of what they might be doing up in her office are worming their way into my head again.

Eww…

3.30 in the pm

Miguel is still following Tyson around… Me and Mariam are now just accepting it and ignoring it. Brooklyn eventually went away at lunch. Probably to go and eat some pigeons.

Tala and Kai are unusually quiet today… I have no idea what's wrong with them. Maybe they're a bit jealous that they're not the ones being stared at for their lovey-doveyness.

It wouldn't surprise me.

They are behind Tyson and Miguel, with me and Mariam behind them. Poor Tala and Kai look all pouty. Yup, they are definitely jealous that the attention is not on them. Attention-seeking bastards.

5 minutes later

Still trundling up to Room 101. It is taking us longer than normal, because Miguel and Tyson are still trying to hug whilst walking. And we all know that that doesn't work very well…

Tala and Kai are both looking as though they're walking with pineapples shoved up their arses. What's that all about?

"Tala… Kai… Why are you both walking like you've got pineapples up your arses?" I asked, desperate to try and get them talking.

"Well, we bought these remote-controlled vibrators, you see…" Tala began.

On second thoughts, I REALLY don't want to know.

"… And we've just switched them on with these little remotes," Tala continued, taking one out of his pocket, and Kai took one out of his own pocket. They were tiny remotes with three buttons on.

"They vibrate a lot… I swear it's tickling my bladder," Kai giggled.

That is information I didn't need to know.

A minute later

Tyson and Miguel are taking so long to walk up these fucking stairs, that there is a long line of other students behind us, all complaining. Unfortunately, Emily is right behind me and Mariam.

So is Lee.

He is wearing just his mankini again.

I wonder if he ever actually washes that thing…

"What are they doing up there?!" Lee complained.

"Hugging," Mariam replied.

"Shall I string them up with my mankini?" Lee asked, beginning to take it off.

"NO!" Me and Mariam shouted at the same time.

Lee pouted, and put his arm back through the mankini. Me and Mariam breathed a sigh of relief.

"NO, TALA! DON'T PUT IT ON MAXIMUM VIBRATE! AHHHHH!"

I'm really wishing I didn't have my face behind Kai's huge arse right now.

A minute later

MARIAM HAS BEEN BRUTALLY ATTACKED!

BRUTALLY ATTACKED I SAAAAY!!

Emily, the sneaky, conniving, huge-bespectacled BITCH has brutally attacked Mariam with eggs and flour! WHERE THE HELL WAS SHE KEEPING THESE EGGS AND FLOUR?

IN HER BAAAAG?

IN THAT CASE, WHO THE FUCK CARRIES AROUND EGGS AND FLOUR IN THEIR BAAAG?

A minute later

Luckily, there was a normal teacher in the queue behind us, and so she saw the whole thing. Emily got detention for being a bitch. But Lee didn't get detention for trying to strip. Maybe he's fucking the teachers, too?

A minute later

"Hey guys," Tyson began, turning around. His eyes widened when he saw Tala and Kai looking quite… Pleasured, me looking annoyed, Mariam covered in egg and flour, and everyone behind us looking bored and annoyed. "Why is everyone following us?"

"Because you're being too fucking slow," I said, wanting to shake him by the throat.

"Well, me and Miguel are going to go to Miguel's room," Tyson said, grinning. Miguel also grinned.

Me and Mariam rolled our eyes, and let them go on their merry way. Me, Mariam, Tala and Kai continued our way to our rooms, as the people behind us all breathed a sigh of relief that they could finally get somewhere.

4.00 in the pm

Tala and Kai have retreated to their own room.

They were doing a lot of panting.

4.03 in the pm

"I'm going to take a shower. Get all of this fucking egg and flour out of my hair," Mariam said, scratching her head.

I don't know why Emily always aims for the upper part of Mariam's body. This is the second time she has attacked Mariam's hair.

"Need me to wash behind your ears?" I asked, waggling my eyebrows at her.

She giggled and nodded.

As we went into the bathroom and closed the door behind us, I heard the bedroom door being opened and closed. I assume that it's Tyson, picking up one of his baby magazines for him and Miguel to read.

Me and Mariam hop into the shower together, both completely naked I might add, and it does start off innocently. We washed all the shit out of her hair, and then… I got an erection.

I am sorry, but I see that body of Mariam's and it just gives me a hard-on, alright?!

4.07 in the pm

Sex in a shower is so much better than sex in a bed.

A minute later

Me and Mariam have just gotten out of the shower.

We are naked, and dripping wet.

We are staring at Tala and Kai, who are stood in the doorway of the bathroom, both giggling and holding a video camera.

THE BASTARDS!

5 minutes later

Me and Mariam have thrown our clothes on in record time, and we are now chasing Tala and Kai around the fucking school. They are still holding the video camera. How much of our sexytime they actually managed to catch on camera, though, I don't know. I also have no idea how they managed to see anything, because the shower curtain was drawn…

There was still the moaning, though.

Me and Mariam do an awful lot of moaning.

5 minutes later

We are now banging on Tala and Kai's door.

They WILL hand over that video camera.

A minute later

Kai has opened the door.

"Kai, give us that camera," Mariam said angrily, holding her hand out.

Kai didn't reply, but pulled us both into the room. He made us both sit on his bed (we were careful not to sit in the patch of dried cum in the shape of a seahorse), and we raised our eyebrows at him.

"Do you want to watch some of mine and Tala's sex tapes?" he asked.

"No," Mariam replied. "Just give us that video camera."

That's a thought, actually… Where is Tala?

Oh, talk of his royal horniness, he has just come out of the bathroom.

"Sorry, I was just having a piss," he said.

Nice.

"We will give you your sex tape if you watch one of ours," Tala said.

"What sort of deal is that?" I asked, my eyebrows raised again.

"We want to know if we'll make good porn stars," Tala replied, wrapping his arm around Kai's shoulders and grinning.

5 minutes later

Me and Mariam are sat watching a video of Kai and Tala having sex.

…

I do not know what to make of this situation.

4.50 in the pm

…

The sex tape is over, but now Tala is playing the one of me and Mariam in the shower. I am not happy about this, because he is making comments.

"Oh yes, this is where Mariam did a really loud squeal, because you were pounding into her yippee bog."

Kai giggled.

Me and Mariam glared.

"What's with that look?" Tala asked, raising his eyebrows at me. "We all know you love her bitch wrinkle."

I am going to punch him in a minute.

5 minutes later

Me and Mariam have successfully got our 'sex tape' away from Tala and Kai. God only knows what embarrassment they'd cause if they still had it…

"So, Max. Do you want to power drill your quiver bone in my bitch wrinkle again?" Mariam asked, poking her tongue out at me.

That is an offer I cannot refuse.

* * *

A/N: OMG! I have just been reminded of something… The cleaning company who send a cleaner to come clean the Tesco Express I work in (how many times did I include the word 'clean' in that sentence? ROFL)… Well, they use a HENRY HOOVER!

:O

This bloke was using it on the mat in front of the door, and I looked down at the hoover… And there was Henry's smiley face. I burst out laughing. I got some odd looks. LOL.

I wasn't feeling the hilariousnosity during this chapter :(

'Yippee bog' and 'bitch wrinkle' are more names for 'vagina'. 'Quiver bone' is obviously penis. I thank The Bloodhound Gang for these. Haha.

Review?


	21. But My Penis Is A Very Good Model!

+ Warnings: Nude picture-taking, a proposal…

+ A/N: I'm slowly losing the will to live… I have so many stories to plan and write, that I fear that I'll never get them done. I need lots of time off work to get them done, I think… Too bad I don't have any weeks off until the end of May… Boo.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 21: But My Penis Is A Very Good Model!**

Thursday 24th April '08

7.30 in the am

I was rudely awoken by something wet and slimy going across my cheek, this morning. You might be thinking, 'oh, Mariam's licked him' or something.

You are wrong if you are thinking that.

The wet and slimy thing was Tyson's penis.

A minute later

I don't want to know why it was wet and slimy. It just doesn't bear thinking about.

A minute later

I nearly chopped it off once I was up. Tyson was laughing like mad, but I was not amused.

Breakfast

8.05 in the am

Someone please explain to me WHY we've been given gravy as breakfast by the dinner ladies. I didn't want gravy. I wanted Coco Pops. Though, I suppose they're the same colour…

Tyson is happily slurping on his.

The rest of us are kind of staring at our bowls of gravy, and then at each other in a kind of 'what the fuck are the dinner ladies thinking' kind of way.

This is one of those times we could do with McFahrt sitting at our table, so we can complain to her about the shittiness of the school meals. As it is, she is not with us today. "Elaine's got some parents coming in early to see the school," Bryan had said.

'Elaine'.

Honestly.

It makes me sick.

A minute later

I might be wrong. It might just be these 'meals' that are making me sick…

Art

9.50 in the am

Lawks a mercy! A class that isn't Biology! Haha.

A minute later

Kai is doing something most peculiar. Well, not as peculiar as some of the other things he has done in the past, but still pretty odd.

He is sat on Tala's lap (I'd love to know how they get away with this shit in class…), and he keeps randomly wiggling. It makes Tala moan, so Kai stops. Then Tala stops moaning, so Kai starts wiggling again.

It's very distracting.

Which is bad, as the teacher is trying to explain to us how the very expensive, high-tech digital cameras that cost about £1000 to replace work…

I will not be held responsible if any of the cameras get broke.

A minute later

"Kai! Will you stop wiggling on me! You've given me a hard-on!"

Oh yeah, Tala. Because _that_ was discreet…

5 minutes later

The teacher has handed out the very expensive, high-tech digital cameras that cost about £1000 to replace out to groups… Guess who I'm sharing one with?

You are probably correct.

Tyson, Mariam (I have a class with her!), Tala, Kai and… Lee.

Lee is wearing clothes.

5 minutes later

"WE SHOULD TAKE PICTURES OF TALA'S ERECTION!" Kai yelled.

"No, Kai. We really shouldn't," Mariam sat, patting him on the head.

"Why not?" Tala piped up, getting ready to unzip his fly.

"Because I don't think that's what the teacher is looking for…" I said.

"But my penis is a very good model!"

"We're not saying it isn't a good penis or whatever, we're just saying that the teacher might not appreciate it!" Mariam insisted.

A very bad thing has happened. Kai has snatched the camera out of my capable hands, Tala has got his erection out, and Kai is now taking close-up shots of it. The poor teacher…

"We should all get naked!" Kai said excitedly.

"NO!" me, Mariam and Tyson shouted at the same time.

Lee said nothing but started to undress.

He would.

A minute later

HE IS WEARING THAT BLASTED MANKINI AGAIN!

Seriously, does he never take it off?!

5 minutes later

"Lee, do a dramatic pose! Put your leg up on the chair, your hands on your hips, and puff your chest out!" Tala demanded, snatching the camera from Kai's grasp.

Lee did so.

Oh my God.

"Lee, I'd put your leg down if I were you," I advised him.

"Yeah, man. Your balls are hanging out," Tyson said, rubbing his bump. "And baby does not approve."

"Baby can't see them, so it's okay," Lee said, keeping his leg up on the chair, puffing his chest out some more, and leaving his balls dangling.

Mariam has her back turned.

The poor girl has been traumatised.

A minute later

"Spread your legs a bit, Lee!" Tala said.

"No, don't!" Mariam squealed.

"Rub your nipples!" Kai giggled.

"Why have these turned into porn shots?!" I yelled.

The whole class is watching us.

"Because I am a sexy beast," Lee replied to me, scratching his balls. Eww.

"Okay, okay. Tyson, let's take pictures of your bump!" Kai said excitedly, yanking up Tyson's t-shirt.

I suppose that isn't so bad…

2 minutes later

This is no longer photographing art. This has turned into photographing random shit. Kai and Tala have taken a picture of all our feet, there's one shot of up Kai's nose, there's a shot of my ear, a shot of Mariam's eyes, a shot of Tyson's left nipple, and a shot of Kai's arse.

Needless to say, his arse has taken up the whole shot.

Because it is huge.

10.30 in the am

The teacher is projecting our photos onto the white screen thing.

You have no idea how odd it is to see my ear enlarged, and up on a big screen.

But this also shows how big Kai's butt is.

A minute later

Oh God.

Tala's erection is showing up there, now.

The teacher is staring at it.

"Hands off, bitch," Kai growled under his breath.

A minute later

Now she's flicking through all the photos of Lee in his mankini.

"These are very nice boys. A very good example of live models," the teacher said, 'accidentally' returning to the picture of Tala's erection.

"'Boys'? Is she forgetting I have boobs and a vagina?" Mariam hissed under _her_ breath.

"Nicely put," Lee muttered back, now fully dressed again.

"I wish she'd stop staring at my penis," Tala frowned. "It's getting awfully uncomfortable for me."

Lunch

12.06 in the pm

The dinner ladies have given us gravy for lunch… Are they on a budget or something? Only Kai seems remotely excited about the gravy.

"I'M A GRAVY DINOSAUR! RAWR!" he shouted, jumping up, and flicking a spoonful of gravy at the back of Johnny's head.

"HIWATARI! You'll fucking pay for that!" Johnny yelled, standing up, and launching his bowlful of gravy at Kai, who ducked so it hit Lee in the face (he was just turning around from the next table to see what was going on), causing him to strip down to his mankini, and throw his gravy at Johnny, who ducked so it hit Oliver who was opposite.

Oliver didn't retaliate.

He just cried.

"Why do you start these things, Kai?" Mariam asked exasperatedly.

"Because it's fun," Kai replied, shrugging.

"Hello," a squeaky voice said.

We all looked up, expecting to see Kenny returning from the dead or something.

Imagine our surprise when we saw it was actually Bryan who had turned squeaky. He looked very pale, too. As though he was about to throw up.

"What's the matter with you?" Tala asked him.

"Nervous," he replied, looking down into his bowl of gravy.

"Where's Spencer?" Tyson asked Bryan.

Bryan shrugged.

"Oh, didn't we tell you? Spencer ditched us today for Emily," Tala piped up. "He said that she's 'a very intellectual person, with a great personality, and a charming smile' and that he 'wanted to get to know her, because she seemed like a great person who seemed to share an interest in Henry'. His words. Not mine."

"She's a bitch," I growled.

"She is," Mariam nodded.

"Spencer seems to like her," Tala shrugged, feeding a spoonful of gravy to Kai.

Me and Mariam exchanged dark glances.

5 minutes later

McFahrt has arrived, and we all decided to launch into a rant about the gravy.

"Elai- Mrs. McFahrt! Are you a Mrs or a Miss? Who cares… Why are the dinner ladies giving us gravy?!" Tyson shouted.

"McFahrt… They gave us gravy for breakfast," I said.

"ELAINE! ELAINE! I FUCKING KNOW YOUR FIRST NAME, ELAINE!" Kai yelled happily.

"Will you all calm the fuck down?!" McFahrt said a bit stroppily, plonking her fat arse next to Bryan. Surely she can't say that? "The dinner ladies had too much gravy delivered, so they're trying to get rid of it."

Too much delivered?

Why do they order gravy in the first place? Can't they just make it themselves?

And where do they order their gravy from?

'It's All Groovy Gravy'?

Why am I thinking about this?

A minute later

An odd thing is occurring before my very eyes.

And no, it's not Tyson giving birth. Though, I really wish he would. He looks as though he's about to burst.

But back to the current oddity.

Bryan has gotten down on one knee.

Bryan has pulled a little box out of his pocket.

Everyone is watching him…

Is he going to ask what I think he's going to ask?

A minute later

"Elaine, will you marry me?"

WHAAAT?!

Everyone stared at each other in shock.

"You can't ask me that! I'm your head teacher!" McFahrt replied, but looking very pleased and very red., and staring at the sparkly ring being held out to her.

"So what? It does stop me from banging into you hard and fast, just the way you like it," Bryan replied.

Please God, no images.

Please.

No images.

Please.

PLEASE!

… I fucking hate you, God.

"So, will you marry me?" Bryan re-asked his question, and tilting his head so that it almost looking cute.

"Of course I'll marry you, you fucking mad, Russian psychopath!" McFahrt replied.

The rest of the canteen burst into applause, as our table watched on in shock as Bryan slipped the sparkly ring onto McFahrt's fingers, and they snogged.

Eww… They're snogging.

* * *

A/N: Fucking Hell…

Wasn't that sweet? XD


	22. I Salute Kai And Tala’s Penises

**+ Warnings: DEATH!**

**+ A/N: May I enquire as to why ff(dot)net keeps BREAKING?!**

**

* * *

**

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 22: I Salute Kai And Tala's Penises**

Saturday 26th April '08

7.15 in the am

HOLY FUCKING SCHNIZZPOD!

A minute later

I just woke up, feeling a great pressure on my chest, and I thought I was dying. But I opened my eyes to find TALA SITTING ON ME! He was grinning, and I tried to wheeze at him to get the Hell off of me. He did, and then pointed at Tyson's bed and laughed.

A minute later

Kai is sat on Tyson's bump.

"IT'S LIKE JELLY!" Kai laughed, wobbling around.

"GET THE FUCK OFF, KAI! YOU'LL MAKE ME GOING INTO LABOUR!"

"How do they have so much energy at this time in the morning?" Mariam groaned, rolling back over in my bed, so her face was mashed into the pillow.

"I really don't want to know… It could involve something illegal," I mumbled back, also snuggling back down into the warm of my duvet.

5 minutes later

Are we never to be left alone?

Kai has just plonked his fat arse onto my face. But now has waddled off to shoot silly string at Tyson with Tala.

I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE!

HIS VOLUMINOUS PURPLE BUTT WAS ON MY FACE!

I COULDN'T BREATHE!

A minute later

We have all given in to the fact that Tala and Kai are not going to go away, and so we are now all sat up in the beds. Actually, we're all just sat up in my bed. Including Tyson. We're all very cramped, and there's a nightmare of tangled legs going on in the middle of the bed…

But at least I'm still warm.

A minute later

There is something furry lying on my foot.

30 seconds later

Like, animal furry.

30 seconds later

IT'S EATING MY TOES!

A minute later

"Bam, don't eat those cheesy digits, they'll make you sick," Kai said, pulling the cat out from under the duvet.

"When and how did that thing get into the bed?" I asked grumpily. My toes are sore.

"It is not a thing, it is a cat. A hungry cat," Kai said, patting Bam on the head.

"Well, why don't you feed it, then?"

"Because I know he'll just eat something by himself. It just happened to be your toes, this time."

Grr to you, Kai!

7.45 in the am

"Yo, dudes!" a voice said, it's owner bursting through the door.

Lee is standing there.

In his mankini, of course.

"Lee… How did you get in?" I asked, becoming _quite_ annoyed that all our 'friends' just let themselves into this room that is not theirs.

"Well, I pushed the handle down and opened the door," Lee shrugged, stepping into the room and shutting the door. "I brought this spare key along, though, just in case the door was locked."

I stared at Kai and Tala.

They twiddled their thumbs innocently.

Innocent my arse.

5 minutes later

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!

Lee, Tala and Kai have spray-paint!

THEY ARE SPRAY-PAINTING OBSCENITIES ON OUR WALLS!

"TALA, I DO NOT WANT THE WORD 'PENIS' WRITTEN ABOVE MY BED!" I yelled, trying to pull twiggy away.

"We're redecorating!" Tala cried happily, drawing a penis next to the word 'penis', just in case no one knows what a penis looks like.

"LOVE MUFFIN!" Kai cried happily, drawing a vagina next to the penis Tala drew.

5 minutes later

… That is a very realistic vagina.

We are all looking at Kai in awe.

"How come you have managed to spray-paint a vagina so well?" Tyson asked.

"It's very detailed," Mariam said, tilting her head at it.

Why are we all staring at this giant vagina?

"Do you want to see how I draw my floppy arseholes next?" Kai asked, grinning.

"No, thanks," I replied.

"Hey look, guys!" Lee called from the other side of the room. Damn, we'd been ignoring him. God knows what he's done… "I've drawn a life-size picture of myself!"

He really has.

"I think the dangly balls give it a nice touch," Tyson said.

"Yeah… I drew my lumpy penis a bit bigger than it actually is, because who wouldn't want a bigger cock?" Lee replied.

Tala looked at Kai.

Kai looked at his own crotch.

8.05 in the am

Breakfast!

I am relieved to see that we do not have gravy for breakfast today. We had it yesterday, too… But today, we just have toast. But there is no butter, because the dinner ladies said they'd used it to grease their bodies down.

We didn't question them any further.

"Hey, guess what I heard?" Tala said, as we all sat down at our table.

"That ducks have teeth?" Tyson asked.

"No. That a new club is opening up in town tonight. We should go!"

"No. We really shouldn't," I said.

"Why not?"

"Because we are us. If you know what I mean."

"Maximus Tateus makes a valid point," Johnny interrupted, spinning around from the table behind us. "You are all fucking loonies, and belong in a mental institution."

"Who asked you, Gravy Granules? Go back to licking Robert's arse," Kai said, glaring at Johnny, who did turn back around.

I get the funny feeling that Kai does not like Johnny.

"Bryan wants to go to the new club, don't you Bryan?" Tala said, as Bryan and his fiancée sat down, both looking exhausted, sweaty and… As though they've been fucking for a long period of time.

"Not really. Me and Elaine need to consummate our engagement," Bryan said.

Please. No images.

"You got engaged two days ago," Tala raised his eyebrow.

"Well… We need to continue consummating our engagement, then, like we have been for the past two days."

NOOO!

"Valkov, partying is against the rules," McFahrt said, buttering her toast. HEY! WHERE THE HELL HAS SHE GOT THAT BUTTER FROM?!

"So is sexual contact with teachers and students, but you two don't seem to care," Tala replied, shrugging his shoulders. "Anyway… Who is coming to the new club tonight, then?"

Not me.

"I will!" Kai said, waving his arms happily in the air. He would.

"I'm pregnant." Tyson said. "Therefore, I can't really."

"We shall just let you have Coca Cola or lemonade," Tala said.

"I'm in, then," Tyson grinned.

"Mariam?" Tala asked, waggling his eyebrows at her.

Stop waggling your eyebrows at her, you… Stick… Airplane… Thing.

"Sure, why not?" she giggled.

TRAITOR!

"I'll come! In more ways than one!" Lee shouted from the table next to us.

He's not actually sat with anyone.

He's just sat on his own at the next table.

This is purely because McFahrt takes up too much room.

"Maaaaax?" everyone asked me, staring with their eyes…

Talk about peer pressure.

"Fine… I'm in," I sighed.

Tala and Kai let out a loud cheer, and began doing a little boogie thing. They seemed to have returned to normal. Well, mad. You know what I mean.

10.04 in the am

Mariam is getting ready to go out.

Already.

Why do girls need hours to get ready?!

A minute later

Then again… Tyson is also getting ready.

A minute later

But that is because he is very forgetful, and if he doesn't start getting ready now, he will not remember to do anything later.

A minute later

And also because he is part woman.

9.19 in the pm

BIIIIIIG jump forward, I know. But I have been asleep. Watching two people getting ready is just so boring.

However! We are now ALL ready, and are walking to the club!

A minute later

We all have our arms linked so we're in one big line. This is not good, as there is 6 of us, and anyone walking towards us has to walk in the road to get past.

As we are not breaking our linksies. Oh no.

A minute later

This does make us all look really gay.

Which is okay.

As three of us are.

Arguing With The Bouncers Outside The Club

9.30 in the pm

"You are all quite clearly underage, so fuck off!" one bald bouncer said.

"I'm not underage!" Tala protested. "I can have sex quite legally, thank you!"

Er… I think Tala's thinking the wrong sort of underage.

"Look, none of you seem old enough to get into this club, so why don't you run off home?" the other bouncer said.

"Mr. Bouncy Man," Kai piped up. God help us all. "Do you like penises?"

NO, NO, NO, NO KAI! THAT IS NOT GOING TO GET US IN!

"What makes it so obvious?" the nicer, less bald bouncer replied.

What?

"Gaydar," Kai said, nodding.

"We can show you some penises, if you like," Tala whispered seductively.

Even the bald bouncer seemed to be interested now.

Mariam, Tyson, Lee and I turned around as Tala and Kai got their todgers out for the bouncers.

A minute later

WE HAVE BEEN LET IN!

FREE OF CHARGE!

I salute Kai and Tala's penises. And their gayness.

9.45 in the pm

We have just had to witness Lee stripping (already). He has been manhandled out of the club. We've only been in here about 15 minutes!! That boy is an embarrassment to mankind.

A minute later

Furrykind, sorry.

5 minutes later

"I need me some alcohol," Tyson said.

"You are pregnant," I reminded him.

"I do know this. I'm not just wearing this bump because I feel like it. That is why I am not having any alcohol, but I really want something that tastes of alcohol."

"Have a lemonade, and pretend it's got vodka in it."

"Good thinking, batman."

He made his way off to the bar.

A minute later

"Max, I need to pee!" Mariam squealed in my ear.

"Go to the bloody toilet, then!"

"Well, I would, but there are big scary girls stood inside there. Some of them are twice the size of Spencer!"

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Sneak me into the men's!"

Oh, she has got to be joking.

5 minutes later

Apparently, she wasn't joking.

Pretending to have a piss whilst you're waiting for your girlfriend to knock from inside one of the cubicles so you can sneak her out is not easy.

Especially as I don't need a piss.

So I am just stood here with my cock out for nothing.

On The Dancefloor… Dancing

10.25 in the pm

Tala and Kai are as drunk as McFahrts.

Can I use that expression anymore?

I think I can. Just not in her presence.

Anyway, they are drunk already, and we have still not been here that long. They must've been lurking at the bar until now, just downing drinks.

They are Russian. And I am not going to be hidebound, but the Russians do seem to have a high tolerance of alcohol. It is higher than Mariam's anyway. Who has declined alcohol, because she said she'd be 'flat on her back with her legs in the air after one gulp'.

I told her I wouldn't mind her in that position.

Trying to drag a very drunk Tala and Kai back to the school

10.56 in the pm

Did you know Lee's been sitting outside, waiting for us this entire time? No? Well, he has been. He was just sat on the edge of the pavement when we got out, just twiddling his thumbs. He said he didn't want to walk back to the school on his own, because he'd feel 'lonely'.

Bless his cotton socks.

The ones he isn't wearing.

Anyway, yes. We are leaving so early, because Tala and Kai were beginning to hump each other in the corner. So we dragged them away from the corner, to the dancefloor, where they got up onto the podium, and started humping the pole.

They are still trying to hump each other, now.

Tyson and Lee are holding Tala up, and Mariam and I are holding Kai up. Yet, they are still scrabbling to try and get to each other.

They are practically inseparable.

They are also making it impossible for everyone else to walk in a straight line.

Maybe their tolerance of alcohol wasn't as high as I thought it was.

A minute later

Kai has just got his foot stuck in a drain.

Tala is yelling as though Kai is dying or something.

A minute and a half later

We've got Kai's foot out of the drain, but Tala is still yelling.

He is yelling in Russian.

So we have no bloody idea what he's on about.

A minute later

"Why aren't anyyou helping Talakins?" Kai asked, looking up at me and Mariam.

"Because we can't understand a word he's saying," Mariam replied.

"Translation?" I asked Kai.

Kai listened to Tala yell.

"His pubes are stuck in his zip," Kai giggled.

Mariam and I looked at Tala's crotch.

There was indeed a hint of fireyness poking through the zipper.

"I thought Tala shaved his pubes off?" I asked Kai.

"I told him I likes firecrotches…"

Firecrotches?

A minute later

Lee and Tyson have removed Tala's trapped pubes, and he has finally stopped shouting.

Bursting into Room 101

11.30 in the pm

Tala and Kai have insisted that they sleep in our room tonight.

…

What is Spencer and Henry doing in here?

"Spencer… What are you and Henry doing in here?" I asked, pushing Kai onto my bed, where he just giggled.

"Hamster-sitting," Spencer replied dully, playing with Henry's tube.

I looked at Tyson.

"What? I didn't want to leave Jeffers all alone!" He said, flopping down onto his bed.

"Tyson… He is a hamster," I said.

"Hamsters have feelings, too!" Tyson said, frowning at me. And then frowning at Kai, obviously remembering that Kai's cat had eaten his first hamster.

"Dudes… Dudettes," Lee said, nodding at Tala, "I think I must go now… My planet needs me."

And he left.

He has not been his mad self tonight.

I think it's because he got kicked out of the club.

It's his own fault for stripping.

"I FOUND A PINEAPPLE!" Kai shouted, standing on my bed, and… Holding a pineapple.

Staring at Kai

30 seconds later

Where has he found that pineapple from?

30 seconds later

On second thoughts, I really don't want to know.

He probably pulled it out of his arse.

A minute later

POOR HENRY IS BEING HELD HOSTAGE!

Tala is holding Spencer back, and Kai has turned Henry on, and threatening him with the pineapple!

Poor Spencer is yelling at Kai to leave Henry alone.

I can see poor Henry going, "help meeeee".

Well, no. I can't. But I'm using my imagination.

A minute later

Mariam, Tyson and I are not going to try and intervene.

Tala and Kai could get very violent.

And Kai does have that pineapple.

A minute later

"Kai, I demand that you turn Henry off, and hand him back to me!" Spencer yelled.

I think that's the most I've ever heard him say.

"But Henry is horny! And Henry wants to suck!" Kai giggled.

The pineapple has been inserted into Henry's tube.

A minute later

Henry is not sounding good.

A minute later

Henry sound as though he's about to-

A minute later

- explode?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! HEEENRRRYYYYY!!!!!!!"

* * *

+ A/N: I am planning to draw practically all the characters from this story… Well, the main group, at least. I know I was planning to draw Tala and Lee, anyway, but I've thought that I could draw them all XD

Shame I can't draw too well :|

But I'll give it a good go.

I have just thought of the best pose for the three animals (Bibbet [RIP], Bam and Jeffers). I wish I'd stop thinking. It's doing my head in. XD

Bird melons.


	23. Boobies Are Scary

+ Warnings: Well… Everything you'd expect from a chapter that is belonging to Kai.

+ A/N: Back by popular demand! Kai's chapter! Okay, that was a lie XD It is back, but not by popular demand, lmfao.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 23: Boobies Are Scary**

Sunday 27th April '08

7.53 in the am

I AM BEING KIDNAPPED!

NOOOOOOOOOO!

7.54

The target 'Max Tate' has been caught, tied up, gagged, and been hidden under my bed.

I! KAI HIWATARI, AM NOW IN CHARGE!

MWAHAHAHA!

7.55

"Kai, sweetheart… Why is Max under your bed?"

"I kidnapped him, Tala! I FUCKING KIDNAPPED HIM!"

*Insert over-the-moon-grin here*

"Er… Why?"

"Because I wanted to write in his diary again!"

"You have your own."

"I know, but it's funnier to write in his!"

There is a pregnant pause between Tala and I…

And no, I do not mean that Tyson has just walked into the room.

"Sex?" Tala offered.

"Yes please," I replied.

7.59

"Tala, put your peni in me."

"Peni?"

"Yes, peni."

"Kai, I only have one cock."

"Put all of your peni in me. NOOOW!"

"You're not listening, are you?"

"PENIIIIIII!"

"God, Kai, you really know how to kill an erection."

"I am somewhat glad that your erection is dead, Tala. I didn't want to have to witness your sexytime," Max's voice said from under my bed.

WHO SAID HE COULD TAKE OUT HIS GAG?!

"Who said you could take out your gag?" I asked blondey angrily.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't particularly appreciate one of your mouldy, unwashed, smelly socks shoved in my mouth. I had to spit it out for my own health," Max replied. "Could you both please put some clothes back on?"

Tala and I obliged, and we put our underwear back on.

"How long are you planning to keep Max under the bed?" Tala asked me.

"As long as it takes for him to relinquish his diary," I replied evilly.

"NEVVVVEEERRR!" Max shouted from under the bed.

"THEN YOU WILL STAY UNDER THERE FOR ALL ETERNITY!"

"Kai, will you just untie me?!"

"No."

8.03

I have decided that I am hungry enough to attempt to eat the shit the dinner ladies are serving us today. Max was yelling something about him being hungry, too, but I ignored him and dragged Tala out of the room before he could attempt to help my kidnappee.

Breakfast

8.06

"Kai, have you seen Max?" Mariam asked me when I sat down at the table.

"No, I haven't," I replied innocently, shooting Tala a warning glance when Mariam looked away.

He will help me with my cunning plan… Otherwise I will eat his elephant thong.

8.07

I actually don't have a plan.

But I am letting Tala think I do have one.

So that he thinks that I have a brain.

8.07 and a half

Which I don't, but shh.

8.08

I just offended myself, didn't I?

8.08 and a half

"Where's Max?" Tyson asked.

Tala looked at me with his big, accusing eyes.

Stare at me all you want, elephant-thong lover. I am telling no one that Max is stashed away under my bed, and neither are you!

"Kai looks guilty," Bryan grinned evilly.

"Says the guy who looks as though he's stayed up all night fucking his headmistress," I replied.

It's true.

Bryan look like that right now.

"I bet you have Max stashed away in your room somewhere," Bryan said.

"I bet you have to battle through a rainforest of pubes to find McFahrt's vagina," I replied.

"Well, I bet you're secretly a merman!"

OH MY GOD! HOW DOES HE KNOW MY SECRET?!

Okay, I'm not actually a merman. But I aspire to be one. Because then I can be with all my seahorse friends…

"Well… Well… I BET YOU CAN'T KEEP AN ERECTION!"

"Oh yeah? I BET YOUR ARSEHOLE IS ALL FLAPPY!"

"YEAH?! WELL I BET THAT MCFAHRT DOESN'T REALLY LOVE YOU, AND THAT SHE'S ONLY USING YOU FOR THE SEX THAT SHE CAN'T GET FROM ANYONE ELSE!"

Bryan let out a dramatic gasp.

"WELL, I BET THAT TALA IS ONLY WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A HOLE FOR HIM TO FUCK!"

It was my turn to let out a dramatic gasp. I also saw Tala raise his eyebrow and shake his head out of the corner of my eye.

"THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR KUZNETSOV!" I yelled.

"WELL, SO WAS YOUR COMMENT ABOUT ELAINE!" Bryan yelled back at me.

"Erm, guys… I hate to interrupt, but we are trying to work out where Max has gone," Mariam said timidly, as though she was afraid of being shouted at.

I wouldn't shout at her.

She let me sleep in the same bed as her when me and Tala… Well… You know.

Also, Max would castrate me if I shouted at her.

The thing I like about Mariam is that she does not have big breasts. Like Mariah. Boobies are scary…

Talking of Max, I'd better take him some breakfast up. Because I am a kind kidnapper.

8.15

"Tala… You're not just with me because I'm a hole for you to fuck, are you?" I asked as we made our way back up to our room.

"Of course not. I'm with you because I love you, and because you're sweet, cute, sexy, occasionally smart and just generally fun."

I love him.

"And also because you are the best hole I've ever fucked."

I hate him sometimes.

8.16

On the other hand, this means I must exercise my arsehole to keep it… Perky.

Just the way Tala likes it.

8.16 and a half

Teehee.

A perky bumhole…

8.20

"Max! Because I am a kind kidnapper, I have brought to breakfast!" I exclaimed, bursting into mine and Tala's room.

"That's nice, but first can you let me use your bathroom? I'm in desperate need of a piss," Max replied, his blue eyes glinting pleadingly at me and Tala from under my bed.

I can't resist blue eyes.

It's why Tala has such a strong hold over me.

8.23

I have let Max up to go and have a pee. I have kept his feet tied together, though. Whilst he is in the bathroom, I am going to take Bam and go next door into Bryan and Spencer's room.

Neither of them are there.

So it's just lucky that I have a spare key to their room!

8.24

Tala questioned me as I left our room, asking me what I was doing. But I just laughed evilly, and now here I am. Stood in Bryan and Spencer's room.

Dead Henry is tucked in Spencer's bed.

It says 'RIP.' on the wall above.

I fear what Spencer is going to do as revenge.

8.26

Aha!

I have fished out Bryan's clothes from where has stashed them under his bed! The messy bastard.

Though… I'm sure this dress, size XXXXX Large, is not his.

Three guesses whose it could be?

8.26 and a half

I have put the dress back under the bed. It's only Bryan's clothes I want to violate.

I grab Bam, and he looks at me, and I look at him, and then point at the clothes. He nods at me in his kittykat way, and happily has a piss on Bryan's clothes.

And, just for good measure, he has a shit in Bryan's trousers, too.

Ooooh, Bryan's going to be so pissed.

I love it.

8.31

Max has emerged from the bathroom, and is now eating his breakfast that I, the Kind Kidnapper, have brought him. I grinned at Tala.

"What have you done?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Oh, nothing," I replied innocently. "I only got Bam to pee and poo on Bryan's clothes."

"You do know he'll probably put Mr. Twinkle Toes through the shredder or something in revenge?" Tala said.

"No if he can't find Mr. Twinkle Toes," I replied, hiding Mr. TT under my pillow. Bryan would never find him there!

"Can I go yet?" Max asked.

"Are you going to let me keep your diary?"

"No."

"Then no. You cannot go yet."

8.35

Max just tried to run for it. Of course, his feet are still tied up, so he only managed to fall flat on his face. Anyway, I have retied his hands behind his back and shoved him back under the bed.

"You are going to let him go eventually, aren't you?" Tala asked.

"Maybe."

"Because, you know, I don't want him dying under your bed… Or… Growing a beard and going all old and wrinkly. I'd have no idea how to explain that."

"I'll let him out when he starts to smell funny."

11.15

Me and Tala are walking around the school gardens, holding hands. I love our little moments like these ones. They make me HAPPY.

I have left Max upstairs under my bed. I am hoping that he won't kick against the wall. In fact, I made sure he would be able to by tying his legs to the legs of the bed. And I'm re-gagged him. WITH THREE SOCKS! Let him try and spit those out.

He will see things my way in the end.

"Oh my God," Tala said, breaking our silence.

Shut up, Tala. I want everything to be quiet so I can stare at you in peace.

"Is that Spencer… With EMILY?"

I looked at where Tala was pointing.

He was not wrong. That is Spencer. With Emily. Ex-girlfriend of Max, and evil superbitch.

"She's probably acting like a stand-in Henry," I said.

"I really don't need images of Emily giving Spencer a blowjob in my head, Kai."

"Sorry."

"I thought Spencer only had a love for anything that needed to be plugged in or needed batteries?"

"Maybe Emily has double-A's?" I said.

"Are you on about her breast size or batteries?"

"Do not mention boobies to me."

It was Tala's turn to apologise. "Sorry."

11.17

Tala and I are hid in a bush behind Spencer and Emily, wondering what they could possibly be talking about. Or what they could possibly be doing.

"Ugghh… Emily… Rub… Balls…"

"OHMIGAWD!" Tala exclaimed, but quietly. "SHE'S TOUCHING HIS MANLY BITS!"

"Oooh, Spencer… They're so hard."

"HE HAS HARD BALLS!" Tala exclaimed quietly again.

Is it possible to exclaim quietly?

"Emily… Roll them…"

"SHE'S ROLLING HIS BALLS!"

I'm sure Tala is going to explode in a minute.

"Spencer, they're so shiny and glassy… And have a fantastic pattern inside. You made these yourself?"

"THEY'RE ALL- what?" Tala stops mid-sentence.

"Yes, I did," we hear Spencer say.

"You have a real talent for making marbles," Emily says.

What?

Me and Tala look at each other.

Spencer makes marbles?

11.19

How long has he been making marbles for?

11.19 and a quarter

And why does he make marbles?

11.19 and a half

Maybe he's going to use them as weapons?

11.19 and three quarters

OH MY GOD! What if he's just practicing making them, and he's eventually going to make a giant one to kill me and Tala with, because we blew up Henry?!

11.20

WE HAVE TO HIDE!

11.35

Me and Tala have ran back up to our room for safety.

Not that it feels very safe.

As I can hear Bryan yelling from next door.

I'm assuming he's just found his clothes.

Teehee.

11.37

"So now what do we do?" Tala asked.

"You can fucking untie me, and let me return to my own room, where I can rant to Mariam about how I was brutally kidnapped!" Max yelled from under my bed.

He's bloody spat out his gag again!

"'Brutally kidnapped'?! I brought you breakfast!" I said to him, peering under the bed.

He does not look amused.

"I repeat, now what do we do?"

I looked thoughtful for a moment, before thinking of a brilliant idea.

"Let's re-enact Max and Mariam's wonderful shower sex scene!"

Tala's face lit up, and I heard Max groan from under the bed.

11.39

Hooray for nakedness!!! I'm completely starker's, and as hard as a rock.

"I thought you were re-enacting the shower scene? So why can't you fuck off to the shower?" Max said from under the bed.

"Shut up, Max! Can't you see I'm busy getting head!" I said angrily as Tala slurped his way around my penis.

Tala is the best cock sucker ever.

"Well, it's not something I need to see!" Max said.

"Don't look, then!" I replied.

"Or hear!"

"Shove the socks in your ears, then!"

"If your doing shower sex, then you need to be in the shower!"

"He does have a valid point," Tala piped up, detaching himself from my penis.

Teehee.

Penis.

11.41

I have dragged Tala into our bathroom, and now we are getting jiggy in the shower. The tiles are really cold, you know. They are having a massive effect on my nipples. As my nipples are pressed against the tiles.

My nipples are all hard.

This means, that I have THREE ERECTIONS!

11.41 and a half

"Tala, my arsehole isn't flappy, is it?"

I've become a bit worried that it is since Bryan mentioned earlier on this morning.

"Ahh… N-no… Uhhn… Naaaaice… And… Ahhh…" Tala replied, thrusting into me.

I suppose I should really be moaning, too.

Uuhhhh…. Ahhhh… Yess…

Oh wait.

I should be moaning out loud.

11.50

Sexytime is over.

Which is a shame.

11.50 and a half

Max is being incredibly quiet.

11.51

Max is not under my bed.

Uhhm… Where's he gone? I look and Tala, and he looks at me. So I continue to look at Tala, and he continues to look at me. And just as I'm about to look away from Tala, he points behind me.

I turn to see what he is looking at.

And there is Max.

Who does not look amused.

Then again, neither would I be if I'd been stashed away under a bed.

11.51 and a half

NOOOOO!!! HE BE STEALING HIS DIARY BACK! GERROFF!

"TALA! HELP MEEEE!" I yell at my boyfriend, who is just sat on his bed watching me and Max tug on this diary with mild amusement all over his face.

"Not a chance," he replies.

11.53 in the am

IT IS ME! THE NORMAL, LESS-GAY ONE!

MAX!

YUSSSSS!!!

I have managed to wrench my diary from Kai's grasp, and I have burst back into my own room, and am now leaning against the door to stop Kai from getting in. Do no ask how I managed to get the ropes from around my ankles and wrists. I had to do a Houdini.

"Where in the name of oversized testes have you been?" Mariam asked, frowning.

"You really don't want to know…" I replied, as a loud thud from behind the door suggested that Kai had just slammed into it.

Good. I hope he's knocked himself out.

* * *

A/N: Meh. Not as funny as some of the others, but at least it's FINALLY done XD


	24. I Love Sucking Cheerios Off My Nipples

+ Warnings: Erm… Nothing.

+ A/N: I has nothing to say! :O

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 24: I Love Sucking Cheerios Off My Nipples**

Monday 28th April '08

7.30 in the am

Kai is seriously going to pay for his brutal kidnapping of me yesterday. Seriously. I am not joking. Really. I am going to take Mr. Twinkle Toes hostage or something. I will draw on it's face. I will chop it's tail off.

Do seahorses have tails?

I will ask Kai.

When I'm not so angry with him.

7.35 in the am

"Max, let's do something fun today," Mariam said as we sat in bed, waiting for Tyson to wake up.

"Like what?"

"Let's have a 'Speak Like Yoda' day."

I looked at her.

She looked at me.

We grinned.

"A fabulous idea, that is!" I said.

I will not talk like Yoda when I am not speaking out loud, though.

I will probably just get confused.

A minute later

Get confused I would.

A minute later

Shut up, brain.

7.45 in the am

The beast in the pit over yonder has woken up. He looked utterly wankered. What's he been doing?

"I feel like I've had my head shoved up my own arse all night," he said.

I won't question how he knows what that would feel like.

"Look tired, you do," Mariam said.

"Look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards, you do," I agreed, nodding.

Tyson stared at us.

"Why in the name of God's Holy testicles are you speaking like Yoda?"

Breakfast

8.06 in the am

I am squinting at Kai, in that 'I am going to get you back, you little twatface' way. Kai is staring back in his 'get me back, and I'll just fuck you' way. Bryan is also squinting at Kai in a 'I'm going to eat your brains for letting your cat piss and shit all over my clothes' way.

Of course, I only know Kai did that, because he wrote it in my diary.

But let's not get too technical.

A minute later

"Yo," Lee said, sitting down at our table.

He's only able to sit with us because McFahrt is not here.

Something I'm sure Bryan is very depressed about.

"You know, I actually love sucking Cheerios off of my nipples," Lee said.

That is something we didn't really need to know about.

5 minutes later

Or see, for that matter.

8.25 in the am

"Max, I am very, very sorry I kidnapped you," Kai said.

He actually had tears in his eyes.

Do I dare to forgive him?

He did feed me breakfast, after all.

"Forgiven you are, Kai," I said.

At least I'm managing to stay with the Yoda-speak.

"Kidnap him again, and dead you will be," Mariam warned Kai.

"Tala, they're scaring me with their Yoda-talk," Kai said, gripping onto Tala's arm.

"I know. I'm half expecting them to shrink, turn green, and get pointy ears any minute now," Tala said.

"Funny you are not," I said, poking my tongue out at Tala.

"A shag from Elaine I do need," Bryan said, getting up and walking away.

Please.

Please, brain.

No images.

P.E.

10.20 in the am

We are running laps.

I hate running.

Then again, who actually LIKES running?

Other than the Russian girl that the author of this story speaks to.

Hahahaha.

Shut up, brain.

5 minutes later

I AM FINDING THIS EXTREMELY UNFAIR!

TYSON HAS MANAGED TO GET OUT OF RUNNING!

BY CLAIMING THAT HE IS PREGNANT!

A minute later

Well… He is pregnant.

But that is not the point.

HE MANAGED TO GET HIS PREGNANT ARSE OUT OF DOING IT!

Bastard.

A minute later

"Mr. P.E. teacher?" Kai's voice asked.

Surely 'Mr. P.E. teacher' has a name?

No?

Okay.

"Yes, Hiwatari?"

"I don't think I can run, either. My arse is too big."

AHAHAHAHAHA!

That is the best excuse not to run EVER!

I love Kai.

I really do.

You know, in a total non-gay, purely-friendly way.

"Hiwatari… Don't be gay. Get your arse on that track, now."

Oooh, burned.

5 minutes later

Pant… Pant.. Pant… Huff… Pant…

I hate running.

"Running is a load of bollocks," Mariam said, panting.

"Oi, you're supposed to be doing Yoda-speak," I pointed out.

"Fuck it."

Fair enough.

A minute later

"MY ARSE!"

The yell that I instantly knew had come from Kai's mouth has startled me so much, that I have tripped over and fallen flat on my face. Mariam helps me up, and we turn to see Kai… Rolling around on the floor, clutching his arse in pain.

We trot over, a little bit worried.

"He fucking told you his arse was too big!" Tala shouted angrily at the teacher, and pointing in a menacing way.

"I thought he was being gay!" the teacher yelled back.

"He's always being gay, but he wasn't lying about his arse!" Tala, erm, yelled.

"Why are you all freaks?!" the teacher shouted.

Okay.

That was uncalled for.

I take offence to that.

30 seconds later

So does everyone else, apparently.

As we are all gathering around the teacher in a very threatening way.

"Lee, your mankini, please," Tala said, holding out his hand.

A minute later

Lee has stripped off, and we've strung the P.E. teacher up a tree with Lee's mankini. The teacher is obviously yelling at us to let him down, but that isn't going to happen.

Not yet, anyway.

Not until he's either apologised, or died.

Whichever comes first.

A minute later

"What the bloody Hell are you kids doing now?!" came McFahrt's angry voice from behind us.

Shite.

But Bryan was trotting along faithfully beside her!

He could get us out of this!

Even if he does have to use sex!

"Why is the P.E. teacher hanging from the tree by a mankini?" McFahrt asked.

"He insulted us," Tyson said.

"He did," I nodded.

"He said I was fat," Tyson said.

"Did he?" I looked at Tyson.

"He said my arsehole was flappy," Tyson said.

"Well, it is," I said, shrugging.

"Tyson, don't be gay. He did not say all that. But he did insult us," Tala said.

Why is that we all say 'don't be gay' to each other?

It's a bit hard for that.

Since 60% of us ARE gay.

"Do you have any fruit?" McFahrt asked.

What?

"What?" I asked.

"Fruit. Do you have any? You could use this opportunity as target practice," McFahrt shrugged.

"Why does it have to be fruit?" Tyson asked, his eyebrow raised.

"It doesn't have to be fruit, El Pregnanto. It could be anything," McFahrt replied, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, but… Why would we have fruit?" Tyson carried on.

"Granger, shut up. If you're not going to do target practice, then just let the teacher down."

Damn McFahrt, always spoiling our fun…

In Room 101

3.15 in the pm

Bryan has taken his revenge on Kai.

It is a very pitiful revenge, even if I do say so myself.

He has drawn a penis on Kai's forehead.

Bryan used to be evil. Surely he could think of something better than that?

A minute later

"Bryan… Why didn't you think of a better revenge?" I asked.

"Because Spencer is going to give some horrendous revenge. I foresee it. And as he will be giving horrific revenge enough for the whole world, I don't see any point in me giving BIG revenge," Bryan replied.

Fair enough.

That's a point.

Spencer hasn't been around.

Maybe he's plotting…

A minute later

"Dudes, that P.E. teacher has left a shit stain in my mankini!"

"Lee, are you sure that isn't yours? You haven't washed it for about 4 months."

"Longer than that. Hahahahahahahaaaa."

6.30 in the pm

Tea has been cancelled.

I don't know how you can cancel tea.

As we all need food.

Apparently, the dinner ladies caused something of a minor explosion.

It was going to happen at some point.

A minute later

As tea was cancelled, we sent Kai and Tala down to the local Chinese restaurant, to get us all food. They've come back with a load of food that could potentially feed the entire school.

But as we are all hungry…

We shall eat it all ourselves.

"We saw Kenny at the Chinese," Tala said, handing me my prawn crackers.

"He isn't dead then?" Tyson asked, shoving a handful of chips into his mouth.

"Nope. He told me not to tell you guys that he was working there, because he knows you'll go and terrorise him," Tala said, feeding Kai a barbecue spare rib.

"I like how you're saying that as though you wouldn't join in," I said, squinting at Tala.

"Hey, they were in his words, not mine. He seems convinced that me and Kai are still the most normal out of all of us."

"Pfft, how wrong he is," Tyson said, looking at Kai.

7.01 in the pm

Ergh.

I'm stuffed.

I actually feel as fat as Tyson.

"I think baby enjoyed that," Tyson said.

"I wouldn't be surprised if baby was born chewing on a barbecue spare rib, at the rate you were eating them," Mariam giggled.

"They were nice…"

"I think I need a shit, now."

"Thanks for that, Lee."

A minute later

Spencer has just arrived.

I think he's possibly smelled the Chinese food.

He should've been hanging around with us earlier, then he might've got some! But as it is, he was probably snogging Emily all day, and so he did not get any food.

"You," he said, pointing at Tala and Kai.

Oh God.

Actually, I don't think he's here because he smelled the Chinese food.

I think he's here… For REVENGE.

I shall hide now.

A minute later

Spencer is still stood in the doorway, staring at Tala and Kai, and breathing heavily, like some sort of mad psychopath. Tala and Kai are staring back at him, looking somewhat bored.

I wouldn't be looking bored if I were them.

Especially as Spencer has just pulled out a pineapple from behind his back.

Where do these guys store their pineapples?

Actually, don't answer that.

A few minutes later

"OH MY GOD! SPENCER! NO! PUT HIM DOWN!" Tala yelled.

"SPENCER! A BREEZY BREEZE IS BREEZING ABOUT MY ARSEHOLE, AND IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD!" Kai cried.

That isn't as rude as it sounds.

Spencer has ripped off Kai's trousers and underwear.

Spencer is holding the pineapple to Kai's bum-oley.

Spencer is…

Holy crap. That's got to hurt.

"See? It' not nice when someone shoves a pineapple up your tube," Spencer snarled.

He's scaring even me. And I'm at the opposite end of the room to him.

"Spencer! You're hurting him!" Tala shouted.

Actually, Kai does not look in pain. He looks thoroughly bored.

"And as for you," Spencer said, dropping Kai, and rounding on Tala. "Meet my friend, PAIN!"

I'm sure Spencer just wants to be his own version of Mr. T.

A minute later

It makes me wonder why Spencer has given out his revenge with the aid of fruit. Poor Kai has a pineapple up his arse, and poor Tala has a banana in his ear. Spencer actually looks quite happy now he's gotten his revenge.

"You know what?" Spencer piped up happily, throwing his arms around Tala and Kai's shoulders. "I love you guys."

* * *

+ A/N: And onto another oneshit…


	25. I Am A Randy Teenager

+ Warnings: Sexytime which some of you may not appreciate…

+ A/N: Erm… My prediction about this story being about 50 chapters long in the end is _very_ wrong… Ahem.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 25: I Am A Randy Teenager**

Tuesday 29th April

7.11 in the am

"GET YER SORRY ARSES OUT OF BED!" a voice shouted at us from the doorway.

Mariam grumbled behind me, and mashed her face against my back. I opened my eyes… And there was McFahrt. Standing in our doorway. Wearing a very short dress. She has huge thighs. This is something I will never mention to Bryan.

"Elaaaaiine, I'm trying to sleep," Tyson whined from his bed.

"I don't care if you're trying to sleep, you weird, pregnant thing. Get up. We have a school trip to go on," McFahrt said.

"Oh God. Please, not a school trip," Mariam moaned against my back.

Oooh, that felt good. Do it again, Mariam.

"We're going to a sealife centre," McFahrt continued.

Oh God.

Kai is going to have a field day.

On a bus

8.05 in the am

The dinner ladies were handing out slices of toast to everyone as we got on the bus.

They were handing them out with evil smirks on their faces.

I don't know if the evil smirks were because they'd tainted the toast in some way or if it was because they know we're off on a horrific school trip.

I think they'd tainted the toast.

I gave mine to Tyson, anyway, so whatever they've done to it, it won't be affecting me.

Anyway, yes. We are on this bus, and are zooming off to the sealife centre. I don't know why McFahrt suddenly decided to take us all there. I am beginning to get worried about her dwindling sanity.

I think it's being caused by being engaged to Bryan.

I wouldn't want to be engaged to him.

A minute later

That sounded really weird.

A minute later

"Whoa! We're going to Ibiza!" Lee sang loudly.

"We're really not," I said to him.

"I know, but I can imagine," he said.

"Also, you do know that the sealife centre staff might think you're going to try and get into the tanks, because you're wearing that bloody mankini again, don't you?" I pointed out.

Lee looked down at himself.

"They might do. But I will show them otherwise. With sex!"

A minute later

Why do we always solve things with sex?

8.30 in the am

Bus journeys are so bloody boring. I would take a leaf out of Tyson's book, and go back to sleep for a while, but I'm too awake now.

Damn you, McFahrt.

A minute later

And I really wish I didn't have to listen to Kai and Tala's 'conversation'.

"Rectum," Tala said.

"Arse," Kai replied.

"Bumhole."

"Male vagina."

"Anus."

"Perineum."

"Man cunt."

"SEAHORSE!"

"You lose," Tala said, poking his tongue out and grabbing Kai's crotch.

This is the sort of thing I am being subjected to.

A minute later

They've started again.

"Vagina."

"Fanny."

"Love muffin."

"Squish mitten."

"Yippee bog."

"Cun-"

"Alright! Stop with the rude words!" Mariam snapped.

She is losing it…

Outside the sealife centre

10.01 in the am

"It's a bit cold out here," Lee said.

We looked at him. He was shivering. I'm not surprised, and I don't have any sympathy for him.

"Now, whilst we're here at the sealife centre, everyone will behave like mature adults, understand?" McFahrt said.

Everyone did their shifty eyes, and 'agreed'.

In the sealife centre

10.05 in the am

Lee has reluctantly been let in. He tried to persuade the receptionist to let him in with sex, but when that wasn't working, Bryan and McFahrt came to the rescue.

They make such a team…

I won't say how they persuaded the receptionist. All that matters is that Lee has been let in.

And now we are wandering around like lost sheep in a rainforest.

Because, let's face it, if there were some sheep in a rainforest, they really would be lost.

A minute later

Those poor, lost sheep…

A minute later

Why in the name of Tyson's saggy scrotum am I thinking about lost sheep?!

5 minutes later

"Oh my God! That stingray is coming right at us!" Mariam squealed, pointing at a stingray that was indeed heading towards us.

"Mariam… It's in a tank," I reminded her.

"Oh, yeah…"

Walking through some tube thing

11.14 in the am

"Look, Tala! A shark!" Kai said excitedly behind us.

"You know, all this water and all these fish are turning me on," Tyson said.

"You sick bastard!" Kai yelled.

"Can I not make one comment about animals without you shouting at me?!" Tyson yelled back at Kai.

"No! Because it counts as mental bestiality!"

"I wasn't thinking about fucking one of the sharks!"

"Yes you were! And after you'd finish with a shark, you were going to move onto a seahorse, I know it!"

I don't know these people.

Really.

11.24 in the am

We are now looking at the little tanks, with the littler fish in them. This includes goldfish. I don't know why they have goldfish at a sealife centre, because goldfish do not come from the sea.

Do they?

A minute later

That's a thought. Where DO goldfish come from?

Other than pet shops, I mean.

A minute later

"SQQQQQQQUEEEEEEE!!! TALAAAA!! LOOK! THERE'S SEAHORSES!!! AAHHHH!!!"

Guess what Kai's found?

A minute later

"Look, guys!! It's so yellow… And scaley… And seahorsey… And pretty… And yellow… And pretty…"

We are not going to be able to drag him away for hours, now.

Why the Hell did we have to come in here?

"Tala, get Kai away from those seahorses, we all need to go and pee," Tyson said.

"I don't need to pee," Tala replied.

"Well we do."

"Why do me and Kai have to come with you?"

"Safety in numbers," I said.

"Why?"

"Stop questioning it, man, and just drag your seahorse-obsessed boyfriend away from that bloody tank!" Tyson nearly yelled.

Tala scowled, and began to work on Kai.

Oo-er.

11.35 in the am

Tala managed to get Kai away from the seahorses by promising that we can see them again after lunch.

Just fabulous.

Anyway, I feel that now would be the perfect time for me to ask why were are all going to the toilet together.

"Why are we all going to the toilet?" I asked Tyson.

"I need to pee," he replied.

"Yes, but why do we all need to come with you?" I asked.

"Because I don't want to go on my own," he replied.

"Do you want us to hold your penis, too?" Lee asked.

Okay… That was probably… Not needed.

"No, but if you could hold my hand, that would be fabulous," Tyson replied.

"All of us holding just the one hand?" Tala asked.

"Well, yes. As my other one will be holding my penis."

"Your penis is so small it probably doesn't need to be held," Kai said.

"Alright, Mr. I'm-Well-Endowed-And-I-Can-Fit-A-Pineapple-Up-My-Arse-And-Still-Have-A-Tight-Arsehole. Just because your penis is bigger than mine does not mean that you can take the Mickey," Tyson said, frowning.

"Yes it does," Kai replied, poking his tongue out.

"No it doesn't."

"Yes, it really does."

"It actually doesn't."

"It really-"

"Both of you, shut up. We've arrived at the bogs, so please, everyone who needs to pee, go and pee, and then we can walk around the centre some more before eating lunch," Mariam said.

We all shuffled into the men's loos, leaving Mariam outside on her own.

A minute later

"Someone lift my bump up. I can't reach my penis," Tyson said.

"That's because your penis is too small."

"Shut up, Kai! Just, someone hold my bump up!"

I sighed and grabbed Tyson's bump from behind, pulling it up a bit.

This feels really weird.

And gay.

"Lee! Hold my hand!"

Tyson is being very demanding today.

God help us if anyone walks in now.

"Ooooh, Bryan…"

…

Was that what I thought it was?

Please say it wasn't.

"Oh, Elaine… You're so hot…"

Oh my God.

It is, isn't it?

"Oooh, more, Bryan!"

"Bryan, Elaine, we CAN hear you, you know!" Tala called through the door of the only cubicle."

We do these men's toilets only have one cubicle?

What if there are five men who all need to have a shit?

"No you can't!" Bryan replied.

"We really can!" Lee said.

"Oh my God, how many of you are there in here?" Bryan asked, sounding a bit nervous.

"All of us bar Mariam," I said. "And that's only because she is female and technically not allowed in here."

"Didn't stop me from coming… In. Did it?" McFahrt called through the door.

I like how she paused after 'coming'.

Not.

3 minutes later

Tyson has had his piss, and we have left Bryan and McFahrt to their… Activities. Kai is demanding that we go back to the seahorses, but me and Tyson are putting our feet down.

"Kai, there's still loads more to see, and you'll be really disappointed if you miss it because you spent all day with the seahorses," I told him.

"No I won't. I'll just get you guys to take photos," Kai replied.

"Kai, you are bloody coming with us to see the turtles whether you like it or not!" Tyson said stubbornly.

I think he's feeling a bit hormonal.

Lunch

12.10 in the am

We saw the turtles briefly.

And then decided we were hungry. So we are now sat in the café, and it's quite nice, because it's under one of the big tanks, so we have fishies and sharks and shit (well, not literally shit, that would be worrying) swimming above us.

It's be scary if that glass broke, though…

I am going to erase those thoughts from my mind this instance.

"Do you reckon the café kills off the fish to put in their meals?" Tyson asked.

"Don't be stupid, Tyson," Kai scowled.

"Hey, you could be eating a seahorse, Kai!" Tyson laughed.

5 seconds later

Tyson has been punched in the eye, and now Kai is refusing to eat anything.

Nice going, Tyson.

5 minutes later

We have been joined by Bryan and McFahrt. Both of whom look as though they've been fucking in some toilets for the past hour. Oh, wait… They have.

"Elaine, I thought you told us all to behave like adults," Tala started, "yet, you and Bryan decide to sex each other up like some randy teenagers."

"I am a randy teenager," Bryan said, stealing Kai's plate of food that he is refusing to eat.

"Valkov…" McFahrt began. We braced ourselves for a rant. "Shut up."

A minute later

Well, that was lame.

On the bus making our way back to the school

2.15 in the pm

After lunch, Kai persuaded us all to go and sit with the seahorses again. So for two hours, that's what we were doing. Sitting by the seahorse tanks, just watching Kai talking to them.

"Maybe we should play 'I Spy'?" Tala suggested.

"Don't be gay," Bryan replied.

"That's a bit hard," Tala said.

"Like me. I have a massive erection right now," Kai said.

Thanks, Kai. Massively important information that we've always needed to know.

"Anyway, I'll start," Tala said. "I spy, with my penis… Something beginning with… 'M'."

"Me," I said.

"Nope."

"Me?" Mariam asked.

"Nope."

Me?" McFahrt asked.

"No."

"MY MANKINI!" Lee yelled.

"YES!" Tala yelled back, and they high-fived.

Help.

2.34 in the pm

"He's got the whole world, up his arse. He's got the whole wide world, up his arse. he's got the whole world, up his arse, HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD UP HIS ARSE! YAAAY!"

Kai is changing the lyrics to religious songs…

Back at the school

4.20 in the pm

"Excuse me as I go and collapse on my bed in exhaustion, and tiredness from being around all you bloody loons all the time," I said, making my way up to Room 101.

Outside Room 101

I have just noticed that everyone, including McFahrt, has followed me.

"You know what? We should all have a mass sleepover. In your room!" Kai said excitedly.

"No," I said sternly, letting Mariam, Tyson and myself in, and shutting the door on everyone else, locking it behind me.

A minute later

DAMN KAI WITH HIS SPARE KEYS!

"But it'll be fun!" Kai whined, sitting next to me on my bed.

"How the Hell do you think we'd fit everyone in here?!" Tyson asked, gesturing at all who was in our room.

"Well, as you might have noticed, Spencer has not been around all day, so he is not invited to the mass sleepover. I can sleep on top of Elaine…" Bryan said, looking at Tala to continue.

"- and I can either sleep under, on or in Kai… Or we could sleep under your beds, and you three could sleep in your beds as normal."

"And I could sleep in the bath," Lee said.

I opened my mouth to protest, when Mariam did the unthinkable.

"Okay!"

I frowned at her, and she grinned.

8.01 in the pm

I find it very weird that we are having one of our sleepovers, and our head teacher is included in it.

And is sleeping on our floor.

With one of our friends sleeping on top of her.

Well, they're not sleeping.

They're…

Humping.

NOT IN MY ROOM, THEY'RE NOT!

"Elaine! Bryan! Stop your humping this instant!" I yelled. Christ, I sound more like a teacher than McFahrt does.

"Aww, they're horny," Kai said, smiling.

This is not a smiling matter!

They are getting jiggy, in my room, on the floor, at the end of my bed!

I will not tolerate this!

"But, Maaaax," Bryan whined, his head emerging from… Some place on McFahrt," I'm horny, and need some loving!"

"Not in my room, you're not!" I yelled. I rounded on Kai. "This is all your bloody fault, because you wanted a mass sleepover!"

"Max, calm down. You're going completely bananas, and I think you need a blowjob," Mariam said to me.

I think she is right.

"You, me, bathroom, now," I said to her, and she grinned.

"Hey, if you're getting a blowjob, does that mean I can sex Elaine up?" Bryan asked me.

"No," I replied.

Bathroom

A minute later

"Lee, out of the bathroom. Mariam and myself need to use it for our sexual activities," I said.

"And I need to use the bathtub as my bed."

"Tough. We need the bathroom for a moment."

Lee grumbled as he got out of the bathtub, and wandered into the main room.

"Now… Where were we?" Mariam said, grinning at me.

8.21 in the pm

Ahh, blowjob is over.

…

They are humping again.

"OI! DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT YOU WAS NOT TO HAVE SEXYTIME!" I yelled at Bryan and McFahrt.

"I can't help it… She's irresistible!" said Bryan's muffled voice.

"I give up…"

"Please do. That would mean that I could also sex Kai up," Tala said.

I really give up.

8.30 in the pm

It's really disturbing having to listen to your friends have sex.

Like, really disturbing.

Especially as one of them is fucking the head teacher.

In my room.

"Tyson, do you ever feel that we share a little too much with our friends?" I asked.

"No, but I always feel that they share a little too much with us," he replied.

"One agrees, and one has decided that this is way too freaky, and so one is going back to one's bath. Nighty night," Lee said, making his way back to the bathroom, and giving the humping Bryan and Elaine a wide berth as he walked past them.

"He's been traumatised," Mariam said, shaking his head.

"So have I," I said.

"Oooh, touch my nipples, Bryan," I heard McFahrt's voice say.

"NO! NO, NO, NO AND NOOO! NO SEX TALK!" I yelled.

"Okay, I can tolerate sex, but not the sex talk," Tyson said.

"I have some pretty horrific images in my head right now," my poor little Mariam said, burying her head into my neck. Bless her.

"Tala… My penis has gone all floppy from the horrific sex talk that is coming from the other couple sexing each other up," Kai's muffled voice said from under the duvet he was shagging Tala beneath.

"So has mine," Tala replied.

Even the gays are being traumatised.

A minute later

"Alright, we've stopped the sexytime. Happy?" Bryan said, all pouty and unhappy.

"Yes," I replied.

"No," Tyson replied. "The baby just kicked me in the bladder again."

"You haven't pissed yourself, have you?" I asked.

…

No reply.

"You have, haven't you?"

"IT WAS THE BABY!"

5 minutes later

Tyson has thrown his wet sheets in the corner of the room, and has flipped his mattress over. This is why I am so glad I am not female or Tyson, and therefore cannot get pregnant.

Because you constantly need to pee.

And I pee enough as it is already. So if I was pregnant, which I am not, I would have to be at a toilet at all times.

10.37 in the pm

All hints of sexualness has stopped… And now everyone is trying to get to sleep. I say 'trying', because Kai will not shut up about those bloody seahorses we saw today at the sealife centre.

"… And they were all yellow, and pretty, and they had nice curly tails…"

Aha! So seahorses DO have tails!

"Kai… Shut the fuck up. Seriously," Bryan's annoyed voice said through the dark.

"You're just jealous because you're not a seahorse," Kai retorted.

Oh yes. I bet Bryan is very jealous because of that.

"Tala, will you please keep your fuck toy under control, and keep his mouth shut?" Bryan asked angrily.

"He's not a fuck toy. He's a proper boyfriend," Tala replied.

"Whatever he is, keep him under control."

"I am still here, and I can still hear you," Kai said.

"Will you all just shut up? I am pregnant and I need my sleep!" Tyson said, also getting a bit annoyed.

"Well, I wouldn't have to keep talking if Kai would just shut up!" Bryan said.

"But I'm telling you all about the seahorses!"

"I don't want to hear about the seahorses! So shut up!"

"But-"

"Kai, shut the fuck up, or I will make you shut up by squirting Elaine's breast milk down your throat!"

…

Everything has gone quiet.

And on that note…

"Good night," I said.

* * *

+ A/N: How in the name of arses that can fit pineapples up them have I managed to make this 10 pages long?!

:|

Erm… Review? XD


	26. I Once Shagged Cenotaph

+ Warnings: Squirty cream abuse.

+ A/N: Okay, I forgot to mention this last chapter, but thanks to OrganicVoodoo for being the 300th reviewer! *Throws confetti at her*.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 26: I Once Shagged Cenotaph**

Wednesday 30th April '08

7.15 in the am

A little bird has just told me that the world is made up of eleven-dimensional string that comes in six flavours and five colours.

This little bird is Mariam.

And she is also talking in her sleep.

A minute later

"Mariam… Wake up…" I say, poking her in the arm.

She grumbles and her knees shoots out and-

Ow.

Right in the balls.

A minute later

"For God's sake, woman! Wake up!" I nearly yell.

"Shut the fuck up," I hear Tala's voice come from down below. Oo-er.

I'd forgotten we had four other humans and Lee staying here overnight.

"Mariam won't wake up," I said in my defence.

"Why do you want to wake her up? Just leave her alone," I hear Tyson say.

"She was sleep-talking!" I tell him.

"Was she saying anything interesting? Anything about seahorses?" I hear Kai say.

"Shut up about those fucking seahorses," Bryan says.

"Bryan, my boobs are getting cold," McFahrt says.

Everything's gone quiet.

"Actually she was telling me that the world is made up of eleven-dimensional string that comes in six flavours and five colours," I said, trying to distract everyone from the horrific thing McFahrt had just said.

"No it's not," Tyson said.

"I know it's not, but that's what she said," I said.

"But she's wrong."

"She's asleep! She doesn't know what she's saying!"

"Then I will tell her when she wakes up that she is BEYOND being wrong, and she's just a retard when she sleeps."

"Ty, that would be a bit harsh."

"Not it wouldn't."

"Yes. It really would."

"I'm pregnant.

"WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!"

"Being pregnant gets me out of anything and everything. Even arseholes."

"You couldn't find your way INTO an arsehole even if your penis had Satnav," Tala said.

Everything's gone awkwardly silent again.

"Dudes… I totally see the light at the end of the tunnel," Mariam's croaky voice said. She has awoken!

"No, what you're seeing is my pearly white teeth!" Lee shouted, scaring the crap out of everyone, and emerging from the bathroom wearing…

Nothing.

30 seconds later

His teeth really are white.

Like, so white that I need sunglasses.

30 seconds later

"Lee, why are you brushing your penis with a toothbrush? And toothpaste?" Tyson asks.

"Makes it shiny, dude. SHINY!"

7.30 in the am

Everyone is now awake. Lee has put his mankini back on, and is now wearing our shower curtain as a cape. He refuses to take it off.

"Lee, stop using our shower curtain for your own sexual pleasure!" Mariam shouted at him.

"I'm not using it for my own sexual pleasure! I'm using it as a cape!" Lee shouted back.

"Yes, but we can all see the erection you've gained just from wearing it," Tyson pointed out.

Lee looked down at himself.

His erection was indeed escaping from his mankini.

Is natural for penises to be covered in hair?

A minute later

"Lee, your penis reminds me of Cousin It from The Addams Family," Kai said.

We all looked at Lee's penis.

Not that I particularly wanted to, but it's one of those involuntary things, you know?

And I have to say… That Kai had a point.

"I usually shave it, but I've lost my razor," Lee replied, stroking his erection.

"Do you mind not masturbating in front of us?" I said, scowling.

"Sorry. I get a bit carried away sometimes," Lee said, and he stopped his stroking.

Now his hairy penis was just stood there.

Boinging around.

A minute later

"I think we'd all better get ready to start the day," McFahrt said, standing up.

Oh my God.

She is butt naked.

Luckily, she is so fat that her belly cascades over any vagina that she might have lurking between her legs. Unfortunately, her sagging breasts are still on show.

"Tala, they're scaring me," Kai squeaked, gripping onto Tala in a vice-like manner.

"It's alright, my little chicken dipper… Don't you look at the nasty boobies," Tala cooed back at him.

"Elaine, put some clothes on," I said, frowning.

"Elaine, don't put any clothes on. I'm quite enjoying myself ogling your arse," Bryan said from wherever he was lay.

"No, Elaine. Really. Put some clothes on," I said.

"I think I'm going to be sick, Tala…" Kai said in his little, whimpering voice.

"What do you think, Lee?" McFahrt said dramatically, swinging around to look at Lee, her saggy breasts flying through the air.

Lee stopped trying to sneakily wank off, to look at McFahrt like a rabbit caught in headlights.

"Lee? Shall I put clothes on? Or shall I walk around naked all day?"

"Erm… Well… As lovely as your body is, Elaine, all over-flowy and protruding, yet as smooth as a baby's bottom… I think it might be best if you do put some clothes on," Lee said, clearly trying to butter up McFahrt.

I don't mean that literally.

"Are you trying to flirt with my woman?" Bryan asked, standing up, also naked, and scowling at Lee.

"Why would I want to flirt with your woman when I have a mankini?" Lee replied, twanging one of the straps of said mankini.

"You make a good point there," Bryan said, nodding, and sitting back down.

"Now that's all settled… Will you both please put some fucking clothes on?!" I said angrily.

McFahrt scowled at me, but went about putting her gigantic bloomers back on, anyway.

Breakfast

8.03 in the am

Kai actually cried to the dinner ladies that McFahrt's breasts had offended him. They also began crying, and asked if they could make it better. He replied that he would feel better if he had some squirty cream. So they gave him some squirty cream.

And that brings us to now.

Kai is prancing (yes, _prancing_) about, shooting squirty cream everywhere, and shouting that he is a squirty cream ninja.

A minute later

He just got me in the mouth with the cream.

A minute later

Which is better than getting it in your ear, which has just happened to Tyson.

Two minutes later

"TALA! I want to give you a squirty cream beard!"

"Okay!"

We are all watching and slurping on Coco Pops as Kai squirts a beard onto Tala. Tala seems to be enjoying it. He'll probably turn it around and make it sexual.

"Alright, now lick it all off, bitch."

I knew it.

A minute later

"Kai, save some of that cream for later… I want you lathered in it tonight."

Please no images, please no images.

…

Damn.

Well, a squirty-cream-covered Kai is a better mental image than a squirty-cream-covered McFahrt.

Oh God.

No.

Drama

2.10 in the pm

I've always hated Drama.

I still hate Drama.

I hate Drama even more now that we have to do a short play in our group about two men falling in love.

At least I spared the part of having to play a gay man. As there are three real live-and-kicking ones in this group.

All of whom are having an argument.

"Me and Kai should play the part of the gay men, as we are gay and are in love!" Tala shouted.

"I WANT TO BE A GAY MAN!" Tyson roared.

I think he probably meant to add 'in the play' on the end…

"Well, it's tough! Me and Kai are being the gay men, and you will just have to be the wife!" Tala said.

One of the gay men are married in this play.

Tyson has folded his arms, and is pouting. I see this as a sign of him giving up.

5 minutes later

We are rehearsing this play. I don't even know what part I'm playing. I just have some lines.

"Oh, darling. You're late home tonight. Where have you been?" Tyson said, scowling at Kai, who was supposed to be his husband.

"I was busy fucking my super-hot boyfriend, because I am gay. In fact, meet him!" Kai said, ruining the play, dragging Tala up to Tyson, and then snogging him.

Tala. Not Tyson.

"Guys, can we please do this scene properly," Mariam asked. She has been given the role of 'director'.

"No," Tala said, grabbing Kai and snogging him again.

We all sighed.

2.30 in the pm

We are now having to act out our play to the rest of the class. We have given up trying to make Tala and Kai do the thing properly, so we've told them to just stand there and snog whilst we say stuff.

"You! Play! Now!" the teacher shouted at us.

We stood up on the stage.

Tala and Kai began snogging.

"They are two men. They are gay. And they are in love," I said, pointing at Tala and Kai.

"HE," Mariam shouted, pointing at Kai, "NO LONGER LOVES YOU!" and she pointed at Tyson.

Tyson pretended to cry.

"The end!" I shouted.

Tala and Kai carried on snogging.

The whole class looked at us. The teacher sniffed.

"That was… BEAUTIFUL!" she wailed.

No, it was shit. But I'm not going to argue with her. She might knock me out with those man-fists she has.

8.59 in the pm

We heard some interesting news earlier.

Julia, as in… Julia from F Dynasty… IS A LESBIAN!

Kai actually cried when he heard this news. He wailed something about 'two many breasts in sexual situations', before planting his head in Tala's crotch, and crying. Tala seemed to enjoy it.

Anyway, yes. Julia is a lesbian. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if Raul comes out as gay. He could've been bumfucking Romero anytime he wanted to. Because, let's face it, Romero HAD to be gay.

A minute later

"Y'know…" Tyson's voice piped up through the darkness. "I once shagged Cenotaph."

I looked at the big black blob that was him.

"As in… Cenotaph… One of the Dark Bladers… The one covered in bandages?" I asked.

"Yeah, that's the one. One of the best fucks of my life."

I chose not to question it any further, and tried to go to sleep, cuddling into my lovely Mariam.

15 minutes later

"Can we start putting sleeping tablets in their drinks at night?" Mariam asked me.

"No. I know it's annoying, but-"

"Or maybe we can knock them out by smashing them over the head with a hammer?"

"Mari, that's a bit too violen-"

"Or, better yet! We could just chop off their cocks!" Tyson said, sounding a bit excited at the thought.

"I know listening to them having sex is annoying, especially as they're so loud, but there's really nothing we can do about it," I said.

Everything went quiet. At least, in our room.

A minute later

"YES! TALA! FILL MY BUTT-CRACK WITH SQUIRTY CREAM!"

This is getting ridiculous…

* * *

+ A/N: LAME-O ENDING!

But never mind. Another chapter down XD


	27. I Love The Smell Of My Armpits!

+ Warnings: Bryan/McFahrt moment.

+ A/N: It's 'Many-An-Update Monday!' XD

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 27: I Love The Smell Of My Armpits!**

Thursday 1st May '08

7.15 in the am

"No, your Mom!"

"No, YOUR Mom!"

30 seconds later

"No, your Dad AND your Mom!"

"Your Dad, Mum and testicles!"

"I don't have testicles!"

"This means I win!"

What… In the name of arse…?

"What the fuck are you two shouting about?" I asked, emerging from under the duvet.

Mariam and Tyson looked at me.

"Arguing," Tyson replied.

"About what?"

"Nothing."

I raised my eyebrows at them both, and snuggled back under the duvet. I planted my face in Mariam's breasts, and she let out a loud squeal. I laughed, and she let out another little squeal.

"I am not breast-feeding you, Max Tate, so get your face away from my boobs!"

Burned.

Breakfast

8.01 in the am

I have suddenly had a thought.

I am watching the dinner ladies do what the dinner ladies do best (and it isn't cooking, scarily. It's dancing and prancing and so on)…

I am thinking how much they remind me of little Oompa Loompas.

Because they are really short.

Not because they're orange with green hair.

Do you know who _is _orange with green hair?

Kevin.

But he's only orange because Lee painted him. Because Lee's mad like that.

No wonder he has no friends, if he goes around painting them orange.

5 minutes later

I have just caught Tyson sniffing his own armpit.

When he lifts his arm out like that, his bump thrusts out, and shunts the table forward.

A minute later

He just did it again! Sniffed his own armpit!!

"Tyson… I'm probably going to regret asking this, but why are you sniffing your armpits?" I asked.

"I love the smell of my armpits!" he exclaimed, taking a good whiff of one.

Just… Eww.

"Can I sniff them, Tyson?" Kai asked.

"Sure, they're all sweaty, though," Tyson replied, raising his arm.

"Sweaty armpits are the best kind," Kai said, nodding and beginning to stand up.

"Oh no you don't," Tala said, pulling Kai back down. "You are not sniffing another man's armpit. It'll make me jealous."

Tala has armpit envy?

Do I even mean that?

Whatever, it sounds funny.

Biology

9.15 in the am

Today in Biology, we have the joy of studying… A human hand.

A real one.

I wish I was joking, but I am not.

"I want to fist myself with it," Tyson said.

"Don't be disgusting," Tala replied to him.

"What? You fist Kai enough, surely?"

"Excuse me, but my fist has never been up Kai's arse, thank you very much."

"It'd fit up there, though, if you wanted it to."

"Well, I don't want it to, so it's not going to."

"My arse can hear you both, you know. It's feeling offended, now," Kai said.

We all looked at him.

"Don't worry, Kai's arse, I'll make it up to you," Tala said, and his hand disappeared into Kai's trousers, making Kai squeal like his arse was just probed by a finger or two.

Oh, wait…

A minute later

"I want you to take off the fingernails…" the Biology teacher said. Seriously how is this going to help us in later life? "And Mr. Mankini… I want you to take off the fingernails without chopping the fingers off."

Our table turned to look at Lee.

Well, not literally our table.

But the people sat around our table.

You know what I mean.

But Lee was sat there with a knife pointing at the hand on his table. God knows where he's pulled the knife from. As he is only wearing a mankini.

5 minutes later

"I want to predict it's future!"

"Kai, it is a hand. A hand attached to nothing. It does not have a future."

"It does, Max! I'll show you… This line here means it's going to have a very long life!"

"KAI! IT IS FROM A DEAD PERSON!"

"THE HAND LIVES ON!"

I am not winning this battle.

8.00 in the pm

"I love the smell of my armpits," Tyson said.

"Yes, Tyson. We know," Mariam said, not look up from the book she and I were reading.

"But they are leaking a bit too much for my liking."

"That's called _sweating_, Tyson," I said.

"Yes, but is it supposed to be pouring out this much?" Tyson asked.

Me and Mariam looked at him, and he lifted an arm up, and a jet of water hit us in the faces.

That was rather unpleasant.

11.21 in the pm

"Max! Max, wake up!"

Something prodded me in the head.

And then I felt something water pouring onto me.

Why is Tyson leaning over me?

"Tyson, your leakage is leaking onto me," I said sleepily.

"Sorry, mate," Tyson replied, and moved away so I was no longer being dribbled on.

I sat up and looked at him.

"Why have you woken me up?"

"I'm having a craving."

"And you woke me up just to tell me this?"

"Max… I need to feed my craving… And I'm going to need your help."

Oh God.

"What's your craving?"

"Chalk."

"Excuse me?"

"Seriously. I need to eat some chalk."

I looked blankly at him.

He raised one of his arms.

And a jet of water hit Mariam in the face.

"TYSON, YOU FUCKING ARSE!"

Something tells me she is not amused.

11.29 in the pm

We are now wandering around the corridors, trying to find Tyson some chalk. The things I do for friends… First we are going to the caretaker's cupboard, because we need a mop.

Tyson is sweating too much, and he's leaving a trail.

Caretaker's cupboard

11.35 in the pm

MOP!

And Spencer… But we're here for the mop, not Spencer.

Why is Spencer in the caretaker's cupboard actually?

"Why are you in here?" Mariam asked.

"Emily locked me in here, the kinky little bitch," he replied.

Deciding not to question any further, I asked for a mop.

"You can have the mop, only if I can come with you," he replied.

"Do you really want to join us on our hunt to find some chalk for Tyson to eat?" I asked him with my eyebrows raised.

"Yes," he said.

"Okay, then… Hand over the mop," I said.

"I've changed my mind," Spencer said, standing up and grabbing the mop. "I'm coming with you, but I'm holding the mop."

"This means you have to mop up my trail of sweat," Tyson said.

"I like to mop…" Spencer said, aiming the mop at Tyson's armpits.

"Spence… You're to mop the floor. Not Tyson's armpits," Mariam said, and Spencer nodded.

Right then, now that we're all sorted…

"Right, let's go and find Tyson some chalk," I said.

11.46 in the pm

"Why are we finding Tyson some chalk?"

"Just… don't question it, Spence."

A minute later

"I like mopping…"

"Yes, we know, Spencer."

A minute later

"Emily said she was going to buy me a new hoover, you know."

"That's lovely, Spence."

A minute later

"I have an erection."

"Spencer, that is not something we needed to know."

A minute later

"It's straining!"

"SPENCER! Shut up!"

I think we are beginning to regret letting Spencer out of that cupboard, now.

Biology room

11.59 in the pm

I've always wanted to know what the teachers do at night, where they sleep and so on… We don't really see them anywhere else except for their classrooms.

"Chalk…" Tyson mumbled, moving to the front of the class, and rummaging through the teacher's drawers. Oo-er.

"Anyone see the teacher?" I ask.

"Yup," Mariam said.

"Where?"

"There," she replied, and pointed into the Biology cupboard.

There was a big pickle jar.

With the biology teacher inside it.

Floating alongside a pickled frog.

A minute later

I am somewhat disturbed.

"Guys… Blodge teacher doesn't have any chalk!" Tyson moaned.

"Blodge teacher pickles herself at night," I said, and pointed into the cupboard.

Tyson stared.

"And on that note, we shall move on," he said.

00.05 in the am

"Tyson, you sure are leaking a lot…"

"That's why we've got you to mop up, Spencer…"

Drama studio

00.09 in the am

"Why the Hell do you think there would be any chalk in here?!" Tyson asked angrily.

"Shush, Tyson, you'll wake the bat!" Mariam said, pointing up to the ceiling.

Bat?

We all looked up.

"That's no bat… That's the drama teacher!" I said.

We left pretty sharpish.

These teachers are actually freaks!

00.11 in the am

"You know, Tyson… I like you."

"Thanks for that, Spencer."

Peeking through the door of the Art room

00.16 in the am

Art teacher does not sleep.

That is why we are not in the room.

Because otherwise she will see us steal her chalk!!

A minute later

She is projecting something.

Onto the big projection screen…

What is it?

A minute later

"OH MY GOD, GUYS! SHE'S TOTALLY LOOKING AT KAI'S PENIS!" Spencer yelled.

Fuck, fuckity, fuck fuck fuck.

Art teacher has seen us (well, heard Spencer shout, anyway), and its now running after us.

5 minutes later

Pant pant… Lost her… Pant…

"You know what I've just realised?" Tyson said.

"What?" I asked, clutching at my chest as we made our way back to Room 101. Spencer is still mopping up behind Tyson.

"That the teachers have whiteboards and use markers…" Tyson said.

The bastard.

Outside Room 101

00.30 in the am

"But Maaax… I don't want to go in there! There's sex noises!" Spencer whined, holding onto my leg as I tried to shuffle into Room 101.

"Just tell Bryan to stop it. You are not staying in our room," I said, trying to shake Spencer off my leg, but failing.

"You tell him to stop!"

"He's your roommate!" I said.

"But Maaaaaax!"

Oh for God's sake.

Barging my way into Bryan and Spencer's room

A minute later

"OI! BRYAN! STOP WHAT YOU'RE- Oh. My. God."

I am horrified.

The other three pop their heads around the door so see…

Bryan emerging from McFahrt's skirt.

"Mmm, juicy," he said.

* * *

+ A/N: Special thanks to MarianQ. Without her, this chapter would've been shit.


	28. I Think I Just Laid An Egg!

+ Warnings: What could I _possibly_ warn you about that you wouldn't expect?!

+ A/N: I'm going to be eaten alive for not updating this sooner. I can tell.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 28: I Think I Just Laid An Egg!**

Friday 2nd May '08

7.30 in the am

I don't think any of us will be able to forget the horrific thing that we stumbled in on last night. I really don't. Bryan claims he was doing nothing wrong, and that we should've knocked, first.

I yelled when I went in, didn't I?

Surely that's enough.

Apparently not.

A minute later

Anyway, because Spencer was so traumatised by Bryan's muffin-eating ways, poor Spencey stayed in Room 101 in the end. I gave in. He was so upset, and I'm just a kind, caring, human being who just wanted to help him.

Sort of.

It was rather amusing to see him shuffle into Tyson's bed, though. The duvet didn't cover much of him (well, Tyson is pregnant and needs more duvet than usual, and Spencer is… Really tall), and his ankles and feet hung over the end of the bed.

Does he sleep like that all the time?

With his feet poking out of the end, I mean.

I don't mean with a pregnant dude.

7.35 in the am

I having just looked over at Tyson's bed. Tyson is just awaking, and wriggling a lot, and Spencer is…

Where is Spencer?

Oh, he is there. He's really shuffled down the bed, so his head is under the duvet, but his legs are hanging right over the end of the bed, now. His feet are resting on the floor.

"This guy is a nightmare to sleep with," Tyson moaned, getting out of his pit of doom, and plodding towards the bathroom.

"What? Tyson's shagged Spencer?" Mariam asked, jolting upwards and clearly just woken up.

"No. Don't even suggest that. I don't think my brain can take much more," I replied, swinging my legs over the side of my bed, and rubbing my face.

"MAX!" Tyson shouted from the bathroom.

Oh God. When he shouts like that, it can't mean something good.

"What, now?!" I yelled back. Spencer started stirring in Tyson's crusty pit.

Oo-er.

"Someone has removed all of the toilet paper from it's roll and shoved it down the bog!" Tyson called through the door.

"So? Flush the toilet and just get a new roll from the packet under the sink!" I shouted back.

Seriously… It's so hard being the only one with a brain, sometimes.

"Well, I would and all… But whoever it was have shoved all of that tissue down the toilet, too!"

You are shitting me.

Not literally though, because I now don't have any loo roll to give you.

So shit me figuratively.

"Let me in!" I called through the door.

Tyson did so, and I rushed to the toilet bowl and peered into it. There was a monumental amount of bog roll stuffed down there.

Do you know what this means?

It means…

IT MEANS THAT WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BEG KAI AND TALA FOR ONE UNTIL WE CAN FIND SOME MORE.

I don't actually know where we get toilet roll from. Tyson just turns up with it every now and again. Maybe he has a toilet roll fetish…

"Who the Hell would shove all the toilet roll down the bog?!" Tyson asked angrily.

"It wasn't me. I had my hands firmly in Max's underwear all night," Mariam said.

Tyson and I looked at her.

She didn't just say that.

"Well… It definitely wasn't me," I said, trying to move on from Mariam's statement.

"Yeah, man… You weren't going anywhere because of Mariam's hands," Tyson said, waggling his eyebrows at me.

I hit him.

He is such an arse.

Two minutes later

We are still staring at the mound of soggy paper in the toilet. I don't know why. It's not interesting. It's not doing any tricks. Hell, it isn't even soaking up the water anymore.

"Oh, are you looking at my art?" Spencer asked, joining us in the bathroom.

"This was you?" I said, raising my eyebrows, and trying to look very stern, but only succeeding in looking like a twat.

"Yeah… I call it… 'Henry's Brains In A Bowl'," Spencer replied, staring sadly into the bog.

He is going on about that bloody hoover again, isn't he?

Hoovers don't even have brains.

At least… I hope they don't.

"Spencer… Why did you put all the toilet paper in the toilet?" Mariam asked, clearing having missed the previous comments.

"It's art."

"It's not art, it's bloody annoying!"

"Mariam… Calm down," I said, patting her on the shoulders. She probably needs to take a dump, and is gutted because she can't now.

"I refuse to clean it out of there, too!" she snapped.

"I second that," I say.

"I third it," Tyson agreed, nodding.

"I fourth it," Spencer joined in, shrugging.

"No, you can't agree, because you were the one who put it in there!" I say.

"Oh yeah… I still don't want to clean it out, though."

I feel like slapping him.

I think I shall.

30 seconds later

I just have.

7.46 in the am

Tyson, Mariam and I have left the 'artist' in our bathroom to clean the toilet out. We are now trekking the two metres to Kai and Tala's room.

When Tala opened the door after we'd knocked on it, he looked smug.

"I heard shouting coming from your room. What dramatic horrificness has happened that is torturing you so much that I can take the piss out of?"

I feel like slapping Tala, too.

But you just don't slap Tala.

He has the mother of all bitch slaps.

And I don't feel like being on the receiving end of one of those.

"Spencer's put all our toilet paper down the toilet, and called it art. He is now trying to unblock the damn thing. So, can we borrow your toilet? And a toilet roll, if that's possible," I said.

"Spencer does that. This one time, in The Abbey, he blocked up _every_ toilet with soap, toilet roll and general crap. Boris was so pissed that he wet himself. Not that there was a toilet for him to relieve himself in, anyway," Tala replied, reminiscing. "What's in it for us if we lend you our toilet and toilet roll?"

"We'll set Lee on you if you don't let us," I said, trying to look stern again.

Tala stared at me for a moment, and then opened the door wider so we could go in.

"Welcome and feel free to use our lavatory."

8.01 in the am

Breakfast

Everyone is now relieved, and as you might have guessed, we are now nomming upon something that the dinner ladies call 'breakfast'.

I have just found a screw in my plate of whatever this is supposed to be.

I would complain to McFahrt, who is sat opposite me, but she's too busy eating Bryan's face.

"Max, I have found the screwdriver to your screw," Mariam said, actually pulling out a screwdriver from her 'breakfast'.

Surely the dinner ladies aren't getting _that_ desperate for ingredients?!

"Dudes…" Tyson began, looking up randomly in amazement. "I think I just laid an egg!"

Everyone stared at him. Even McFahrt and Bryan became unglued to stare at him.

"Tyson, if you don't mind me asking… What in the name of Bryan's vagina-loving ways are you on about?!" I asked.

"Can you not mention my vagina-loving ways in public, please," Bryan said, scowling.

"Seriously, guys… I think I just felt myself ovulating," Tyson said looking thoughtful.

Of course, this has now sent Kai's tiny brain into overdrive.

Nice work, Tyson.

"WOW! I MEAN… YOU CAN LAY EGGS? WITH BABIES IN THEM? CAN YOU SHOOT A WHOLE ARMY IN MINE AND TALA'S DIRECTION, PLEASE?!" Kai yelled, looking _so very_ excited.

"Kai, sweetheart… Calm down," Tala said, patting Kai's head.

"Tyson, you can't be ovulating," Mariam said.

"I can. It has been proven that I have ovaries. The baby bump kind of gives that away, you know," Tyson replied.

"No, I don't mean that. I mean you can be ovulating because you're already pregnant," Mariam continued.

"Mariam…" Kai began. Oh god. "Can you feel yourself laying eggs?"

"No. I can't," she replied shortly. "Although…"

She paused. We all looked at her. Even Lee looked at her, and he was over the other side of the canteen.

"Yes?" I asked.

"No, it doesn't matter," she said, going very red and flapping her arms.

We shrugged, and moved on.

3.15 in the pm

We have just caught Tala and Kai putting posters up on notice boards around the school.

When have they found the time to make posters?

And what are the posters advertising?

Actually, thinking about it, I really don't want to know.

"Let's go and find out what the posters are for!" Tyson said excitedly, pulling Mariam and I along behind him as he stalked Kai and Tala.

We hid behind a corner as Tala and Kai stopped up ahead to pin another poster to yet another notice board.

Why does this school need so many notice boards?!

When Kai and Tala had began walking again in their gay fashion, Tyson rushed up (still pulling Mariam and I) to the board.

"'_Gay Loving Bondage Galore - Where you gays can have all your bondage fantasies fulfilled with the aid of experts in being gay!_'" Tyson read.

"Those two just get weirder and weirder," I said, shaking my head.

"I want to join!" Tyson exclaimed.

"Of course you would," I said, shaking my head again.

"Don't you two want to join?" he asked Mariam and I.

"Well, no… Because, you know… We're not gay," I pointed out.

"Fair point, well made," he said. "Come on, let's catch up with the two other gays so I can ask to join!"

A minute later

'The two other gays', as Tyson called them, had not gone far. There was another notice board in the next hallway.

"I want to join your bondage club," Tyson demanded, stomping his foot at Tala.

"No. You're pregnant. We won't have a set of chains big enough to wrap around you. And you might go into early labour," Tala replied, shaking his head.

"BUT I WANNA BE TIED UP AND SPANKED!" Tyson yelled.

"Baby… You can call me _anytime_," Rick said, who just happened to be passing, to Tyson.

"Cheers, Rick! I'll be in touch!" Tyson waved after him.

We stared at Tyson, who noticed us only after Rick had disappeared.

"What?"

8.56 in the pm

There is a mysterious drilling sound coming from Tala and Kai's room. Either they're holding the first meeting of the 'Gay Loving Bondage Galore' club, or they're planning something.

A minute later

Now there's a lot of banging on the wall dividing our room and theirs. I hope they're not-

OH MY GOD!

THE SCREWDRIVER FROM MARIAM'S BREAKFAST THIS MORNING HAS JUST BEEN STABBED THROUGH THE WALL!

A minute later

I have stupidly put my eye to the new hole in the wall, to see what the bloody Hell is going on. All I can see is… Another blue eye.

"Hello, Tala," I say.

"Hi, Max!" he replies.

"May I ask WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING?!" I yelled.

"Making a glory hole!"

He's what?!

A minute later

There is now a lot of drilling.

The hole is slowly getting bigger and bigger. Just enough to put a penis through.

I tell you what, the first penis that gets put through that hole will be chopped off with something.

A few minutes later

The drilling has now stopped.

I press my eye back to the hole again.

"It's not really a glory hole. We just wanted to spy," Tala said, his eye looking back at me.

Bastards…

10.01 in the pm

"I thank them for letting us use their toilet, and for letting us have a toilet roll because Spencer destroyed all ours… I thank them for using their sexual powers of persuasion to get us into that club. I can tolerate all their stupid remarks, and their gayness and their bizarre ways… BUT I CANNOT HANDLE THE FACT THAT THEIR LOVE-MAKING IS NOW A WHOLE LOT FUCKING LOUDER BECAUSE THEY'VE PUT A FUCKING HOLE IN THE WALL!"

* * *

+ A/N: I actually know someone who can feel herself ovulate.

And she demanded that I announced this. LOL.

Also… VOTE ON MY EFFING POLL! XD


	29. Mankinis Complete With Nipple Tassels

+ Warnings: Sexytime, McFahrt's knickers, Lee crying and dog food. Not in that order.

+ A/N: I actually can't listen to 'Prince Charming' by Adam Ant without thinking of this story, now.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 29: Mankinis Complete With Nipple Tassels**

Saturday 3rd May '08

7.25 in the am

"'ELLOOO!"

A minute later

That shout was not from me. Nor was it from Mariam. And contrary to what you might be thinking, now… Nor was it Tyson.

It did in fact come from the new 'glory hole' in our wall.

I am going to have to block that up with something.

Tyson's arse might fit in it.

Actually, no. God knows what could happen, then.

7.28 in the am

A vibrator has just been pushed through the glory hole.

I'm not touching it.

It looks as though it's been used.

And from the way Tala and Kai are now cackling evilly… I'd say it probably _has_ been used.

A minute later

"Maaaax? Can you throw us our vibrator back, please?"

Not a fucking chance.

A minute later

EWW!! I touched it!

I must go and decontaminate myself.

A minute later

"Max, please don't tell me you actually gave them their vibrator back?"

Mariam is looking at me with raised eyebrows.

"It was only courteous to do so," I said, shrugging. "Besides, I didn't want that thing lurking in this room for the next two years. You know how their things seem to find their way into this room, and don't leave again."

We both looked at Bam. The cat.

Mariam looked back and me, and nodded.

A minute later

I don't even know how long we've had that cat in here for, actually.

A minute later

When was the last time it was fed?!

"OI! Kai!" I shouted through the glory hole.

"WHAT?" he shouted back, his purple eyes staring at me.

"When was the last time you fed your cat?" I asked.

"I dunno. I haven't seen him for a while," Kai replied.

"That's because he's in our room," I said.

"WHAT'S HE DOING IN THERE?! IS THIS REVENGE?! DID YOU KIDNAP HIM BECAUSE I KIDNAPPED YOU? OH, HOW COULD YOU MAX? AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FRIEEEND!"

I wish I hadn't bloody said anything, now.

A minute later

I have returned the cat to it's rightful owners.

By pushing it through the glory hole.

You might think that's cruel, but it isn't. The glory hole is just massive. In fact, I think Kai and Tala have secretly made it bigger.

They're probably going to make it into a whole fucking window.

Maybe even a door.

Hell, they might just get rid of the wall completely.

30 seconds later

Oh my God.

I cannot let them do that!

That is one of the worst things that could happen _ever_.

Breakfast

8.04 in the am

I've calmed down somewhat, though I'm still looking suspiciously at Tala and Kai. Because I know they're planning something… They've got that look in their eyes that says, '_Max… We're planning something and you're not going to like it_.'

Though, it could be that look that says, '_Max… Why are you staring at us as though we're about to pounce on you and shove our cocks up your arse_?'

I've just given myself mental images.

A minute later

"_PRINCE CHARMING! PRINCE CHARMING! RIDICULE IS NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF! DON'T YOU EVER… DON'T YOU EVER… STOP BEING DANDY, SHOWING ME YOU'RE HANDSOME_!"

Those bloody dinner ladies…

"You know, that song was clearly made for me," Tala said.

"I disagree. It was made for me," Lee butted in.

He's not even sat with us, but sat at the table behind Tala and Kai again.

"It was not made for you and your hairy penis," Tala countered. He's narrowed his eyes, but he's not even looking at Lee. So it just looks as though he's squinting at me.

"I'll have you know I shaved this morning," Lee said.

Thanks for that, Lee.

A few minute later

"Has anyone else noticed that we've been given dog food for breakfast?" I ask.

The others nodded.

I worry about those dinner ladies more and more every day…

A minute later

Do you know who else I worry about more and more every day?

Bryan.

He has just walked into the canteen, and sat with us. He is wearing a pair of giant, flowery knickers on his head, with the leg holes looped on his ears.

Three guesses as to who the bloomers belong to.

"Bryan… Why in the name of Lee's shaven scrotum-" I began.

"- and penis," Lee interrupted.

"- and penis," I nodded at Lee, "are you wearing McFahrt's knickers on your head?"

"They're comfy," he shrugged.

"Comfy as they may be, my little Bry-Bry, I need them back."

McFahrt has arrived.

How did we not see her approaching?

And also… Why does she need them back now? Please, God… Don't say she has no knickers on. Please. I beg you. Seriously.

A minute later

Bryan is stubbornly refusing to give McFahrt her knickers back. Can they please take their argument elsewhere? I have a really bad feeling about the outcome.

"Yo, peoples," Spencer announced his arrival, and sat on my lap.

"Can you get off my boyfriend, please, Spence?" Mariam asked, raising her eyebrows at the REALLY HEAVILY BLONDE RUSSIAN SAT ON MY LAP!

OH MY GOD! HE'S SQUASHING MY THIGHS!

"Sorry, didn't see him there," Spencer replied, and sat next to me.

Didn't see me?

I'm not that short.

Am I?

Oh my God. What if I am really short? WHAT IF I'M A DWARF?!

"No, Max. You are not that short," Mariam said.

Wow. She can read my mind.

A minute later

"Fine, have your smelly knickers back!"

Oh good, Bryan's finally given them ba- OH MY GOD!

A minute later

Poor Spencer has fainted. Onto my lap. Which means his dead weight is back on my thighs.

Why has he fainted, you ask?

McFahrt pulled her skirt up to put her knickers back on.

She had one leg on a chair.

We all got a view of her… Thing. You know. Love muffin. Bitch wrinkle. Oyster ditch. VAGINA!

It is not nice.

It's not shaved.

It is like a fucking bristly forest.

IT'S SCENT IS WAFTING AT ME!

And you know how you just want to stop staring, but you can't seem to? Yeah. I think we all have that.

30 seconds later

Kai looks traumatised.

"It was next to me. It was hairy. IT WAS ATTACHED TO A WOMAN!"

"Well, yes, Kai. That's where you'd generally find them," Mariam said.

"Unless you're Tyson," Tala pointed out.

"Tala…" Kai said quietly."

"Yes, my favouritist penis-owner?"

"HOLD ME!"

Kai burst into tears, and Tala hugged him, also looking teary.

That is one epic phobia of vaginas…

Back in Room 101

9.10 in the am

Ahh, boredom ensues. Tyson is reading another pregnancy magazine, and Mariam and I are just lay on our bed. Cuddling. And listening to Tala and Kai giggle as they attempt to fit both of their penises through the glory hole at the same time.

I will chop them off… I will…

A minute later

Knock, knock, knock.

Someone's at the door. Of course, Tyson and Mariam aren't going to answer it, so it is up to me to stop being lazy and open the door to-

Oh, for the love of vaginas.

How much nudity am I going to be exposed to today?

"Lee, why are you naked?" I ask the boy stood at the door.

"SOMETHING HORRIFIC HAS HAPPENED, DUDE!" he yells.

"You haven't been exposed to McFahrt's vagina again, have you?" Tyson called over his shoulder.

"No, man! MY MANKINI SNAPPED!"

He burst into tears, and rolled around on the floor, waving the broken mankini in the air. And there was me thinking it was something _actually_ horrific…

"Don't worry, Lee, we'll buy you a new one," Mariam said.

"Will we?" I asked, raising my eyebrow at her.

"Yes. Because we have nothing else to do," she replied, nodding.

"Thank you! THANK YOU! I shall kiss your feet!" Lee said, crawling towards them.

"Thaaat won't be necessary," I said, scowling and moving my feet away from Lee.

"We'll go into town, and we'll buy you a new mankini," Mariam said, standing up from our bed. "But you're going to have to wear some clothes."

"Why?" Lee questioned.

Is he dim?

Actually, that's a stupid question.

"Because you'll embarrass us," Mariam replied. "And you'll probably get arrested."

In town

9.57 in the am

We eventually persuaded Lee to put some clothes on.

We had to promise him that we'd let him walk back to the school in the new mankini.

That's if we get a new mankini.

Where the Hell are we going to get one from?

Five minutes later

Of course.

From the mankini shop.

Why didn't I realise…

A minute later

They have pink mankinis, mankinis with frills, mankinis complete with nipple tassels, mankinis complete with an elephant where your cock goes…

"I'M IN HEAVEN!" Lee shouts, and begins trying on every mankini.

Surely… He can't do that?

A hour later

We are still in the damn mankini shop.

We can't tear Lee away from the precious mankinis.

I hope Mariam is seriously regretting saying we'll buy Lee a new mankini.

"I'm seriously regretting saying we'll buy him a new mankini," Mariam says.

Ha, ha and triple HA.

Fifteen minutes later

We have now left the mankini shop. Lee eventually decided on a green mankini that was exactly like his old one.

Of course, he is wearing it as we're walking up the street. He looks so happy and proud of himself.

He owes me 30 quid…

Room 101

8.30 in the pm

We have just managed to shake off Lee. He's been hanging around like a bad smell. Like a bad vagina. Like a- I'll shut up. Tyson is also 'out'. He's gone to one of the potential daddies. He didn't say why, he just said he was going.

That leaves Mariam and I.

Alone.

With the room to ourselves.

"You know Tala and Kai could easily interrupt through that bloody hole?" Mariam said, when I suggested sex.

"Yes, I know, but…"

"I do not feel like having to steal another sex tape of us from them."

"But…"

"Max, no."

"But I'm horny!"

I gave her my ultimate puppy eyes, and she caved in. Just as we were snuggling down into the covers, a voice popped up.

"We have this camera rolling, you know."

The bastards.

"Never mind…" I sighed.

"Yeah… It's not like we need sex. The damage is already done," Mariam said.

What does she mean by that?

* * *

+ A/N: What DOES Mariam mean?!

I'm not telling you.


	30. I Can Has Cheezburger?

+ Warnings: You.

+ A/N: We've hit the big 3-0.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 30: I Can Has Cheezburger?**

Monday 5th May '08

7.10 in the am

In bed

I am looking at Mariam.

I am still trying to work out what she meant.

But I don't have anymore brain now than I did last night, so…

I am not getting very far.

A minute later

I don't know why I'm thinking that if I stare at her long enough, I'll understand what's going on in her brain.

30 seconds later

I will _never_ understand what goes on in a girl's brain.

A minute later

Or Tyson's.

A minute later

Or Kai's, Tala's, Lee's, Spencer's, Bryan's, and McFahrt's.

A minute later

I barely even understand what goes on in my _own_ brain, let alone anyone else's!

Talking of my brain… Well, thinking about it… My brain hurts.

From all this thinking.

A minute later

I am so confused.

Breakfast

8.02-and-a-half in the am

Yummy… Schlop. Just what I've always wanted for breakfast. Not. At least the dinner ladies put some herbs on top of it.

I don't know what the herbs do to help.

But it's the thought that counts, right?

A minute later

Bryan has just sat down with us, and he is looking as excited as a bee.

If bees look excited, that is.

Which I'm sure they do.

"Tell us, Bryan, what do you know that is make you twitch and shake with excitement?" Tala asked.

"Elaine is going to come and announce something in a minute, and I love it when she announces something, because all her chins wobble at once, like they do when we're having rampant sex," Bryan said, grinning.

That really wasn't something I needed to know.

"Bryan, if she's going to announce that she's pregnant, I may have to vomit," Tyson said.

"No, she's not going to announce that. She wouldn't tell me what she was going to announce, actually, so she might announce that she is pregnant… Oh my God. What if I'm not as impotent as I thought I was?!" Bryan said, his arms flapping.

"How can you think you're impotent when you get at least three erections a day?" Tala asked, his eyebrows raised.

"How do you know about my penis activity?"

I really want to stop this conversation.

Right now.

"Kai has an erection-radar, remember? He can sense even the tiniest of hard-ons," Tala said, nodding.

"I can, you know," Kai piped up, also nodding.

A minute later

They are both still nodding.

5 minutes later

Elaine has arrived. She has stood at the door of the canteen and she has a microphone in hand. She really doesn't need that microphone. Her voice is loud enough already.

Bryan is also drooling.

She hasn't even started wobbling, yet.

30 seconds later

Okay, now she's begun to wobble.

I'm moving back from the table, because the wave of drool coming from Bryan's mouth is flooding it.

"I have an announcement!" McFahrt said.

Yes, we know that. Do get on with it. I want to go on with my rather bizarre life.

"You shall all be taking part in Work Experience."

What?

Oh my God.

No.

"A teacher will come around and tell you where you will be doing your work experience."

No.

A minute later

Of course. I should've known that McFahrt herself would come and tell us where we're going to be tortured for the day.

She told us we were going to help at the local Primary School.

Then she attached herself to Bryan's mouth, and now we can't get another word out of her.

I want to complain.

But she isn't listening.

9.00 in the am

Being shipped off to the Primary School

Well, I say we're being 'shipped off'. But we're actually just walking down the road to the school.

Is it safe having a Primary School so near to the school that we're in?

I mean… Look at us.

Well, not me.

But look at the rest of them.

9.11 in the am

In a class in the Primary School

"Oh my God, it's full of little kids," Tyson whispered.

Well spotted, Ty.

"Kai is eyeing them up!"

Tyson, you just made him sound like a pervert.

"Max, will you say something to him?"

I'm trying to not speak. I am currently horrified that we are here.

9.30 in the am

The children are doing sums. They're currently adding up.

Kai is sat down with them.

Only, the chairs are so little, that his knees are up by his chin.

I am still stood up, looking horrified. I actually cannot get over the fact that McFahrt has sent us here.

30 seconds later

Bryan isn't here.

He's the only one that isn't.

McFahrt told him he'd be doing Work Experience as 'a personal assistant'.

In other words, he'll be fucking McFahrt all day in her office.

5 minutes later

Did you know that 3 plus 2 is thirty-two?

Or so the odd-looking kid at the front thinks.

Lunch

The kids are running around, playing with toys and having fun.

And so is Kai.

"Tala, you're really going to have to restrain him soon. Otherwise he'll be the next Michael Jackson," I said to Tala.

Tala just looked at me cross-eyed.

Why?

2.20 in the pm

Music

The stupid teacher thought it'd be a good idea for us to lead the kids into a song.

The stupid teacher let Kai choose the song.

Kai chose 'I'm Gay' by Bowling For Soup.

A minute later

Kai and Tala are heartily singing the majority of the song. The rest of us are mumbling along, looking at anything but the kids, the teacher or Kai and Tala.

And every time Kai and Tala shout, "I WANT YOU TO SAY I'M GAY!" all the kids shout, "I'M GAY!"

…

The parents are going to be horrified when the kids come out of school singing that.

3.15 in the pm

Home Time

We're helping all the kids get their bags and coats. They are quite sweet, really. But they're still humming 'I'm Gay'. Mariam's gone all misty-eyed. She's going to miss them.

…

She is not as misty-eyed as Kai, though. I'm surprised he can even see.

3.35 in the pm

Walking back to our own centre of torture

"Today was fun, wasn't it?" Kai asked, looking all happy.

"Not really," Tyson and I replied in unison.

Spencer and Lee said nothing.

"Kai… Why is your jumper bulging?" Mariam asked.

Kai didn't reply, but rushed off ahead.

"And why is it wriggling?!" Mariam called after him.

"OH MY GOD, KAI! PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T STOLEN A CHILD!" Tala yelled, running after his obsessed boyfriend.

A minute later

We have caught up with him, and lifted up his jumper to reveal that he had indeed stolen a child.

"O hai," the kid said when we revealed it.

It speaks LOLspeak?

"Kai, I demand that you take this child back immediately," Tala said, crossing his arms and frowning at Kai.

Kai pouted and looked down at the child. The child looked back up at him.

"I can has cheezburger?" it asked.

10 minutes later

We went with Kai to return the child. He cried.

The child, not Kai.

Well, Kai looked a bit teary, too.

5 minutes later

"Children… They're lovely, aren't they?" Mariam asked me quietly as we entered the gates to the school of McFahrt.

"I suppose so," I replied.

"TALA! I CAN HAS BABEE, PLZ, K, THNX?!"

Oh noes.

* * *

+ A/N: OMG! I OPENED A BAG OF THE NEW ROWNTREE'S RANDOMS SWEETS, AND I FOUND A SEAHORSE! ROFL!

Erm… Flames, please.


	31. I’m Winning The Wanging!

+ Warnings: Err… Heh.

+ A/N: I can't believe it's been a month since I updated this :|

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 31: I'm Winning The Wanging!**

Tuesday 6th May '08

7.15 in the am

Bryan has just burst into our room, butt-naked, shaking and flapping his arms.

Must mean that McFahrt is going to make another announcement.

Must also mean that Kai and Tala are still making copies of our dormitory key.

A minute later

He is now dancing. His bits are flapping around everywhere. I'm sure McFahrt must be feeding him something to make him like this. I mean… He was normal-ish when he first turned up with Spencer, demanding that Tala and Kai go back with them to Russia.

A minute later

Maybe it's just this school.

It makes everyone go fucking nuts.

I mean that both literally and figuratively.

5 minutes later

Bryan has left now, but not before he woke Tyson and Mariam up with his naked dancing. He has also taken that bastard key with him, meaning he can get back into here any damn time he wants to.

"Did you notice he was dancing?" Tyson asked.

"Forget the dancing, did you notice he was naked?" Mariam asked.

I did indeed notice both of these facts.

"I didn't ask him why he was dancing. I didn't dare to. It's bound to be something to do with McFahrt, though," I replied.

The other two nodded, and we questioned Bryan's randomosity no more.

Breakfast

8.01 and a half in the am

I'm going to question his randomosity some more, now. Bryan is twitching. Tala is waving his hand in front of Bryan's face, and he is not responding. Just staring. And twitching.

Even the sparkly, pink vibrator Kai is now waving in front of Bryan's face is not waking him up.

I'm not going to ask why Kai is carrying a sparkly, pink vibrator.

I'm also not going to ask why he is wearing deely boppers.

And buzzing.

A minute later

I think he's trying to imitate a bee.

A minute later

That might be why he's got the vibrator. To help him buzz.

5 minutes later

McFahrt has arrived. The bowl of cornflakes (HOLY FUCKING COW, A NORMAL BREAKFAST FOR ONCE!) that I was eating went skidding across the table, because Bryan got so excited at seeing his beloved that he shunted the table.

At least my cornflakes survived.

Kai's landed on the floor.

And he cried. In a bee-like way.

30 seconds later

Can bees cry?

A minute later

Oh my days. McFahrt has stood on our table to make her announcement. Our table groaned when she stood up on it. If it collapses, she'll probably fall in my direction, and I'll get squished!

30 seconds later

Bryan is trying to look up her dress.

A minute later

"I'd like to announce something!" McFahrt shouted across the canteen.

No. Really? We would never have guessed.

"I have come to the decision that the school would benefit from it's students wearing uniforms. Therefore, we shall be having a delivery of uniforms this morning, which you shall all change into immediately once you have them!"

A minute later

The whole canteen is staring at her.

Uniforms?

She's have a giraffe.

Isn't she?

8.25 in the am

She is not having a giraffe.

A big lorry with the words 'Uniforms R Us' on the side has just reversed into the canteen (through the wall - the dinner ladies scattered like chickens as is crashed through the wall). A man has hopped out of the driver's seat and is making McFahrt sign some forms.

"Thanks, Lyle," McFahrt said, and the man opened the back of the lorry, revealing hundreds of uniforms.

"Lyle?" Bryan said, scowling.

Oh dear. I sense jealousy.

A few minutes later

The uniforms are being handed out.

They are tiny.

And tight-fitting.

I am sure that none of this is going to fit me.

And I am sure that none of this is going to fit Tyson, because he has the same sized uniform as me. Apparently, the uniforms aren't made for pregnant people.

A few minutes later

All of the uniforms have been handed out. Mariam is looking in absolute disgust at her skirt. She is not a skirty girl. Which is a shame, as she has fantastic legs.

Ahem.

A minute later

I have just lied.

Not about Mariam's legs.

About the fact that all of the uniforms have been given out. They have not, as Spencer still doesn't have one.

"I feel so left out," he said, pouting.

"OI! LYLE! WE'RE MISSING A UNIFORM!" McFahrt yelled to the delivery driver.

He saluted (why?) and dived back into the back of his lorry.

"Buzz, buzz," Kai, err, buzzed, patting Spencer on the top of his head.

"Don't you patronise me, bee!" Spencer shouted at Kai, who ran and hid behind Tala, who was inspecting the trousers for the uniform.

"Dude, these are barely going to reach my knees," Tala said.

"I'll be lucky if I even get them up my legs," Tyson said, also looking at his trousers.

8.35 in the am

Spencer has been given his uniform.

We are all trying so desperately not to laugh.

"Right, you have your uniforms, now bugger off to go and change into them quickly!" McFahrt yelled to the entire canteen. "Bryan, you can come with me and change where I can see you…"

Bryan grinned and ran off with his woman.

I think I'm going to vomit.

Room 101

8.38 in the am

For some reason that escapes me but that I will not question, Tala, Kai, and Spencer are also getting changed in our room. They probably just want to laugh at Tyson trying to fit into his uniform.

"I cannot do these buttons up!" Tyson complained, as a few more buttons of his shirt popped open, revealing his bump. "There is no way on this Earth that these uniforms were made for us!"

"At least you managed to get your trousers on in the end. Kai can't get his to go over his arse," Tala said, and we all turned to see Kai jumping around in the bathroom, trying in vain to get the trousers up.

"Let's just hope he doesn't bend over if he gets them on," Mariam said, watching everyone. She is the only one who hasn't had issues with getting her uniform on.

My trousers are a bit tight around the legs.

In fact, I think they're cutting off my circulation.

"Does anyone have any lipgloss?" Spencer asked.

We looked at him.

We started snickering.

"Why do you find the fact that I am wearing a skirt and a girl's blouse so hilarious?!" he asked, frowning.

"You know, Spence, if you tied your hair in bunches, you'd look just like Britney Spears," Tala laughed.

A look of wonder took over Spencer's face.

Oh God.

Biology

9.04 in the am

We have all made it into our uniforms, and into class. Poor Mariam shuffled off to her own class, pulled her skirt down as far as it would go without revealing her knickers.

Which is a shame. As she has very nice knickers.

I should shut up, and stop thinking about sex.

Getting a hard-on in these trousers would be disastrous.

"I'm feeling very womanly," Spencer said.

I looked at him, in his very short skirt, revealing his muscly legs, and a bit too much of his hairy arse. His shirt was tied in a knot at the front, his hair was in bunches, and he really was wearing lipgloss.

"Mmm… Candyfloss flavour," he said, as though reading my thoughts, and licking some of the lipgloss off.

The scary thing was… He really did look like Britney Spears.

30 seconds later

A more manly, taller, muscular Britney Spears, of course.

A minute later

"Damn, I've dropped my pen," Tyson said. I looked at the floor where his pen was, and back up at Tyson's face. He was grinning. "Kai, could you do me a favour and bend down and pick up my pen, please?"

Oh God.

"Buzz!" Kai replied happily, and stood up, bent down and picked the pen up.

Everyone heard the rip of his trousers.

"You did that on purpose, Tyson," Tala scowled, as Kai sat back down, fiddling with his hole (oo-er).

"I know I did," Tyson replied, looking smug.

5 minutes later

"Hey, guys…" Tyson started.

Oh God.

"I wonder if you can do the 'shaking-a-fizzy-drink-up so it explodes when you open it' trick. But with a penis," he said.

"That's called masturbating, Tyson," I said.

"Oh, yeah."

A minute later

"And God said, 'LET THERE BE MICHAEL MCINTYRE'!" the teacher shouted.

"Err, Miss?" Tala called. "What's this got to do with Photosynthesis?"

"Absolutely nothing," she replied.

…

I literally don't want to question ANYTHING that goes on in this school anymore.

Lunch

12.21 in the pm

I can't really call it lunch.

As we are not eating.

As the dinner ladies have not made food.

As they are busy fixing the wall.

… Are they qualified to that kind of work?

Actually, they probably are. They're probably builders who McFahrt hired because she couldn't find anyone else to cook the meals, and that's why our food is sometimes not actually food…

"Maybe we could go into town?" Tala suggested.

"In these clothes? I don't think so," Tyson disagreed.

"Well, we could _change_," Tala replied, rolling his eyes.

"Some of us could, but some of us might be stuck in these clothes," Tyson said, looking at Kai in particular, who was getting Mariam to sew a patch over the hole in the backside of his trousers.

Room 101

12.26 in the pm

We have settled for ordering a pizza. Or two. Or three. Or maybe even six.

"Do you think we should order one for Bryan?" Mariam asked, as Tala dialled the number for the nearest pizza place.

"Nah, he'll be stuffing his face with a muffin," Tala replied.

Eww.

Just… Eww.

12.40 in the pm

Knock knock.

I'm not telling a joke or anything. There's someone at the door. If it's Bryan, naked a covered in juices, I will be slamming that door in his face.

30 seconds later

It's the pizza delivery guy.

On our door.

In the school.

"Did you guys order thirteen pizzas?" the dude asked.

I turned to look at Tala.

"What? I'm hungry!" he said.

"Yes, they're ours," I said to the pizza dude.

"That is… A lot of money," the pizza dude said.

"Could you be more specific?" I asked.

"No. Just hand me a lot of money, and we'll be quits," pizza dude replied.

"Kai!" I called.

"Buzz?" he replied.

He needs to stop this buzzing.

"I need money, and lots of it. Otherwise your beloved Tala will not eat," I said.

He pulled out a wad of money from his underwear (eww…), and handed it over to the pizza dude, who gave me the pizzas, and left.

12.45 in the pm

I have ended up with a pizza with watermelon on it. I don't know why Tala ordered one with watermelon.

But it is actually quite tasty.

12.52 in the pm

"You know, we have P.E. after lunch, right?" Tala said, nomming some more of his pizza.

"Yup. Why?" I asked.

"Let's skip it and do our own exercise!"

"What sort of exercise?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"I was thinking of a competition," Tala replied, looking thoughtful.

"A singing competition?" Spencer piped up. "HIT ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!"

"Err… No," Tala said.

"What sort of competition, then?" I asked. I'm probably going to regret asking…

"One where you have to drop your pants!"

I knew I was going to regret asking.

1.10 in the pm

"Drop them, Tyson."

"Tala, I am not getting my penis out, or taking part in your stupid competition! I might go into labour!"

"You're just scared because you have a tiny cock."

"I do not have a tiny cock!"

"Actually… You kind of do, Tyson."

"Shut up, Max!"

"Oho! And how does Maxie know that Tyson has a small penis?!"

"Because I unfortunately share a room with him, and he gets naked quite a lot."

"Do you enjoy it?"

"No, Tala. I do not."

A few minutes later

I have somehow been roped into having a 'Willy Wanging' competition. Tyson has managed to get out of it by admitting that he has a small penis. I'd rather wished that I'd said I have a small penis.

But that would be a lie.

Heh.

A minute later

My penis is not, however, as big as Kai's.

Or Spencer's.

But it is as big as Tala's.

And bigger than Tyson's!

I need to stop thinking about penises.

A minute later

Aaand, the Willy Wanging competition has started! All we're doing is flapping our cocks back and forth.

It's starting to hurt already.

"I'm out!" I yell, and put my underwear back on, and sat down next to Mariam.

She wasn't even looking at the three exposed penises.

Which means she only likes my penis!

"I'm happy that you only have eyes for my penis," I said, hugging her.

"This is true. But I might have to cut your penis off," she replied.

I stopped hugging her, and suddenly felt very scared.

A few more minutes later

"I'm winning the wanging!" Tala yelled happily.

"Buzz… I give up!" Kai yelled.

He picked up a pair of underwear off the floor (possibly Tala's) and put them on. He then sat down by me and held my hand.

"Do you mind?" I asked.

"Not really," he replied.

"I'm going to beat you, Spencer!" Tala said, wanging his willy harder than ever.

"That's going to come off if he's not careful," Tyson said.

"Britney gives up!" Spencer shouted, and collapsed face down onto the floor, exposing his hairy arse to us all.

"Yay! I win!" Tala did a little victory dance.

"Talaaaa, I'm horny," Kai complained.

"Then we must go and have sex. we'll be seeing you people soon," Tala said, and dragged Kai out of the room.

They've left a pair of boxers behind.

And their trousers.

5.03 in the pm

McFahrt and Bryan have emerged, and are going around all the rooms, telling people that they need to return the uniforms, because they're 'faulty'.

"Faulty uniforms? How come McFahrt has only just realised this?" Tyson asked, as he folded up his uniform, and put them on the pile with mine and Mariam's.

"Because she's been too busy with Bryan. Bryan seems to be very distracting," I replied, placing Tala and Kai's trousers on the pile, too.

"Spencer, you need to take that uniform off, now," I said.

He shook his head.

"Spencer, take it off," Mariam said.

He shook his head again.

"Spencer, you can't seriously be thinking about keeping that?" Tyson asked.

He nodded, and launched himself at the door, pulling it open, tilting his head back, and bursting into song.

"WOMANIZER, WOMAN-WOMANIZER, YOU'RE A WOMANIZER. OH, WOMANIZER, OH, YOU'RE A WOMANIZER BABY!"

* * *

+ A/N: … LAWL.


	32. I’M A HOOVERNIZER!

+ Warnings: I might have to ditch these warnings. It's gotten to the point where you don't need warnings… You just accept it XD

+ A/N: I wanted to get this updated yesterday, but I had that oneshot to do, and I figured that that was _far_ more important XD

**

* * *

**

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 32: I'M A HOOVERNIZER!**

Wednesday 7th May '08

7.26 in the am

I can vaguely hear Britney songs being sung down the hallway.

A minute later

I'm not even out in the hallway. I'm still in bed. That gives you an idea of how loud Spencer is singing them.

A minute later

And, of course it's going to be Spencer singing Britney songs.

It wouldn't be Bryan.

A minute later

Well, it _might_ be Bryan, but after yesterday, I highly doubt it. And besides, that does not sound like Bryan. It sounds like Spencer.

7.30 in the am

"I have a bad feeling about today," Mariam said.

"So do I. I get the feeling that we're going to have to put up with Britney all day," I agreed.

"Guys, do you know where I could buy a penis enlarger?" Tyson asked.

We looked at him.

He looked at us.

I shook my head.

A minute later

"I'm serious, though! My penis is like a cocktail sausage!"

"Tyson, I do not know where you could buy an enlarger for it, nor I do I WANT to know such a thing. I'd also appreciate it if you stopped talking about your penis this early in the morning," I said.

"But-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, TYSON!" Mariam yelled.

We both looked at her.

She was steaming.

I am going to have to take her to the doctor to get those hormones sorted out…

Breakfast

8.02 in the am

I don't know what this is I'm eating, but it doesn't taste too bad.

And, if I ignore the fact that it looks like wet plaster, I could almost imagine it as a bowl of porridge.

8.05 in the am

There is something horrific going on over the other side of the canteen. It is so horrific, it has put me off my bowl of plaster.

Spencer is singing a Britney song to Emily.

Not just any Britney song.

"I really wanna dance, tonight with you. I really wanna do what you want me to. I'm a, slaaaaaaave, for youuuuuu. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it. I'm a, slaaaaave, for youuuuu. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it, baby."

And then he buried his head into Emily's crotch.

She looked horrified.

I was quite amused.

A minute later

Emily is storming through the canteen, dragging Spencer along with her. She looks so pissed off. As she was passing our table, I couldn't help but say something.

"Oh, and you dumped ME because I wasn't MANLY enough for you, Emily? Yet, you happily get a sexy dance from your new boyfriend, who is dressed up as Britney?"

"Who the Hell says I'm happy about it?!" she shouted back.

Oooh, this is going to be fun.

"Seriously, Emily. If you were a man, you would've had an erection from that," I said, nodding.

Tyson, Tala and Kai nodded with me.

I don't know why they were nodding.

Were they agreeing that they, too, would've gotten hard-ons if they'd been given a sexy dance from Spencer dressed up as Britney?

"I _so_ would have not!"

"Yes, of course. Now, why don't you rush off with your very manly boyfriend? I'm sure he wants to show you his red catsuit, and sing 'Oops I Did It Again'."

"I have a red catsuit?" Spencer asked.

Emily looked at Spencer. Then she looked at me. Then she looked at Mariam. Then she looked at me again.

"You know, Max…" Emily started, leaning in towards me, and trying to look sexy. "Maybe I was a bit too harsh in saying you weren't manly enough… You clearly are manly enough for me… So why don't you and I meet up later for some fun?"

Oh, bloody Hell.

A minute later

"OH MY GOD! EMILY! WAKE UP! I CAN'T SHOW YOU THE RED CATSUIT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD IF YOU'RE UNCONSCIOUS!" Spencer yelled.

Mariam's hormones kicked in again.

She punched Emily in the face.

"Keep your filthy hands away from my man!" Mariam shouted at the unconscious Emily.

"She can't hear you, you know," I said to Mariam.

"I know, but I wanted to shout it, anyway," she replied.

"Tala, would you be like for meee?" Kai asked.

"I would, but no one would try it in the first place, because everyone knows I'd break their legs if they tried stealing you off me," Tala replied.

"Well, hey there, Kai," Tyson said, waggling his eyebrows.

"Wait until you're no longer pregnant, Tyson… Your poor child will have to wheel you around in a wheelchair," Tala said, squinting at Tyson.

"Hey guys?"

"What now, Spencer?"

"Emily doesn't wear any knickers. Teehee."

Biology

11.16 in the am

Why is it that we seem to have this lesson more than any other? I've really gone off this lesson. Especially since I know that the teacher pickles herself at night…

"MATE, DAMN YOU!"

"Kai, they're not going to mate when you're rubbing them together."

"But I want to see them have caterpillar babies!"

"No, you just want to see them have caterpillar sex."

"No, Tyson. I'm not a pervert like you."

"Hahahahaha, yeah right."

A minute later

"Hahahaha, look at their legs wiggling around!"

"That's because they don't like being rubbed together, Kai."

"It's funny… Teehee."

Lunch

12.09 in the pm

The dinner ladies have been to the chip shop in town. They say that they still have a lot of work to do to the wall, and don't have time to cook.

I don't mind.

At least I know that this is actually food I'm eating.

A minute later

"Yo."

Lee!

"Lee, where the Hell have you been?" I asked.

"I was hibernating," he said.

"So… You've just slept non-stop for a couple of days?"

"Yup. Pretty much. Save for peeing."

"Didn't you get hungry?" Tyson asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Nope," Lee replied, and pulled the straps of his mankini to the side so we could see where his nipples would be… "I glued Wine Gums to my nipples, so that if I got a bit peckish, I'd just have a lick or nibble on these."

… Nice.

12.25 in the pm

"Let us have a discussion," Tala said.

"Not a lunch, please. I know what your discussions are like…" I said.

"THAT REMINDS ME!" Tyson shouted. "Tala, do you know where I could buy a penis enlarger?"

"Of course I do. But I'm not telling you. I find the fact that you have a penis the size of a cocktail sausage somewhat hilarious," Tala replied, giggling.

Tyson pouted.

"Anyway, back to my discussion. What do you guys think about fingering arseholes?" Tala asked.

"LOVE IT!" Kai yelled.

Bloody Hell…

"Tala, I can honestly say that I have never put a finger up my arse. Nor do I ever intend to," I said.

"I don't need to. I have a vagina," Mariam said.

Yes, Mariam. Just announce that to the whole canteen. I mean, we know it's true, but why not announce it anyway?

"I'd like to finger my own arse, or have someone else finger my arse, but I have the fear that if I do, I'll go into labour," Tyson said.

"I have to shave my arse before I can do anything. Including shitting," Lee said.

Eww…

I really did NOT need to know that!

Chillaxing in Room 101

3.20 in the pm

"Do you guys ever feel like we're missing something?" Tala asked.

"Yes, all the time," I replied.

It's true.

I always feel like some of us are missing our brains…

"Well, I feel like we're missing someone… Other than Spencer…" Tala said, looking thoughtful.

"Bryan, maybe?" Mariam said. She was frowning at me. What the Hell have I done?!

"EUREKA! That's the one. We should go and find him," Tala said, standing up and making his way over to the door.

"Not a chance. God knows what he's doing," I said.

"I want to find Bryan. So find Bryan we will," Tala said back to me, scowling.

"But what if he and McFahrt are… You know!" Tyson chipped in.

Tyson had a point.

I really didn't want to see Bryan and McFahrt… You know.

"That is the risk we shall take. Besides, it'll be fun to interrupt when Bryan's got a stiffy," Tala replied, giggling.

I refuse to do this.

Trekking up to McFahrt's office

5 minutes later

I got roped into doing this.

In fact, Tala threatened to anal probe me if I didn't.

And the scary thing is that Tala would probably go through with that threat.

Outside McFahrt's office

A few minutes later

I can hear music.

"I can hear music, too," Tala said.

Wait, did he just read my mind?

"It's like… Hyper dance music…" Tyson said.

"I think I know that song…" I said.

"Me, too," Mariam agreed.

"I think it's… Oh my God. It's not, is it?"

Tala opened the office door.

I threw myself to the ground in horror.

"IT'S THE CARAMELLDANSEN!"

And there were Bryan and McFahrt, doing the dance to the Caramelldansen.

Back in Room 101, complete with Bryan

"You bastards always spoil my fun!" Bryan complained.

"We know. It's funny," Tala said, giggling.

Kai giggled, too.

Bryan slapped him around the side of the head.

Kai started crying, so Tala punched Bryan on the arm.

"For God's sake, don't start fighting in here. If you're going to fight, go to the sex room next door or something," Mariam said.

"Hmph," Bryan, er… Yeah.

"Does anyone actually know what happened to Spencer?" Tala asked.

"He probably hoover raped Emily," I said, shrugging.

"DID SOMEONE SAY 'HOOVER'?!"

Who was that?!

A minute later

Oh God.

Spencer has burst through the door.

"HOOVERNIZER, HOOVER-HOOVERNIZER, I'M A HOOVERNIZER. OH, HOOVERNIZER, OH, I'M A HOOVERNIZER BABY!"

* * *

+ A/N: StZen… It HAD to be put in XD I just… HAHAHAHAHAHA.


	33. STOP TICKLING MY BALLS!

+ Warnings: Hoover, sex-talk and gayness.

+ A/N: Bored, now.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 33: STOP TICKLING MY BALLS!**

Friday 9th May '08

7.30 in the am

You will all be very glad to know (or maybe not. Maybe you like me suffering) that things are quiet on the Spencer front. We have not heard one single Britney song out of him since 'Hoovernizer'.

A minute later

And 'Hoovernizer' isn't even a Britney song.

A minute later

Though, she would've been so much more interesting if she'd sang that.

Breakfast

8.03 in the am

"Kai, why are you reading _Cosmopolitan_?" I asked.

He was indeed reading _Cosmo_.

And that is a woman's magazine.

"I like to read the sex stuff," he replied.

"But you're not female," Tyson pointed out.

"I can dream!" Kai said.

Dream of being female?

But he doesn't like boobs.

Imagine if he had some attached to him!

Actually, no. Don't.

A minute later

"Oh! Mariam, did you know that you have another pleasure spot? It's called the PS Spot! It's just between your love muffin and your arsehole," Kai said.

"I really, REALLY didn't need to know that," Mariam replied. "I'm laying off the sex."

"I can confirm that she is," I said.

It's true.

I haven't gotten laid in ages!

A minute later

"Apparently, the best kind of oral sex to give is-"

"Kai, my lovely, you give the best oral sex ever. Now will you please put down that bloody magazine!"

"Yes, Tala…"

8.14 in the am

"Hoovers are great, Hoovers are fun, their suction feels fantastic on your big bum!" Spencer sang.

At least it isn't Britney Spears.

"Is that big bum remark aimed at me?" Kai asked, tears in his eyes.

"Kai, you are not the only one around here with a big arse," Tyson said.

"But his is the biggest," Lee nodded.

Please don't let Kai burst into tears. I don't want to drown.

A minute later

Emily has come over to us. She has a black eye. Obviously from where Mariam twatted her in the face a couple of days ago. I must tell Emily that the panda look is very flattering. On a panda. Hahahahahahahaaa.

30 seconds later

Why does she have a Hoover wrapped in ribbons?

30 seconds later

"I have a present for you," Emily said to Spencer.

"OOH! WHAT IS IT?!" he squealed.

It's a Hoover, you idiot.

"Why don't you un-ribbon it and find out?" Emily grinned.

'Un-ribbon'? What sort of word is that?

And HOW is Spencer not even realising that it's a HOOVER?!

I'm friends with idiots. I swear.

2 minutes later

"IT'S A HOOVER!"

Yes, Spencer. Well done.

"I shall name him Darius the Dyson!"

Why does it have to be male?

"Does Darius want a pineapple, Spencer?" Tala asked, looking ebil. Yes. Ebil. Kai held up a pineapple. I don't want to know where he's pulled that from.

"No. Darius does not want a pineapple. Darius wants my cock!" Spencer replied, glaring at Tala before running off with Emily and the Hoover.

"He is going to be unbearable, now," Tyson said, shaking his head.

He is right.

Maths

10.43 in the am

"So, if the suction is as powerful as X squared times forty-three and divided by five… How strong is the suction?" the teacher asked.

She must've seen Spencer receive his Hoover at breakfast this morning.

"THE SUCTION IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A HENRY THE HOOVER!" Spencer shouted.

"Correct," the teacher said.

What?

Lunch

12.22 in the pm

"Sucky, sucky, sucky, suckyness. Suck, suck, suck!" Spencer chanted.

"Spencer, can you please not unleash that Hoover at the table?" Mariam asked. "I really don't like the thought of having to eat this soup whilst you're getting sucked off by a Hoover that's hidden under the table."

"Suck, suck, suck! Bryan! I'm getting sucked!" Spencer said, as Bryan approached the table with his McFahrt.

"And on that note, I think we'll go and dine somewhere else," Bryan said. "Come, Elaine."

And they walked off.

I'd like to think that there wasn't a hidden meaning in those last two words he said.

That is what I'd like to think, but I know it'd be wrong.

5 minutes later

"Spenny!" a voice called.

The voice belonged to Emily.

Why can't she just bog off?!

"Yes, Emily dear?" Spencer replied.

"We must go and barricade ourselves in that caretaker's cupboard with Darius, now!" she said.

"Yes, my lovely!"

This is even more horrific than… Bryan and McFahrt doing the Caramelldansen.

I had to think there. Of all the horrific things that I have seen. And there have been far too many.

Room 101

3.10 in the pm

Peace.

And quiet.

I'd _so_ forgotten what this was like.

"I need to shave, again."

Okay, so maybe things aren't completely quiet. We do have Lee with us. But no Kai, Tala, Bryan or 'Spenny'. It's just me, Mariam, Tyson and el Furrio.

"I like this quietness, you know," I said.

"I don't," Tyson replied.

"I'm finding it all very odd," Mariam admitted. "I'm so used to randomness and noise and freaky people."

"We still have a freaky person in here," Tyson said, pointing at Lee.

"Me and my freakiness take a fence to that," Lee replied.

"Don't you mean 'offence'?" Mariam asked.

"Nope. I do mean a fence. I just need to find one, now, so I can beat Tyson around the head with it."

A minute later

"I really want to go and spy," Tyson said. "Do you want to go and spy?"

"I do want to go and spy," I replied, nodding. "Lee, do you want to go and spy?"

"I most certainly do want to go and spy," Lee answered, also nodding. "Mariam, do YOU want to go and spy?"

"No. But I know you three are going to drag me off with you, anyway."

She is correct.

Outside the 'Gay Loving Bondage Club' room

3.19 in the pm

I'd like to know how Kai and Tala got the do-ahead for this club. It really is full of bondage stuff. Whips, and chains, and handcuffs, and - oh my God. There's a giant dildo.

"Dude, look at that rubber dick!" Tyson exclaimed.

"Never mind the dildo, what are Robert and Johnny doing in there?" Mariam said, pointing at the two snobby forms.

"They look horrified," Lee giggled.

"You are not wrong," I said.

"I knew they weren't as straight as they made out to be. They probably hold massive gay orgies in their mansions," Tyson said.

"No, Tyson. I don't want any images of that," I said, slapping him around the head.

A minute later

Robert and Johnny have just rushed out of the door.

"So… Robert. Johnny. We never knew you were into that stuff," Tyson said, waggling his eyebrows at them.

"We most certainly are not!" Robert snapped back.

"We were looking for the chess club!" Johnny added.

Teehee.

"_Sure_ you were," I grinned.

"You never know, Tala and Kai might let you play chess with their fine selection of rubber penises," Tyson said.

They both let out a 'hmph', and rushed off down the corridor and out of sight.

"Denial," Tyson and I said at the same time, rolling our eyes.

5 minutes later

"Potential Daddy alert!" Tyson gasped.

"Where?" I asked.

"There! There! That one with the hair!"

… Wait.

"Tyson, everyone in the room has hair! Which person are you pointing at?!"

"That person that looks suspiciously like Miguel, and has Miguel's hair, and Miguel's flappy arse!"

Eww.

"So, it's Miguel?"

"Nooo, it's Brooklyn. Of course it's Miguel!"

"Don't you speak in sarcastic tones at me, Tyson."

"Ohh, what you gonna do, Maxie? Arse-rape me?"

"Miguel has a flappy arsehole?" Lee asked, breaking up mine and Tyson's mini-argument.

"Yes. It is why he always screwed me," Tyson nodded. "I didn't want to put my penis up an arsehole that flappy."

"That, and your penis is too small to go up any hole. Even a flappy one," I added.

"Shut it, Max."

A minute later

I think I'm going to physically be sick.

Miguel is using and abusing the giant dildo.

From what I can see, even Kai and Tala look a bit queasy.

Room 101

5.36 in the pm

Tala and Kai have returned. As has the madness. Kai and Lee are currently wrestling. Naked. No, I don't know why, either.

"Did you enjoy your first gay, bondage, thing?" I asked Tala.

"It was… An experience," he replied.

"I bet. We saw Robert and Johnny leave, you know. We stopped them on their way out. They were all red-faced and speechless," Tyson said, giggling.

"Ooooh, I know. It was fun taunting them with the double-ended dildo! I told them they could use it at the same time. I thought their heads were going to explode, because they were so damn red!" Tala laughed.

"I think they liked it in there, you know," I said. "We really didn't believe them when they said they were looking for the chess club."

"Well, they were in the right room, if their idea of chess involves whips and chains," Tala giggled. "Oh! Did you see Miguel and that giant dildo…"

"I wish we hadn't," Mariam said.

"I nearly vomited," I said.

"I felt a clenching sensation in my arse just from watching," Tyson added.

"Oookay… That was far too much information, Tyson," Tala said.

We all turned to watch the two naked loons wrestling.

"KAI! STOP TICKLING MY BALLS!"

* * *

+ A/N: The chess thing makes me think of Little Fate's story, 'Liquid Courage'. It's a Bryan/Robert story, and I loves it. I recommends that you goes and reads it.


	34. TYSON ATE MY GLASSES!

+ Warnings: Fluffyness, party rings, erections… Lee.

+ A/N: 'Men Overheard' is my saviour. Srsly.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 34: TYSON ATE MY GLASSES!**

Saturday 10th May '08

7.25 in the am

There are Party Rings.

Coming through the hole in the wall.

I can't handle madness this early in the morning. Seriously.

A minute later

"Kai! Stop wasting the Party Rings!"

"But Tala… Tyson, Max and Mariam might be hungry!"

"We're not, I can assure you!" I called through the wall.

"See, Kai? They're not, so stop throwing them our biscuits!"

5 minutes later

I've given up trying to sleep. So have Mariam and Tyson. There's too much noise coming from next door. God knows what Kai is now doing, but I do know it is not Tala.

Because they do not sound like that when they are having sexytime.

And I know what they sound like when they are having sexytime.

Because they have it a lot.

And it is not exactly quiet.

Nor does it sound like whatever that sound is.

A minute later

I must shave.

My face.

I've got a Santa beard.

Almost.

In the bathroom

A minute later

"What you doing?!" Tyson called to me.

"Well, not that it's any of your business, I happen to be having a shave!" I called back.

"Stick some Veet on your face. It beats shaving any day!" Tyson shouted.

What?

"So THAT'S where all my Veet Hair Removal Cream's been going!" I heard Mariam say.

I think I'll stick with the razor…

Breakfast

8.10 in the am

Yumm… bacon… you know, I don't think I've eaten bacon for ages. See? I'm not even _sure_ that I've eaten bacon since I've been here. We've eaten such odd stuff that bacon could've been in any of it, and I wouldn't have known.

A minute later

Of for the love of all things insane…

Kai and Tala have turned up.

And Kai is wearing a pair of glasses made out of Party Rings.

"Don't they look awesome?!" he exclaimed.

"So, you wouldn't let him throw us some Party Rings through the wall, but you happily let him make a pair of glasses out of some?" I asked Tala.

"Yes. It's art," he replied.

A few minutes later

"Hey, Mariam," Tyson piped up.

"Yes?" she asked.

"I was going to get one of those 'thingies' for your birthday. You know. Ages ago."

"Thingies?"

"Yeah, like a necklace for your wrist."

"You mean a bracelet?"

"Erm, yeah."

That was good of him.

Maybe he would've actually bought her one if could've remembered what they're called.

Instead of buying her the cactus that died within a week, because Kai's cat ate it.

A minute later

"Have you ever blown your nose so hard that you start to see colours in your eyes? It's really cool," Kai said.

"Are you sure that isn't just because you're wearing a pair of Party Rings glasses that I really want to eat?" Tyson replied.

"Eat them and die, bitch."

Room 101

10.34 in the am

You know… Saturdays are really boring. I mean, back in the day when we first joined the school, we were supposed to do Beyblade training.

Today… we are throwing ring doughnuts, and trying to hook them on Lee's erect penis.

"If I scratch my bits, girls find it unsexy, but if they did it, it would be so hot," Lee said.

"You fancy women?" I asked.

"No, Lee, the whole of you is unsexy, even without crotch-scratching," Tyson said.

I laughed.

Lee didn't.

A few minutes later

E-gad!

Tyson is now eating all of the doughnuts that have been attached to Lee's penis!

I think I'm going to be sick…

A minute later

"If I watch any more of this, I'm going to puke. Let's go out somewhere," Mariam whispered into my ear.

I'm game for that.

Walking Around Town

11.01 in the am

It's quite nice… walking around town… just me and Mariam. Though, I can't help but feel a bit paranoid that someone is following us. I know what the others are like.

"This is nice, isn't it?" Mariam said.

I nodded, and then realised she couldn't see me nodding, because she was looking in the opposite direction.

"Yes. Yes it is."

"No pregnant men… no continuously horny men… no madness… no Party Rings… no doughnuts… no Lee…"

"Yeah, this is the good life," I agreed.

Inspecting A Speed Camera

A few minutes later

"Do you think a bird could set one of these off?" I asked.

Mariam sighed.

What?! It's a perfectly serious question!

"I guess I'm never to be free of madness completely…" Mariam said.

A few seconds later

"But _do_ you think a bird could set one off?"

"No, Max."

At the Chip Shop Buying Chips. Obviously.

12.03 in the pm

We pretty much spent the last hour down by the river, cuddling and kissing. It was naaice. Though, I am sure I saw some suspicious red hair poking out from a nearby tree. I might just be imagining things, though.

Tala's hair attached to a tree is an odd thing to imagine. But ho hum…

"Here's your chips. Go and enjoy getting fat," said the woman at the counter.

"Why, thank you. We sure will," I said, grabbing our chips from the woman.

Yum… chips…

A few minutes later

Alright, I'm definitely sure I saw that red hair move.

Are we being stalked by Tala's hair?

Or is Tala attached to it, and he just can't hide the hair?

Outside Room 101

12.45 in the pm

I most definitely don't want to go back into this room. There is yelling and screaming and shouting coming from inside of it. Maybe Tyson's gone into labour?

Oh God.

"What the Hell are they doing in there?" Mariam asked.

"The only way we'll find out is by opening the door," I said.

"I'm not opening it. You can."

"No, what if Tyson's gone into labour? The last thing I need to see right now is a baby's head poking out of his arse."

"Max! That's disgusting!"

"Exactly. Which is why I'm not opening the door."

"I'll open the door," said a new voice.

Well, it's not that new. We know who it is. It's Spencer.

"No, don't open the door Spence," I said.

"I won't open the door, only if I can ask some advice…"

Oh God.

"Go on," I said.

"Well, I spilt water over my laptop keyboard today…"

"Dry it with a hairdryer," Mariam advised.

"Well, I thought about doing that, but I couldn't find one, so I used one of my Hoovers. Now I can't type anything with an 'x' in it."

…

"One of your Hoovers?" I inquired.

"Yes," Spencer said. "I have more than one."

"Honestly, Spencer… how often do you use the 'x' button?" Mariam asked.

"Quite a lot actually."

I'm not going to question it any further.

A minute later

Spencer just opened the bloody door, even though he said he wouldn't!

I am relieved to say that there is no baby head poking out of Tyson's arse. But there is an angry-looking Tala, a crying Kai, and an amusing Tyson and Lee.

"What the bloody Hell's going on in here?!" Mariam yelled.

God, she's got a gob on her… perfect for… shut up, brain.

"TYSON ATE MY GLASSES!" Kai yelled.

"I was hungry!" Tyson shouted.

"Well, maybe if we had nice friends, Max and Mariam would've bought us all some chips and you wouldn't have been hungry!" Tala said.

I _knew_ the bastard was following us!

3.10 in the pm

All has gone quiet… everyone's content… Tyson has food that Lee has provided (I politely refused some… God knows where Lee's got it from), Kai and Tala are making lots of pairs of Party Rings glasses, Mariam's reading a magazine, Lee is hiding in the bathroom… and I'm… chillaxing.

Ahhh, this is the good life.

"Oh my God! I think my contractions have started!"

Oh, holy Mother of fuck.

Can't we have just one moment's of peace?!

* * *

+ A/N: This is rushed and therefore shit. I don't even know why I'm bothering to update it anymore =| I'm not updating it regularly, it is a pile of shit, and I'm bored of it. *Shrugs*.


	35. Holy Gorilla Scrotums!

+ Warnings:

+ A/N: Have a good dose of 'Chronicles…' to cheer you all up (not that you need cheering up - I'm just saying, if you do need cheering up, have some of this - oh, shut up, brain).

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 35: ****Holy Gorilla Scrotums!**

Sunday 11th May

8.33 in the am

If one were to want a Freddie Mercury costume, where would one be able to find it?

A fancy dress shop maybe?

A Queen appreciation shop?

That's where I'd expect to find one. I did not, however, expect to have the dinner ladies hand me a Freddie Mercury costume (complete with extra bushy moustache) as I went into the canteen for 'breakfast' this morning.

I say 'breakfast', but I'm sure a jar of Nutella does not count as breakfast. That's all the dinner ladies gave me. Better than the jar of Bovril they gave Mariam, I suppose. Though, she's actually eating her Bovril.

… she's worrying me now.

Anyway, I was not the only one to be handed a Mercury costume. We all did. Like, every single person entering the canteen. And then McFahrt got up to make an announcement (cue Bryan's drooling) to say that we were having a Freddie Mercury appreciation day, because she listened to a Queen album last night, and was letting her inner fangirl out.

For some reason, the words 'fangirl' and 'McFahrt' do not belong together.

I cannot be the only one thinking this.

Room 101

9.01 in the am

We have all got our Freddie Mercury costumes on.

Surely he didn't wear this stuff?!

I've got a really cold chest. Because, you know, Mercury wore outfits to show off his masculine chest. I do not have a masculine chest. I have the chest of a ten year old boy. Mariam also does not have a masculine chest, but she is okay, because she's been given a flamboyant shirt.

"This would look a lot better if I actually had chest hair," I said, looking down at my very naked chest. Tala and Kai are in here, too, so I'm a bit worried they might try to pounce on me and stroke my chest.

It could happen.

"You don't have chest hair, because you haven't hit that level of puberty, Max," Lee said, laughing. Strangely, he kind of looks kind of normal in his Mercury costume.

"Fuck you, Lee," I replied. "I can get an erection, though, and that's all I care about, really."

Probably more information than they needed to know.

A few minutes later

"Anyone fancy going to the park?" Tala asked.

Not really.

"In these clothes? You must be joking," Tyson said.

Tyson has a point. He might as well be topless and just wearing a pair of trousers. Not only is his chest and moobs exposed, but his baby bump is, too.

It looks weird.

Weirder than normal, I mean.

"I really want to climb a tree," Kai said.

"Er, why?" I asked. Am I going to regret asking?

"Because I have not climbed anything in a while-"

"You've mounted me, though," Tala interrupted.

FAR. TOO. MUCH. INFORMATION.

"That is not the same as climbing a tree, though, "Kai pouted.

"Are you sure you'll be able to climb a tree again?" Tyson asked. Everyone stared at him. "I mean, I'm sure your arse has grown in size, Kai. What if it's too big for you to climb a tree?"

"OH MY GOD!" Kai exclaimed, looking horrified.

"There is only one way to find this out," Lee said. "We must go to the park and see if Kai can climb a tree!"

Oh God.

Walking Through Town Towards The Park

9.25 in the am

Everyone we walk past is staring at us.

I actually feel as though we're going to get arrested soon.

Probably for indecent exposure.

Tyson should not be allowed to be showing off that much moob.

I will advise him to get a bra or two.

A minute later

"Did you know that the toilet seat is the cleanest part of a toilet, because your bum squashes the bacteria?" Kai said.

As you do.

"No, Kai. That's only true if it's your toilet and you're the one using it," Tyson replied.

Tyson received a sharp slap around the face for that.

Oooh, Kai's a bitch!

At The Park

9.46 in the am

Kai is walking around, trying to find a suitable tree. We're still getting very odd looks off people. Though, a group of teenagers all dressed as Freddie Mercury complete with bushy moustaches is a very odd sight to see.

I'd stare at us if I was them, too.

Did that make sense?

"Max, I have a question," Lee said.

Oh God.

"Do I really have to be the one to answer it?" I asked.

"Yes. You're the one to give a more sensible answer," he replied.

"Who says I'd want to give you a sensible answer after you insulted my lack of chest hair?" I pointed out.

"I'm sorry for insulting your lack of chest hair. Now will you give a sensible answer to my question?"

"Possibly."

He pointed at the random ducks. They were bathing in a puddle. I think they got lost.

"If goose are geese, why aren't moose meese?" he asked.

What does that have to do with ducks?

"I don't know, Lee," I replied, and walked off.

A few minutes later

"I GOTTA TREE!" I heard Kai's voice yell.

Well done, Kai. I'm sure it was very difficult to catch that tree. Damn trees… always avoiding weird Freddie Mercury-alikes to stop them from climbing up…

A minute later

We have all gathered around the tree, to watch Kai attempt to climb up it. I'm sure this will be fantastically hilarious.

A minute later

"Kai, watch it! If you spread your legs too far, you're going to tear a hole in your arse!" Tala said.

… that sounds like something that should be in a really bad porn film.

Also, Tala is right. Kai has spread his legs too far, and now there is a rip in the arse of his Mercury costume.

He is wearing flowery boxers.

A minute later

"Err, guys…" Kai's nervous voice called down to us. "Help me. I'm stuck."

Oh bloody Hell!

"See?! Your arse is far too big for you to climb things, now!" Tyson shouted up. "Don't worry, if you fall, I'm sure your big bum will cushion the blow!"

I don't think that is calming Kai down as such.

He is now shrieking like a banshee.

A minute later

We gathered quite a crowd. Though, all of these random people seem to be ignoring the fact that we're all dressed up as Freddie Mercury, and are focussing their attentions on the one Mercury up the tree.

This does not as such bother me, because it means I am not being noticed, but…

"Oh my God! Freddie Mercury's stuck up a tree! Someone save him!" a woman yelled.

I don't think she knows that Freddie Mercury is in fact, er, dead.

5 minutes later

The fire brigade has been called now… I can hear them in the distance somewhere making their way to us… I'm just wondering if I can slink off with Mariam unnoticed by the others to spare us any more embarrassment.

I just _know_ I'd have to be the one to explain why Kai was up a tree, and why we're all dressed as Freddie Mercury. Something I don't particularly want to do.

"Mariam," I whispered into her ear.

She jumped about a foot into the air, and a scrabbled a few feet away from me, before turning around and scowling at me. What the bloody Hell was that all about? I suppose I did kind of sneak up behind her…

"Let's get out of here," I said.

She nodded.

And we ran for our lives.

A minute later

I don't know why we bothered running for our lives, because when I turned around to see if we were being followed, I saw that the fire engine had arrived, Tyson was trying to seduce one of the firemen, and everyone else was just generally still watching the very stuck Kai. Who was still crying.

Back At The School

In Room 101 To Be Precise

10.39 in the am

I cannot wear this moustache any longer. It's bad enough having a real one, let along a fake, furry one. Mariam's already taken hers off. And her entire costume, actually. In fact, she is just sat on our bed, wearing her underwear.

She should not do that to me.

She knows I cannot be held responsible for my own actions if she sits in front of me practically naked.

"I know what you're thinking," Mariam said to me.

Does she?

Because half of the time even _I_ don't know what I'm thinking.

"Oh? And what am I thinking?" I asked.

"That you have one extremely sexy girlfriend, and that you want to take advantage of having the room to ourselves for once," she replied.

I wasn't, actually.

Well, I kind of was.

Maybe.

I'm definitely thinking that now, though.

5 minutes later

Oh, how I wish this would happen more oft-

"YOU TWATS LEFT US THERE!"

Oh for fuck's sake!

Tyson and the others have burst in.

We're practically naked!

And- oh my God. So are they.

"Why aren't you wearing any clothes?!" I yelled at them all as they trooped in. Oh, don't mind us… we were only trying to make luurve here…

"Well, you're not," Kai pointed out.

"That is not the point at hand," I said.

"We're wearing our moustaches. Isn't that enough?" Lee asked.

No.

It isn't.

Mariam dived under our duvet and let out a very frustrated growl. I wouldn't be surprised if she's blown up under there. There's probably only her arms and legs left of her or something.

Lunchtime

12.03 in the pm

We are all back in our Mercury costumes. Complete with moustaches. Except, Tyson's stuck his above his eyes to make him look as though he's got a monobrow.

McFahrt is eyeing him murderously.

Though, I don't know why she's so offended by his monobrow, when she's blatantly got Brian May sat next to her.

I mean that as in… Bryan is dressed up as Brian May. She's not got the _actual_ Brian May of the world sat next to her.

"Bryan, how come you're the only one not dressed up as Freddie Mercury?" Mariam asked.

I didn't want to ask him, personally. He might've twatted me in the face or something. But he wouldn't dare hit Mariam. She'd castrate him.

"Because I'm special," he replied.

"Yeah, in the head," Kai giggled.

"Screw you, Hiwatari!" Bryan said, sticking his middle finger up at Kai.

"Now, now, Bryan. You know you're not allowed to stick that middle finger up, unless it's up my-"

"NO!" I yelled.

DO. NOT. WANT.

McFahrt and Bryan stared at me blankly.

"I was going to say up my tube of Smarties, to get the one stuck at the bottom," McFahrt said. "Don't you find that one _always _gets stuck at the bottom?"

I stared at her.

"What did you think she was going to say?" Bryan asked, smirking.

"Never mind," I replied, lowering my head and eating my… what is this, actually?

Judging by the way Bryan is still smirking, I guess McFahrt probably was going to say what I thought she was going to say. And I can't let those thoughts get into my head.

At all.

None.

A few seconds later

Bugger.

A few minutes later

"I just held in a fart for you. Is that romantic?" Lee asked Tyson.

Err…

Why would… Lee hold in a fart for… Tyson?

"It would be if you were my man. Which you are not. And even if you were, I would still fart in front of you, so next time, just let it out," Tyson replied.

"For a moment, I thought there was something you two weren't telling us," Tala said.

"Eww, no way," Lee said. "His arse is flappier than a flappy gearbox on a really shit car."

"You know this how?" Tala asked.

"Who hasn't seen his arse?" Lee replied.

He makes a good point, actually.

I have seen Tyson's arse more times than I care to remember.

Panic over.

Room 101

3.24 in the pm

Everything's so quiet in here. It's unnatural. We're all just reading magazines, newspapers, books, or in Lee's case, an instruction manual for a microwave.

I don't know where he got the manual from.

He found it in here somewhere.

We don't have a microwave, but we have the instructions for a microwave.

I suspect Spencer's been raiding the kitchens, stolen a new microwave, stolen the instructions for it, and left them in here. That is the only logical explanation I can think of.

"This microwave comes with a little metal rack that you can place in it to do cheese on toast with. That's amazing. I thought you couldn't put metal in a microwave," Lee said.

"Can you only use it for cheese on toast?" Tala asked.

"No, I assume you can use it for other stuff, but cheese on toast is the example they gave," Lee replied.

Right…

3.56 in the pm

There is someone a-knocking at our door.

It must be someone we don't know or aren't particularly close to.

Because everyone in our little group has a key to our door.

Courtesy of Tala and Kai. Bastards.

A minute later

More knocking.

Obviously no one else is going to answer the door, so I might as well answer it…

A few seconds later

Holy gorilla scrotums! It's…

"Oh, hi, Ian!" Tala said, looking up at the door, and spotting his purple-haired, miniature Russian chum stood there.

"You bastards left me alone in Russia!" Ian yelled, looking quite angry.

"And it's taken you nearly a year to notice?" Tala asked.

"I had issues tracking you all down!" Ian replied.

"Well, you found us. What do you want?" Tala asked, returning his attention to my limited edition copy of Spiderman.

"I don't know! I just wanted to yell at you!" Ian replied. He then looked around the room. "It looks a bit crowded in here. Where am I going to sleep?"

"Who says anything about you staying here?" Tyson asked.

"You do realise, Ian, that this is technically a school?" Mariam pointed out.

"Yes. I sorted it all out with that big lady. The one Bryan was shagging when I walked in," Ian replied.

E gad.

"Well, then. You can have Bryan's bed. I'm pretty sure he doesn't use it anymore. You'll be sharing the room with Spencer, who has developed a fetish for electrical appliances - namely Hoovers - and Emily York. Don't ever hope for a proper meal from the dinner ladies, and don't ever expect a normal day," Tala said.

That really does pretty much sum things up.

Later on in the evening some time

Ian has gone to make himself comfy in his new room. Lee has disappeared somewhere, thank God. But Tala and Kai are still here. Discussing full moons. And seahorses. And sex.

"Seahorses mate under the full moon, Tala. So can we tonight?" Kai asked.

"If that's what you want," Tala replied.

"But, wait… OH MY GOD! What if you turn into a werewolf?!" Kai exclaimed.

"Kai, I am not a werewolf," Tala said, sighing.

"BUT WHAT IF YOU DO TURN INTO ONE?! I can't have sex with a werewolf!"

"I'm not a werewolf!"

"But you might be one!"

"I'm not!"

Uh oh. Gay fight. Everyone hide.

Some time later

Tala and Kai have returned to their room. Of course, with the hole in the wall, we can still hear everything they're saying and doing. So they might as well have just stayed in here.

A minute later

They have definitely made up.

We can hear the lip-smacking.

A minute later

Wait a minute… Tala's put on some music.

'Eat You Alive' by Limp Bizkit.

"YOU LIED! YOU ARE A WEREWOLF! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"I'M NOT A WEREWOLF, KAI!"

* * *

A/N: I couldn't add anything onto the end of that. I just couldn't think of anything XD

Also… it's been over a year since I started this story… I've only just realised.

And finally… thanks MarianQ. For the Smarties and the werewolf/seahorse thing. XD


	36. THE BRA IS TO BE FEARED AND RESPECTED

+ A/N: ... AM I BEING KIDNAPPED?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

... BWAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

* * *

**Chronicles of Max**

**Chapter 36: THE BRA IS TO BE FEARED AND RESPECTED**

Monday 12th May.

7.32 in the am

Y'know, when I woke up I could've sworn it was to the pitter-patter of tiny feet. At least I thought so, only when I woke up it transpired that it was actually the sound of Ian's tiny booties kicking shit out of the wall as Kai and Tala FORCED HIM ASSWAYS THROUGH THE GLORY-HOLE.

"Kai! Tala!" I yelled, waking Mariam, _"What in the name of arse are you doing?!_"

Tyson really can sleep through anything, the bastard.

"What does it look like?" Tala called back to me, over the sounds of Ian screaming _HEEEEEEEELP!!_ and Kai giggling in a very _ebil_ manner. Me and Mariam are now sat here, powerless (and too effing tired) to do anything as poor Ian gets fed into our room inch by inch.

Er, centimetre by centimetre.

Millimetre by millimetre?

Actually, I don't think he's moving at all.

Mariam looks at me with a very irritated expression. Ian is still screaming and I can hear some heated debate coming from Kai and Tala over their side.

"D'you reckon they've got him stuck?" Mariam asks, like she knows it's totally obvious. There's a nasty scratching noise from next door and the next thing Ian screeches is "THE DRYWALL IS SLICING MY ARMPITS, YOU ASSHOLES!!"

I feel the need to make the situation better.

"Ian, I think you'll find that's the least of your worries, as everything you see, hear and smell with is now stuck on that side of the wall".

Wait, that's not very reassuring, but it is true, as now he will be forced to witness Kai and Tala's very loud and very frequent lovemaking.

"It could be worse, Max", Mariam admits audibly, "Imagine what they'd do if it was his arse over there".

I would say she has a point but she's just gone and done what I wanted to do.

Why is she so much better at this than I am?!

Tala has picked up on this.

"Dammit Kai!! I knew we should have shoved him in the other way!"

"WELL MY BRAIN FARTED!"

Er...

Tyson is stirring in his pit of doom. I care not. Ian cannot stay stuck in my wall. For once, Tala seems to agree with me.

"Max, can you pull him through from that side?"

I MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT!

"I am _not_ touching his ass!"

"I WANNA TOUCH AN ASS!", Tyson has awoken...Ian shouts something like "YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!" but he's panicking so much it's hard to tell.

"Pull his ankles, idiot!" Tala scoffs at me in a very scoffery way.

I look at the little flailing booties. That would have made more sense.

7.44 in the am

Tyson and I both latched onto a leg each and pulled as Ian made some very muffled squawks like someone had mashed their hands into his face, but he did not budge. Tala is now stomping over here in a very stompery way because in his words we were "_obviously_ not pulling right".

Bitch.

One minute later

Tala banged open the door and had just grabbed Ian's dangling ankles when he started screaming like a stuck pig again, or a stuck dwarf, depending on how accurate you wanna be.

"_What?!"_, Tala snapped, sounding very snappery...Mariam mumbled something about Man-PMS and made me chuckle, which earned me _A LOOK._

"Your hands are fucking cold!" Ian complained. Tala rolled his eyes and grabbed on again.

"Okay Kai, are you ready to-"

"_AAAAAAAGH! AAAAAHH!!! OH MY GOD!!!"_

Ian's legs are flying around frantically and Tala had to let go. They stopped very suddenly, and everything went quiet. Tala looked very serious for a moment and glanced at me and Mariam before calling next door.

"Kai, what have you done?" he asks knowingly.

There is a very long pause.

"Uhm...nuuuthing!"

Tala zooms to room 102 at lightning speed, over to Kai who we can hear humming innocently in a very guilty way.

A minute later

With Ian blocking the hole it is very hard to hear exactly what is going on, but I am not wrong in identifying _that_ noise as a zipper being zipped up.

"Change of plan, Max", Tala calls, "Now that he's all limp and unconscious maybe you can push him back over to us".

A few minutes after that

It takes a bit of effort but the three of us manage to send Ian back where he came from. Tyson thinks he did the most work because he was "touching more". I beg to differ, but he's probably right.

39 seconds later

THOSE FUCKERS HAVE JUST RAMMED HIM BACK IN THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!

I should have seen that coming.

"_What did you do that for?!_", I yelled.

"We wanted his arse...arses are more fun", Kai dutifully explained.

8.36 in the am

The Ian thing has made us very late for breakfast. At least I think it's breakfast.

Does it count as breakfast if it's staring at you?

I have done better than Mariam, at least mine might be edible. She has been given a toy tractor.

Kai and Tala were here before us. It was kind of weird not seeing them leave, but as there is a midget in our peek-hole it was a bit hard.

"He prefers _dwarf,_ you know", Tala squinted at me in a very squinty way. He had his voice lowered so it was just between me and him. It was very scary...it made my breakfast do a runner.

Kai latched himself onto Tala's earlobe at that point though, so the squinty PMS eyes have been distracted elsewhere, and I turn my attention to Tyson who is looking at his breakfast like he might actually try and tackle it. I might puke if he does though, because that is very obviously a tyre track running down the middle of it.

Mariam is rolling her breakfast over the table and muttering "_Brum! Brrrum!" _under her breath. I have put my head on her shoulder, because while it is weird, it is cute.

9.02 in the am

Biology

On the way to class we saw something very unfamiliar happening outside. We all knew it was rain, but it's been ages since we've seen any.

I thought it was supposed to rain a lot in England?

Anyway, the weather is having an extreme affect on everyone it seems, because each person I meet looks bloody miserable. And I don't mean ordinary "Monday sucks" miserable, I mean proper depressed, woe betide our lives and "don't-you-wish-we-were-back-in-the-good-old-days" miserable. Kai was walking alongside Tala trying to hide in his armpit shaking his head muttering "Don't like it...don't like it one bit".

Even the biology teacher just sat there staring out the window for twenty minutes sighing before disappearing into the storeroom. Tala opened his mouth like he was going to say something and paused for effect to make it meaningful, but Kai seemed to think his mouth had fallen open by accident and pushed his chin up to close it. Opening it again seemed like a lot of effort, perhaps, because it stayed closed.

And if it couldn't get any more depressing, Blodge teacher just reappeared with her giant pickling jar and tears streaking down her face.

"C-class! I'd like to introduce you to my husband, Toby", she wailed, stroking the glass with one hand and fishing around for the dead frog still floating around inside with the other.

"W-w-w-w-_we u-u-u-us-sue-used t-t-t-t-t-to c-c-c-c-call him "T-Toady" as a j-jo-jo-j-jo-ho-ho-ke_", she bawled, before splashing arms and head into the jar trying to grab the slimy thing.

"_IT'S A JOKE BECAUSE HE'S A FROOOOG!!" _she cried when she emerged, covered in pickling mixture and brandishing "Toby" at us, his little froggy limbs jiggling all over the place.

Kai has gone a little weepy too, he is staring at the teacher with big wet eyes and nodding like he knows just how she feels. Tala is looking unimpressed at him in a way which says he is very unimpressed.

Lunch

12.03

_Brrrrrrrrrum! Brrrrruuuum!!!!_

Toy cars are fun. I am jealous of Tyson's toy truck though. _He's _not even playing with it, _he's _just looking at it like he wants to eat it.

I wonder if he'll trade me.

"Tyson, I will give you my car if you let me play with your truck!"

"Is there any more meat on your car, dude? I'm fucking starving" he mumbles miserably, rolling his truck towards me.

"So, you don't want the car then?" I ask him. He shakes his head and lays it on his arms on the table.

I know I should ask him what's wrong but....SCORE! I GOT A CAR _AND_ A TRUCK! IN YOUR FACE MARIAM!

She wrinkles her nose at me and tries to crash into my new truck with her breakfast tractor and lunch trailer. Kai and Tala have Tyson covered, literally. He has sat up and they are guarding his bump with their lunch tanks.

"AIR ATTACK!" comes a manly moustache voice from nowhere and the next thing Kai and Tala know they are being attacked by Bryan and McFarht's toy fighter jets.

"AAAH!" Tala screams, covering his head with one hand," WE NEED BACKUP!! RED ALERT! COME IN COMRADE BRITNEY!"

Next thing we know the table is lifted waaaay up off the ground as Spencer appears from under it with his very impressive toy submarine. I would be annoyed about the table if that wasn't so fucking cool!

He roars and "guns down" the jets (_PYOUM PYOUM!!)_ , causing McFarht and Bryan to very realistically "die" on the canteen lino. Kai and Tala shout "Yay!" and snog over Tyson, who looks like he's about to explode with rage, while Spencer does a victory howl that is a little too in-character for my liking, and strides off purposefully across the canteen with the table still balanced on his head to grab Emily in one arm and hoist her over his shoulder. He then used the table as a battering ram to crash out the canteen doors.

The whole thing would have been so very impressive and legendary if only Spencer didn't have his skirt tucked into his knickers.

The canteen is staring between us, and the door Spencer carried Emily out. Some lone weirdo is applauding like crazy.

30 seconds later

Everyone turns to glare at Lee, who takes not a blind bit of notice and continues to give his standing ovation.

Tyson is looking positively murderous...we are going to have to get some food into him.

2.31 in the pm

Art

Art class has been weirdly like Biology, but remove the frog and replace it with that picture we once took of Tala's erection. It is still raining, so that is what I shall blame.

"Just look at this close up", she sniffs, "see this little furry patch just here? That's my _personal_ favourite part..." None of us are looking at the projection except for Kai and Tala. Kai is looking very menacingly at the teacher and is gripping the back of his chair so tightly the plastic is creaking.

Tala just looks very red and embarrassed. His whole body is the same colour as his hair. Or at least the bits of his body I can see.

30 seconds later

Well, his penis might not be red, I know I can see that bit on the screen and it is not red...but that is not his current penis.

A few more seconds later

Well, it is the same penis, but it is not an up to date image of the one in his pants.

Five seconds after that

So I can't really say if it too is the same colour as the rest of him.

Some more seconds later

Or the parts of him I can see.

22 and a half seconds after the last second of the last seconds.

I should stop thinking about Tala's penis. On basic brain-sanitation grounds and on the grounds that Kai looks like he is about to gut the teacher at any moment. Thank fuck class is nearly over.

Five minutes later

She has turned around to us and we are all forced to pay attention, meaning we are all forced to stare at Tala's penis. Not his actual penis obviously but the one on the- SHUT UP, BRAIN.

The teacher raises her hand to the image and in a snottery voice says "A true work of art", before she bursts out crying properly. The bell ding-dongs and we all get up to leave, I prod Tyson to make him stand and promise myself that we will hunt him some food straight away, he has gone very pale and is looking at a bowl of wax fruit like he could risk the indigestion.

The teacher catches Tala by the arm as we're leaving and holds him back. Kai looks like he might have a fit, and so, in the interest of health and safety I drag him out the door.

"But Max..._Tala_", he whines, pointing behind him. But all is to rights when Tala comes running out the door at top speed, the art teacher following with her VERY EXPENSIVE HIGH-TECH CAMERA that costs about £1000 to replace shouting "JUST A FEW PICTURES!! PLEASE!!"

4.09 in the pm

Room 101

"IF I DON'T GET SOMETHING TO EAT RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO EAT ONE OF YOOOOU!!!!"

Tyson has just hit the roof, we hadn't even got in the door when he started shouting at us and turning the place upside-down looking for something he could eat. Kai snuck Jeffers out of his cage and hid him in his hair because even the hamster was not safe from this degree of starvation.

"BABY WANTS FOOD! TYSON WANTS FOOD!", he is being quite irrational, but none of us want to say anything, even Ian, who is probably very angry about still being lodged in a wall, is just staring on in utter fear.

Tala is missing, perhaps he has gone to rectify the situation.

A minute later

Teehee...rectum.

4.19 in the pm.

Something has just whizzed past my head and someone shouted "BISCUITS!!!!!" very loudly. Tyson has stopped demolishing the room and spun around to catch whatever it was.

Oh guess what, it's a packet of BN biscuits.

10 seconds later

I should say "was".

"Duuude", Ian is the first one to speak as Tyson removes some shredded plastic wrapping from between his teeth. I turn around and Tala is standing there looking very serene.

"Where did you get a packet of biscuits?!" I shouted. It has just occurred to me that I should get very annoyed if he has had biscuits all this time and none of us have had anything to eat all day.

He taps his nose shrewdly and produces another packet from behind his back, which Mariam snatches and takes five of, stuffing her face, and ohm-nomming them all in one. I would normally say no to biscuits from Tala when he won't tell me where he got them.

But I am very _very_ hungry.

A minute later.

Mmmmm...Tala has just made up for his rudeness this morning.

6.26 in the pm

We are all sitting around doing fuck all again. As it is still pissing from the sky, I blame it.

Everyone takes it in turn to sigh heavily. As far as I can tell, it goes Kai, Mariam, Ian, Tyson, Me, Tala, Mariam. Mariam gets to go twice because she is the only girl.

A few minutes later

Tyson does not take his nineteenth turn and instead throws his hands up in the hair.

"WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! WE CAN'T NOT DO SOMETHING!" he shouts, all frustratedly.

We all sit like he hasn't said anything, then Lee walks in the door with his clothes over his arm...you know, as opposed to wearing them.

"S'up dudes?" he says, "Lunch was good!"

I offer up a weak smile. He looks at us oddly, then light seems to hit his face.

"OH MY GOD", he says.

"What?", we all ask.

"Y-you...there's....WHAT'S HAPPENED, GUYS? WHERE'S THE LUNACY? SOMETHING BAD HAS HAPPENED! I KNOW IT!" he's flapping his arms and running on the spot, looking between us all.

Mariam shrugs at him.

"It's raining", she says.

7.10 in the pm

The sighing circle now goes Kai, Mariam, Tyson, Ian, Tala, Lee, Me, Jeffers, Mariam.

The hamster doesn't really sigh, but Kai is sighing for him.

Five minutes later

"I'VE GOT IT!" Tala yells, standing up and throwing his fists up like he's won something.

"What?" I ask.

"Something we can do!" Tala exclaims all excited. Everyone perks up, even Jeffers.

"Let's have a competition!" Tala continues, I raise an eyebrow.

"Let me guess, "One where you have to drop your pants"", I say, very sarcastically. Tala shakes his head, smiling in a way I'm not sure I like.

"No Max, one where you have to bare your chest", he says, looking to the sky and throwing a hand out to squish one of Kai's moob-muscles. Kai giggles.

"Okay, bare your chest and what?" Tyson asks, sticking his hands up his t-shirt in preparation.

"Have your nipples twisted", Tala explains, "The person who can go the longest without howling in pain wins".

"Tala has happy nipples", Kai says quietly, taking Jeffers out of his hair and releasing him on the carpet.

"I'm afraid I cannot compete in your sick-ass competition Tala, as my nipples are not in this room", Ian states. Tala shrugs and strips off his top half.

We all stare.

He really does have happy nipples.

He also has pierced nipples. THAT IS NOT FAIR! HE HAS TRAINING IN NIPPLE PAIN!

But back to the fact that the bars have googly eyes on them, and someone has drawn a smiley mouth underneath. Kai is grinning like he is very proud of himself for some reason.

7.20 in the pm

Everyone but me seems to have overlooked the fact that Mariam is a girl and should probably keep her shirt on, including Mariam, who quite happily tossed it off and is sitting amongst the rest of us in nothing but her bra.

Tala has paired us off randomly in twos, he is with Lee, I am with Tyson and Kai is with Mariam. I am still highly concerned about what twisting might do to her nipples, but I am slightly more concerned that AAAAAAAH AAAAAH OOOOOHHHHH!!!!

Dammit. I lost.

A few minutes later

"YOU DIDN'T WARN ME!" I shouted, rubbing frantically at my stinging chest.

"But Tala said go", Tyson shrugged, then pointed to his own moobicle, "Twist, man."

And I did it.

And something horrific happened.

HIS WHOLE MOOB TWISTED WITH IT.

IT TWISTED AND FLOBBERED AROUND IN A FLABBERY FLOBBERY WAY.

I nearly did a mini-sick. But I hung on and after fourteen sickening turns Tyson finally started tearing and screamed "UNCLE!!!!"

Next up was Mariam and Kai. Mariam twisted sharply and quickly, making most of us hiss and cross our arms over our chests. Kai looked a little distracted, and made us wonder if he was feeling anything at all. We stared on in amazement, but Tala seemed to sense something was up, and walked up behind Kai to turn his head down to look at what was happening to him.

Mariam went to town and pinched HARD. I could see it in her face. Kai struggled hard to compute and eventually,

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHHHHHHHH! TAAAAAAAAAALAAAAAAA! WHAT'S SHE DOING TO ME???????"

"Kai's out", was all Tala said, "Mariam, you can keep that harness on, most of us don't wanna see your fun-bags".

Well, I _never! _How _dare _he insult Mariam's fun-bags?!

"Cool", she said, and turned to Kai, whose eyes went totally wide as he stared down, shaking his head and going, "N-n-nuh-uh! NUH-UH!" and put his hands down the back of his trousers before crawling into the corner and kicking his legs.

Tala sighed and patted Kai on the back, gave him a kiss on the noggin and turned to Lee.

"TWIST, LEOPOLD!" he demanded, pointing at his right one.

Is his nipple called Leopold, or is Lee's full name Leopold?

I shall have to ask about this some time.

Lee came up a bit too quick, but seemed to remember what might happen after this episode.

Poor Lee, it really is a lose, lose situation here. Twist and he will be met with the mother of all twists, don't twist, and the same may occur.

Lee has gripped the happiest nipple, and he twists. Tala has his hands on his hips, and is bearing no expression.

7.52 in the pm

Tala has not even squeaked. Lee is looking more and more afraid by the minute.

I am trying hard not to laugh...it's just kinda funny seeing one hairy dude standing there holding another bloke's nipple for that long.

Tyson suddenly shouts "GO FOR IT, LEE!" and Lee takes this inspiration, and almost yanks Tala's ring out, and lo and behold, Tala shouts out.

He refrains from comforting his assaulted nipple, which has been smudged to look very much like an in-pain nipple. I had almost forgotten how stupidly competitive this guy is.

"BARE 'EM", he demands, pointing at Lee's chest.

"They're out", is all Lee says, looking down at his hairy skin-suit. Tala looks grossed out for a second, but then closes in on the nipple location, parting the hair and finds two ancient sticky Wine Gums.

"These aren't nipples!!" Tala snaps, angrily. Lee looks down.

"My nipples are under them", he explains.

"I can't twist your nipples if they're protected by Wine Gums!"

Lee looks a little put out. Tala squints nastily again.

"Although..."

30 seconds later

EWW, EWW AND TRIPLE EWW!!

TALA HAS JUST RIPPED THE WINE GUMS OFF LEE'S CHEST.

I SWEAR A BIT OF NIPPLE CAME WITH IT!

Plenty of hair came with it.

And needless to say, Lee is now rolling around on the floor crying and screaming and gripping fistfuls of chest hair.

Tala spins around and looks at all of us.

Does anyone care who won?

"I think I should win by default", Mariam says, standing up and staring Tala down. Tala looks shocked at her, and then does the squinties.

"Oh no you don't", he says and OH MY GOD HE IS REACHING FOR HER BOOB!

I don't know if I am more impressed at Tala reaching for a girl's boob, or horrified that he is about to molest my girlfriend.

"NOOOOOOOOO TALA!" Kai screams, "DON'T TOUCH THE BOOBIES!..._No offence"_, he whispers loudly at Mariam. Tala does not stop his slow-motion grabbing, though before he can twist or I can do anything to stop him, Mariam squeals and her fist shoots out.

"Sorry", she says, looking very awkward, and crossing her arms over herself. Tala points from where he is lying on the floor and shouts "CHICKEN", before sitting up and revealing his very red eye.

A minute later

"You're all freaks", Ian says from the hole in the wall, who is looking on highly unamused.

"Shut it, pipsqueak!" Tyson snarls, irritably. Tala shoots to standing.

"DON'T YOU TALK TO HIM LIKE THAT!!" he shouts.

Tala is very defensive of Ian for someone who also lodged him in a wall-hole.

8.42 in the pm

We have all got our shirts back on, and are all recovering on mine and Mariam's bed. Everyone except Lee and Ian, Lee has gone to the nurse with the bit of his nipple, and Ian has not been released from his drywall trap. I am lying on my belly, Mariam has her head on my back, and her legs over Kai, who is lying on Tala's chest as Tala's head is propped against Tyson's bump and I am writing in my diary which is resting on Tyson's face. He is asleep so it doesn't matter.

"Guys?", Tala pipes up from behind his ice-pack.

"Yeah", we answer.

"...Nothing", he says.

9.02 in the pm.

A thought has just struck me.

"Mariam?" I ask.

"Yeah?"

"Can Tyson borrow one of your bras?"

"Why?" she asks.

"For his moobs...they have become outsized and need containing".

"Okay", she says sleepily, getting up and going to her drawer.

A few minutes and a million bras later

We are all watching the under-garments flying in every direction as Mariam decides which bra she can willingly give up. In the end, she snatches the one Tala, whose eye is starting to go black, is strapping around a snoozing Kai and declares that Tyson may have that one until he gets his own.

It is pink with lace...and I am imagining Tyson in it.

30 seconds later

That's wrong, isn't it?

Ian has just done a yawn and is looking around at us very tetchily.

"Don't you guys ever _do_ anything?" he asks. Tala eyes him like he's got two heads.

"Like _what?_" he asks.

"Like what you used to", he explains, "Like Beyblade!"

Me, Mariam, Kai and Tala all look at one another, and then ASPLODE laughing.

9.15

We woke Tyson up and offered him the bra, which he looked at oddly, but accepted, and pulled off his shirt. Mariam helped him put the thing on and adjusted the straps. Tala is laughing, but Kai looks horrified.

I have to admit, the bra certainly improves things...there is a lot less jiggling going on, but what has distracted everyone's attention is the array of shit now lying on the top of Tyson's bump where his moobs used to lie.

"Tyson", Mariam starts in astonishment, "Don't you ever _wash?_"

"Yeah, but it's a little hard to get everywhere when you're carrying the weight of a baby on your front!"

"Tyson, that is not healthy!" I cry. Tala is now trying to fit Kai's ass into one of Mariam's bras.

Not in a million years, Tala.

But back to the initial thing.

From my position behind this diary, I can see old gummi bears and pizza, a battery, sock-fluff, what looks like a clump of long black hair and...is that Dragoon?

"That's where I put him!" Tyson exclaims, and picks the bit out of his fold-debris.

Mariam has produced a bucket of soapy water, a squeegee and rubber gloves from nowhere and is now squeegeeing the shit off the top of Tyson's bump. It makes a nasty screechy noise, and we all wince simultaneously.

"All clean", she smiles, looking at Tyson's gleaming bump.

"I don't even know where Draciel is", I admit out loud.

I really don't know.

I look around at the devastation.

Meh, he's probably in here somewhere.

"Yeah...I lost Wolborg ages ago", Tala yawns, picking up another bra. Kai giggles with a very sneaky look on his face.

"Kai?" Tala asks his grinning compadre, putting Kai's legs in the arm-holes and shimmying it up so the cups were sitting up on his ass.

"Do you have him Kai?"

Kai is going red in the face with the effort of trying to keep his secret secret. He has Wolborg, we all know it.

We all stare at him as he slowly goes purple.

3 minutes later

Wait for it.

"WOLBORG AND DRANZER HAVE GONE TO LIVE IN THE BELLY OF MR. TWINKLE-TOES!!!" Kai shrieks, and then tears off into very high-pitched peels of _ebil_ laughter. Tala stands over him and points an accusing finger.

"AHA! SO _THAT'S _WHAT YOU WERE DOING WHEN YOU WERE PERFORMING THAT SO-CALLED STOMACH-STAPLE!!" he screams.

Ian sighs and his head drops. He is taking the insanity of his teammates much more calmly that I expected. He also seems to be less annoyed about being stuck in a wall.

"Whatever happened to Sharkrash?" I ask Mariam. But Tala interrupts before she can answer.

"_Sharkrash?_ What's your bitbeast? A fish with Syphilis?" he asks.

"SHARKTHRUSH!" Kai cries joyously, and tears off laughing again. Tyson takes time out of poking his harnessed moobs to laugh as well. Even I have to admit, that is kind of funny. Mariam doesn't agree.

"SHUT IT!" she yells as lightning cracks outside.

9.47 in the pm

Tyson has put his shirt back on and is looking in the mirror.

"What do you think?" Mariam asks him.

"These things are really comfortable", Tyson deduces, poking his perky moob.

_SNAP!!_

"YEOWWWWWWWWW!"

We all look at Kai, who is clutching his backside as Tala gasps and covers his mouth with his hands.

"I'M SORRY!" he says, and pulls Kai's trousers off his bum too inspect the damage.

Not that I wanted to look, but no one could miss that whiplash mark. It practically took skin off his arse.

Mariam crosses her arms and hops up onto the bed, pointing her rubber-gloved finger at Kai's ass.

"THE BRA IS TO BE FEARED AND RESPECTED!!" she bellows louder than the thunder.

Then the bed rose waaaaay off the ground, as Spencer appeared underneath it, roaring like a rhino on fire, and beating his chest. He stomped across the room, myself and Tyson jumping out of his path as he went and crashed down the door to room 101 with the bed, and a very scared Kai, Mariam and Tala still balanced on his head.

He is now wearing his knickers fully outside his skirt...but for some reason it detracts less from the general AWESOMENESS.

I can only think of two things.

How long has he been under there?

And when will he be back with my bed?

* * *

+AN: ... I think I'm back. MY STORY WAS HIJACKED BY A CERTAIN AGENTTUESDAY!

She did a FANTESTICLES job, though.

So yes, as this entire chapter was written by her, you should address your reviews to her.

She stalks my reviews anyway. She'll see them.

Now... I need to get Ian out of that wall... and I need to get Max's bed back...


	37. Lee, Your Testicles Are Smiling At Me

+ Warnings: Stuff.

+ A/N: Now, don't die or anything… but yes. It really is me. Updating. Enjoy.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 37: Lee, Your Testicles Are Smiling At Me**

Tuesday 13th May

7.45 in the am

LAST TIME, IN CHRONICLES OF MAX… IAN GOT RAMMED INTO THE GLORY HOLE IN THE WALL BETWEEN OUR ROOM AND TALA AND KAI'S ROOM… IT RAINED… AND SPENCER RAN OFF WITH MY BLOODY BED.

I've always wanted to introduce something like that.

A minute later

Also, I did not get my bed back. We've had to sleep on the floor. Mariam, Kai and Tala did return about twenty minutes after Spencer charged out of the room like a rhino on heat that had just seen a very large vagina. But they returned without the bed.

They claim Spencer had 'misplaced' the bed.

I don't know how you can misplace a bloody bed.

Only Spencer could manage it.

A minute later

I bet I know where I'd find it, actually.

I'll be checking that caretaker's cupboard later. Spencer practically lives in there as it is. He probably stole my bed to make the cupboard more homely.

A minute later

"Can someone please get me out of this wall?"

"Ian, what is the probability that I will get arse-raped by Tala and Kai if I help you out of that wall?" I ask.

"Very high. But I don't care. Just get me out of here!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TAKE HIM OUT. WE'RE HAVING TOO MUCH FUN VIOLATING HIM!" was heard from the other side of the wall.

"Ian… do I want to know how they've violated you…?" I asked.

"Oh, Max. It's awful. They say they've done a French manicure on my toenails," Ian replied, with tears streaming down his face.

"That's not too bad…" I said.

"Tala and Kai can do French manicures?" Mariam asked. "How much do they charge?"

"A FIVER AND A BLOWJOB!" came Kai's voice from the other room.

"FROM MAX," Tala shouted.

Mariam looked at me.

I looked at Mariam.

"Don't even think about it," I said.

A minute later

"Guys… this is completely off-topic, but… do you reckon it's possible to have sex with a sausage roll?" Tyson asked.

…

"Why, Tyson? Just… why?"

30 seconds later

"I suppose you could if it was frozen…" Mariam answered.

Oh, Jesus.

"Why would you freeze a sausage roll, though?" Tyson asked.

"To have sex with it, clearly," I said.

Breakfast

8.03 in the am

Oh, really. Is a normal mealtime far to much for ask for in this place? It is these times that make my wonder why the Hell we ever came to this place. In fact, does anyone actually remember? I sure as Hell don't.

"Me and Elaine are getting married today."

What?

Did I just hear that right, or has staring at this crocodile testicle on my plate addled with my brains more than I think?

"Well, I say married. It's a mock wedding. In preparation for the real thing."

Bryan still seriously wants to get married to that mad woman?

"But we need a vicar. Or someone just to act as vicar…"

Oh God. I sense a favour being asked…

"So, Max. You're not busy today, right?"

I fucking knew it.

30 seconds later

I have somehow agreed to be Bryan's mock vicar.

I didn't even need to open my mouth.

Mariam just yelled that I'd do it.

Bitch.

5 minutes later

Bryan is going on about his mock wedding to McFahrt. Really. I am not interested. I do not want to be a part of that relationship at all. This includes being their vicar.

"Morning, chums."

Lee's here- oh my God.

"Lee, your testicles are smiling at me," I say.

Really. They are smiling at me.

"Wow, Lee! You have happy testicles, and I have happy nipples!" Tala exclaimed, whipping out said happy nipples.

I am still in shock that Lee's testicles are smiling at me. I wish he'd sit down or something.

30 seconds later

They are smiling at me because he's drawn a happy face on each of them, and is letting them dangle out of the sides of his mankini.

You cannot begin to imagine what this looks like.

Well… you probably can. But you really don't want to.

A second later

It's probably too late for you to not to imagine what this looks like, now.

You are probably imagining it.

In your brain.

Where you imagine things.

Weird things. Like Lee's happy testicles.

Shut up, Max.

A minute later

"Lee… did you have to shave your balls to draw those smiley faces on?" Tyson asked.

"They're tattoos. And yes, obviously I did."

He had his balls tattooed? Surely that hurt?

"Lee… have you used my razor again?" I asked.

"… erm… no…"

"Bitch!"

Biology

10.54 in the am

"And these here whale testicles are fine specimens. You see, boys, these are what REAL balls are."

Is it me, or is there lots of testicles in my day today?

I don't say that every day.

Lunch

12.05 in the pm

"I feel sick."

"Bryan, it's just a mock wedding."

"I think I'm going to throw up."

"Bryan, it's not the real thing! Stop panicking!"

"What if she says no?"

"Bryan, she loves you. I don't know why, but she does."

"Thanks, you dickhead. What if she runs off with the caretaker?"

"Bryan, we're not even sure if the caretaker exists. I mean, there is a cupboard for one, but Spencer has adopted it. And I'm pretty sure McFahrt is not going to run off with Spencer."

"What if she tells me she only wanted me for my body?"

"She won't, Bryan, because she clearly wanted you for your shining personality and great sense of humour, too…"

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"Not at all…"

Tala is failing at reassuring Bryan.

Funny to watch, though.

4.45 in the pm

We are in the assembly hall. Bryan has made me wear a vicar's outfit. Why he has one of these, I don't know. I don't think I want to know, either. If McFahrt comes in wearing a tart outfit, I am going to run away.

"Bryan, do you have a best man?" I asked.

"OH MY GOD, I KNEW I WAS FORGETTING SOMETHING!" Bryan answered, a look of devastation on his face.

"How the fuck can you forget to have a best man?" Tyson asked.

"Because shut up," Bryan replied, bitch-slapping Tyson.

Tyson bitch-slapped Bryan back.

"Oh no you di'in't!" Tyson said, snapping his fingers and wiggling his head from side to side.

"Tala, be my best man," Bryan said.

"What would you do if I said no?" Tala asked.

"Cry."

"No. I'm not being your best man."

"Wanker. Lee?"

"Happily," Lee said, a look of satisfaction on his face.

Lee is Bryan's best man?

Well… no one could've predicted this. I would've thought it'd either be Spencer or Tala. But then… Tala said no and Spencer is- wait. Where is Spencer?

5 minutes later

Ahh, the bride is here with her bridesmaids.

Her bridesmaids are the biology teacher, the art teacher, and… Spencer?

Weirdest. Mock. Wedding. Ever.

30 seconds later

"Here comes the bride, 40 metres wiiideeee~" Tyson sang.

Bryan bitch-slapped him again.

10 minutes later

McFahrt has finally reached the "altar" (a desk we stole from the nearest classroom with a vibrator stood on it acting as a candle. Don't question it. I didn't).

"You look like a rainbow's thrown up on you… but it looks good," Bryan said to her.

Charming.

He is not wrong, though.

Where the Hell do you find a dress that multicoloured?

A minute later

All eyes are on me.

"Before we begin, I'll have everyone here know that I have never been to vicar school, or generally acted as a vicar. So I'm going to improvise," I said.

Everyone nodded.

"McFahrt, do you take Bryan to be your husband-type thing? Yes? Good. Bryan, do you take McFahrt to be your wife-type thing? Yes? Even more good. You may snog, and do other sexual things, but not in front of me. Enjoy your life."

Everyone stared at me.

"That does me fine," Bryan said, and grabbed his beefy wife.

"Eww, get a room!" Kai said.

"Why would I do that when she has a dress to hide under?" Bryan replied, and he ducked under McFahrt's bright, multicoloured… thing, and disappeared from view.

"I think we should definitely give them some privacy now," Mariam said. "This is something I really do not need to witness."

"You're not the only one. Let us go back to our room and-" I began.

"Arse-rape Ian?" Tala butted in.

"Oh my God, we forgot about Ian!" Mariam exclaimed.

"That's okay, we used to do that all the time back in the day," Tala said.

And then Kai spoke.

"Which would you rather - poo out a melon or wee out a marble?"

30 seconds later

… why? Just… why?

"Ooh, that's a really difficult question," Tala said.

"It really is," Tyson agreed.

I really don't want to know why Kai thinks about these things.

"Kai would clearly rather poo out a melon. He's done so with a pineapple, so a melon will be no trouble at all," Tyson said.

"Bitch," Kai said.

"I'd rather do neither. Now, can we leave the lovebirds in peace?" I said.

The others agreed.

As we walked through the door, I heard Spencer speak.

"Don't worry, Bryan! I'll film your sex tape for you!"

6.34 in the pm

Lounging around… wishing I had my bed back. Ah, shitsticks. That's what I meant to do today… find my bed. Ah well, there's always tomorrow.

"Can we have romantic sex tonight?" Kai asked Tala.

"Yeah, babe. After you've measured my knob," Tala replied.

Oh. REALLY romantic, Tala.

A minute later

"OH GOD!" Tyson exclaimed.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked. I hate it when he does this. It gets me in a panic.

"Oh, it's okay. That was the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. I thought something was crawling up my crotch, but it was just my nuts."

…

I can't take this anymore.

I'm going out to find my bed.

* * *

+ A/N: I struggled for the ending. It's not even that good. I'm not going to ask for reviews. I don't deserve them. I've been a bad author.


	38. All Men Get Are Wrinkly Little Sausages

+ Warnings: Someone gets tangoed, someone vomits and there's probably more McFahrt than necessary.

+ A/N: When I read back through this fic… I realise… I have well and truly turned the Beyblade characters into monsters.

* * *

**Chronicles Of Max**

**Chapter 38: All Men Get Are Wrinkly Little Sausages**

Wednesday 14th May

7.03 in the am

I have just been woken by a very loud scream from next door. As in, Kai and Tala's room. I'm not sure which one of them it was, but now there is a lot of shouting and "OH MY GOD" coming from their room.

"Ian, have a kick around and see if you can feel anything," Tyson said to our midget in the wall.

"Yes, but if I accidentally kick one of them in the face, what is the probability that they'll anal probe me?" Ian asked.

"Very high. Do it, anyway," Tyson replied.

Ian wiggled in the hole (oo-er) a little bit, clearly flailing his legs around on the other side of the wall. We didn't hear any cries of pain or yells of anger, so we assumed he didn't kick either Tala or Kai.

"Nope. Didn't kick a thing," Ian confirmed.

"They must be in the bathroom, then," I said.

Tyson, Ian, Mariam, Lee's testicles and I all looked at each other, silently debating whether or not to go around to Tala and Kai's room to see what was going on.

Not that Ian could go anywhere.

And Lee's testicles could only go around if Lee went around.

And as he is still asleep, that is very unlikely.

Lee's testicles look sad.

Why am I even looking at them?

A minute later

"Max, you go," Tyson said.

"No chance. I'm not going in there alone," I replied.

"You won't be alone, you'll have Ian," Tyson reasoned.

"Well, Ian's legs, anyway," Mariam butted in.

Thanks, Mariam.

Tyson grinned at me, and shoved me out of our dormitory door with his bump.

Crap.

A minute later

Shuffling my way over to Tala and Kai's door. Maybe I can just wait out here in the hallway for a little while, and then go back to Room 101 and say all is well?

They wouldn't fall for it. They're not that dumb.

Well, actually…

A minute later

I've been spared the decision of knocking on Tala and Kai's door or not by their door opening, and Tala beckoning me into their room. Not a chance, Tala. I am not setting one foot inside that room.

"Something terrible has happened!" he squealed.

"Has Kai drawn pink pyramids on his cheeks instead of blue triangles?" I asked.

"No. WORSE!"

Oh God.

30 seconds later

Tala could've warned me that I might need sunglasses to look at Kai.

Another 30 seconds later

Also, that thing where I could've bullshitted and said everything was fine in here? Yeah, even the retards next door wouldn't have fallen for that. Especially not with what I'm looking at.

10 minutes later

I'm sorry. I just cannot get over this.

"Kai… do you have any sort of explanation as to why your skin tone is resembling that of an Oompa Loompa?" I asked.

Orange Kai looked at the floor sadly.

"I tried using fake tan, because one of my fans online said I looked like I was dead."

"Did you even pay attention to what tone of fake tan you were buying?" I asked, not really sure why I was asking, because quite honestly, I don't want to know.

"No. I thought all fake tans were the same…"

…

That just says it all. It really does.

8.00 in the am

Breakfast

Kai is now refusing to come out of his and Tala's room. He says he will be laughed at. He is not wrong. Tyson and Lee were very sympathetic towards Kai. They popped into his and Tala's room when I returned, and had a good laugh at Kai. They then took a picture of Kai, and showed it to Ian, who also had a good laugh. Until he got probed with something.

Breakfast this morning looks as though it belongs in a Bushtucker Trial on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

It probably is from a Bushtucker Trial.

"Hey Tala, remind me to get Kai a green wig sometime," Tyson said.

"Then he'll make a perfect Oompa Loompa!" Lee said.

"Stop making fun out of him when he's not here," Tala replied, pouting.

"But taking the piss out of him to his face is fine? Awesome. We're going straight back up to your room, then, to have some fun," Tyson said.

"Incorrect," another voice joined in.

It sounded like McFahrt.

It smells like McFahrt.

I turned around.

It was Bryan.

"Bryan, you have no idea how much you sounded like McFahrt just then," I said to him.

And then McFahrt popped up from behind him.

How she managed to hide behind him when she is quite literally huge is beyond me.

"You know what… I'm just going to stop questioning things," I said to no one in particular. "I am sure my life will be much more peaceful and relaxing with it."

"Fat chance. Not around here," Mariam said to me.

"Anyway, as I was saying. You're all going on a school trip today," McFahrt said.

"That's not what you were saying at all," Mariam pointed out. "In fact, you were not saying much."

"It is what I would have been saying if I had not been rudely interrupted by a blonde bimbo."

HEY!

"I'm not a blonde bimbo! I'll have to know that I am now possibly smarter than Kai!" I said.

It's true, actually.

"Moving swiftly on… where are we going?" Mariam asked.

"The local antenatal group so I can finally practice my breathing and how I'm supposed to behave when I finally go into labour?" Tyson asked.

"No," McFahrt replied.

"Surely all you have to do when you go into labour is push. Surely there is no other behaviour?" Tala asked.

"I'm not pushing. This baby is not coming out of my arse."

"Imagine if it came out of your cock…"

"I'd rather not, Tala."

"Talking of cocks, why do girls get all the good stuff, like boobs and nice bums? All men get are wrinkly little sausages," Lee piped up.

We all looked at him.

"Well, it's true!"

"Anyway…" McFahrt said, choosing to ignore Lee's comment. "I hope you're all thirsty, because the school trip involves a bit of drinking."

And with that, she walked off. Probably to tell everyone else about this school trip. Actually, no. Bryan is following her. They're probably going up to her office for a quickie. Excuse me as I vomit in my mouth.

Better than vomiting in someone else's mouth, I guess.

30 minutes later

We have quite literally had to prise Kai out of his room. He's put a paper bag over his head so no one knows it's him. This would work… if he hadn't cut a hole at the other end of the bag so his hair could stick out. So now everyone knows it's him, and are now questioning why he is wearing clothing on every part of his body (even though it is practically summer and BOILING) and a bag to hide his face.

We've left Ian where he is. At some point during the night, Tala and Kai have taken superglue to him. Enough said.

5 minutes later

Outside the front of the "school"

Everyone is trying to crowd onto three buses. And I mean everyone. When McFahrt says "school trip", she means the whole school. I am not entirely sure we are all going to fit onto three buses. Tyson's going to need at least five seats to himself.

"Hey! Hey! Hey, you! Gary! Hey! Heeeyyy!" Lee called, waving his arms in the air.

Gary turned around. He had a black eye. Please, Lee. Do not ask. Please. Don't. Ask.

"Whoaaa… mate, how did you get that black eye?"

Dammit, Lee!

"Well…" Gary began, very slowly. "You see that tree over there?"

He pointed behind us. We all turned to look at the tree he was pointing at. Yup. It was a tree, complete with roots, bark, branches and even _leaves_.

"Yeah," Lee replied.

"I didn't."

Ouch. Maybe if he didn't walk around with his eyes closed all the time, he would actually see where he's going.

A few minutes later

Crammed onto one of the buses

I have found myself sat next to Mariam. This is good. It means I might be able to hold a normal conversation on the way to wherever we're going.

"Your breath smells like chicken and blackcurrant. Kind of like a sweet KFC," she said to me.

… maybe I won't be having a normal conversation, then.

Also, does my breath really smell like that?

A minute later

Tala and Kai are sat in the seats in front of us. It doesn't matter how many clothes Kai is wearing, I am sure I can still see orange radiating through his seat.

Tyson and Lee are sat behind us. Doing what, I don't know or _want_ to know. They're a bit quiet. It's somewhat worrying. But I am not turning around. At all. None.

30 seconds later

Turned around so I can see what Lee and Tyson are doing

Lee is prodding Tyson's baby bump. And then the baby inside (well, obviously it's inside… it's not just going to have popped out now, is it?) is quite clearly kicking back at him.

If we could hear that baby, it's probably saying, "STOP POKING ME, BITCH."

"Stop poking me, bitch."

WHOA.

Wait, no. It was Tyson who said that. Not the baby. Crikey, I honestly thought the baby said that for a second.

A second later

"I feel sick."

"Mariam, we're not even moving yet. And I didn't know you got travel sickness," I said.

"I don't."

"Upset tummy?" I asked.

"I tell you what, my tummy is really upset. It's kicking like a trooper right now," Tyson butted in.

"Tyson, you're pregnant. There is a baby in your tummy. Somewhere. That is a bit different from Mariam's upset tummy," I replied.

Mariam just looked at me in a really angry way. What have I done now?

5 minutes later

Driving along to wherever we're going

We have had to borrow Kai's paper bag so Mariam can chuck up in it. I do wonder what she's eaten to get this ill. Then again, I'm pretty sure anything from our canteen could cause this.

Of course, Kai had cut a hole at the bottom of the bag, which meant Mariam had to scrunch the bottom of the bag and grip it really tight, otherwise she'd just be vomiting into her lap. She'd be giving her sick a sort of tunnel to travel through. I'll stop going on about this, now.

Any normal bus driver would stop the bus to let the ill off for a few minutes. But not this one. In fact, as soon as he heard the sound of retching, he sped up. We must be doing about 95 miles an hour.

Then again, the brightness of Kai's skin might've blinded the driver, and he meant to hit the brakes, but couldn't see and hit the accelerator. Because Kai is literally glowing. I wish I'd brought sunglasses with me. I'm not even sure how Mariam can see to vomit into the bag.

A minute later

"WOE BE ME. LOOK AT MY SKIN!" Kai yelled, clearly in distress, and clearly noticing that everyone was ignoring him. It's not out fault. It just hurts to look at him. Otherwise, I'm sure everyone _would_ be looking at him.

"Kai, we can't look at your skin. It burns our eyes," I said.

"Tala, how can you stand to sit next to him?" Tyson asked from behind me.

Tala's face popped over the top of his seat. He was wearing sunglasses.

"Oh. That's how," Tyson said.

At the place that we were going to

Half an hour later

We're standing around outside a building. A building that says "Wine Tasting Sessions". I am not sure what to make of this. We're going to be drinking wine all afternoon?

"You don't actually drink the wine," Mariam said, as if she had read my mind.

"How did you know I was thinking that?" I asked.

"Because I know you."

Kai and Tala sidled up to us. Tyson was still stuck on the bus.

"Kai… I don't want to be mean, but… can you go stand in the shade. It's even worse when you're stood in sunlight," I said to Tala. I cannot look at Kai.

Kai sloped off, all sad and lonely. Aww.

It's his own fault.

5 minutes later

We're still waiting for Tyson to get off the bloody bus. Most of the other, ahem, "students" are filtering into the wine tasting building. Lee got off of the bus, and ran over to us, waving his arms.

"Yes, Lee, we can see you," I said once he reached us.

"No, no! Tyson thinks he's going into labour!" Lee said, looking all panicked and stressed. I haven't seen him look like that since he last Beyblade about twenty years ago.

That was an exaggeration, by the way.

Back on the bus

A few seconds later

Tyson was huffing and puffing in his seat. We all crammed around him (except Kai, who we told to wait outside. In the shade).

"Push, Tyson! Push!" Lee shouted.

"It's not coming out my arse!" Tyson yelled back.

"It's not coming out at all," said the doctor.

The doctor? What? When did one of them get here?

"There's a hospital right over the road," Mariam said, reading my mind again.

"Will you stop that?" I asked, pouting.

Also… that's funny. A hospital. Opposite a wine tasting club.

"What do you mean the baby isn't coming?" Tyson shouted, clearly annoyed.

"You have heartburn. It's very different. Here, have a Rennie," said the doctor, handing Tyson a red packet of chalky tablets, and walking off of the bus.

We looked at Tyson.

He looked at the box of Rennies.

We looked at each other.

He looked at us.

We looked back him.

"God, Tyson. You're such a drama queen," I said.

Wine Tasting

1.06 in the pm

We haven't even eaten lunch yet. I know for a fact we're going to be completely slizzard by the time we get back to the school. Lee's already half-cut. Mariam and Tyson seem to be the only ones doing this wine tasting properly. Actually, Mariam's even kind of reluctant to put the wine anywhere near her mouth. Weird, that.

Maybe she doesn't like wine.

I wouldn't know. I've never thought to ask her.

Does that make me a bad boyfriend?

A minute later

"Mariam, does it make me a bad boyfriend if I don't know if you like wine or not?" I asked her. I couldn't contain it any longer.

"No, it just means that you do not care for my alcohol preferences," she replied, sniffing at a glass of wine that I'm pretty sure Lee's already drank. And spat back out.

"Is that bad, though? I wouldn't taste that, by the way. I think it's come from Lee."

She put the glass down.

"No, Max. It is not bad. And for your information, I only like rosé wine."

Oh, phew. I am out of the doghouse. Not that I was ever in any doghouse. Because, you know… I'm not a dog. Woof.

1.30 in the pm

We have stopped to have lunch. Sadly, this wine tasting place does not provide food (so they're quite happy to get everyone bladdered, but they do not have food to sober everyone up), but there is a KFC across the road. Next to the hospital. I could make this up. Get heart or liver failure, and just pop next door to the hospital!

1.56 in the pm

We have successfully managed to get our food and sit down. Lee needed a bit of help getting to the table, but he is now also sat down, very quietly sucking on some chicken wings.

Looking around me, most of our fellow people are stumbling all over the place. Brilliant. I have no idea what made McFahrt think this was a great idea. Maybe she needs our advice on wines for hers and Bryan's wedding?

Ergh.

A minute later

We have had to make Kai sit under the table, though. He is still rather bright. Maybe we could take him to the hospital and say he had an allergic reaction to… err… wine. Because that would be believable.

More believable than saying we were all on a school trip. Wine tasting.

A minute later

It's all very quiet between us. It's not normally quiet. Well, quiet except for the sounds of Lee's slurping, and Kai's sobbing. Poor guy.

"So, folks. How do you like the wine tasting?"

Oh God. McFahrt's arrived at our table. With Bryan. Obviously. He looks smug. Why does he look smug? What has he done?

"It's very… winey," I said.

"I musht shay, I'm enjoying it immenshley," Lee slurred, before his face fell into his chicken wings. He lifted his face back up, and two of the wings were stuck to his eyebrows. Must. Not. Laugh.

"Well, I personally don't think it's a very good idea for a _school_ trip. I emphasise school, because that's not what you're running. It's pretty much a home for freaks, and now you're just giving them a day out to get drunk," Mariam said.

We looked at her.

What's got her goat?

That's funny, because before she met me, she used to herd goats.

The above statement may be a lie.

But I'm pretty sure her fellow villagers used to have goats.

"Are you calling us all freaks?" Tala asked Mariam, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

She pointed at Tyson, and then under the table where Kai is.

"Good point, well made," Tala said, slurping on his Pepsi.

"It's just a bit of fun, girl!" Mcfahrt said. "Max, when we get back, make sure you untwist her knickers."

That is an order I've never had before.

A few minutes later

When McFahrt eats, all of her chins wobble, and Bryan strokes them as they're jiggling.

Suddenly, I don't feel very hungry.

Back at the wine tasting place

2.31 in the pm

I have given up trying to sniff, swill and taste this wine. I have just given up. I'm doing what the vast majority of everyone else is doing… and I'm just drinking it. Mariam has given up joining in altogether. She's just sat next to me with her arms crossed, watching as Lee and I take it in turns to drink her glasses of wine.

"You know, I've never really liked wine," I said.

"I'll drink anything if it's alcoholic," Lee replied.

"I'm more of a vodka man, myself," Tala said. "But this is good stuff."

"Hrmm," said Kai, from under the table. He is still too bright for our eyes. We can't even get used to him.

A couple of hours later

McFahrt has decided to call it a day. Which is a relief. We have just been drinking win for the past two hours. I can feel my eyes rolling in their sockets.

Heh… sockets.

On the bus

A few minutes later

It is taking everyone a while to get back onto the buses. Mainly because people are wandering in the wrong direction, trying to get into random cars, and missing the seats on the buses entirely.

The bus drivers have said that once we're all rounded up (like goats… heh), and put onto the buses, they are just going to drive like the wind. They do not care if we're sat in the seats or not.

5.06 in the pm

They really don't care if we're sat in the seats or not.

Salima is sat on our bus driver's lap.

Back at "school"

5.49 in the pm

Stumbling up the corridor towards our dormitories. I am doing particularly well. I'm not holding onto anyone. Unlike Lee, who is practically being carried by Tyson. Tala and Kai are crawling along behind us. Which is good, because if Kai was in front of us, we'd never be able to see where we're going.

A few seconds later

Also, considering I'm a bit tiddled, my speeling is excellent.

At the door of Room 101

A few minutes later

Mariam is looking for the key. We gave it to her, because it'd be safe with her.

She can't seem to find it.

Tala and Kai have slimed their way past us (I closed my eyes so I wasn't blinded) and have gone into their room. They don't even bother locking their door. Though, to be fair, no one is going to go in there. Everyone knows what they have in there.

Ian's backside, for one thing.

A few seconds later

I have just heard slurping. Not the type of slurping you make when you're drinking, but the type of slurping that comes from a couple snogging. Surely Tala and Kai can't be at it already?

A few seconds later

No. It is Spencer and Emily. Up the end of the corridor. Snogging. Against a wall. Spencer is quite literally pinning her up against the wall, as she is half his size.

I need some eye bleach.

A few minutes later

"For God's sake, Mariam! What the Hell have you done with our key?" Tyson asked, as Mariam rummaged around in her bra.

"I thought I put it in here for safekeeping," Mariam replied. "But it seems to have fallen out."

Great. So we're stuck out here.

Knocking on Tala and Kai's door

A minute later

"Hello?" Tala said, opening his door.

"It's me," I said.

"Who?" Tala asked.

"Why are you asking who? You're staring right at me!"

"Oh. Hi, Max. To what do we owe this pleasant visit from you?"

I scowled.

"Do you still have that key to our door?"

"No."

"FRIG THE FRIG OUT OF FRIGGING HELL!" Tyson yelled from behind me.

"Careful, Tyson. You don't want to go into labour. Again," Mariam told him.

"There is a way to get in there without breaking down your door, though, before you even think of that," Tala told us.

"How?" I asked.

Tala beckoned us into his and Kai's room. I am touching nothing. Everything has probably been up someone's bum at some point.

Tala pointed to Ian's backside.

"He's stuck, though," Tyson said.

"WHO'S STUCK? WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING? OH NOOOO!" we heard Ian yell from the other side of the wall, and his little legs began kicking.

A few minutes later

We have all grabbed Ian's legs. Except Kai, who has locked himself in the bathroom, probably attempting to get the fake tan off. And Lee, who has passed out in the corridor.

"Ready?" Tala said. "PUSH."

"GET OFF OF ME!" Ian shouted.

We all pushed his legs as hard as we could in our drunken states. We could hear him screaming like a baby, but we kept pushing. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

A few minutes later

Still pushing.

A few minutes later

SUCCESS. Ian has been pushed through the wall into Room 101 (taking a bit more of the wall with him). Mariam has climbed through the extremely large hole in the wall, and found one of the many spare keys we have, and unlocked the door.

A few minutes later

Tyson and I have had to drag Lee's body into the room. As we were doing do, Ian made a break for it, and has sprinted down the corridor to somewhere. We might not see him for a while. He may be scarred for life.

… shame.

8.31 in the pm

We are quite literally pooped. We have all gone to bed. Even Tala and Kai. I know this because their snoring is seriously loud now.

"You know…" I drunkenly mumbled to Mariam. "If I had a boat… I'd love you more than the boat."

Silence.

"Do you want a boat?" she asked.

"Yeah, who doesn't?" I replied.

"Me," came Tyson's voice from the darkness.

"No one was asking you," I said.

"Well, I replied anyway," he said.

A few minutes later

"OH GOD."

"What is it now, Tyson?" Mariam asked.

"THERE'S SOMETHING AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BED."

"Yeah, your feet," I said.

"NO. SOMETHING FURRY."

"Is it Kai's cat who we haven't seen in forever?" I asked.

"NO. BUT IT IS PURRING."

Mariam got out of my bed and put the light on. Tyson quite literally looked terrified, but hadn't moved.

"Why don't you get out of the bed if it's scaring you that much?" I asked.

"BUT IF I MOVE, IT MIGHT ATTACK ME."

Mariam pulled back the duvet from the end of Tyson's bed.

A few silent seconds later

It was Lee.

* * *

+ A/N: I might be back. Maybe. Sort of. Okay. Yeah. As I have nothing else to do these days. Harrr.

(Sorry it's not as broken up as much as it was before - FF has decided it no longer wants to do that.)


	39. Lesbian Camouflage

+ WARNINGS: Lesbians and afro-porn.

+A/N: THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT. But all will be well. :D Welcome back to the reboot. Let's call it Chronicles 2.0

* * *

**Chronicles of Max**

**Chapter 39: Lesbian Camouflage **

Thursday 15th May.

9.02 in the am

I AM EXTREMELY FUCKING LATE. WHY DID NO ONE WAKE ME? I DEMAND AN ANSWER, IN WRITING!

Which is why I pose the question in writing.

9.04

Why am I naked?

A few seconds later

Like, I am completely naked. I am not wearing any clothes except this watch which is not my watch...and I am almost certain I did not pull up the carpet before I went to sleep last night or draw blueprints on my stomach in black pen. If I remember correctly, I was in my bartered back bed, with my girlfriend, snuggled up to the sound of Lee purring like a tractor. This morning, I am nude, with no girlfriend, no tractor and my bum touches concrete where I sit...

A minute later

Oh god.

Two point two two five seconds after that

WE'VE BEEN ROBBED. EVERYTHING IS GONE. THE FURNITURE IS GONE. THE CURTAINS ARE GONE. JEFFERS IS GONE. MARIAM IS GONE. They took Tyson? Surely he is too heavy to steal. LEE IS GONE. MY CLOTHES ARE GONE. THE WINDOW IS GONE. THE HOLE IN THE WALL, GONE- waaaaaait...

I am not in room 101. This is a fact. I should have known by the presence of-

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

A minute later

9.26

-!

1.00 in the pm

I hate all my friends.

A minute later.

Turns out Mariam, Tala and Tyson thought it would be _HI_-larious to drug me, strip me naked, drag me out of the comfort of my bed (I have horrific carpet burns on my arse), and lock me in Spencer's cupboard, after constructing a _Saw_-like "game" for me to figure out by playing me a tape filled with instructions from inside the reanimated Henry Hoover (he now has a Dyson heart, apparently) and underlining single letters in red biro throughout my entire journal that I had to follow in order to "save" all their lives from the wrath of a returned super-villain.

I have been running around the fucking school all day doing dark _dark _things, one of which involved a fish slice and a tampon, all to save their motherfucking asses. I ACTUALLY FUCKING THOUGHT THEY WERE ALL GOING TO DIE. I PRACTICALLY PEED MYSELF WITH WORRY AND EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING SCHOOL THINKS I'M AN EVEN BIGGER NUTCASE. _AND_ THEY READ MY FUCKING JOURNAL!

I probably should have known it was a set up when I had to make a thong out of bacon and daisies*.

"Oh, come on Max, you have to admit it was pretty cool".

Maybe, but they will never know that is what I think. I am giving them the silent treatment. FOREVER.

1.22 in the pm

Also, it's bratwurst and peanut shells for lunch.

Kai is missing, probably still orange.

1.30

Life alone is lonely. My friends look so far across the table when I am not talking to them. I feel my determination to be mad at them waning when they are all looking at me sucking suggestively on their bratwurst.

"Max, we knoooow you miss us".

I did not reply to Tala, in spite of the fact that he was rubbing his nipples in contingency with giving fiercely skilled oral to that German sausage. I bet he can hold full-scale conversations with his mouth full of- _STOP IT, MAX. _

You are still angry.

2.02

The others have decided not to be bothered with class today and have skived off to go in search of "sexual activity" in some unused classrooms, Mariam suggested it and gave me a really angry look when I wouldn't go with her. Serves her right. I think it will be easier to be mad at them if I am not around them, so I have opted to go back to class...or rather, go to my first class of the day, as I spent hours this morning gallivanting around the place hunting down the villainous villain who so-called "kidnapped" my LYING CONNIVING ASS-FACE FRIENDS.

Heh heh...ass-face...I like it.

Anyway, I showed up in some random History class (I honestly have no idea what subjects I take anymore) ALONE to the _gasps_ of many present (Not really, but let's pretend they care). I sat beside Julia, and have just remembered that she is a lesbian.

2.05 in the pm

I mean, I don't _mind,_ that she is a fanny-basher...I just forgot. I am sure lesbians are no different to the rest of humanity. I mean, if I were a lady I would definitely be a lesbian. All that lesbian activity...I bet it's way easier for lesbians to get lesbian-laid than it is for normal-people to get normal-people laid, or even gays to get gay-laid.

Unless you're Kai and Tala.

...I can't imagine having a vagina. I am trying but it is extremely difficult to visualise when you have a lesbian-induced erection. _Ohmygod_, THE LESBIAN IS STARING. STARING AND SMIRKING. AVERT THINE EYES, MUFF-DIVER, YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE PENISESES.

"Hey Max, what's your deal?" she whispered in mockery of my manly plight, as is her lesbian wont.

"I have a boner, what does it look like?" Oh yeah, cool as a cucumber.

"You want to skip this class, pick up and watch some porn in the old cinema?"

Wait. What?

2.22

Julia and I ditched out to the toilets. I do not know why I have agreed to this.

"Where is this mystical porn of which you speak?" I questioned, suspicious of the lesbian's motives. And just what the hell does she mean by "pick up"?

She laughed and tossed her big ginger hair everywhere. You know who else is ginger? Emily. And Emily is disgusting.

"There's this movie theatre up town that was closed, like, years ago because of all the asbestos in the roof. The old guy that owns it runs porn from the seventies in the basement during the day...admittance is practically free".

I don't know if this sounds like a healthy activity, actually it kind of sounds amazing, but it doesn't. How did she find out about it? How does anyone find out about that kind of thing?

Does watching porn with another girl qualify as cheating? I would ask Mariam but she is not here to guide me. And I am mad at her. Because it was her who supplied the tampons that I had to put in my-

Nevermind.

I am going to the movies. Julia is a lesbian anyway. And seventies porn is more funny than sexy.

3.42 in the pm

BEST. IDEA. EBVAAARRAR.

Julia is officially my new best lesbian friend. She traded us hours of pornorific magic in exchange for a massive bag of weed we bought off another old guy with an eyepatch and a wife called Majella. I swear to God everyone in this town is either a pensioner or a chav or one of us.

Everyone is up to the same thing though, crazy sex-related shenanigans of some sort.

Anyway, so me and my BLF, and Rick, who was oddly camped out in the theatre in a sleeping bag accompanied by Mathilda and a crate of beer and a lot of the members of Tala's old S&M club GAY BONDAGE GALORE (Except Tala, obviously, because if he had been there I would have walked out and not talked to him) are sat watching hairy seventies sex. I must tell my fr-

NO MAX, THIS IS YOUR SECRET, YOUR POOP-SNIFFING FRIENDS DO NOT DESERVE TO KNOW. THIS IS YOUR BENDER AND YOUR BENDER ALONE.

A minute later

Not the gay kind of bender.

A few seconds after that

The kind of bender where you get off your tits and have an AMAZING time with people you barely know.

Five minutes later

Heh, poop-sniffers.

5.50 in the pm

An old man two rows behind us keeps groaning about "Blondie". I hope he means the singer because there are no blondes in this movie...

7.52 in the pm

Weeeeird things happened in the seventies. Some women even had talking vaginas. I have learned so much. I will do all of it to Mariam when I am done being mad at her.

WHICH WILL BE NEVER...or whenever my horny reaches an unbearable build-up.

8.00 in the pm

Julesbia and I have left the porn-addicts to their porn addiction. Rick genuinely lives there, he is too big for the old owner to shift and the place is too illegal to have him arrested. Apparently, Mathilda and Robert have a casual thing...I believe it is due to their Germanity. They disappeared down the back of the basement and started playing slaps, or whipping each other, or having sex...Their accents make things confusing when they scream in German. Johnny was getting off to the sound of them. I could tell. He kept kicking the back of my seat. Johnny is kind of a dick. Miguel was there too...he picks his nose and eats it. Also his wang is huge...unless he stuffs his jocks with socks.

HAHAHAHA...rhymes.

Enrique kept stroking my leg and then apologising and saying it was because I remind him of his Italian bitches...then he would stroke my leg again and adjust his crotch...then he got drunk and told me Tala was the love of his life. I told him Tala was a bad choice. He said I was wrong, and that he wants me to tell Tala that he will be actively pursuing him on a sexual level. I told him I wasn't talking to Tala so that would be impossible. He said he'd tell him himself and then assert his dominance sexually.

I should tell Kai to watch out...I am not not talking to him so I can.

Also, Enrique is apparently a bisexual deity from the planet Sexpot. His words.

All in all, it has been an experience on the safe side of crazy. I like it.

One minute later.

...or I did before I realised that this is not the way home.

"Julia...where are we?"

It is very dark down this road.

"Why aren't you talking to your friends, again?" That is not an answer.

"Because they are McFarht-licking dick-jockeys".

"...Huh?"

"Because they pulled a prank on me and it wasn't funny".

"Oh".

30 seconds later

Should I ask her again where the hell we are? It's so dark here I can't see my hand in front of my face, it is a good thing I know this journal as well as I do. Otherwise my writing would be all over the shop.

One minute later

I can hear running water.

"Julia?" I called out to her, but she has used some kind of lesbian camouflage.

"I'm sitting over here! Come on, Max, I wanna show you something".

Two seconds later

Is it...MORE LESBIANS?

Ten seconds later

I think I stepped in dog poop.

Three and a half minutes later

It was not more lesbians that Julia wanted me to see, it was a spectacular view of the school at sunset. Who knew there was a waterfall and an amazing panorama surrounding the shithole? It actually looks good.

"HAHAHA, look at Michael!" Julia pointed towards a window down in the valley with a light on. I didn't get it at first, but she handed me her binoculars which she has produced from her handbag.

Half a second later

Oh my God. When it gets dark you can literally see in EVERYONE'S WINDOWS.

A second later.

So _this_ is what she wanted to show me.

8.16 in the pm

This is incredible. HAHAHAAAA. Michael apparently likes to stroke his nipples and shake his ass at his mirror when alone. We have watched incredible drama unfold as he is prancing around in his pants only to be intruded upon by Football Steve, who is now sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands as Michael scrambles into his jammies. Meanwhile, I can see Fat Gary trying to lick his own armpit. Spencer is scurrying along the hallway still dressed as Britney, although he has now swapped his kneesocks for lacy suspenders. He has a book clutched all tight to his chest and is dashing towards an empty classroom at the end of the hall in which McFahrt is hopping up and down trying to get into a sparkly wedding dress that balloons around most of the room like a distressed marshmallow. The dress looks afraid...Does this mean Spencer has taken over the wedding planning? It looks like it. He is waving the book in her face and it's full of flower arrangements.

I can see Bryan lying on McFahrt's MASSIVE FOUR POSTER BED IN HER VERY LUXURIOUS SCHOOL-FUNDED BEDROOM (UNFAIR MUCH?) bouncing a tennis ball against the ceiling...with his penis.

Kenny...holy shit, I forgot Kenny even existed. He is randomly tied to a chair in his boxers and socks...weird. He deserves it for ditching us. Claude from Barthez Battalion, or, the Super-Sexy-Candyfloss-xBox-Eagle-Moon-Elephant-ROFL-Français! Team, as they have started to call themselves, was up making Aaron do jumping jacks and kept grabbing bits of his flab and screaming angrily at it and then showed it a picture of Tala posed in his supremely provocative launching stance...from the back. I guess I'm not the only one jealous of Tala's buns in his snow-suit pants.

I wonder if you can see into Room 101...

8.30 in the pm

Huh, they've got the lights off...there is a sign up on Kai and Tala's room window that reads "PLAGUE, DO NOT ENTER" and there is a very bad drawing of a stick figure with orange skin, red spots and Kai's hair. The fuck? Whatever.

I scan the windows for any sign of my crap-shoot friends but don't see anything. Put out, I hand Julia back her lesbian binoculars.

"Cool, ain't it?" she says, putting them in her bag and standing up. She is very tall and does not wear knickers.

10.06 in the pm

I walked very slowly back to room 101. When I knocked, no one answered. I couldn't get in, because Mariam has my key in her bra. There were no noises inside. So now I am sat in the hall looking at Kai and Tala's door. There is no noise coming from there either...except what sounds like little sniffles.

A few seconds later

I am going to knock. If I can catch Tala in a sober-moment he might be able to help me. Yes, my anger has abated. Something worse has happened.

Two seconds later

Let it be said, I am a shithead.

10.18

I knocked on the door to room 102, and something HORRIBLE greeted me. I knew it was Kai, because it was naked and still a faded shade of tangerine, but he is covered in hundreds of little red marks, which he apparently cannot stop scratching. He was very distressed when I talked to him, I almost feel bad for him. He is in pieces.

"Tala won't come near me!" was the first thing he said, "He says I look like puke". Then he burst out crying and scratching all over himself. I had to pin him to his bed to make him stop, then he looked up at me with a curious glint in his eye and said I smelled like vagina.

"Shut up, Kai, I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with you".

"IT IS THE PLAAAAAAGUE", he screamed in my face, "TALA SAID IF ANYONE COMES NEAR ME THEY'LL DIIIE! DON'T DIE MAX! FLEEE!"

I did not flee. I asked a question.

"Kai, have you ever had chicken pox?" He shook his head.

"Kai, I think you have chicken pox". He made a noise like a chicken.

10.45 in the pm

I climbed through the wall hole to room 101, in which there was no one to be found, and made Kai a Cuppa Soup. He had eaten nothing and spoken to no one all day. He didn't even paint on his triangles. I will definitely be having a stern word with Tala whenever I see him. I tucked Kai up in bed and grudgingly spoon fed him his watery gloop. Now he is demanding I bring him a bedpan because he is "too sick" to use the toilet. I told him to get stuffed.

He said he couldn't because Tala won't see him, and that because he is sick he should be allowed to poop in the _non-stick_ saucepan.

SIGH.

Also I don't know how the hell I'm going to get him to stop scratching. I had chicken pox when I was seven and it was hell. It gets worse the older you are, and Kai does not really have much of a brain anymore. If I could get him to sleep then I could go off and get Tala to deal with him. I'll leave it until tomorrow to warn him about Enrique...although to be honest I think Kai would be better off without Tala if this is how he is treated.

11.00 in the pm

Kai is dozing like a spotty orange baby. He made me sing him "Like A Prayer" and kept pointing out all the lyrics that are about head. Then I had to tell him a story about two seahorses called Kai and Tala and their sex-slave Max (their sex-slave went on holiday at the start of the story). Then he asked me to perform him the entire third act of Les Miserables, to which I sang four ABBA songs and recited the poem Goodnight Moon, (he didn't know the difference). I drew the line when he asked me to put my fingers in his bum to check for monsters. There are still no murmurings from next door, and there isn't much point in me going to look for them in this labyrinth of a school. I guess I better write about what I did.

**EARLIER IN THE EVENING**

So, er, Julia stood up and flashed her gash at me, and I was all "WHOA LADY WHAT THE HELL?" and was about to get up and run miles and miles away from her and her lesbian va-jay-jay which I saw (she waxes) but she just straightened her top and pulled her skirt down over her arse and sat down again with her legs under her bum. I thought then that maybe she didn't mean to show me her vagina, but I was still uncomfortable with the idea of it and suddenly my head was filled with all the vaginas I had ever seen, including all the seventies afro-sporting ham-wallets from the movie theatre. Vaginas of all shapes and sizes and smells skipping past in my brain. Julesbia sighed a big sigh and tied up her hair and then made her face all soft and sad and womanly like a woman and not a lesbian and I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

I said to her "Uh, Julia?" and she replied "Please don't think I'm pathetic, Max".

I said "I don't think you're pathetic" and she replied "But you will...I have to ask you something".

She just looked all lonely and pathetic and desperate to get laid and I couldn't say no...really I couldn't. And I felt really bad then when I enjoyed it and she didn't (Does this mean I am bad at sexing? NO ONE TOLD ME...wait, no...it was her fault, she knows she's gay). It was like I had completely bollocksed up my whole relationship for nothing. But man is she _skilled. _Seriously. I totally forgot she was a lesbian.

Back in the room, 11.11 pm

UGH, NO. I AM A CHEATER. I didn't even use the whole "I have a girlfriend" line, I just said "I don't know if that's a good idea" and she just said "Please?" and I love Mariam but I was mad at her for the morning and I was still a bit woozy from weed smoke and Rick's beer and none of this is really a good excuse. Julia told me not to tell anyone and that it didn't count.

She said thanks though...what the hell was I? A gay test? When she left she still looked miserable.

I figured it probably isn't easy for her being the only lesbian though. BUT SHE HAS RUINED MY LIFE AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.

Julia won't tell...Mariam wouldn't ever have to know...

11.23 in the pm

"Hey, Max...you should be honest and tell her...and you should probably shut up when you're writing in your journal and a sick person is _trying_ to poop in their _saucepan_".

Fuck my life, now I have no choice but to come clean.

Nine seconds later

Unless Kai dies of his "illness".

A moment much too long later

"I know what you are thinking Max, and Mr. Twinkle Toes will not stand for it".

"What about Tala?"

"I don't know about Tala much these days..."

Poor Kai. I ruffled his hair like he was a little kid and he continued to look sad. Then we heard a bang from next door.

"AAAAAAAAAGH I AM HORNIER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE AND MY BOYFRIEND HATES ME." Oh god, it's Mariam.

"I don't hate you, I'm in here. Kai has chicken pox, don't come over".

"_Thanks for not telling her about my poop", _Kai whispered as I climbed through the gaping hole in the wall.

"OH MAX!" she flung all her limbs around me.

"Mariam I need to tell-"

"WE FUCK NOW!" she screamed over me, and dragged me out of room 101 past the frazzled looking bodies of Tala, Tyson, and Lee, whom they had apparently picked up since I last saw them.

Friday 16th May

1.04 in the am.

We are lying under our clothes in an empty classroom. Mariam is totally conked and no, before you ask, she does not know I am a dirty cheating rat and was thinking about Julia the whole time. Seriously. The girl has totally messed me up. I wanna convince myself that it's just because Julia was _different_ that I seem to be so friggin' obsessed with her, but more and more I'm noticing certain..._things_ about Mariam that are a little...er..._fat_.

A few seconds later

I don't want to sound like a shallow asshole (and I know I already do) but she has packed on the pudge in the last while...especially around the tum'. Er...not that that makes her unattractive, she is still fucking stunning, with her big green eyes and silky hair and amazing boobs...but I did shag an undeniably springy lesbian on a cliff today. Oh fuck me...all I could think about was her tramp stamp and her sweaty bumcrack...the whole time! Seriously, I didn't think I was this much of a slut.

Go away erection.

I am going to have to DESTROY this journal. Kai will forget what he heard. He is an idiot. Right?

One minute later

Someone is rapping at the door.

1.10

It is Tala. He looks troubled.

"Hi", he said, "...have you forgiven us, then?" He is talking to my penis.

"Yes, I have forgiven you. It wasn't funny though, I seriously thought you guys were in trouble".

Tala smirked hollowly.

"Yeah, well, it was really meant more for _our_ amusement". He leaned back on the floor next to me.

Oh my god...he's not going to trying and wank me off again, is he? I have been bad enough already.

One second later.

No, Tala, I do not want help with my erection.

"_Fine_, I was just asking".

"What do you want anyway?"

Tala sighed and rubbed his hands over his face like someone who is rather bummed-out about life and it's bullpoop.

"I dunno. I came to seek sane solace from perhaps the one person in our group who might not be totally retarded".

That's me? Score!

"Mariam is not retarded", I said it for good measure. I do not trust that she cannot hear in her sleep.

"I know, that's why I came looking for her".

Oh, fuck you Tala.

"Well, she's asleep", I said grumpily. Tala stared at me suspiciously for a long time, then he looked at Mariam snoring like a lawnmower.

"Let's go outside, I need a cigarette".

I did not know he smoked.

"We can stay in here, it's freezing outside. I'll crack a window".

He stayed staring at Mariam and said.

"Nah, let's go out".

Five minutes later

"I am thinking I am not able to take care of Kai anymore...again".

I AM SHOCKED. Except I'm not really.

"Yeah, I meant to have a word with you about that. Leaving him alone in his room while he is sick was not very nice of you". I put on my sternest stern voice and draw myself up to look assertive. He is very tall though so I don't know what the effect is.

"I know", he looks upset with himself, "I love him lots but he's a lot to handle...I'm starting to think it's time to draw the line. We are not ourselves anymore".

Oh god, this has got extremely serious. MAX, DO NOT MENTION-

"Enrique fancies you".

For fuck's sake, Max. Just go and sabotage your life even more. WHY, BRAIN? WHY ARE YOU SUCH A CUNTFUCK TODAY?

"Hmm?" Oh thank God.

"Nothing". Tala stomped on his fag-bum and rubbed his eyes and runny nose on the back of his hand. I am going to hug him.

Four minutes later.

We hugged for a long time. I believe he appreciated it because he picked me up off the ground and squeezed me like a motherfucker. I thought I was about to snap in half.

"Thanks Max".

"You should try and keep up with Kai". It sounded like the most sensible advice in the world, even though it's my opinion that they're about the world's most toxic couple. "He would probably die if you left him..."

"Yeah..." Tala nodded, "I know..."

"You would probably end up back together anyway..." I said, "There's no point in breaking up".

Tala looked more serious than I have seen him look in a long long long long time. Really. Because he has spent most of that time acting like a lunatic on speed.

Probably because he is on speed.

"Yeah...I just wonder if it wouldn't do him some good. He's become a total dependant. I still think he's smexy. The sex is _amazing. _But he's a totally different person..."

So are you, you junkie fucknut. Tala cannot read my mind like Mariam, though , so he stared up at the stars and kept monologuing.

"...If I wasn't around for awhile he could-...I mean it's not like last time. I'm not going to be a dick to him...we're not in a fight...I just think I'm bad for him..."

Agreed.

"No, Tala, come on...I mean, it's not like you cheated on him with a lesbian".

That's it. The second I get back to room 101 I am giving myself a lobotomy with a screwdriver. I no longer have a reason to live.

"What kind of comparison is that?"

"Nothing, I, er, just mean, er, it's not like you, er...you..."

Shitshitshitshitshitshit.

"Max..."

"OKAY FINE, I HAD SEX WITH JULIA TODAY BECAUSE SHE WAS DESPERATE AND I WAS ANGRY AND DRUNK AND HIGH AND THE SIGHT OF SEVENTIES GOOCH MADE ME HORNYYYYYYYY-"

I just yelled that, didn't I? Tala has clapped his hand over my mouth so I must have.

One minute later

"Max, I strongly advise you keep that to yourself".

"But Mariam has a right to know..."

Tala shook his head at me.

"Yeah, but she doesn't need to hear that right now".

Right now? What the hell is going on?

"What do you mean? I cheated on my girlfriend. She deserves to get her own back in whatever way she wishes."

"It's good enough that you're stressed out about it, you'll only make things shit for her if you tell her that".

But...well, maybe.

"Kai knows", I am just remembering this. Tala's eyes go as wide as truck-tyres. Then he dumps his face in his hands.

"_Ssshht_". I think that was supposed to be "shit" but it was muffled. Then he looks up. His eyes glitter at me like the open mouths of two chocolate-deprived and PMSing female crocodiles.

"Look, she's you're girlfriend, but she's _my _fag hag, so you just listen up-"

Faghag? Mariam? Really? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH I DO NOT KNOW? DOES THIS MEAN SHE HAS SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH TALA THAT SHE DOES NOT TELL ME ABOUT? WHAT DOES SHE SAY TO HIM THAT SHE CANNOT TELL ME? WHYYYYY?

"-you're not going to give her ANY idea of the horrible shitty conniving nasty spiteful mean insidious putrid filthy thing you did to her. You are going to be the _BEST _fucking boyfriend the world over-"

Yeah, because you can talk, Tala.

"-_AND_ , in return, _I_ will deal with Kai".

Oh, Tala, I love you more now than I ever have...which was never very much, but it is marginally more than that right now.

"Okay, it's a deal".

"Will Julia say anything?" I open my mouth to say "no", but in truth, I have no idea.

"I..."

"I won't".

2.07 in the am

We whizzed around to see Julia standing there in a bathrobe with her hands in her pockets. She looked horrible.

"Sorry, I didn't expect anyone to be out here..."

"NOR DID I!" bellowed a voice that sounded...fat.

"Wow, Elaine, _loving_ the dress", Tala's eyes sparkled with all the diamante his Inner-Queen could possibly stitch onto a bodice. I had to admit, obese, smelly, hairy, wrinkly and undulant as she was, McFahrt looked a right sight better than ever before. Not that that really says much, but the burning in my eyes was reduced to a mild sting.

"Thank you, Gay Friend. I am trying to hide from Bryan. He must not see the dress before the wedding. So I have taken to appearing only by night."

"Er, why don't you just take off the dress?" I asked. McFahrt looked at her feet and...blushed? Then Tala made the gayest noise in the world.

"_OOOOH!_ ", he cried, clapping his hands over his mouth, "Oh, _Elaine! _I totally get you though," he said, patting her on her giant flabby elbow, "I wouldn't take mine off either".

McFahrt's face was overcome with a hideously girlish expression. Then she looked Tala dead in the face and asked him to be her maid of honour. He agreed, provided he was permitted to design his own dress.

I thought Tala hated the idea of Bryan's wedding...Maybe he just hated that he had to wear a suit? He started getting all high-pitched and flappy and Julia grabbed me by the elbow and came close to my ear.

"Lets go for a walk", she said. I did not say no.

* * *

+ A/N: TAG, YOU'RE IT. :D

*I dare someone to draw Max's bacon and daisy thong...on Max.

_+ A/N 2: By the way, Agent Tuesday wrote this chapter. See profile for more details._


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